Thursday, April 30, 2009

24 Season 7: Sneak Preview of Our Next Video

Probably coming tomorrow morning at the latest...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

24 Season 7: "Hey There Almeida" Music Video

Let's get one thing out of the way- the vocals are bad. It's my voice, and I have no illusions of being a singer. I'd like to think the tone-deaf noises I make only enhance the comedic effect of the song. If this offends you on a religious/emotional level, please accept my apologies in advance. And feel free to rip on me too, I think I may deserve it.

Now, I present to you my Eddie Murphy music-moment. Enjoy!

24 Season 7: 3AM-4AM Quick Review

Evil Tony Watch 2009: Yeah, Tony is still evil.

As for the rest of the episode, it was actually pretty bad. I've defended this show consistently this season. So, for me to be left unimpressed as I was means that something is definitely amiss in the writer's room of "24."

I think my biggest gripe from tonight was that the big reveal of the conspiracy at work bored me. So, these defense contractors all buddied up and decided "You know what would be good for business? Terror! War! Now, let's get to manufacturing some of that stuff so we can become rich!" This is like soda companies getting together with snack manufacturers and saying "Let's up the salt content on those chips! That'll show those asshole Americans!" People, we're getting a 5th grade-level lesson in economics (supply and demand-- damn that gets complicated, I know!).

And then there's Jack Bauer's rapid descent into madness. Seeing our fearless hero go apeshit on Janis Gold was fun, but then it morphed into unintentional comedy when Jack kept saying "President Palmer." Sadly, I was excited for a half a second, thinking "David Palmer is alive! He's coming back! YAY!" And then the moment passed...

Chloe O'Brian makes her unexciting return this episode as well. It was good to see our favorite snark-beast in action, but she had little to do except remind us that 1) Bill Buchanan died and 2) President Palmer is dead. Thanks, doll- pick up your sizable paycheck on the way out, you're doing a heckuva job!

Even Tony Almeida bored me. His plan to take advantage of Hodges' ridiculously dumb plot made me lose a lot of respect for Tony- not because he's evil but rather he's acting like a cartoon villain. "We have them right where we want them!" is not a sophisticated master-plan of evil, is it?

The bright spot of tonight's episode was probably the most minuscule moment- where the CTU servers were fired up once again. Hooray bureaucratic reinstatement! If you work for the government, you must have been pleased to see a federal agency lumber back from the dead tonight. I tell you now, once a government entity is created it never, ever dies. So, take that moment as a not-so-subtle hint that CTU will be back online for next season.

If you think I'm being unduly harsh on tonight's episode, please chime in. And if you agree, consider the bitch-session open for business.

Monday, April 27, 2009

24 Season 7: 3AM-4AM Sneak Preview

Previously on 24: HOLY CRAP, TONY'S EVIL?!?!?!

So yes, Tony Almeida solidified his bad guy credentials last week when Jack had his "I've fallen and I can't get up!" moment at the end of the episode. Tony coldly hovered over a convulsing Jack, saying something to the effect of "You gotta be in it to win it" or "Take the pebble from my hand, grasshopper" (I honestly can't recall the exact line). There's evil and then there's EVIL- last week, Tony showed he is a full-caps version of the word.

But to help alleviate the shock of that moment, here are a few scenarios in which Tony could have been much more evil. After reading these, you'll be saying "Hey, at least Almeida isn't that bad!"

5) Tony Almeida Worked for Bernie Madoff, The World's Biggest Thief: Imagine if Tony woke up from his death-sleep at the end of Season 5, went back to school, earned his MBA and became Bernie Madoff's right-hand man. $65 billion is a lot of money to stuff under the mattress. And you don't steal Kevin Bacon's money unless you want to go to Hell (I read somewhere that Bacon is six-degrees separated from God).

4) Tony Almeida Dated Lindsay Lohan: It takes a major league asshole to willingly do that sort of a thing. Do I need to say anything further?

3) Tony Almeida Becomes a Scientologist, Tells Women How To Do Stuff: As a guy, I understand our tendency to opine on all things around us. We're trying to help solve problems! But there are certain areas where men should shut their mouths- something Tom Cruise didn't quite understand when he offered his thoughts on postpartum depression. How much more awful would it be to sit through ten minutes of Tony Almeida doing the same thing?

2) Tony Almeida Is Married To A Real Housewife of Orange County: So, judge not, lest ye be judged, right? Well, I gotta say that these well-to-do housewives are some freakish offshoot of the human species that I can barely believe exists. If you haven't seen the show on Bravo (I know, Adam, wtf are you doing watching Bravo?) check it out for all of five minutes and you'll get the gist of the show right away. Anyway, Imagine Tony Almeida sheepishly forking over his credit cards to some bleach-blonde squeaky-voiced shopaholic that maps out her next ten years of plastic surgery with her friends. That wouldn't be so much an "evil" Tony as much as a pathetic, enabling doormat of a person. But either way, you see how much worse things could be?

1) Tony Almeida runs for Congress: In-between mind-numbing Jack Cafferty editorials, runs a series called "The Freshman" which follows freshmen congressmen in a series of videos and articles. And watching this series, one sees that public service is a perverted self-parody at the national level. As a good friend of mine said to me about these congressmen: "There is no dignity, only celebrity. And furthermore, their jobs seem utterly banal." If Tony Almeida was a freshman mugging for the CNN cameras, I'd slap him with a brick right across his scruffy mug.

So, there you have 5 alternative scenarios in which Tony Almeida would be a much more reprehensible human being. Yeah, he stole some bioweapon and sneered at Jack for a few seconds. Even still, be thankful for the Almeida we've been given- yes, he is bad but he is still much better than most.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Uzbekistan Like Bailouts and Susan Boyle!

Greetings, Bower Bag Lovers!

We apologize for not making efforts at communication over last several months. Rebels intruded our love nests and made bandits away with our wives and VHS players. I was on third season of Will & Grace when this happened! What great inconvenience!

I hear over short-wave radio that you have new emperor! You change leaders like wool undergarments in your country. How do you like Emperor Yes-we-can? I think he handsome, walking around your country without shirt. But he is hairless, like Yeti cub! Oh, we mean no offensive by that- we worship him like you! Please send us baily outs out too, right? We have no shoes and our recreational vehicles have no gassy water.

My cousin Hamza tells me there is new device that makes you talk like birds to each other. He read about it in Wired magazine. Twitter is fun, no? Makes me giggle like promiscuous hyena to say word. Twitter! You love your birds and freedom in America! We barely understand your way of life!

I understand that world love new lady, Susan Boil! Boil replace Mother Theresa as angel on Earth. Please send Boil to us immediately. We need magical healing powers to reconstitute our infantry. She has powers to make men cry like baby-kids, no? I need good cry ever since the rebels confiscated our cache of Broadway showtoon records. I want her to twitter us very much!

Most importance, we see Jack Bower fighting Anthony Al-Mayda. They are brothers, no? Is there fight over yak? My brother Yuri stole my yaks last winter, and left me goat with hip dysplasia. I had to destroy him. Tell Al-Mayda to give back yaks to Bower! We also demand you send us Bower daughter Kimberly soon. We have feral cat in village that rules the night. She will tame it.

We love America! We miss you! Send us food and wetnaps! Death to your enemies!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Jack Sack Recycle-Post: MAXIM MAGAZINE: The Tony Almeida Interview

I posted this way back in November, 2007, but given the fact that Tony Almeida is a villain for real, here it is again. Enjoy.

(excerpt from MAXIM MAGAZINE Jan. 2008 issue)
TONY ALMEIDA Interview by Gee Luv

He was shot in the neck and went back to his desk within hours, he shared a duplicitous lady with friend Jack Bauer and now he's calling in Uncle Sam's markers after being declared dead for over a year. And Tony Almeida wants you to help destroy America!

First off, we gotta ask- what's with the soul patch?
I thought we were going to talk about our nation's future?

Indulge us, Tony. Our readers are dying to know why you have that scruff on your chin.
Well, I moved out to Los Angeles back in the mid-1990s. The party scene was pretty good and I met this guy Chino Arroyo, who did custom bikes out in the Valley. He invited me up to his place one weekend, set me up with a chopper and well, you gotta have some facial hair to ride, I mean that's gotta be a law somewhere, right? Hence, the soul patch was born.

Is the Latin sex symbol craze over now that Marc Anthony and Rickey Martin are certified lame?
I think that's a question you should ask of the two blondes in my hotel room.

Now that you're not working for the government, you don't have to drive their boring vehicles. What are you cruising in nowadays?

I don't drive a car.

How are you getting around?
I ride a horse now. Saves on gas and women love petting it.

You are a freakin' genius, Tony! Speaking of, we hear you're looking to destroy America. What's the plan?
Well, I don't think "destroy" is the right word. I look at it as fixing what's broke, ya know?

Oh, totally!
Yeah, so I'm going to do away with the Federal bureaucracy, knock out the infrastructure and probably return the United States to the 1700s in terms of technology.

Wait, so no more Guitar Hero III for the bunch of us?
Dude, learn to play a real guitar, you'll get laid by real women that way.

You're a retro God, Tony Almeida. Good luck with that terrorism thing!

Monday, April 20, 2009

24 Season 7: 2AM-3AM Quick Review

Let's skip the headline artwork and get straight to the review:

1) Larry is dead- and it's actually a meaningful death. Moss' death played into the plot by drawing Renee and Jack away from FBI HQ and into the field. Now, Jack had a pretty mad cow-laden piece of comforting words to offer Renee ("I lost a couple of partners too.") and Renee was having none of it. Yet again, Annie Wersching gives a fantastic performance. She's got gravitas, I tellz ya!

2) Tony looks suspicious. No, seriously, what the heck was up with Tony all episode? Shifty-eyed, evasive and downright suspicious, Tony sulked in the background and answered questions with some very unimpressive "Yeah, yeah that's the ticket!" type responses. Not since Jon Lovitz' character "Tommy Flanagan: The Pathological Liar" from SNL have I seen a more obvious liar. Carlos Bernard played it a little too heavy.

3) Mad Cow has rendered Jack impotent. This was kind of annoying, given the fact that Jack had Tony nailed on a lie (thanks to some help from FBI de-briefer Mozelli- who seemed to be writing a "24" fan blog of his own on company time). I liked the tension leading up to Jack's confrontation with Tony- but man was that an obvious writers' gimmick, making Jack have convulsions just as he was about to put Tony under arrest. Ehhhhhh, it's a TV show, I know.

4) Jonas Hodges- best villain since... ? I think Jonas Hodges is the best villain since Charles Logan. Some folks may disagree with me, and that's fine. Hodges' little interaction with the soldier putting him in the paddywagon was fantastic. Hodges is complicated- and he's sympathetic on a very weird level. Jon Voight plays his scenes big, and it works. And how about that single blonde female lawyer (Ally McBeal, anyone?) giving Jonas the suicide pill? Tony sure knows how to pick his ladies. And enter Will Patton's villainous Alan Wilson. A bigger bad guy than Jonas? My brain is buzzing.

5) Next week- if you're worried about spoilers, stop here. Okay, you're still reading. Good- so next week we get the greatest scene imaginable- Jack v. Jonas. The sneak previews look awesome. I cannot begin to describe my enthusiasm for that showdown. What a great buildup for the last few episodes!

So, tonight was a winner. Tony is "evil" still, but things can always change. Let's wait and see, there's still plenty of time left in this season.

24 Season 7: 2AM-3AM Sneak Preview Motivational Posters

Here are some more motivational posters, just in time before tonight's THRILLING NEW EPISODE OF "24"! (cue bleeping clock SFX). Enjoy.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

24 Season 7: The A-Team

I've been humming this theme song for the past two days-- and now, so will you.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

24 Season 8: Exclusive Sneak Preview

I think it's time we take a break from this whole "Is Tony Almeida evil?" discussion and look towards next season of "24." Tony Almeida Junkie Blog reports that Season 8 will take place in New York- my town! They start filming here on May 27th (a day before my birthday!). And we have obtained a super-exclusive look at what to expect next season- enjoy!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

24 Season 7: Tony Almeida Evil? Not So Fast!

Remember this scene from end of the 9PM-10PM hour:
Tony: Yeah.
Jack: Tony, it’s Jack.
Tony: Jack, I’ve been monitoring the FBI bandwidth. What the hell’s goin’ on?
Jack: Listen to me, I need your help. Where are you?
Tony: 3rd Street and B.
Jack: OK, listen to me, I need you to meet me at the Port of Alexandria. I need you to bring our weapons and a surveillance package. Get there as soon as possible.
Tony: Jack, wait.
Jack: I can’t. I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m en route.

(Special thanks to AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com for the verbatim transcript).

The red text is key here. Jack tells Tony about the Port of Alexandria, and this immediately makes Tony say "wait." That line always stuck out to me but now it's starting to make sense.

Tony wanted the weapon all along. And it's likely that Tony knew of the bioweapons coming into the Port before Jack even called him. So, what do you think Tony was thinking when he told Jack to wait? Was he going to tell Jack something about those weapons before Jack cut him off? Was Tony initially willing to fill-in Jack on this separate agenda?

Think of it this way- Tony never wanted Starkwood to have the weapon. He went way out of his way to blow up Starkwood's supply (for what we thought were the obvious reasons at the time). So, is Tony working with/for someone else? Why does he want the weapon? These questions will be answered, but until then we cannot assume Tony is evil. He certainly was not in league with Starkwood. There's an unknown player or group involved, I'm betting. Killing Larry Moss is bad (I think he's really dead, but I know a lot of you think he and Tony staged it on the fly). But if Tony is wrapped up in something more dangerous, Moss' death may have been a necessary evil. Let's wait and see.

24 Season 7: The Day After The Tony Betrayal

Something occurred to me before my first cup of coffee this AM- maybe Larry Moss wasn't a good guy after all. And maybe Tony Almeida was one of the only guys to know this fact. Yeah, I know, I'm trying too hard to come up with an excuse for Tony.

Anyway, it's been this blog's tradition to honor heroic bureaucrats with a US Postage stamp. So, barring any post-mortem revelation that Larry was a bad guy, our Special Agent still only rates for a penny stamp. George Mason and Bill Buchanan were vikings- they died as warriors. Moss died while wearing a friendship bracelet from Renee. A penny stamp is used to help a real stamp get things done. You'd never use a penny stamp on its own, it's completely ineffectual. You see where I'm going with this?

At the start of this season, I didn't think I'd give Moss any kind of recognition. The paper-pushing Mirandizer grew on me pretty quickly. Adios, compadre.

And AmyV, I'm not ready to quit "24" yet. I came back after Season 6, right? That was brutal.

Monday, April 13, 2009

24 Season 7: Quick Review 1:00AM-2:00AM

I write up my thoughts for the show while it airs for my "quick review" columns. In it, I wrote the following before the big "twist" happened tonight:
"And why is this episode truly awesome? Two words: Tony Almeida. He finally redeemed his past sins tonight by toppling Starkwook singlehandedly. Tony has always been a part of the 'heart' of this show. I am an Almeidaist for life."
I seriously wrote that paragraph after Tony heroically stopped the bioweapons from launching and killing thousands.

I poke fun at this show, I make silly creations to help us from taking things too seriously, but tonight, I'm downright angry. They took Almeida and turned him into an unforgivable piece of trash. It was one thing for him to run with Emerson's crew and "do bad things." Shit, we've all done bad stuff relative to our outward appearances to the world (I won't reveal my dark secrets here). But Tony Almeida has been perverted into something that he is not- a psychotic killer. I reject this twist as of now. If the writers can justify this, then please do so. But aside from him being possessed by a demon-spirit, I don't see how this jives. Tony Almeida died in Season 5. This one is a fugazi.

The real question remains: Who is Almeida working for? I have a feeling I know who it is, and it better make a lot of sense.

24 Season 7: BAUERMAXX®- The Jack Bauer Wonder Drug!

Beware of the side effects!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Happy Easter From Jack Bauer!

Make sure the Easter Bunny is on our side this holiday.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Suggestion Box Is Open!

Hey good people!

I'm checking in again to see if any of you have suggestions for this blog. Lately, I've gone nuts with the movie projects, and I'm glad do see so many of you are enjoying them. I guess the old adage "what I really want to do is direct" holds true even for me.

But my recent obsession with the movies has been at the expense of my typical fan-fiction style posts. I have to admit that killing off Bill Buchanan (The Jackster's James Morrison interview can be read here!) put a damper on my enthusiasm for storytelling. But I'm better now- Bill is dead and we all need to move forward.

Based on the different styles of posts I've delivered over the past few months, what do you want to see more of here at The Jack Sack? Is there anything you can think of that I haven't done yet? I have a couple of more video projects in the works already, but beyond that I'm more than happy to take any suggestions you may have. Thanks for taking the time to offer your ideas.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

24 Affiliates: What I'm Reading When I'm Not Writing

Hey everyone,

I wanted to take a break from my usual blogging to refresh you on what I'm reading that's 24-related. Here are some key blogs that I hope you are checking out too- and if you're not, then here's your link-launchpad.

1) TV Tyrant: Amy is the Queen of TV. She watches shows I hardly even know of, and she writes about them too! She's a great resource on all things entertainment-related, with her quick-wit and gleefully sarcastic sense of humor. Please check out her site- it's a fantastic read.

2) Tony Almeida Junkie Blog: Tony Junkie is a daily visit- sometimes multiple times. The site is updated very regularly, and is always giving us the latest news, videos and spoilers (if you can handle that sort of thing). Go there and get hooked.

3) The Covert Diaries of Jackster: Jackster is conducting interviews with James Morrison (Buchanan), Jayne Atkinson (Karen Hayes) and (drumroll) Xander Berkeley (George "The Man" Mason) and he's accepting questions from readers to pass along to these actors. Go there and post in the comments section of his blog!

4) Almeida Is God [dot] com: Kasia, Kat & Co. do it right in their fundamentalist (or "Almeidaist") mission to spread the Gospel of Tony. Their weekly video recaps are insightful and very watchable (read "eye candy," guys). And they have so much information going on that you can literally spend hours reading-- AND the site's design is just crazy-cool!

5) 24 Online: Nat is THE resource for all of your 24 needs. I visit her site multiple times a day- stealing her images and using them for my own diabolical Photoshopping purposes. It's like taking candy from a baby!

6) Magic Lamp: This is just good writing by Steve. If you love TV, you gotta give his site a daily read. And his 24 recaps are snarky rants of brilliance.

7) Jack Bauer Torture Report: This is another place for my weekly recaps addiction. They have a very concise and funny rundown of each episode. If I had to guess, I'd say there's a large amount of coffee that goes into that blog.

8) Blogs.4Bauer: Are you reading their live blogs every week? No? You're missing out on the birthplace of character nicknames, inside jokes and the most quick-witted coming-together of 24 fans on the Internet. Amy and I are among the team, and a lot people who comment here are fans of B4B too. So, testify!

I would also like to mention Alltop, the ridiculously useful internet resource that you should all be using. Alltop is a self-described "online magazine rack"- collecting worthwhile blogs and news from all over the web. They have resources on every topic imaginable. And if you blog on a topic that they don't cover, let them know about it and they may invite you to join (disclosure: I'm a new member myself!).

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

24 Season 7: What's Jonas Hodges' Secret Recipe?

He's been pretty busy in that basement lab of his. But what's he really making down there? Watch the video to find out:

(If you're Italian, I apologize in advance!).

Monday, April 06, 2009

24 Season 7: 12AM-1AM Quick Review

Okay, I know the answer to this round to 24: Clue! It was Jonas Hodges, in the Chairman's Office with a crystal decanter! Did I get it right?

Holy mother, did they bring in the pressure tonight! On all fronts things got worse for Jack & Co. Tonight's episode was sure-footed writing and plotting- I am officially "over" Season 6. "24" is back at full strength. I am sorry for doubting you guys for so long.

Let's get the quick rundown:

1) Jack Bauer has mad cow disease for real now. Last week, he was walking about, acting fairly normal, etc. But tonight, Jack started to finally exhibit symptoms of the mad cow. We at the Blogs4Bauer liveblog had a "MOOOOOOOO!!!" chant going everytime Jack winced, fell down or started writhing in pain. It was all great fun. I suggest you "moooo" at your TV next week when we get more of the same.

2) Hodges is the best villain this show has had in a long time, perhaps ever. Nina is the premier baddie because she got to kill Jack's wife, but Hodges would have cooked Teri Bauer up with fava beans, etc. if he had a chance. He is a raving psycho, but he's so good at it that you can't help respecting him. He took the President's lunch money and she could do nothing about it. AND he invites himself to the Oval Office for tea and cookies. Hats off, man. And Jon Voight... he's the master. This may be his best role in years.

3) Exeunt Moss. Larry was starting to become a player in the plot, but like with most things in his life (dating Renee, running a mole-free FBI office) he screws up royally. After the standoff at Starkwood peters out, Moss runs back to his whirly-bird and we don't see him again for the rest of the episode. Maybe he's at Sonic picking up some shakes for his overworked team. That would be nice, Larry. Make mine a chocolate shake.

4) The Olivia Taylor/Scumbag Ken stuff was wretched. And in retrospect, was it really necessary? I don't think so... (Brannon, I'm blaming you).

5) There's still a mole at the White House. Secretary of Homeland Security Tim Woods, I'm looking at you, Sparky.

6) Tony Almeida is a killing machine. And next week looks like Zombie Tony will feast on many more brains! Nothing can stop him. And he's got a Tony Sack too! Stay tuned for something on that later in the week.

24 Season 7: Ridiculous Character #4,923 Ken Dellao

In "24" there are terrorists, moles and psychopaths running around at an alarming rate. These are people who take pleasure in others' misery, and they make us love to see Jack slap them around like French diplomats. But every once in a while there's someone that rises above the stench of common villainy to achieve a special place in the "Hated Hall of Fame." Ken Dellao, reporter for CNB this season, is such a scumbag.

Ken is Olivia Taylor's preferred journalist for her damaging leaks and manipulation. And yes, Olivia is a bad girl for the things that she's done (and will do). But in tonight's episode, Ken seeks to score a bed session with Olivia to keep his silence on some particularly sensitive information regarding Jack Bauer and the continuing threat posed by Starkwood. Unfortunately, Ken has his own "wood" problem and instead of trying to get laid like us normal, healthy individuals, he seeks to coerce Olivia into bed with him.

I don't doubt that there are people like this in the real world. Given the recent events that have caused this country's current recession, my faith in human morality has taken a massive pummeling. But even so, to trade sex for silence, as Ken seeks to do, is a level of psychosis that even I find surprising.

Jack Bauer doesn't have enough bullets in his Sig Sauer P229 for this piece of garbage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but has Jack shot anyone in the crotch yet? Now would be a good time to start doing so.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

24 Season 7: Jack Bauer Insurance- JackState!

Okay, so David Palmer and some little green lizard are the current spokespeople for car insurance companies. Now, add Jack Bauer to the list. Who do you trust most?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

24 Season 7: Jack Bauer Chick Flick "First Hearts"

What if the producers of "24" decided to re-make the show into a chick flick? What if indeed! I have no clue what prompted me to make this one, but I feel dirty (especially for the Aaron Pierce/Olivia Taylor love story I cooked up).

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

24 Season 7: Coming Soon "First Hearts"

A new video is coming together, hopefully I'll have something for you later tonight. But here's a graphic teaser: