Tuesday, November 16, 2010

24 Season 1: 7PM-8PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver strikes again!  She offers a brilliant, frantic review of one of the best episodes from Season 1.  I really love what you're about to read:

Greetings, fellow Twentyfourers! I have the next weekly dose of the Jack Bauer Power Hour. Previously on 24, Jack went to some National Park, George cracked more sarcasm, and David made a big speech. With relish that the Keith-Amnesia-Kim-is-with-the-drug-dealers storylines have finally ended, let us begin...

It's dinner time, folks! Maybe to us, but not to the characters of 24. Jack n' George investigate what looks like an abandoned golf course. They've been told that at 7:20, the power will be shut down in that location. George, of course, starts to lose heart in this information when he doesn't get instant results, and saunters back home leaving Jack to dig up whatever he can find. I'm liking this George guy less and less. In fact, if he didn't have a sense of humor, I would downright hate him.

Fresh of his stunning save, Tony is left to reap his reward by hawling a hysterical Teri and a wounded Creepo Doctor into his van. He calls Nina, they talk dirt, they hang up. Teri is downright screaming for Kim, and Tony ends up yelling, "TERI, GET IN THE CAR!" Seriously woman, get a grip will ya? Look? Alright? Yha? That's when we hear Tony mumbling, "I don't get paid enough to do this job..."

Down at the old slammer, Kim and Rick are put in handcuffs. Rick FINALLY decides to back Kim up and they agree to tell the police everything that has happened. Ignore the "hallelujah" chorus you hear in the background. Meanwhile, David gives Nicole the same ten speeches he's already given Keith, but reworded. But hey, at least she's in good hands! But then we get a little smackdown with Sherry, who marches in with the same yimmer yammer like before, about how the world will end if David tells the truth. She says, "I hope your conscience helps you when this is all over." David retorts back, "You mean the campaign or us?" Guys, this is big. This perfect couple has been at each other's throats all day, but they never actually talked about splitting up before. My goodness.

Jackanial Baueroone (Daniel Boone + Jack Bauer) marches fearlessly through the wilderness, and he just happens to notice something a bit funny. There is a passageway in the ground (if any of you have seen LOST, it's like the hatch) made of concrete. Ahhhhndre Drazen and his minions unfortunately already know that Jack is there, and this strobe light and alarm suddenly blare on, and Jack yells and there are soldiers and stuff and an unconscious Jack is dragged away. Security has a may of making a guy feel welcome, you know?

Jack wakes up, and pukes. (gross.) A guy comes in who looks suspiciously like that Spanish matinance man from earlier in the day. Not only does Jack learn that this place is an underground detention center (how cool is that?) but also that an unidentified prisoner is arriving at the important time- 7:20. Jack tells Matinance Man to prepare this place for battle. The plot has just majorly thickened! The SWAT bad guy soldier people prepare for battle to, but even Ahhhndre can't deny being a little antsy since Alexis hasn't called back. As Jillian Michaels said, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

Jack's homemade army of janitors prepares to look like they know what they're doing as a chopper holding the mysterious prisoner lands on the chopper patch. As Jack brings in the suspect, not only is Ahhhndre's army reluctant to attack because they see added recruits, but the power never goes off (I actually don't know how Jack stopped this). Ahhhhndre stands down, and zeee priisonerrr eeees seecurre!
(and the lights are on!)

Kim does a horrible job of explaining herself to the police officer, but let's face it, we didn't expect anything better, did we? She does have the sense to tell the officer to call CTU, which hopefully he will. Down in the dungeons, Jack tries to weedle his way into interrogating the prisoner, but of course, it is denied. So that leaves Jack with two options: a) go rouge, or b) get DOD Matinance Man to call his people. It'll probably end up being both. :)

Jack slips into a random control office, taps a few buttons, and just as he gets caught, sees who the prisoner is on the screen. Guess what, folks? Victor Drazen is alive and kicking! This is quite the twist, and Jack takes it about as well as I might! Of course, this raises the question, why would Victor's sons want to avenge their father who is already alive? I think we'll find the answer soon.

Jack has another arm wrestle with DOD Matinence, who concludes that their next move should be making phone calls. Jack disagrees because Jack is a step above the average mortal man. Oh, and it turns out that Drazen's sons know that their father is alive, and decide to use C5 to blast a way in. I suppose they're just trying to make up for their previous lack of Father's Day gifts, right?

Nina takes the whiplash from George all for asking why he hasn't told Jack about his family. This really annoys me, Nina has the most sense on this show past Jack and David! And yet she gets punted around like a football at that dimly lit office of hers. One observation I've noticed is how obsessed she is with Jack. I mean, she's always trying to do anything to make the man happy! And honestly, she seems to care very little for Tony, who she kind of has as a backup man in case Jack is gone or something. The DAh-Rah-Mah.

Yeah, guess what: it turns out Sherry was wrong. Seems like telling the truth is the latest fashion these days! David's numbers actually increase and I'm serious, if he doesn't end up president, I'll eat my hat. At the Presidential Hotel, at little par-tae is being thrown in honor of David's awesomeness. We then get another juicy David- Sherry scene, and behold: David doesn't love or trust Sherry anymore! Penny Johnson Gerald is amazing in this scene as she comes back saying, (in a very dramatic voice) "Well, David, you may not love me but you'll never leave me." David is kinda like, "Watch me." I just can't believe it! How can this couple seriously break up? They're soulmates! Sherry would have to do something really diabolical before I could ever think that they should actually break up. 

Down in the Chamber of Secrets, Jack gets the go (sort of) to interrogate Victor Drazen. Yeeeees! Dennis Hopper gives a smashing performance as the Bosnian nationalist, and as Jack tries to convince him to call off the attack, he refuses. (I suddenly have a future vision of another man Jack will also interrogate in a holding room and have believed he was dead --- Omgsh spolier alert!) Jack concludes that Victor won't talk, and prepares to move his men and Drazen out. But this isn't done without complications -- our last scene features men moving into the prison. "Thhhherre hhheeerrree," says Drazen in his native tongue, Vampirenese, with oily relish.

Another strong episode. This detention facility is super cool, I actually just feel like an agent myself by watching it! The Sherry -- David breakup update, however, seems a little unbelievable to me. I don't think hiding huge secrets from your spouse is OK, but to throw away 24 ---I mean 25, years of marriage for a problem that's already been solved? Sherry (or David) would have to do something truly evil for me to buy it. Nice action + interrogation + Less Teri and Kim + Super spy underground prison = Thrilling 24! Thanks y'all for tuning in! Only one more disc (sniff) till the season's done!

Editor's note: Watching this episode, I began to realize, sadly, how much I'll miss Dennis Hopper.  He brought a level of theater to his villain that was borderline comical, but still very intimidating. It's an underrated performance from a great actor.  Thanks again, BL- you had me laughing throughout your awesome review!

Monday, November 08, 2010

24 Season 1: 6PM-7PM Outsourced Retro Review

It's your Absentee Landlord here-- Many apologies to everyone for the lateness in posting Spencer's review.  I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by work- I know, boo-freakin-hoo.  I am sincerely grateful for everyone's continued contributions, and Spencer- thank you, man.  You've turned in another great piece- which I share with you all here:

Helloooooo, I'm Spencer. I substitute for Adam and write crappy reviews so YOU don't have too.(jk)

So, where are we now? Well, it appears that Dr. Russell Crowe has brought Tear-me Bauer to her house. Gee, it sure is a good thing that Dr. Russell Crowe doesn't like molesting people with amnesia. Meanwhile, Zee Big Russian Mon is peeking his head out from behind a tree, and...I'm sorry, but that's just funny. I know we're supposed to take it seriously, but it seems so cartoony for a villain character to be hiding behind a tree and peeking his head out menacingly. All that's missing is him saying, "Ha-ha, they've fallen right into my trap! Soon everything will fall into place and I'll be able to take over the world!"

Anyway, the two get in the house using a hidden key, and either R2D2's having some fun in the bathroom or the alarm goes off. Tear-me Bauer calls someone asking about how to stop it, and the lady asks for the password. Man, I really wish Tear-me Bauer would've said, "Lady, if I knew what the password was, first of all, I would've been able to turn it off myself, and second of all, if I knew the password, it wouldn't have gone off in the first place because this is a show! Use your brains, bitch!

While this is all happening, Nina tells Jack that the name of the most inconveniently shot man in history is Allen Morgan. Jack takes interest in this information. He and Nina are doing pretty well, though Bauer's still upset that he shot Nina, not because he likes her, but because since then she's been wearing long pants. Shakespearean tragedy for both Jack and the audience. I do have to say that these two look like Mulder and Scully when they're investigating. It's quite awesome.

Two cops come in to Tear-me Bauer's house and point guns, but she and the doctor put their hands up, so the cops are like, "Alright, you're cool.", and put their guns down. Innocent until proven guilty, I guess. Anyway, one of the cops knocks on the bathroom door and yells, "Get a life and stop thinking about C3P0!". The beeping stops. He then asks for Tear-me Bauer's ID, but doesn't need it when he's convinced that she lives here by all the photoshoped pictures in the house.

Jack spends a few minutes having a conversation with like, half the characters in the show, and when he's about to go off driving to investigate, George Mason reveals that he always wanted to be a taxi driver, so Jack gives him some pity and lets him drive.

Britney Spears is still stuck at the house with Rick, and Dan's brother is getting pissed off at the lack of breakable objects. He does finally learn that Dan's dead, and...brakes a lamp. Rick wants to call off the deal, and Mr. I Want to Break Things says, "We can't call it off with the drug dealers. We have to point guns at them and rob them!".

The Palmer family gets into one of those arguments that many people would get into if most families still ate dinner together at a table. The daughter has a two-second long seizure. Ah, the never-ending Palmer drama.

Tear-me Bauer's still trying to get her memory back, so Dr. Russell Crowe turns on a song from Britney Spears' music player. The only memory that she gets back is being in bed the night before with Jack. I have to say, I know I've been picking on him, but Dr. Russell Crowe seems ok. The writers are trying to make him look creepy, but he just seems like a guy that's trying to do what he can to help out this woman that he really cares for.

David's trying to keep the family together, but Sheri's like, "Hey, if you ain't gonna be president, I ain't gonna be some nice-ass wife! Fuck that shit!" Dr. Russell Crowe is talking with Tear-me Bauer about hotdogs and air-hockey. Some friend of Crowe's named Frank arrives to protect her just in case someone tries to kill her, but she decides that she doesn't like hospitals OR guns, so he stays outside. (And I love how this minor character's name is Frank. This won't be the last time the show practically makes fun of the name.)

David Palmer begins a pretty ass-kicking speech which foils Carl and his group's plans. The speech, which includes his concerns with Allstate's stand, will probably meet with praise from the general public. During this, Mason and Bauer arrive at their destination and find a door. Yay.

Well, the deal goes at the slaughter house, and Dan's brother and his friends manage to rip the drug dealers off....until they find that the drug dealers are cops, and they find this out by getting arrested BY the cops. Gap-tooth Larry hugs David after the senator finishes his speech, and finally a small scent of hope enters David as he starts to think that things might turn out well.

Dr. Russell Crowe shows Tear-me Bauer pictures of his ex-girlfriends, but Zee Big Russian Mon finally gets tired of hiding behind trees and shoots (sniggers) Frank, right when the poor guy needs to use the restroom. Russell Crowe only gets a bullet through the shoulder, presumably so that Zee Big Russian Mon can torture him if he has to so Tear-me Bauer will tell him where Kim is.(You know that a character's going to survive on 24 if they get shot in the shoulder.)
Zee Big Russian Mon begins to interrogate the woman, but he gets shot and killed by none other than Tony Almeida. KICKASS. The episode ends with the Palmer family preparing themselves for what lies ahead, Britney Spears going to prison(lol) and a helicopter flying by Jack and George, with Jack saying, "Someone knows we're here.". Not surprisingly, the episode ends on that note.

Of the reviews I've made, this was the most fun, no doubt with help from 9 hours of sleep, a couple of sodas, a steak, and a day off from school. Adam, I hope that your absence will come to an end soon, and if not, I would be happy to do more reviews.

So yeah, to be continued, dah-dah-dah.

Editor's note: Thank you, Spencer- a steak dinner suits you well.  I too hope to crack open a soda, grilled filet, the Season 1 set & get back to what I love- writing about the insanity of Jack's world.  In the meantime- everybody, please keep 'em coming. You're keeping this blog afloat, and I am truly thankful for and entertained by your awesome work.