Editorial by Josiah "Limpy" Stover on the missing CIP device (as transcribed by The Jack Sack):
I see that the land of beeping machines is in a bit of a pickle! Evil terror-mongers have absconded with the key to your systems. I don't want to say "I told you so" because that would be a sin, but... well, G-d forgive me- I TOLD YOU SO!
Being Amish doesn't seem so bad now, does it? Sure, we don't have indoor plumbing or electrical-circuitry to make our lives easier. But we also don't give a hoot about some computer machines going South, causing the End of Days, eh? No, sir, you don't need to plug in Mrs. Stover to get her to do the dishes or wash the clothes (but that's not to say she doesn't require the occasional "hard reboot" as you fancy people would say!). But that doesn't mean our lives are simple. Just last week, my neighbor "Butter Jake" was afflicted with a paper cut which was life-threatening. Sure, we could have used a little more technology to get him through the ordeal, but luckily he only lost the finger and not the whole limb.
That sort of business aside, we are truly living in an Amish Paradise, and by the looks of it you'll be joining us soon. I hear you have a secret weapon named Jack Bauer working to save your way of life. He came through our area a year ago, walking around and screaming "DAMMIT!" at our oxen. I never got to know him, but people say Bauer reminded them of my uncle "Balky John." "Balky John" used to only eat with a spoon when his wife threw out all of his forks (worried they were tools of the Devil). He never made a new set of forks until after she died. Eggads, that's dedication! Hope for your sake that Bauer spoons these terrorists to death. Wait... why are you laughing? Bah!