Thursday, January 22, 2009

Renee Walker Tracks Down a Rare DVD- A "24" Picture Book!

The Jack Sack's tradition of translating "24" into fun adventures for the whole family continues!

"Honey, maybe we can stay in tonight and rent a movie. I really want to see 'The Love Guru.'"
"Henry, I can order a tactical nuke strike at any given moment for no reason at all. Are you sure you want to fuck with me right now?"
"The Ambassador to France said she loved it, come on!"
"If you weren't such a tiger in the sack... okay. Call it in."

"Hello, Library of Congress? Yes, this is the First Gentleman. I'm calling for a copy of the 2008 comedy hit 'The Love Guru.' (pause) You don't have a copy? (pause) Get it from Mike Meyers? You kidding me?!"

"Hey, manservant! Call the FBI- we need to track down comic-actor Mike Meyers. My romantic evening with the President has just gone critical."

Minutes later...

"Yeah, it's confirmed. Paramount Pictures ordered the destruction of all copies of the movie shortly after its release. They even hired a group of ex-military elites to eliminate Mike Meyers."
"You think they would have done the deed after 'The Cat in the Hat.' Alright, we need to get this guy right away!"

"Bauer, you and Agent Walker have your orders- get the DVD from Mike Meyers- torture him if you have to."
"Like make that prick watch his own movies?"

In the car...

"Jack, how do we find Mike Meyers?"
"Follow the trail of people not laughing."
"Was- uh was that a joke?"
"It's the last good one you're gonna hear all morning."

At last, they get their man:

"Mike Meyers, I'm Special Agent Renee Walker with the FBI. We're here to take you into protective custody. We will also need you to bring the last remaining copy of 'The Love Guru' with you."


"Hey Meyers, I heard your wife dumped your ass and took all your money."
"Wait a minute, that means I'm single again. OH BEHAVE!"
"Jack, don't encourage him... he's really annoying the shit out of me."

"Before I give you the last copy of my movie, I want to know why you've come to get it. Are you going to destroy 'The Love Guru' like the others?"

"I think your screenplay did a pretty good job of that already."

"All I have to say is 'assphinctersayswhat.'"


"Your partner is a babe! She's magically babealicious! In Latin she'd be called 'babeia majora.' If she were president, she would be 'Baberaham Linco-'"


Moments later...

"Jesus, Jack, that was aggravating."
"I didn't think you were going to kill him, Renee."
"Yeah, well I heard 'Austin Powers 4' was in preproduction, I had to act fast."
"Copy THAT!"

Back at the White House:

"Pardon me, Madame President. The FBI just called, they weren't able to get the DVD. And Mike Meyers is... well he's dead, ma'am."
"Good. Get the names of the Agents involved and line them up for Presidential Medals of Freedom. And get me a copy of 'Die Hard 4' for tonight. I gotta do some homework on this crisis."

(Editor's note: This post is part of this year's first Carnival of Bauer!)


Anonymous said...


Rickey said...

Rickey finds your use of the words "Renee Walker" and "DVDA" to be sadly misleading!

jay toby said...

Hahaha, too funny man. Keep the laughs coming!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. The site looks great, by the way.

TheJackSack said...

Hey Peeps,

Thanks for your comments- I really appreciate all of your feedback.


Anonymous said...

I nearly wet myself. Thanks for that.
(The First Gent's name is "Henry," not "Roger." Please make that change. This needs to be perfect.)

TheJackSack said...

Awesome catch, JUNKIE! Fixed!