Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Here are some pics from my office Halloween party. The group I joined did a Star Wars theme- guess which one I am:

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

24 Season 1: 5PM-6PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver is back and bringing the double-barreled awesome sauce that is her trademark!  Thanks for putting together another great review, BL!

Outsourced Review for 5:00- 6:00 p.m.

Hello my fellow 24 lovers! We continue now with the next chapter (or in this case, hour) of our beloved show. Let's give a shout out to Adam for maintaing this wonderful site, and get ready to yell "DAMMIT" along with Jack and co. as we launch into the latest episode.

Previously on 24, we had hot sexy stabbing in the Hilton Head Hotel of Politics, Affairs, and Betrayals. Oh, and some nonsense with Teri losing her mind (we knew it was only a matter of time) and Kim running back to the kid who kidnapped her and on whom she has a crush (don't ask).

Jack decides to play the role of Alexis after a baseball loving terrorist calls him to make a deal. Nina finds Barrabonds (if that's how you spell it) in el hotel suite, and David whines about Jack "putting Elizabeth in danger." David, you're awesome, you know I love you, but it seems at some point on this show, you gotta scream at every character "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO BAUER!" Now is that time for David. Jack asks for the shirt off the nearest agents back (literally) who, without question, gives it. That's how much these people love Jack. They take their clothes off for him.

Back at Ye Olde CTU, Tony finishes off his 500th coffee in that Cubby Cup, while George yammers on about how they shouldn't tell Jack that Teri and Kim are missing. It comforts me that Tony is at least bothered by this idea, and grunts a moody "Alright" and trudges back to the salt mine.

I can't believe I'm writing these words, but back at Rick's house, Kim somehow concludes that searching Dan's old underwear drawer will help her find her mom. Ter Bear is meanwhile gets the story of her life by this creepo- doctor, who tells her that they used to skip rope in the playground together or some crap like that. I'm torn between "Eew," "This is stupid," and "Keeeeel the wiiiiiimem" in this paragraph.

Sher Bear, I Like Mike, and David gather round for a little chat about the only thing these people ever talk about, the Keith story. Mike and Sherry think the best idea is to bury the recording, but David, of course, doesn't think so. You know, I actually kinda agree with Mike and Sherry.

Jack calls George and Tony to tell them his play-Alexis idea, which they agree is a dandy idea. But Jack being a caring father and husband, wants to talk to Teri and Kim. George lies (BIG MISTAKE) and tells Jack that the girls are sleeping while Tony shoots him dodgy looks. George, I hope you don't value your life too much, because when Jack finds out about this, there ain't gonna be much of you left to bury. Just so ya know.

Jack and Nina take a little tour down Lovers Lane so they can talk more about Teri's knowledge of The Affair. Jack's pretty much like "Sorry that I didn't tell you that Teri didn't know that you and me were getting busy and sorry that she guessed it anyway." Nina's pretty much like "Sorry that I'm so much hotter than her, I didn't know it made her mad." These two are so sexay together, we all know it. Tony gets in a little shouting match with George at CTU, who wants all the latest dirt on this juicy office scandal. Tony gets pissed, and snaps back that he's not the editor of "People" magazine. I think Tony just feels bad that he doesn't get to chill with Jack and Nina in the field.  Instead, he's stuck in the office with Mason, who is too busy in the dirt of "Star" to give a darn about anybody.

David and Keith have even more heart- to-heart as Keith gets prepped for attacks from the media. It's nothing we don't already know, but it's still kinda nice. "You're in good hands," David says. "That's All- I mean, my stand."

The Vampire Cult haf a leeeetle diiiiisscussion about ze wiiiiiimem. Ahhhhndre seeeeeeys that they'de beeeeter be keeeeeled soon, and zeee other duuddde seeeeeeys zat he vill go to ze Baaahuer hooooome to fhhind zem. Ghoooood ideeeeeea.

Kim finally decides that she'd be best taking a leaf out of common sense, and decides to leave Rick's house. I am so paralyzed by the greatness of this statement that I don't even care that they kiss (at least, not that much). However, my jubilation is short lived when Dan's bro Frank barges in to tell them that he's got some kind of deal going down in half an hour, and nobody leaves till it's over. I knew it was too good to be true.

Jack and Nina look smokin' hot as they cruise up an escalator in some sort of outdoor shopping mall. We are then introduced to the greatest jerk so far this season, a dude named Teddy who has a personal beef with Jack over something stupid. This guys smirks, rolls his eyes, and talks back to Jack on just the planning of this most delicate of operations. I have a strong urge to stretch my hands on that flabby neck and squeeze hard. Oh and by the way- he's back-up shooter. Yes, you heard me correctly.

Creepo-doctor has Teri getting undressed in a candle-lit room with paintings of Renaissance women lining the halls. Yes, you heard me correctly. Teri has a "gut feeling" that going to the hospital would be a bad idea, and gets all talky and weepy on this dude. Guys, this is seriously getting weird. Like, really weird.

Fortunately, we are brought back into the real world with Sherry, a woman with a real head on her shoulders, even though said head is being used for nefarious purposes. She embarks on a little secret agent mission of her own, which involves her breaking into a painting safe to get the precious recording. What will she do? As Alex in his last review said, as Lucas said, as Anakin said, "I have a bad feeling about this." Though this, unfortunately, is much worse than buzz droids.

David returns after a commercial break to check on the tape. After all, tapes need to be watered regularly and fed on a diet of milk and honey. But then, Sherry stands up like she's ready to brave a hurricane. "I destroyed it," she tells David, without flinching a tad bit (this is the part where we all go WHAT THE HELL). But get this- David responds "It breaks my heart- but I was right." Turns out, IT WASN'T THE REAL TAPE!! David needed to see how far Sherry would go. And goodness knows, he saw it. My. Gosh. What a hell of a scene!

We are transferred to more awesomeness in the plaza shopping mall, where Teddy is hassling Jack. He explains that his partner's wife hung herself after her husband (the guy Jack busted) went to jail. Jack is nice enough to try and explain himself (I would have screamed bloody murder into the phone) and even helps an old lady into a chair. Gotta love him. It gets to the point where George  has to tell Teddy to take a little time out, count to ten, and be nice to everyone. I'm serious guys, I feel homicidal when I look at that guy. Someone shoot him, please.

Ooouur Seeeeerbian Russsian asssasiiiin keels ze agent gharding ze hause just as Teri and her doctor boy toy are on their way pulling in. Why Lord. Why. Why must Teri put her trust in this doctor guy? (who would take this guy over Jack, anyway?) The other Bauer girl we love to hate is chilling in Rick's casa. Turns out this "deal" that Frank is in is for a supply of ecstasy. But even better- they have no money, because Rick's not brave enough to tell this dude that his brother bit the dust and isn't coming over for the playdate. God help these idiots.

Time for the big showdown on outdoor plaza mall. Out mystery red baseball cap terrorist does show up after all- but figures out that Jack's not Alexis and runs for it. Jack takes off in immediate pursuit, and is almost on him, but that accursed man holding the snipah rifah says that "he'll slow him down for Jack". Jack roars, "DO NOT SHOOT!! I wring wet wash cloths in unadulterated fury as this pathetic excuse for a human being kills their only lead, firing a lethal bullet into the suspect, despite Jack's orders. Teddy, may your crops never harvest and your home turn to dust. The episode eeeeends wiiiith Baheur's whiiife and docctir goiiiing into ze Baheur hhhooome, where Ahhhndree's agent ahvvaits.

Sweet episode. We got great scenes with Jack and David today, not to mention a new level of hatred with "Teddy". Kim and Teri are like the price we pay for these awesome scenes of awesomeness, like a fine or a tax. Let's face it- nobody messes wit the Jackstar. Hope you liked it!

Editor's note: "Sher Bear" is a downright classic. And this entire review is fast-moving and constantly making me smile. Thank you so much!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

24 Season 1: 4PM-5PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's Note: Sorry for the delay, I've been busy resolving some matters non-TJS related (work, work, work!). Alex turns in a truly excellent review this week- I'm very grateful for the hard work and talent he displays here.  Alex- thank you again-- and now, I share his review with you all:

Hey, everyone, Alex here with my reviewcap of 24: Day 1, 4:00 - 5:00 P.M. The episode is classic Season 1: lots of plot development, great character moments, and the right amount of action. So let's get on with it!

Kim is walking and calling for Teri as she looks at a nice view of Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure the Hollywood sign is behind her. Meanwhile, Teri is in a car with Tonya, who tells her that she's never met anyone with amnesia before. Teri says that she doesn't remember meeting anyone with amnesia before, either. Tonya asks her if she comes from money, or if her husband has money. Teri says she has no memory of her husband. I can't believe she just asked Teri about her husband, considering we just spent the last sixty seconds reiterating that she has amnesia.

Back at the Palmer suite, testosterone hits an overload as Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce meet in the same hallway. Jack and Aaron go over the plan to get to Alexis Drazen, while Elizabeth says she's sorry for ever getting into this whole mess. Aaron tells her it's alright since she didn't know who Drazen was, but throws it back into her face that he's a stone-cold killer. That's what happens when you have testosto-adrenaline running through your veins. You can say stuff like that and get away with it. Jack knows this all too well and starts setting up audio-visual coverage of Alexis' hotel room.

Tonya takes a stab at the health care system telling Teri that there's a hospital near the end of the road, but that she doesn't know how good it is. BAM! Before they can get there, Teri recognizes a restaurant. Tonya says maybe they should keep going, but Teri's lack of remembering also includes a lack of caring what Tonya has going on. Teri says she's going to stay, so Tonya gives her $10 and her phone numero to go and get sushi when she's all better.

Meanwhile, Nina tells Elizabeth that without compromising herself, they need her to act as she always did with Alexis. Elizabeth is uncomfortable with this, as that usually meant being nekkid. Apparently there's no problem being super promiscuous if the guy is nice and buys you fancy jewelry, but the second you find out he's an assassin, it gets "awkward." Palmer comes into the room and tells Elizabeth that she doesn't have to go through with meeting Alexis. Nonetheless, Elizabeth is determined to help take this guy down. Palmer asks to speak to Jack. He's not happy with Jack putting Elizabeth in danger. He's known her since she was born. The man changed diapers and burped her, and says if anything happens to her, he's holding Jack personally responsible.

Kim walks out into the middle of the street and almost undoes all of Jack's hard work trying to keep her alive when a car almost runs into her. She finds a pay phone and calls CTU and tells Tony that the safehouse was ambushed, and that she thinks Teri has been kidnapped again. Tony is blown away, but tries to get Kim to tell him where she is. Kim doesn't want to tell him anything and hangs up. Tony tells Mason what's going on. They send a team to the safehouse, but Mason doesn't want to tell Jack what's going on until the Elizabeth operation is over. Tony disagrees, but Mason doesn't want Jack's emotions to get the best of him and jeopardize the operation. Apparently the lump in his leg from begin tranq'ed at the start of the season isn't big enough to remind him that you don't keep secrets from Jack Bauer.

Jack asks Nina if the operation is ready. It almost is, but Jack loses it with her. She calls him on it, and he apologizes, admitting that the events of the last twelve hours have gotten to him. Nina understands. Just as she's about to leave, Jack asks why she didn't finish debriefing Teri and Kim. Nina thinks she can B.S. Jack, but is called away by other CTU agents. Saved by the (proverbial) bell.

Kim makes a dumb move and calls Rick. She tells him what went down and that she's coming to see him. He protests, but Kim tells him that she'll tell the police everything. She also tells him that he's the only person she can trust, this in spite of him playing a heavy hand in her kidnapping. As a George Lucas script will inevitably say somewhere, "I have a bad feeling about this."

Keith enters Palmer's room and apologizes to him for getting on his case. He says he knew Palmer was trying to protect him. He plays Palmer the tape he made of his conversation with Karl. Palmer asks for the tape, and Keith hesitates, but Palmer asks him to trust him. Enter the ticking clock!

Alexis calls Andre and tells him that Palmer is staying in L.A. Andre and Alexis have a discussion on the merits of women. Andre says that they can't be too careful and wants Alexis to kill her after they have their rendezvous. Alexis doesn't look to happy with that, but I have a feeling that he's going to be a professional.

In Alexis' suite, Jack goes over the final details of Operation: Lover Betrayal with Elizabeth. He tells her not to worry, they have complete audio-visual coverage of the hotel room, and gives her a code phrase to say if she wants him and other agents to come in and lay the smack down. She can tell that this is what he really wants, but he tells her if she can stomach sparing Alexis, there's a tracker they'd like her to place on him.

At the restaurant, the manager arrives and talks to Teri. He's surprised that Teri doesn't remember anything. He mentions her "doctor friend," but Teri doesn't recall anything about him. He just happens to know the number of the hospital said doctor friend works at, and is going to give him a call. Meanwhile, Jack and Nina go over the final portion of O:LB before it kicks into high gear. As they do, Jack confronts Nina about why she's holding something back from him. Nina tells him that Teri figured out she and Jack were involved with one another during their marital hiatus. (That ridiculous amnesia storyline may work in someone's favor after all!) As Jack takes personal responsibility for what's happened, Alexis arrives back at the hotel. He gets ready to meet with Elizabeth by drinking some mouthwash or vodka. It's really not clear which it is, as the monitors are pre-HD.

Elizabeth knocks on the door. He doesn't answer, so she tries to ding-dong ditch him. Just as she's about to go, he shows up. He tries to tongue-kiss her (so forward!) but she's apprehensive. She tries to talk work with him, but he's only interested in one thing. That thing that girls are always told guys are after. You know what it is. Anyhow, she sends him for some vodka, and she tries to go after his wallet. She finds it, but drops the tracer. She can't get it back into his jacket before he gets back, so she stuffs it in hers. They talk for a bit, and Alexis tries to find out what the deal is with Palmer. Elizabeth persists that she is out of the loop. He wonders why someone so smart is kept out of the loop. Elizabeth apparently spells "smart" S-M-R-T, as she tells him he has no idea how intelligent she is since most of the time they've spent together has been in bed. Alexis is taken back, but she covers for herself by asking for some food. While Alexis goes for the room service menu, she plants the wallet back in his jacket.

But then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It wasn't a Hobbit, but rather love. Alexis tells Elizabeth that he's fallen for her as Jack clears the SWAT team from the hallway. He places the call to Elizabeth, while Alexis tries to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She ignores Jack's call as she tells Alexis to tell her that he loves her again. He walks right into it, and tells her that she loves him, too. Jack calls again, and she ignores it. She asks him to order her food, and moves towards the desk. Jack and Nina wonder what is going on as she picks something up. The image is blurry (I thought the government was something like 20 years ahead of the rest of society. You'd think they'd have HD monitors even ten years ago!), and it takes them a minute to realize it's a letter opener! As Alexis comes up behind her, Elizabeth turns and stabs him right in the gut. Jack takes him down as he enters the room, and tells Nina to call a medic.

Kim arrives at Rick's house. His BFF GF answers and ask just who Kim is. Rick tries to cover, but his girl is wiser than she seems. Rick comes semi-clean, and tells her that Dan screwed things up the night before, and Kim is trying to find some people Dan knew. Meanwhile, Teri's doctor buddy shows up and talks to Teri. She's a little jumpy as he moves towards her, but he seems to calm her down.

Jack talks with Mason as he cleans up. Mason isn't too happy since the plan went down in a hand-basket. Jack tells him that it's not like he was exposed to radiation, and that Alexis has a 50/50 shot. Just then, Palmer comes in, demanding to know what happened. Jack tells him that Elizabeth stabbed Alexis. Palmer says that she must have been defending herself. Jack says that's not how it was at all, and that, quite frankly, he'd never put himself in a position to get stabbed in the gut. Palmer finds Elizabeth who apologizes for what happened. Jack tries to calm Palmer down, but just then Drazen's phone rings. Nina asks Jack what they should do. Jack says they need to take a chance. He answers and makes plans with Drazen's contact to meet up.


All in all, pretty good. The only complaint is the ridiculous amnesia storyline that plagued Season 1. But other than that, the episode is pretty solid. Thanks for your time. See you again soon!

Thursday, October 07, 2010

24 Season 1: 3PM-4PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver brings it, people. Kneel before BL!

Hey peeps, BauerLuver speaking! Happy to yet again review the greatest show ever devised by mankind, known to us as 24! This episode is filled with cars, startling revelations, and amnesia. So, on that happy note, let's fasten our seat-belts and get this baby rollin'!

Agent Chesty, named so for his voluminous chest hair, has just been strangled by super-unnamed-bad-man with a piece of yarn. After Jack yells his name over the phone for like thirty times, he concludes that the guy is probably dead, and calls a funeral home to make preparations. Milo barges in to tell him that "Johnny Cool Guy", one of Palmer's suspected assassins, is Alexis Drazen, one of Victor Drazen's sons, and also an excuse for Elizabeth to make frequent family stops everywhere on the campaign. I wonder where her Grandma really lives...

Speaking of which, ole Johnny Cool calls his blushing lover, where she relays that its cool to "hang out" at four thirty. Real smart, this girl.

Back at the not-so-safe house, Black Guy and White Guy (sorry Spencer, I must use those nicknames, I love them so much) are sitting around waiting for their inevitable doom, and from the looks of it, it might be pretty soon, because some construction dudes are acting kinda weird with walkie talkies. Teri and Jack have a quick little conversation revealing how troubled Teri is about her new found knowledge of Nina and Jack, but she still doesn't tell Jack about the baby news or even that she knows about The Affair. You know what Teri needs? A good friend, that's what. Feel kinda sorry for her right now. Oh, and back at the hotel, everybody's favorite secret service agent shows pictures of the assassins after Palmer. Guess who made the list? Ole' Johnny Cool, that's who. Explain this one, Elizabeth.

Kim is lying her puny head off to Nina about Rick. This is simply beyond stupid, if you ask me. You gotta flex your daddy's genes, girl! Anyway, Teri us giving Nina the cold shoulder, and decides to start getting questioned again. This to me is pretty bold, since she's talking to her husband's mistress. (Editor's note: Sounds like an episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" to me!) David tells Jack about Johnny Cool and Elizabeth, and flinches marvelously at the word "intimate". Kinda ironic for Jack, doncha think...

Kim calls (guess who) Rick on her phone to tell him that she's tired of covering for him. I could scream like a banshee at these two, but I won't. (Editor's note: The Kim/Rick relationship is probably the most ridiculous writing this season, but hey-- it's California!) Teri and Nina are having an itchy scene, where Teri ends up saying "things tend to get complicated when you screw your boss". No argument there, Ter Bear, but you could have said it nicer. Nina decides she's sick of arm-wrestling with these two idiots and feels the time is ripe to say adios. Go back to the real job, Nina. a.k.a. screwing people you work for. (Editor's note: Hey! She *hearts* Jack Bauer! Give that leggy broad a chance!)

And guess who's back at CTU, folks? George Mason walks in on Jack changing to get a slice of the pizza pie that Teri and Nina are currently sharing (Editor's note: More food!!!). Jack decides it would be a good idea to use the 4:30 meeting with Johnny Cool to their advantage-- get the upper hand in this mess, and see who Mr. Cool works for. Surprisingly, George doesn't argue for that long. And people say miracles can't happen...

One minute, David and Keith have enormous smiles on their faces, laugh, and promise each other that they'll be there for each other until the Judgement Day. Next minute, they're mad again, about David's decision to hold back the Ferragamo story, and talking in "outdoor voices" (or at least Keith is). Boy, I wish Kim and Keith could meet, they'd be best friends! " 'Hey Keith, let's totally ignore what the adults tell us to do because we know better, especially given the great choices we've made in the past!' 'Ok, Kim! And by the way, you're hot.' " (Editor's note: Keith Palmer is the world's dumbest person. I wish a thousand miserable days upon that character. David, ask for a paternity test, bro.)

Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude calls Andy Drazen (I mean Andre) to say that he found the girls. Oh boy. Just when I thought we were done with "the women are in danger" storyline...

Jack is accessing files with Milo. Milo tends to keep his head down, probably due to his iron ore earrings dangling hypnotically from his ears. Jack tells Milo to watch for charging rhinos, slippery snakes, and worst of all, MOLES. W-what? A-a mole in CTU? Who ever dreamt up such foolishness? Yeah, I wasn't surprised either.

Keith decides to take matters into his own hands. A great idea, considering he did such a swell job the last time. He gets Nicole to stall so he has time to escape out of a hotel window using a rope ladder he made from dirty sheets. 24 kids truly are a different breed!

Weeping Beauty Elizabeth arrives at CTU and decides to go along with Jack's idea of espionage for higher purposes. She has a little cherry red nose, a gushy sob story about how she met Johnny in a bar, and a definite streak of bravery. Perhaps this might explain why the words "she's so dead" are rolling around in my head like marbles!

Death has come for White Guy. While Black Guy interrogates the ladies, CVSD (Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude) shoots a friggin' harpoon in him! He might have been dead from the start, but a warm little place in my heart has just become cold because of this...
Guess what? The safe house is hit. Black Guy decides to check on his buddy, leaving Kim to comfort Teri, who is feeling a little off. CVSD kills White Guy (yes him too) but not before Momma Bauer and Lil' Kimmy run to and escape in a car that is somehow miraculously unlocked. CVSD chases them on foot, until he finds a sweet ride he can hijack (also miraculously unlocked).

Nina has returned to CTU just in time to tell Jack that Teri and Kim are as cool as cucumbers. She decides to hitch a ride on another little field trip to the hotel with Weeping Beauty and Jack. However, at the same time, Teri and Kim cruise down a mountain pass while being chased by CVSD! At one point, Teri thinks they have lost their creepo-Serbian-terrorist-stalker. She decides to see if the coast is clear. But the car, with Kim still in it, starts hurdling down the mountain faster than you can say "Grigorovich." The car hits the bottom, and bursts into flame. Good. Gravy. This is too much for Teri, so she decides that tasting some dirt might help her troubled nerves.

Carl and Keith meet on Telescope Terrace. They talk dirty, with words like "death", "frame", "coverup", "story", and "your father" coming up frequently in their conversation. The conversation ends with Carl huffing off looking to ruin more peoples lives. But wait, there's more! Looks like Keith does have a grain if sense in him, because he taped the whole conversation. First smart thing he's done in seven years. Carl, you're going down!

Teri deems that dirt tastes nasty, so she gets up to graze somewhere else. Then comes the weird part. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, but somehow, Teri has amnesia. (Editor's note: Shark gets jumped here!)  Of course, a Good Samaritan decides to pick her up and give her a ride, leaving me to ponder this strange plot twist. Somehow, Kim survived the car blowing up, and a beautiful Sean Callery musical piece plays as she climbs up the mountaintop, ending the episode with her shouting, "Mom! Mom!"

I don't really know how I feel about this episode. Good, I guess, and better than the last one, which was all sex, no violence (I like it the other way around). But this episode just had a strange ending. I mean, come on, amnesia? I am eager to see the 4:30 meeting with Johnny next episode, though!

May Bauer be with you. Always.

Editor's note: BL, thank you again for a fantastic job- I love the nicknames, the detail, the whole thing was awesome. And you're 100% right, the amnesia angle is all sorts of ridiculous and it takes a lot to accept even given the crazy shit Teri suffers through. She becomes a human pin-cushion at some point, and I think this is where it happens.  Whatever can go wrong with a person will happen to Teri by the end of this season...

Monday, October 04, 2010

24 Season 1: 2PM-3PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's Note: My writer's strike continues (not for long!) and coming back for a second bite at the fruit called "The Jack Sack" is the loquacious Spencer. He uses big boy language and lays down metaphors like a deluge of chubby rain!  Enjoy:

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s Spencer again. I’m standing in for Adam, who’s uh, so going to continue reviewing this season….whenever the fuck he feels like it. (Editor's note: Dude, I'm right here! I can hear you!!!)

Seriously though, Adam, I can’t thank you enough for giving me- and us- this opportunity to review some episodes. It’s just more proof, if anyone actually needs it, of you’re awesomeness. (Editor's note: Alright, curse away you charming fucker).

Anyway, the hot hottie of hotness is engaging in “romantic activities” with the terrorist/pervert/liar we met two episodes ago. It’s funny, because they’re having sex and he actually think he’s worthy of this girl. Seriously, when I think of the hottest women in 24, I think “Renee….Kim…”, and then this girl, the hot hottie of hotness, or HHH.

Tony’s trying to stall while David wants to see Jack. Almeida’s like “Can I get you anything?”, and Palmer’s like “Stop stalling.” Then, Tony calls Chappelle and is like “Uh, I can’t stall anymore,” and Ryan‘s like “Ah dammit, you didn’t say something that would allow me to act like a big enough dick. Oh, wait a second, never mind, I got it! Ahem- well, until I know more, I don’t want to put those two together,” and Tony’s like, “Alright." (Editor's note: This is sounding like an episode of "Gilmore Girls!").

Nina’s driving Kim and Teri to the safe house, where Teri tries to ease her daughter’s worries about her stomach aches, saying that it was “Just a cist burst.” I’m sure that everyone that watched this episode for the first time were thinking, “Man, is there the slightest chance she’s not pregnant?” Meanwhile, in a very underrated moment of the show, Jack gets rid of all of the day’s stress in seconds by screaming at Maleficent.

Drazen and the hot hottie of hotness finish having sex, and when she’s about to take a shower, Alexis keeps trying to be nice to her, which pretty much makes him the most evil character on the show. At CTU, Palmer’s still trying to see Jack, so he talks Chappelle’s mom into calling him, and the call goes a little like this;

“Who is this?”

“Who else would be calling you? It’s your MOTHER, Chappelle!”

“Uh, mom, I’m working at CTU. We can’t really talk right no-”

“Don’t you DARE talk to me like that, Chappelle! Remember who you’re talking to!”

“Wha- what do you want?”

“David Palmer has just informed me of you keeping him from talking to someone. Now let the man do what he wants, or I’ll GROUND your ass again, CHAPPELLE!!!”

“Oh-god-oh-god, alright, don’t worry about it, mom!”

Anyway, David gets to talk to Jack, and it’s a nice little conversation. They laugh, have a few drinks, yell at each other since Palmer thinks that Jack’s trying to kill him. David’s like, “I know Allstate’s stand, but I’m not in mother fucking good hands until you EXPLAIN yourself!”, and Jack’s like “Man, I really wasn’t trying to kill you!”, and David’s like, “Oh.”

Black guy(who’s name probably IS black guy) sees Teri and Kim’s approaching car and says, “Alright, my imminent death should happen very soon- I mean, um, alright, they’ve just arrived at the safe house.” The women all get out of the car, and we get introduced to Black guy’s partner, White guy. I wonder if they were getting impatient for their imminent deaths. Nina explains to Jack’s family that these two men have worked with Jack for many years and that they’re two of CTU’s best. Alright, writers, we already KNEW that they were going to die, you really didn’t need to make it more obvious to us. Damn.

Black guy and White guy ask Nina where she wants them, and she says, “One in and one out.” Now Nina, you’re not talking to Tony and Jack.

Palmer and Bauer begin to figure out what’s going on- though still unaware of who’s ultimately behind this. They contact a man who was involved in a two-year old operation with both of them- Barney Gumble, and the three of them start doing research. (24, can someone die?)

HHH finds out that her planned flight to Nevada might not happen, so she immediately calls her boyfriend/sex toy/terrorist and lets him know. But Alexis is sitting with Andre Drazen, so it turns out that he’s a h- Ohhhh, they’re brothers.

Teri finds out that she’s, in fact, pregnant, and she tells Kim, who gets upset, because…Ok, for once I don’t like Kim. But Teri explains how Kim should try and understand what she’s going through and that being pregnant is scary. Hell, I understand that. Any Bauer that’s pregnant should be scarred shitless of their baby cutting his/her way out of their stomach. Teri, just know this; When you give the kid a bath, DON’T DRY IT OFF WITH A TOWEL.

Milo comes in and Barney needs his login id and password. You see, Milo’s important! But a guy comes in the bar that Barney’s in, and Gumble gets his gun ready. However, it turns out that he just wants a beer.

Teri and Kim are eating (Editor's note: It seems like Season 1 was really the only season where characters were consistently eating, didn't Nina have a pierogie back in the beginning of the day?), and Nina needs to question Teri about what happened, while Kim calls Rick, and he’s like, “I don’t have a rich family. Feel sorry for me.” Other than that, I can understand how he’s afraid of going to prison for life. Seriously though, Rick’s not THAT bad of a character. Consider this; if Kim were in his position, she probably wouldn’t last a day, and that is WITHOUT cougars, pedophiles, animal traps, blond-obsessed women-abusers, and anything having to do with cars. (Editor's note: You could put Kim in a room filled with only cotton balls and band-aids and she'd still find a way to almost die).

While researching, David starts to talk to Jack about his thoughts, and when he mentions his family, Jack tells him that it’s not easy being a part of a family in anyway. This is probably the defining scene of the episode. But David has to leave, so he gets Jack reinstated for the day. Back at the safe house, Teri finds out that Jack dated Nina and almost loses it. Ouch.

Barney Gumble goes to the restroom, and guess what- he gets strangled to death. I have no doubt that eventually the police will come in and the bar will be investigated. Man, why can’t people just leave bars alone?

Well, that’s my review of the episode. I will say this, though; I can’t help but find it unique because it seems like one of the few episodes to have a theme and a message to it, and it’s about the hardships of being a family member. Episodes with messages is not something that 24’s known for- sure, there have been seasons with themes and messages, such as season 3 and season 7, but not episodes. For 24, this is odd, but not unwelcome. Thanks again Adam for letting me review this episode. I look forward to seeing the next reviews.

Editor's note: Spencer, thank you for another great review. I really appreciate the hard work you've put into this one- and it gives me a sick sense of satisfaction that you and others know firsthand how much time it takes to do one of these reviews.  But again, I am thrilled with the results!

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