TIME magazine proves it is still irrelevant

In another feat of nauseating political correctness, TIME magazine has decided that this year's "Person of the Year" doesn't need to be a person at all! TIME has selected the demon-spawn from Satan himself- Russian Premier Vladimir Putin! This, the person who kills or locks up his political rivals is praised for his "extraordinary feat of leadership in taking a country that was in chaos and bringing it stability." Huh?

The turkey that wrote this piece of trash is managing editor Richard Stengel. What a joke.

Curb Your Terrorism

Another lost concept for "24" found in Joel Surnow's trash-- a takeoff of the HBO comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (apologies to Larry David):

INT. KOSHER DELI. AFTERNOON.

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida are eating lunch at a table as the scene begins. They are already talking.

JACK (looking at Tony's face)
I gotta ask you something.

TONY
What is it?

JACK (motioning with his hand)
What's with that thing on your face?

TONY
What, I got food on my face?

JACK
No, I'm talking about that thing on your chin. What do they call that?

TONY
Hair?

JACK
Yeah, I know it's hair. But there's a name for it. What is that called?

TONY
A patch?

JACK
That's it! A soulpatch! (silence) What's with that?

TONY
It's how I grow my facial hair. What's the big deal?

JACK
No, it's not how you grow your hair, it's how you trim it! See, you grow hair all over your face. You happen to be a pretty hairy guy.

TONY
I don't know where this is going.

JACK
Yeah, me neither.

TONY
Alright, since we're asking questions, what's with that purse?

JACK
This? (holds up The Jack Sack™) This isn't a purse, it's a messenger bag.

TONY
You're making a fashion statement. It happens to be a pretty feminine one as far as I can tell. But my soulpatch is a million times more manly than your purse.

JACK
No, no, no! This is not a fashion statement, it's a government-issued utility bag. I didn't grow it. I didn't go to a store and pick it out.

TONY
I don't know, Jack. It's got all the makings of a purse. And you're the only guy at C.T.U.that carries that thing around. I bet you could carry a lot of feminine hygiene products in that thing.

JACK
Yeah? Well I bet I could! Huh? See, I could carry a few tampons in here, maybe a few gossip magazines, right? I should probably empty out the C-4 and concussion grenades first, though, right? (mutters) At least I don't look like Cheech Marin.

TONY
I heard that.

JACK
I know!

(cue tuba music)

END OF SCENE.

CTU Inter-Office Memo from Howie the Security Guy

TO: Steve, the new security guy
FROM: Howie, the retiring security guy
RE: You luck bastard!

Welcome to the team, you lucky bastard. Unbelievable. I've worked at CTU Los Angeles for the past ten years. The job started out great, good benefits, a government pension and all Federal holidays. I thought "Great, with this job, I can focus on my music career, maybe get some traveling in too." And then Jack Bauer had to show up and screw the whole damned thing up. It's a miracle I'm even alive to write this memo to you. Who's Jack Bauer, you ask? Oh yeah, that's right, he doesn't work here anymore, so you're totally out-of-the-loop! It almost doesn't even matter because your job has become a million times easier (and more safe). But I'll tell you anyway, so you realize how your job is a f@#$ing cake-walk compared to what I've dealt with.

Good 'ol Jack Bauer. Got his wife killed at the office. Jack got a few people shot at the office. Jack was around when terrorists unleashed nerve gas on the office too. Heck, he even got the office blown up! (see below).


But now, Jack is gone. He's off in D.C. testifying that he tortured bad guys. Yeah? What about me, Jack? Every single day you showed up to work, I was in a constant state of terror. And I never got a raise since I was there! Why? Because I never had a consecutive review by a CTU Director (they kept getting fired or killed too). We're talking at least 12 different directors in the 10 years I worked at CTU. Thanks a lot, Jack.

Yeah, Steve, so the next time the coffee machine goes on the fritz in the break room, just be glad you aren't inhaling nerve gas or getting hosed down with bullets by some Chinese mercenaries. And don't use the middle bathroom stall on the second floor, it gets jammed up all the time.

A#@hole.

Joel Surnow's Trash: Rejected Plot Ideas For Season 7

The writer's strike has paralyzed the entertainment industry, including a little show we follow at this site called "24." Out of boredom (criminal mischief) we recently rummaged through Executive Producer Joel Surnow's trashbin and uncovered various notes concerning the show's upcoming seventh season. Here are a few ideas that didn't make it to the set:

1. Jack Bauer no longer uses weapons! So, this sounds like a pretty good idea, right? I could get behind a completely vicious brand of violence from Jack, without the aid of firearms or explosives. Well... unfortunately, Joel Surnow's idea was to have Jack "improvise" with regular household items, a la MacGuyver. In one proposed scene, Jack spends thirty minutes reprogramming a universal TV remote to set off a microwave oven that he filled with spoons earlier, to start cooking thus causing sparks to go off, distracting the terrorists. Yeah. Spoons.

2. Edgar is the terrorist. Yeah, before they decided to bring Tony Almeida back from the dead, Joel Surnow had it in his head to revive Edgar Stiles. Edgar, miffed by Chloe's inability to save him from the Sentox nerve gas attack on CTU, swears sweet revenge on his gal-pal and his former employer. As a sidenote, Edgar was able to survive (here comes the fat joke, wait for it, wait for it...) because at the time of the attack, he had a whole loaf of bread lodged in his larynx, which absorbed the toxic gas. When Edgar collapsed, it was from oxygen deprivation. But his above-average saliva capacity quickly "digested" the loaf of bread to allow air back into his system. A day later, Edgar awoke at the local dump (apparently CTU didn't spring for a proper funeral).

3. "The Audrey Raines Show." With several lifetimes of tragedy behind her, Jack's former lady-friend is given a daytime talk show on ABC, following Oprah Winfrey. Show topics include "How to speed up menopause", "What's the best home security system?" and "How to make your nervous ticks cute!" In her "favorite things" episode, Audrey showers her audience with anti-depressants and vodka. Amazingly, she is canceled in the first 5 hours of Day 7.

4. The Bill Buchanan Reality Tour. Unemployed and an ex-con (but pardoned by the new lady President), former CTU honcho Bill Buchanan has written a tell-all book about his ex-wife Karen Hayes-Buchanan and her corrupt cronies at Homeland Security. Bill tries to get a booking on talk shows, but only Audrey Raines' show makes an offer, and then is canceled. Buchanan instead chooses to go to a local supermarket and sell books out from the trunk of his Saab hatchback, drinking Evian, eating beef jerky and cranking Jethro Tull on his stereo. He sells no books over the course of 8 hours.

5. Bringing Corey Feldman and Corey Haim to the show as psychic twins. The two Coreys would have been integral part of the Day 7 plot. When the trail of the terrorists goes cold, Jack reaches out to the twins, former Yugoslavian teens that he met while on his Special Forces mission to kill Victor Drazen in the 1990s (whom he secretly adopted to bring back to the States). The plot thickens when Kim Bauer shows up, looking to reconcile with her father. When the Corey Twins see her, they begin to lose their ability to tap into the psychic realm. Technically, Kim is their sister, but not by any blood relations. While caught up in this moral dilemma, Jack deems them useless and kicks them out of his house, returning to anonymity for another decade.

There are more abandoned plot ideas, stay tuned.

MAXIM MAGAZINE: The Tony Almeida Interview

(excerpt from the Jan. 2008 issue)
TONY ALMEIDA Interview by Gee Luv

He was shot in the neck and went back to his desk within hours, he shared a duplicitous lady with friend Jack Bauer and now he's calling in Uncle Sam's markers after being declared dead for over a year. And Tony Almeida wants you to help destroy America!

First off, we gotta ask- what's with the soul patch?
I thought we were going to talk about our nation's future?

Indulge us, Tony. Our readers are dying to know why you have that scruff on your chin.
Well, I moved out to Los Angeles back in the mid-1990s. The party scene was pretty good and I met this guy Chino Arroyo, who did custom bikes out in the Valley. He invited me up to his place one weekend, set me up with a chopper and well, you gotta have some facial hair to ride, I mean that's gotta be a law somewhere, right? Hence, the soul patch was born.

Is the Latin sex symbol craze over now that Marc Anthony and Rickey Martin are certified lame?
I think that's a question you should ask of the two blondes in my hotel room.

Now that you're not working for the government, you don't have to drive their boring vehicles. What are you cruising in nowadays?
I don't drive a car.

How are you getting around?
I ride a horse now. Saves on gas and women love petting it.

You are a freakin' genius, Tony! Speaking of, we hear you're looking to destroy America. What's the plan?
Well, I don't think "destroy" is the right word. I look at it as fixing what's broke, ya know?

Oh, totally!
Yeah, so I'm going to do away with the Federal bureaucracy, knock out the infrastructure and probably return the United States to the 1700s in terms of technology.

Wait, so no more Guitar Hero III for the bunch of us?
Dude, learn to play a real guitar, you'll get laid by real women that way.

You're a retro God, Tony Almeida. Good luck with that terrorism thing!
Yeah.

REAL SPORTS with Bryant Gumbel: The Tony Almeida Interview

Hello, everyone. This is Bryant Gumbel and welcome to REAL SPORTS.

Tonight, we have an exclusive interview with former CTU Agent Tony Almeida. Almeida, believed dead, has recently turned up as one of the most dangerous men alive, threatening to disable this nation's infrastructure using his intimate knowledge of our defenses. In my one-on-one interview with Almeida, I asked him why he has shifted his lifelong loyalties and whether he is being wrongly characterized by his former friends and co-workers within the federal government. Patriot or pariah? You decide.

GUMBEL: You're a baseball fan, right?

ALMEIDA: Yeah.

GUMBEL: What do you think of the recent indictment against Barry Bonds?

ALMEIDA: He is being singled out by a corrupt power structure that is pointing fingers at him. Bonds didn't break any rules of the game. Even if he used steroids, I think the game knew about it all along. And he wasn't the only one to use them anyway. He just happens to be the guy who did the best out of the group. He's a patsy, Bryant.

GUMBEL: Now, my producers tell me that you're a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. Well, so am I--

ALMEIDA: I'm not a Cubs fan.

GUMBEL: I- we have numerous pictures of you with a Chicago Cubs mug. I think your fans refer to it as "Cubby" in fact.

ALMEIDA: Yeah. I had a Cubs mug. I also had a long-held trust in this nation. Things change. I drink Budweiser out of a new mug now; I follow the White Sox.

GUMBEL: Why did you change your loyalties?

ALMEIDA: It started with Steve Bartman.

GUMBEL: You're not going to make him a scapegoat like so many other Cubs fans, are you?

ALMEIDA: Bartman was no scapegoat. He was, in fact, a CTU agent working out of the Chicago branch. I have reviewed the internal files, which show that Bartman was sent to Game 6 of the 2003 NLDS series to disrupt the Cubs' chances of winning the series by botching the foul-ball play. Bartman is just one of several federal agents sent to keep the Cubs from winning another World Series over the years. Harry Carey was another agent, a master of mass deception. And I have it on good authority that Carlos Zambrano is the current mole within the Cubs organization.

GUMBEL: I'm astonished by these claims. Do you have proof?

ALMEIDA: I'm not in a court of law. The proof I have would be discredited by the government anyways. Look, I was drinking the Kool-Aid myself for a long time. The Cubs will never win a World Series because the powers that be have decided so. The White Sox are not a target of this conspiracy.

GUMBEL: Were the Boston Red Sox a victim of this corruption as well?

ALMEIDA: No, they just sucked for a really long time.

GUMBEL: Moving on, I understand that your former co-workers have called you, and I quote, "a terrorist who is threatening to destroy this nation's infrastructure." How do you respond?

ALMEIDA: Our founding fathers were called similar things by the British crown over two hundred years ago. They, like myself, had renegade facial hair and a love of liberty. I apologize for nothing.

GUMBEL: After you destroy this country's ability to function, what do you have planned next?

ALMEIDA: I'd like to take a break, maybe hit a few ballgames and catch up on some reading. It's a lot of work getting free time. Heck, I'm still picking up pieces of my dead wife off the kitchen floor. I make lists, I try to keep organized. I'll probably get a cat too.

GUMBEL: Any chance you'll play softball again?

ALMEIDA: Funny you should mention that. I have a good team I'm lining up. CTU's team is overrated. And most of their players are dead or fired now. Stay tuned.

Well, that's our interview with Tony Almeida. As Coach John Wooden said: "Sports do not build character, they reveal it." And the same can be said for a fan's approach to his beloved games. That's our show for tonight. Come back next week when I interview Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez about his ties to Iran and his love of horses. Good night.

h/t to Rickey Henderson.

THE MIST: The Jack Sack Movie Review

DAMMIT! There are no Gorillas in "The Mist!"

And too bad, because this movie would have been a lot better of there were some monkeys flinging their poop. Filling in for the gorillas are a bunch of uptight, annoying New Englanders who toss their own brand of feces at one another, in the form of silly dialogue. If you had any hopes for this movie, prepare to be disappointed in a big way.

PLOT (using the term loosely) AND THOUGHTS: "The Mist" is a modern fable of fear, distrust and paranoia in this post-9/11 world. Or is it this post-McCarythism Red Scare world? I lose track-- apparently mankind is consistently screwed up.

The movie takes place in Lazytown, Maine where a bunch of slow-moving locals are hitting the supermarket after a storm rolled through the night before, causing power-loss and extensive damage to the area. About ten minutes into the movie, we are with the film's hero, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his little boy (we'll call him "Skippy" because it doesn't really matter) as a thick fog, dare I say MIST, envelopes the area. But this is no normal mist. Like Steve Martin's terrible B-movie from "Bowfinger" this is some chubby rain indeed.

This story comes courtesy of a Stephen King novella from 1980. Updated for modern tastes, we get a lot of fake-looking computer-generated creatures running around in this mist, glad to eat any human foolish enough to venture out into the soupy hell-on-earth beyond the supermarket's front doors. And people keep running outside! Hell, I stay in if there's a hailstorm. But 100 ft.-tall lobsters apparently can't keep these slack-jawed locals at bay. But where did these 50 lb. spiders come from anyway? Haliburton? The Religious Right? No, silly, the Military! For an organization that can barely find weapons of mass destruction, the U.S. military has some bitchin' scientists that have opened up a portal through space and time which unfortunately happened to come across a place where the bugs run the show. And these bugs are not shy, no ma'am!

Without mincing words, the movie flat-out sucks. The allegories about fear and self-destruction are trite. The religious zealot that causes trouble in the supermarket (played by Marcia Gay Harden) is a caricature not a character. And in the immortal words of Rodney King (no relation to Stephen): Can't we all just get along? Apparently not. People throw cans of peas at one another to start. But by the film's third act, full-on stabbings and shootings are the order of the day. Come on people, wake up! Big oil compan-err big bugs are the enemy!

The script, written by the guy who wrote "The Shawshank Redemption," has about as much in common in terms of quality with that movie as my car has with a Porsche. And the film's ending is not ironic like it wishes to be. Instead, it elicits a Nelson Muntz laugh ("HA-Ha!"). Our "hero" makes a fool-hardy decision so lame as to rival someone putting a million bucks down on the N.Y. Jets winning this year's Super Bowl. What a douche.

WHAT WOULD JACK DO?: See, this is where a WWJD question comes in handy. Jack would have thrived in this situation. He first would have identified himself to the supermarket folk as a federal agent. That would have been helpful to start. All Thomas Jane's character brought to the table was that he was an artist! Oh yeah, art-boy, save the day! And you know what, after dealing with several ass-bag CTU directors over the years, Bauer would have handled the religious lady with expert hands, probably convincing her to go out and negotiate a peace with the killer lobsters early on. And the boy, who asks his father to promise to keep him safe, would have gotten Jack Bauer's word to that end, and things would have ended up a lot better for all involved. This movie needed Jack Bauer in the worst way.

SCORE (out of a possible five sacks):
NEGATIVE TWO SACKS!

This is, by far, the worst movie I've seen this year. Cheers!

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: The Jack Sack Movie Review

Let's just say that I'm tremendously grateful that this Writer's strike didn't take place before "No Country For Old Men" was produced. Without exaggeration, this is a perfect film. Now do I have your attention?

PLOT: Taking place in 1980s West Texas, this is a classic tale of good versus evil and the choices we make that determine where we fall in that spectrum. Take the good: local Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) who looks out at his world with sad exasperation. Then there's the evil, a soulless killing machine named Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem). And in the middle is a rather unremarkable man, Llewellyn Moss (Josh Brolin),who stumbles across a satchel filled with $2 million while hunting one day. Again, it's about choices, and Moss decides that he can control his own fate by taking the money and going on the run.

Moss sends his young wife back to her Mother's place to hide out as he tries to fend off the men chasing him and the money. As the body count goes up, so does Sheriff Bell's apprehension. This is not a typical cop and robbers story where the policeman is sifting through evidence, piecing together the story and staying on the heels of the bad guys. There's a moment where Bell and his Deputy are within minutes of catching Anton, but instead of dashing out of the building after the villain, Bell takes a deep breath and hopes internally that he doesn't get sucked into the tornado of violence that's building. And Anton is not concerned about who may be after him either. He moves at the speed of a Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers. And the horror analogy applies here, because for the most part we don't get much insight into Anton's character. But that doesn't mean he is without substance. There are two moments in the movie where Anton elects to put a person's own life in their hands. He flips a coin before his potential victim and tells them to "Call it." In one instance, the person calls the toss. But in the other, the person refuses. And this is what I refer to earlier about making choices. From Anton's perspective, he's not choosing to kill anybody. His victims are the ones that have sealed their own fate. So, when people say to Anton "You don't have to do this," he is completely unimpressed. But when one victim puts the choice squarely on Anton, that's when you see him finally face his own nature.

THOUGHTS: This film is an example of technique. The acting is flawless. From the main characters down to those who appear for a scant few seconds, you believe the world in which this story is set. And the words they speak are both authentic and interesting. On the production side, the sound editing is incredibly good. When you hear boots on gravel, you are transported to this place. When you hear the whine-pitch of Anton's air tank and stun gun, you cringe at it's use. And the camera work shifts between being placid and sinister throughout the movie.

It's hard to get into the nitty-gritty themes of this movie without giving too much away. But temptation constantly appears in front of Moss (and his wife to a lesser degree), and each time he succumbs to it, he closes the circle of his own fate around him. And the symbolism of Sheriff Bell as God's son and Anton as the Devil incarnate are subtle enough that you don't feel the filmmakers are bashing you over the head with their ideas. But as a modern day "Expulsion from Paradise" this is the best morality play I've seen, period.

While "No Country For Old Men" is an example of cinematic perfection, it is not a movie for the masses. It is quite violent. There are no conventional moments of humor either (but there are some funny parts). And you don't get a typical resolution at the end. In short, it's not a crowd-pleaser. It's a challenging film, and one that surprised me several times throughout. I recommend it to anyone that wants the same film-going experience.

WHAT WOULD JACK DO?: Okay, to keep it 24-related, like I mentioned above, people say to Anton repeatedly "You don't have to do this!" Well, Jack Bauer says this a lot when he's facing down terrorists. Anton would have made a superb villain on "24" as he is a killer without a conscience or a typical agenda. He kills, plain and simple. So, Jack would have to basically drop a nuke on this guy to do away with him, and even then, it may not be finished. There are bad guys and then there is evil. Jack may need more than 24 hours to handle this one.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks)
Yeah, that's six out of five!

No "24" until Sept. 2008

The Writer's Strike has forced FOX to push "24" back to a fall 2008 premiere (from it's original January 2008 premiere). With only about 1/3 if the episodes shot, there's no chance of them finishing the series in time for a continuous airing of all episodes week after week. I never felt like busting up a union like today.

Season 7 Trailer!!!

Rickey Henderson tipped me off to this:



Now my initial thoughts:

I see elements from Die Hards 2 and 4 and GoldenEye at play in this trailer. I also see that Jack Bauer has grown out his hair and wears lighter colors.

People, it's too early to render judgment on this season, but just seeing Almeida back in action is enough to get me excited, even if he turns into a bad guy. And a part of me digs that Almeida is bad, because he is the Yang to Bauer's Ying. Both of them lost their wives. Both of them suffered terrible losses on behalf of their country. And while Bauer makes the hero's choice to keep fighting for what he believes in, Tony (reasonably) loses his grasp of those values and goes AWOL. Instead of the predictable terrorist agenda, we get something a lot more primal out of Tony. He just wants to see things go boom.

BREAKING NEWS: ALMEIDA IS BACK!!!

Tony Almeida is coming back to "24" this season. There is no greater news imaginable.


Hat tip to Amy Vernon for making my day. Consider me officially out of semi-retirement as a blogger. This is the first bit of inspiration I've felt for Season 7 yet.

More Terrorist Monkey Possibilities for 24!

A couple of weeks ago, I ran a story about how a monkey was smuggled underneath a man's hat onto a flight from Peru.

This week, we get more monkey mayhem: monkeys in Kenya are apparently sexually harassing human women. No word on whether these "construction worker" monkeys are in a local union, but it is true that many of them hail from the great state of New Jersey! Here's the mon(k)ey quote:

"The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us," said Mrs Njeri.

Sexually harassing monkeys? What, are they going to keep asking the women out to dinner? Are they going to suggest the local ladies wear something "tight"? I don't know why, but impolite simians crack me up (maybe it's because I'm probably one of them). Okay, go back to your Friday!

Janeane Garofalo to star on next season's "24"

Confused? Me too!

I could have tried to write some witty title about the outspoken Garofalo screaming at Jack Bauer, etc. but I think I'll let that image play out in your heads. So, a female president and now one of Hollywood's most anti-war "celebrities" have joined the cast of a show that has not yet been written according to some press reports. Just throw in there Mr. T and Amy's crush, Dirk Benedict, and you'll have "The NEW A-Team."

CTU Denver is not the only show in trouble!

Ladies and Gents, "24" is stalled on the runway.

Day 7 was supposed to start filming last month. Then someone at Fox said "Wait a minute, this idea costs too much!" So, the production was halted to re-write the new season's premise and introductory episodes. Now, more delays are hitting "24." In an effort to get more scripts finished before filming starts, production will not commence until September. Nervous? I am!

Hello Bower Bag-Fans!

Hello and a glorious day from your friends in Uzbekistan!

We send warm regrets on the loss of your Emperor Merv Griffin. We love Wheel of Death, good show, many times we play it with captured rebels.

And I know, it has been many months since last transmission. Apologies- we lost our shortwave equipment to lustful rebels posing as Tajik women. We were betrayed! It is lonely in the mountains. After slitting their gender-confusing throats, we finally reclaimed transmission equipment and are prepared for new contacts. Okay, now for small talk introduction:

Summer is fierce, yes? Your ex-second-President Alfonse Gore swears it is icy caps melting! I believe Gore, he is a prophet without goat farm. He is welcome to lead this Hellish land, if he likes. Damn you Florida State!

Yes, weather is hot, but we are strong in Uzbekistan. We have long war with rebels, and we desire to continue killing them until they stop insisting on clean water and vaccinations in villages. Summer heat? Nothing a nice cup of Yak juice won't help cool down.

Anyways, while sliding around the internets, looking for anniversary gifts for my wives, I find that American clothier GAP has unleashed a new line of earth-toned fashions. I was excited by this-- in Uzbekistan we need wrinkle-free khakis to kill effectively. I clicked the rodent device and found something that made my blood boil like a Yeti stew: GAP makes a Jack Sack! How can this be? Jack Bower is not a GAP man, is he? I used magical forces to capture the essence of this interloping sack for presentation in this transmission. Look below:
As you notice, it wishes to be Jack Sack! This is another betrayal of gender-confusion! We lust for the bag but upon closer view, we see it has no ballies! We will send special elite troops to GAP for revenge on them. Worry no more, Bag-Fans! My cousin Yuri wants to eat their kidneys. Thank us later!

Okay, rebels are throwing volleys of gasoline-bombs at us. We must be getting to morning blood-bath. Enjoy the rest of the summer! We will contact again!

Oh no, not ANOTHER blog!

Guys, pleas don't kill me, but I'm starting another blog.

Unlike Jack Bauer, I like to eat... a lot, in fact. So, the new blog, Adam's Rib will hopefully become a free-for-all where contributors and readers alike dive deep into their love of food-- be it their favorite local restaurant or grandma's homemade apple pie.

This will NOT affect The Jack Sack in any way. If anything, this will get me writing on a more regular basis, and that will overflow into this blog as well (put down your knife, Amy).

So, stay tuned for more posts.

Will 24's next president clip coupons too?

In case you didn't know, 24's next season will welcome a new, female U.S. president, played by Cherry Jones. We here at The Jack Sack support this move because 1) Cherry Jones is a great actress and 2) Wayne is off to build the Palmer Presidential Library (I hear David is getting 90% of the floorspace).

But today, I came across a fantastic article about Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel. It appears that Chancellor Merkel shops for her own groceries. This puts New York City's Mayor Mike Bloomberg on notice, as he brags about taking an S.U.V. convoy to a Subway terminal 4 stops from City Hall everyday. Chancellor Merkel is the real deal-- she carries money and she picks out her own fruits and vegetables. Mayor Mike is a f@%#ing billionaire. Quit faking it, Bloomy.

So, let that be a lesson to 24's new president-- we like leaders who mix with the people, wait in line and have a shopper's card for their local supermarket.

New profile for terrorists?

Apparently a man tried to smuggle his pet monkey onboard a plane by hiding the diminutive simian under his hat. The jig was up when the marmoset emerged out from under tha man's hat during the flight.

Money quote: "Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him," said an eyewitness.

I Will Paint For Food

So, between the traveling and writing, I managed to squeeze in some painting this past month as well. Here's the situation: a girl in my office has a 6 year-old son who loves Star Wars. She commissioned me to paint a couple of chairs and a table for his birthday present. While I do enjoy drawing a lot, I have never worked with paint before this project. It was a little nerve-wracking at first, but all those hours of watching Bob Ross as a kid must have paid off for me. Take a look:























(Above: this is a tabletop, the legs weren't attached yet.)

Interested in your own private commission? (Ewok end tables really tie the room together!) Email me at thejacksack@gmail.com.

Look Who Needs a "Bodyguard"! Is This a 24 S.7 Plot?

All-around louse and washed-up good-for-nothing Bobby Brown believes that he is the target of Osama bin Laden and al Qaida. Let me repeat: Bobby Brown believes that Osama bin Laden knows who he is, and for reasons beyond probably having to do with the disastrous Ghostbusters II, wants to kill the former member of New Edition.

Okay, if this is even remotely true, then I think here's what happened: I picture a bunch of terrorists sitting in a cave somewhere near Jalalabad, with only propaganda training videos for entertainment. Then comes Cousin Naseem, with a box of fresh VHS tapes of American television (infidels!) translated into Arabic with all propagandist vocabulary included (ex: imagine an episode of "Law & Order" where the D.A. says to the judge "Your Honor, we eat babies and drink the blood of our enemies because the U.S. Constitution says it is Holy!"). So, back to my fantasy image: Naseem breaks out the tapes and in walks bin Laden, thrilled at the prospect of finally seeing this "Everybody Loves Raymond" show he's heard so much about when it becomes immediately clear that what they have is tape after tape after tape of Bravo's reality series "Being Bobby Brown." After three episodes, bin Laden declares a jihad on Bobby Brown.

If al Qaida has decided to get into the business of offing has-beens, then I have a list. And it is long. And Jack Bauer is probably willing to help.

Formula for a fun time

Several Red Stripes: $20-30







A few unnecessary Jeager shots: $10-15







Jack Links Beef Jerky at 1AM: $6.99







Preaching the Good Life with Rickey Henderson: Priceless

Mr. Bauer goes to Washington?

Hiya folks, every now and then Rickey likes to check in with a periodical update on all things 24-related. For the confused & bewildered, you’ll notice that Rickey’s posts now come to you with special third-person action. It’s been several long weeks since Rickey signed on to be the ombudsman of this blog and he damn well wants his own dressing room now. You hear that Adam? His own fucking dressing room! And whores, expensive whores! These occasional pants-free decrees just aren’t cutting it anymore buddy…

Ahem. Having now firmly established himself as the “id” of this blog, Rickey would now like to discuss the recent story about the seventh season of 24 being set in Washington D.C. First off, we like the idea, we really do. A change in scenery is a fantastic thing, and frankly, the whole Africa pitch sounded a little far fetched. Kiefer’s great at tracking down cartoonish caricatures of terrorists, but the idea of him single handedly wiping out apartheid seems like a bit of a reach, no?

So it’s on to swampy D.C. for season seven. And here are a few plot elements that Rickey thinks should occur in this exciting new locale:

Ideally, Day 7 should transpire sometime during Washington’s annual Cherry Blossom Festival. Naturally, Jack would commemorate the occasion by ripping all the city’s cherry trees out of the ground and flinging them into the Potomac.

One hour must be devoted entirely to Jack going insane and pummeling Anne Coulter. No commercial breaks.

Another hour would be devoted to Jack seriously losing his shit and rampaging through Alberto Gonzalez’s office. (You know what? Rickey has a laundry list of D.C. folks he’d like to see Bauerized, so we’ll stop now before things get too angry/divisive). More things we’d enjoy seeing:

Some sort of long, protracted gun fight in Union Station. (That one’s kind of inevitable).

Jack climbing up the Washington Monument and swatting down attacking biplanes.

Noah Daniels being politely asked to leave the Ronald Regan section of the Smithsonian due to an embarrassing bout of open weeping.

Nadia doing body shots at a George Washington University party (those GW kids party harder than you’d think).

Morris sweating profusely in the sub-tropical climate and making the bold decision to unfasten yet another shirt button.

Chloe going batshit crazy while trying to navigate Dupont Circle.

Kim Bauer lost and alone in the D.C. zoo after dark. It's comedy gold!

…And that’s all we can think of for now. Further thoughts/suggestions should be left in the comments section below.

Liberace in Space? Tallyho!

Long-time readers of The Jack Sack know that Trek Movie Report is a friend to this blog. Anthony Pascale runs a top-notch site, and he's breaking news on the upcoming Star Trek movie as we speak (check out his reporting from the San Diego Comic Con this week). Well, Anthony has kindly given me the chance to review another of the ongoing remastered Original Series episodes airing in syndication. Last week's episode is "The Squire of Gothos" and here's my review.

Travel Log: I'm tired of traveling.

Greetings Sack Pack,

It's become a running joke that I haven't blogged nearly as much as of late. Sure, I'm busy with work, my writing, and learning to play the spoons. But the month of July was also a month of traveling for me- starting with a trip to Montreal, going to Rhode Island and ending this past weekend with a wedding in Sioux Falls, SD. I did some rudimentary calculations on the distance I've traversed in the past three weeks, and the grand total is 3,419 miles. That's farther than the distance from New York, NY to Anchorage, AK (which comes in at 3,365 miles). This picture tells the story:

Now, I'm back in NY for the foreseeable future (perhaps I'll take a trip to North Carolina at the end of August to close out the summer). That means I'll be sitting in front of my computer more often-- which means more Jack Sack for you miserable ingrates.

Rickey, can you top that?

-Adam

CTU Denver: 10:00-11:00AM

Here's Hour 3 of our ongoing (and back-on-track!) series:

While Agent Mike Doyle confronts his unlikely doppelganger, former child-star Ricky Schroder in an epic battle of the wills, Schroder's partners in mischief and terror meet to plan out their nefarious plot against the free world!

INT. RAMADA INN. GARY COLEMAN'S SUITE.

Danny Bonaduce and Mindy Cohn are sitting uncomfortably on a twin bed together. Kirk Cameron is sitting on a corner chair, reading from Gideons Bible to pass the time. The door swings open and the pitter-patter of feet is heard, but no person is visible.

DANNY BONADUCE (perking up from his slouch)
Is that you Coleman?

A boyish giggle is heard from behind the twin bed.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dude, enough of the games, just tell me the Continental breakfast was still available. I need a GODDAMN cheese Danish!

KIRK CAMERON (head jerking up from the Bible)
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cammy. (turns to bed) Gary, are you gonna make me come underneath the bed to get my Danish.

Danny Bonaduce looks over and sees Mindy Cohn paying extra attention to what's transpiring.

DANNY BONADUCE
Gary, you're getting Mindy excited. Just give me the Danish and put this little episode behind us.

A shadowy figure bolts from underneath the bed and climbs the curtains and hides in the lampshade.

KIRK CAMERON (standing and placing his hand cautiously on Danny's shoulder)
Danny, that's not Gary Coleman! That's someone... something else. (holds up the Bible) The Power of Christ compels you! Away with you, Hell beast!

Suddenly GARY COLEMAN enters the hotel room.

GARY (all huffy)
Man, what's going on in here? Are y'all scaring our newest team member?

DANNY BONADUCE
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Gary?

GARY
Fool, that's Emmanuel Lewis up in that lampshade. Did you upset him? Get out of my way!

Gary walks over to the lampshade and looks up at his hidden friend. After a few grunts and clicking noises from the lamp, Emmanuel Lewis finally drops down and lands on Gary's shoulder. Gary feeds him a nondescript piece of food, probably a dog biscuit of some sort. Emmanuel Lewis devours the vittles. Mindy Cohn makes a groaning noise. Gary shrugs his shoulders and tosses a dog treat at Mindy, which she snaps out of the air with zeal.

DANNY BONADUCE
Holy Mother of-

KIRK
Uh-uh, Danny. What did I tell you about swearing? I can't enter His Kingdom if I'm surrounded by people who take the Lord's name in vain.

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cam-- I want you to get in there, trust me. (To Gary) So, is the Continental Breakfast over?

Gary nods.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dammit!

KIRK
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry! (sighs) It's just those Ramada Inn Danishes are like methadone for me. (shakes his arms, trying to loosen up) Okay, so we're all here then?

GARY
Not quite, Ricky Schroder got picked up by CTU last night.

DANNY BONADUCE
Where is he now?

GARY
He's at CTU here in Denver-- our "mole" is giving us a real-time feed on CTU's operations.

KIRK CAMERON
We have to abort the operation. If Ricky has talked to-

DANNY BONADUCE
Cammy, babe- listen to what you're saying! Ricky Schroder is the hardest member of this team. This is the guy who sat through several years of Dennis Farina's bare-ass and he held strong. CTU can't make him talk. But we're a man short now. (looks at Gary and Emmanuel) Sorry.

Emmanuel Lewis makes some squishy noises and smiles. He then picks at Gary's afro, pulling out lint and other particles.

GARY
No, I can take the jokes.

KIRK CAMERON
Okay, so we need to fill Ricky's spot. Any ideas?

GARY
I could always call up Todd Bridges.

DANNY BONADUCE
We got enough crack addicts in the room already, Gary, sorry. No, I think we need to call in someone special. He's our newest recruit-- he just got pinched for a DUI this year... here's his rap sheet (tosses it on the bed).

Mindy Cohn leans forward and smiles with approval. The spider-monkey Emmanuel Lewis starts clicking with glee.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM.

A phone sits on the desk and it rings. A hand moves to pick it up, but we cannot see the person's face.

DANNY BONADUCE (VOICE)
It's me. Are you ready to make your bones with our crew?

The face of the person on the phone leans forward into the light.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I see dead people... they're in CTU!

Bleep-bleep-bloop-bloop.

NEXT TIME ON CTU DENVER-- The Former Child Actor's have to make immediate moves to enact their mysterious plot of terror while Agent Doyle has to turn elsewhere for answers...

24 News: CTU Africa? Not so fast!

TV Guide reports that a proposed story involving Africa for Day 7 has been 86'ed by the FOX network (producers of such great hits as "Man v. Beast" and "So You Think You Can (fill in the blank)?") for being too costly. This is troubling to me, as I had long hoped Jack Bauer would exact revenge against one of his daughter's greatest attackers-- that's right, the cougar. Imagine 24 hours of Jack hunting down these jackals of the Serengeti with nothing but a PDA and a canvas man-bag. They could even squeeze in a scene where Bauer kills John Mellencamp, "accidentally" mistaking him for a cougar.

Sorry, FOX, but you dropped the ball on this one. The show's production is now delayed for at least three weeks. Does it trouble you all that the writers have three weeks to decide on the whole storyline for Day 7?

CTU DENVER IS BACK!!!

Starting next week, that is! In the meantime, enjoy this funkalicious video. Crank this mutha!

Scouting Report: CTU Softball Team

In a previous post Adam discussed a CTU softball team. So Rickey, unoriginal bastard that he is, decided to extrapolate on the idea, employing some pointers from Adam. So for comedic purposes, what would a softball team consisting of past and present 24 cast members look like? To get an idea, let’s take a peek at the scouting report for the following position players:

Starting Pitcher, Bill Buchanan. A crafty veteran who keeps his calm under all circumstances. He’s a solid addition to any lineup. Also able to pilot a helicopter should a team brawl erupt mid game.

Catcher, Jack Bauer. Bauer’s 3’4 height actually allows him to catch balls in a standing position, thus making it easy to throw runners out as they attempt to steal second. When pitching against him, remember that due to his stature, Bauer’s strike zone is approximately three square inches. Fueled by pure rage, he’s known for arguing any poor strikes called by a sloppy umpire, and torturing them senselessly if necessary.

First Base, David Palmer. A devastating power hitter whose only weakness is his insistence on glaring angrily into the stands at his ex-wife at the start and conclusion of every at bat. Also worth noting is that Palmer can't hit the curveball and frequently talks to someone named "Jobu" while at bat.

Second Base, Chloe O’ Brien. Due to occasional attitude issues, she’s not a terrific “team player,” but this fault is mitigated by her willingness to upload the opposing team’s stats to Jack’s PDA should the need arise.

Shortstop, Tony Almeida. Able to field any well-hit ball cleanly, and easily facilitate double-plays, Almeida is undoubtedly the team’s MVP. Seems to enjoy stealing bases at every possible opportunity, which we suspect has something to do with Third Base Coach, Michelle Dessler.

Third Base, Morris O’ Brien. Also a terrific fielder, primarily due to his ability to trap well-hit balls in his unruly chest hair. However, O’Brien frequently buckles under pressure at the plate and is rumored to be fond of drinking behind the scoreboard between innings. Every team has a clubhouse addict and Morris is CTU's this season. (Last season it was Gael and his Soduku puzzles).

Left Field, Wayne Palmer. On the team primarily due to his brother’s insistence, Wayne hasn’t quite grasped the fundamentals of baseball yet. Think of Wayne as the Billy Ripken of the team. Due to his inability to field the ball cleanly, Palmer makes reaching third base on a routine pop out to left field a leisurely affair.

Center Field, Milo Pressman. This goatee sporting centerfielder loves making diving catches (even when not necessary) primarily to impress Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir, who sits nearby in the bullpen.

Right Field, Edgar Stiles. Edgar’s hindered mobility suits him best for a role in right field, but watch out when he’s up at bat. Lots of energy abounds within this fella.

Bullpen Submariner, Tom Lennox. A devious little pitcher who is quite fond of using pine tar, this player avoids getting nabbed by keeping incriminating evidence on all the umps. Watch out for this guy: he is known for sitting outside his oponents' houses the night before the game in a surveillance van. He's that dedicated to winning.

Bullpen Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir. A dominant pitching force to be reckoned with. However, Yassir has been caught multiple times using an emery board on the ball. She is currently serving a three-game suspension.

Closer, Aaron Pierce. He doesn’t look like much, but this 99 mph gunslinger will shut down your hopes of a 9th inning rally in nine pitches or less. While at the plate, any taunts concerning Martha Logan should be avoided unless you’re prepared to receive a little chin music.

Team Coach, Noah Daniels. Able to pep talk (read: scare senseless) his team out of any funk, this veteran is the steady hand at the helm of this softball team. But like all former managers of the squad, Daniels has to learn to defer all major decision to his catcher, Jack Bauer.

I'm an uncle!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I became an uncle for the first time!


Congratulations to my brother David and his wife Elizabeth on their healthy and handsome son. The boy has 6 seasons of 24 to catch up on (well, 5 if we just choose to ignore the disappointing last season) but first let's give the guy a chance to sleep. My brother and sister-in-law have yet to choose a final name, but I'll update you on that when the decision is made.

Tony Almeida is a good name... I'm just sayin'!

UPDATED: Alex Joseph is the boy's name. He will rule the Earth by the year 2035. All hail Alex!

Madame President? Day 7 News!

Word around the insane asylum is that the producers of 24 have lined up a female to be the next president for Day 7. Can you say Madame President Martha Logan? Heh.

24: DAY 7 (The Fan Fiction Way)

Amy Vernon, along with some of the more delirious minds in the 24-fan circle of bloggers have conspired to plot out Day 7 of 24. Blogs 4 Bauer has a nice compilation of our efforts (with pictures too!)-- go check it out.

The Constitution According to Jack Bauer

Every now and then Rickey likes to hop up on the soapbox. Now is one such time--gird your loins and fix your hair. At a recent discussion panel, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (yeah, that guy) decided it would be a good idea to reference 24 as legal precedent in an argument. Indeed, to quote Bad Boys II, shit just got real. Here’s a fun-filled excerpt of what Scalia had to say about the 24 universe:

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," "Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?"

"Say that criminal law is against him? ‘You have the right to a jury trial?’ Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.”

You can find the rest of the article here. Read it, its good stuff.

Ok, for a second, let’s put aside the apparent fact Scalia seems to think that mental and/or physical torture can yield useful intelligence. Forget the fact that in the tv show, when Jack Bauer casts aside the law, he acknowledges it and accepts the potential consequences. Forget all those silly tidbits. Here’s the meat of the issue: you have to be completely bat-shit crazy in order to cite a fictional television character in a constitutional argument. Back in the day, Rickey attempted to write many term papers, citing "Family Circus" cartoons as supporting material and did he get away with it? No sir. So why does a judge in the most powerful court in the nation get a free pass for this?

See, most of us are stable enough to distinguish fiction from reality. While watching 24, we happily succumb to the fantasy that if Jack Bauer can save L.A., then by all means he should be free to torture whoever he wants. He's not a real person. So therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a fictional Jack Bauer to torture fictional terrorists. (Frankly, we, the viewers kind of encourage it). But here’s where the line has to be drawn: you can’t allow Jack Bauer to exit the television set and torture real people. That would be bad. Can you imagine living in a world where a real Jack Bauer actually existed? No one would be safe—not even your goldfish.

Call us nuts, but Rickey gets a little nervous when Supreme Court Justices start thinking that the topic of fictional superheroes is perfectly reasonable to introduce into panel discussions about the legality of torture. (pesky international laws such as the Geneva Convention, on the other hand, are to be discarded as un-American of course). Make no mistake; this is merely a strawman argument to justify torture in your usual, non-critical interrogation scenarios.

Nonsense like this is why we need a 10 year term limit for Supreme Court Justices. Furthermore, what Rickey can't figure out is why conservatives are so deeply afraid of the legal process of our nation. Why is the highest judge in the land convinced that our legal system can't cope with a situation like this? It has in the past, and it will continue to. You'd think a reliance on what has always worked pretty well would be a natural tendency of a "conservative". Not so much apparently.

But hey, what else would we expect from a guy who ruled that counting all the votes in Florida in 2000 would somehow violate George W. Bush's due process rights?