The Tragedy of Jack Bauer

For 6 seasons, we've been watching Jack Bauer's life get worse and worse. Starting with the death of his wife in Day one and culminating last night with his not-too-subtle contemplation of suicide, Jack Bauer is as tragic a figure as any.

What did I think of last night's finale? It was serviceable, but not awe-inspiring. It tied up most of the loose ends but left a few major ones danging for future seasons it appears. Before we get to the specifics of all of that, I have to say I am amazed that my "hopes, wishes and dreams" for the finale were all unfulfilled! That's right, I went 0-5 on the night! There was no explanation of Josh's true importance (a draft that I read, which may have been bogus in retrospect had Philip Bauer being Josh's true dad). There was NO FREAKIN' ALMEIDA, and this hurts more than words can describe. I heard no explanation about Doyle's past in Denver, and he lost his eyesight too, which was not cool. Cheng didn't die, he just made threats in that Elmer Fudd voice of his to nobody in particular after being captured. And Nadia, while in the locker room talking to Milo's creepy-ass brother, couldn't find two minutes to take a much-needed shower. Sigh.

Okay, not that all my prospects for last night's episode came up empty, what was good? I LOVED the goofy scenes with the Russians. They're the most unintentionally funny characters on the show. Here they are, "furious" about this circuit board falling into the Chinese's hands, and they are nodding along with VP Noah Daniels like everything he's saying makes sense. Like everybody is all friends, in fact! And after the oil platform is taken out, you see the Russians shrug at one another as to say "Do we not start World War Three then? Okay, let's drink!"

Also, as Bill and Jack take the chopper to save that mysteriously unimportant 16 year-old Josh Bauer, there's another classic 24 moment that I shall always cherish: Jack turns to Bill and hands him his own sack! Then Jack takes his sack out and the two renegade rogues march forth to fly on some desperate suicide mission. Cue loud synthesizer music! Aw. Yeah.

But the show's best scene, probably of the whole season in fact, came courtesy of William Devane (SecDef James Heller) yet again. Devane and Sutherland own the screenwriters. Whatever crap those drunk bastards in the Writer's Room come up with gets shined to a gleaming piece of gold by these two professional actors. But the scene with Jack and Heller was a good reality-check for the show; folks, Jack Bauer is broken. It's fun to see the guy take out 30 Chinese dudes in 2 minutes flat, but the sad fact is that he is so far down a path of psychosis that he may not ever be truly normal ever again. This is interesting material. Now, I'm not asking that there be therapy sessions with Jack and Dr. Melfi on the show, but the occasional mention of Jack's mental state lends credibility to the show. And I like the nod to the end of season 3 where after everything dies down, Jack got into his car and started crying like a deranged mess of a man. But last night, in a similar set-up, all you saw was emptiness on Jack's face. And what James Heller said to Jack about needing to be in the game is completely true. Jack is made to do this-- and for at least two more seasons, we get to watch more life and humanity get sucked out of this tragic hero.

Let's hope the next six months go by quickly.

Hopes, Dreams and Wishes- DAY 6 FINALE TONIGHT!!!

Well, this has been an up and down season, I think we can all agree. There were some fantastic moments (anything with Chuck Logan), some good new supporting characters (Nadia and Tom Lennox) and we got to see The Jack Sack, albeit too breifly a few episodes ago. But now, it all comes down to tonight's 2-hour finale. Below are a couple of quick thoughts I have about tonight's show:

1) Please justify Josh's importance. Y'all have been running around, killing people and causing a lot of trouble over this whiny kid. Just come clean already and tell us why Philip Bauer would want to kidnap Josh and take him to China. Seriously, is Philip the daddy? Gross? Yes! Does it justify all of this attention spent on Josh? Double-Yes!

2) Bring Back Almeida. This isn't too difficult to pull of, is it? Don't being back Chase Edmunds or Hector Salazar... Almeida is the one "death" the writers need to undo.

3) Kill Cheng. Cheng is not so much a good villain as he is a pain in the ass. He's annoying, he makes me want to stop eating Chinese food. Cheng is a pest, a guy who takes things waaaay over the line, like a bad ex-girlfriend. Yes, a few years ago, Jack walked inside a Chinese Embassy, accidentally allowed their Consul to get shot, violating international law, etc. But since then, I think Cheng has gotten his revenge and then some. Why is Cheng being such a prick? His vendetta against Jack is weak. Cheng annoys me. Jack, kill him.

4) Have Doyle tell us what happened in Denver! All this build-up, and nobody has mentioned what Doyle did in Denver that got him in hot water. What the heck could he have possibly done in Denver? Denver!!! Now that Milo is dead, that's one less person that knows what happened... so perhaps there is something shady going on afterall... heh.

5) Give Nadia a shower scene where she smiles like she won the Mega Millions! Do I need to justify this to any of you good people?

One question: WHY???

22 hours later-- all of the death, destruction and screaming comes down to the fate of some whiny white kid from the good side of the tracks. I'm honestly baffled as to why we should give a flying pancake about the fate of Joshua "Josh" Bauer. Sure, he's Jack's nephew/son and he's a lot better at handling himself than his cousin/sister Kim when a crisis comes down (he kicked Cheng in the face like a rabbit going into the stew pot!). But why are we following the fate of this walking/talking MacGuffin? The boy is all together useless as far as we know. Unless Phil Bauer stuffed the kid with diamonds back at the hotel, he has no value. If you were on the lam from every American law enforcement agency, would you weigh yourself down with some weepy, kick-happy teenage boy? What? To protect the family line? Well, Phil, if you were so worried about that, you shouldn't be killing your kids! What does a grown man want with a teenage boy?

And this brings me to the place that many of you will probably want to toss heavy objects at my head for mentioning. Well... if any of you ever watched Dateline in recent months, you'll know what I'm implying here. I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to walk through Phil's door and say "Hey there! What are you doing?" Sure, Phil will likely shoot Hansen in the face before he could read the chat logs, but the point is that if you're going to push a crappy subplot like a grandfather kidnapping his grandson, ya might as well go the distance.

The point to all of this is that I cannot see why Pappy Bauer cares so much about taking his grandson to some far off place. To protect the Bauer legacy? Is Phil the baby-daddy? Gross as that may sound, at least THAT would make some degree of sense. Indiana Jones and Henry Sr. shared that Nazi dame in The Last Crusade, so it's been known to happen before. And this would make Marilyn Bauer the show's most prolific slut of all-time. But again, we're jumping a school of sharks going into this territory. This is 24 people! Teenage boys are supposed to be WATCHING the show, not figuring into the plot in the final two hours! And don't get me started about the U.S. government doing this trade with Phil. What's next, Vice President Daniels bets the entire Federal Reserve in a game of Three-Card Monte? Friggin' absurd, I tell you.

The first 50 minutes of tonight's episode were magnificent... but this Josh thing really bugs me. Hopefully the return of Bill Buchanan and _______ will right the ship once and for all. Copy that, Mr. Surnow?

The Jack Sack Recap: 2:00AM-3:00AM

Last night we got some much-needed action-- we saw some Chinese bounty hunters shoot up CTU, we had Jack shoot up some Chinese bounty hunters, and then we had the "hero" moment where that poor, dumb bastard, Milo had to man-up and protect the "confused" little Nadia Yassir from certain death.

You know, let's start with Milo's death-- I find it very funny that the Chinese guys had access to all of CTU's computers and data and they could have easily gone to any laptop and punched in "Who's in charge here?" and they would have gotten an answer. But these bounty hunters are working on a WHOLE different level. They want to weed out the heroes. That's why they didn't even bother to check who the real boss was, instead they wanted to see who had the biggest brass ones and then remove that guy from the equation. And that brutality sends a message to the rest of the hostages-- we are not beneath killing people at will. I approve of the bounty hunters' strategy for taking CTU (I know, I know, I couldn't take a candy bar hostage from a mini-mart let alone lock-down a federal outpost, but as an observer, I can appreciate a good home run, a nice basket and an awesome tactical mission).

All the while, we had Jack doing his "John McClane" bit in the dark hallways of CTU. It was good to see Jack peel off a few rounds, but his getting caught shows he has slowed down in his old age. Even last season at the airport, Jack was able to pull off some nifty kills using his Palm Treo before he finally gave himself up. And even then, Jack was making moves to secure further terrorist deaths by stating he was in a "flank-2 position." But that was last season. This season, the man is diminished. He is about to have that one psychotic break from which he can never recover. I love that they keep taking pieces out of Bauer, but maybe they should throw him a birthday party at the end of this season, complete with balloons and a large sandwich. Sandwiches always cheer me up...

And then there is that curiously evil man that Jack calls "Dad"-- Philip Bauer. Ol' Philly is up to no good again, trying to kill many good people and help the Chinese start World War Three, while kidnapping his extremely whiny grandson. I have a hard time figuring out why Gradpappy Bauer would want to drag that kid around. Did Phil stuff the kid with diamonds like a Colombian mule? Does Josh have an ability to open locks, control the weather and manipulate space-time, etc.? I hope that gets explained-- because if this is just about protecting the familial line, then that is plain stupid. And while they're at it, can they please explain a little more why Pappy Bauer is so freakin' evil? I dunno, the whole "I want to control the world because it's all screwed up anyways!" argument doesn't fly with me. They gotta try harder with that one.

Finally, there's Noah Daniels' little ex-girlfriend, Lisa. Poor Lisa got caught doing the nasty with a Russian spy. Now, Lisa has to listen to Tom Lennox (who's chillin' in a stakeout van-- and having way too much fun at that) and use her relationship with the shirtless spy to manipulate the Russians. It's convoluted but it makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is that Lisa couldn't come up with an excuse to leave the room for five minutes. All she had to say is "I gotta go drop a deuce." Who stops a woman when she says that?

Next week, more death, more spectacular screaming and shooting and lots of chaos. "24" is how I like to relax, how about you?

Jack Needs A Suit!: A "24" Picture-Book

Remember when you were a kid and you had those fun little picture-books? The stories were always pretty simple: "Clifford Gets A Birthday Cake" or "The Berenstain Bears Get Discriminated Against By The Anti-Semitic Co-op Board." Well, here's a "24" picture-book for you to share with your children- it's called "Jack Needs A Suit!"

"Jack, sweetie, Josh is really OUR son. And tonight he has a big piano recital, you really should come."

"DAMMIT! I hate piano recitals!"

"He's playing Pachelbel's Canon in D!"

"I'm screwed... I don't even have anything nice to wear... well Buchanan is a pimp, maybe he can help."

"Bill, it's Jack. I don't have time to explain, where do you get your suits?"
"Don't worry about it, Jack. I've given up on the fact that I outrank you. I get my suits from Charles Logan, he's the best tailor in the state."
"Copy that... I gotta see if I can get out of going to this recital, I'll call you back, Bill."
"Wait, Jack, there are terrorists-"

"Marilyn, you're killin' me. Do I have to go to this thing?"

"Look, Mister. While you were racking up kills and getting in bed with those damsels in distress, I was busy changing our baby's diapers, and sitting up with him when he had a fever. You're not getting out it this!"

"Now, tell our son you're going to his recital tonight!"
"Josh, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I am also your father. You're going to have to trust me, I swear to you that I will be at your recital tonight."
"Sweet, you're gonna be a much cooler dad than that other dude!"

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"I can't believe I'm asking this bastard to make me a suit."

"I know why you're here Jack... you need a suit."

(silence)

"Come on, ya big baby. I've got something I think you're going to love."
"Hey, Chuck, you have anything that can cover these horrendous scars on my hand. China was a bitch."

"Oh, here comes the guilt-trip. Look, when these Italian wools hit your skin, you're going to forget all about that China thing. Got a big night planned?"

"I was thinking of taking your ex-wife out."

"Not funny, Jack. I happen to know for a fact that you're going to a piano recital tonight. What, you think I don't have my sources? Jack, going to the recital is the wrong play. You should get a paternity test. Marilyn smells all those government checks piling up since you've been gone."

"You guys actually pay me for this? Damn... I gotta make a call to Wayne."

"Enough small talk, Jack. Let's see if we can't make you look civilized, yes?"

TWO HOURS LATER...

Jack has his suit and he calls Marilyn.

"Okay, we're gonna all go together in the minivan."

"Marilyn, I swear to you this doesn't end here. Bye, honey."

Graem Bauer: "I ain't no Luke Brower!"

Some people view the addition of Jack Bauer's brother, Graem, with a bit of skepticism. Last season, Graem, a then-unnamed Bluetooth™-wearing villain, was nothing more than a vague mystery. Now, during Day 6, it has been revealed that Graem is indeed Jack's brother. Some viewers see Graem's relation to Jack as a little bit too convenient. Well, in the spirit of breaking the "fourth-wall" here is a response from brother Graem:

During my celibate twenties, one of my all-time favorite shows was Alan Thicke's sitcom "Growing Pains" about a couple raising a bunch of precocious kids in comfy suburbia. Alan Thicke was the father I wish I had- a therapist who listened to his kids, who showed them attention and gave them love (you reading this, Dad?). For years, this was the best thing on television. I never missed an episode (little secret: I was totally crushing on Tracey Gold- what, like you weren't? ) Anyway, during the last season of the show, "Growing Pains" desperately introduced a new character, a troubled teen named Luke Brower. The idea was that Luke would keep the whole Seaver clan on their toes with his juvenile delinquency and cute smile. But, in the end, he was just a product of lazy writing- a cheap (and failed) way to boost the ratings. Now some of you think I'm also some sort of gimmick, but I'm here to tell you: I ain't no Luke Brower.

Nope, I want you to see me as Dawn Summers, sister to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I'm the sibling that's always been there but who was busy doing other stuff in prior seasons. And the more you get to know me, the more you'll want to see me be the real star of the show! I'm fresh! I'm putting more Bauer into the Power Hour! Doesn't that excite you folks? What makes Jack so great? Last time I checked, he was being burned with battery acid in a Chinese prison! And his wife is dead! (Damn, I love saying that!) The difference between Jack and me is that I control Presidents, while Jack wears a purse. You tell me who's the bigger man! But no, you're all just like my miserable family- they all LOVE Jack-- Dad, my wife... and my "son," Josh.

However you feel about me right now, I know you're all going to love me soon enough. I'm not a desperate ploy by writers who have run out of ideas-- I'm the next big thing! Before the day is done, you're all going to forget about Jack Bauer. "The Jack Sack" fad is coming to an end, people. They're going to have to change the name of this blog to "The Bluetooth™ Bauer!"

This message was brought to you by Poochie of "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie."

The "other" Jack Sack wishes to speak... (yikes).

In addition to learning of Jack's villainous brother, Graem, last week's episode introduced us to Jack's so-called nephew, Josh. Everyone, including Graem, seems to agree that the kid is probably Jack's (See a preceding scene with Jack's brother and wife, Marilyn: "Honey, remember when you used to shtupp my brother?") Before we speculate on this matter any further, here is a message from an authority on this issue... the "other" Jack Sack...

Let's cut to the chase: the kid is my work.

You know, I would be happy to give you all the details, but my memory is totally shot after that 20-month all-expense paid trip to Hell that some of you know as China... where balls go to die.

But back to this kid situation. I went through some old photos to see if anything would jog my memory and I found this picture which pretty much tells the whole story. Here we have Jack being social and drunk, and me sitting there, bored out of my skin. I asked Jack if I could get some reading light, I was doing a crossword puzzle, and the guy was just drunk enough to oblige. And somehow, when I wasn't looking, he drunk-dialed his sister-in-law, Marilyn and the rest is a mix of Peach Schnapps and Byran Adams tapes. I know the story could be better, but remember that I'm just learning how to function again. And typing was never easy for me, even before China!

Ah, but look at the boy. It's amazing how something so soft and cuddly could come from such a tormented night. Folks, that's the miracle of life!