Kiwi Fruit Organization protests "24"

On Tuesday, the World Alliance for the Cultivation of Kiwis and Yams (WACKY) issued a terse statement in protest of "24's" apparent misrepresentation of kiwi fruit onscreen. In part, WACKY stated "The mishandling of kiwi fruit by the show's producers and writers only serves to foment further kiwi-hatred within America. The show even went so far to implicate a kiwi fruit in the murder of a former U.S. President." Specifically, there is a scene in Monday's episode where former First Lady Martha Logan throws a kiwi at her ex-husband and in a flurry of activity that soon followed, Charles ends up with a knife in his shoulder. While video playback shows Martha stabbing Charles, it is not clear if the kiwi fruit was holding Charles down while this happened. Many viewers believe the kiwi was working with Martha.

WACKY cites nationwide riots at kiwi fruit stands all week as being a direct result of "24" and its portrayal of the fuzzy, squishy fruit. Standing in solidarity with its kiwi brethren are the Yams of America. Yams, who have been fighting their own battle in recent years to politically distinguish themselves from their more controversial cousins, the Sweet Potatoes, reaffirmed their dedication to peaceful protests. "Every Thanksgiving, we have to mount our own campaign to undo the misinformation spread about our group. We know how it feels to be unfairly associated with rotten fruits and vegetables. We're here to tell this country that kiwi fruit are non-violent. No American kiwi would ever try to assassinate a former leader of this great country."

Despite their efforts, pictures often carry greater weight than the spoken word. And the image of a kiwi violently attacking a former president is too difficult to ignore. One anonymous kiwi told us "They should be having parades for us, we killed one of the worst men to ever lead this country." And it's quotes like that which make us doubt the kiwis public declarations of peace.

Editor's Note: This article, also appearing in Blogs4Bauer, was written with the aid of NyQuil Cherry Flavor moonshine- err medication!

They're like steak and eggs!

Tomorrow's episode sees the return of Aaron Pierce (Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and Martha Logan (Pierce?) former First Lady to Chuck Logan. We saw some sparks last season between Aaron and Martha, but they're guaranteed to sizzle this year. Based on the preview for this week's episode, we get another classic "24" moment when Martha drills Chuck in the face with a peanut, as Aaron Pierce looks on solemnly. Was it a Spanish peanut? A Runner? A Valencia? The peanut-toss situation will be given the full investigative treatment by this blog, I swear to you!

Look at the happy couple!

Entertainment News: Oliver Stone to Direct "Logan"

Following last night's Academy Awards, controversial director Oliver Stone, known for such films as "JFK," "Nixon" and "Any Given Sunday" officially announced that production will begin on the long-rumored project "Logan." "Logan" will cover the recent controversial events that brought down former President Charles Logan, who left office nearly two years ago.

"It's a story about an average man who comes into power mostly by accident, or more by opportunity," said Mr. Stone in an interview with "The Hollywood Reporter." "Growing up in the 60s, and I saw a lot of this country's innocence dissolve during the Vietnam War, and since that time we have looked at our government with a skeptical gaze. Charles Logan is a fascinating chapter in America's dark, untold history; I want to make sure the whole truth gets out."

The industry has been set abuzz by Stone's all-star cast: Jack Nicholson is set to play Charles Logan, Meryl Streep has been signed to play the former First Lady Martha Logan, Ed Harris is the venerable Chief of Staff Mike Novick, Greg Kinnear will play the enigmatic Walt Cummings and Jamie Foxx has been cast as Wayne Palmer, the man who would later be elected President. Perhaps most controversial is the addition of what many call a "fictional" character, a rogue government agent named "Jake Brauer," who Stone insists is a real person and was instrumental in uncovering President Logan's crimes. Brauer will be played by Charlie Sheen.

Much like his past films about past presidents, "Logan" has already been dismissed for its "dramatic licenses." Stone says he has heard it all before: "I guess I have this big bulls-eye on my back because of who I am, right? Listen, what my film reveals is something the mainstream media has ignored, despite volumes of evidence showing otherwise. Logan was a fall guy, a puppet. There was a whole... I don't even want to use the word "conspiracy" because I know people will laugh, but there was a cabal of American defense contractors, Chechen rebels, Russian expatriates, former Special Forces personnel, and Caspian Oil Interests pushing for a worldwide conflict. They used terrorist attacks on U.S. soil to manipulate geopolitics to their own economic advantage. Luckily they were stopped by a courageous man, someone the government doesn't want us to know about- his name, from what I can gather based on exhaustive research, is Jake Brauer. Two years ago, this man disappeared, so I have no idea what he looks like. He's rumored to be in North Korea, but all attempts I've made with the Koreans to find Brauer have been stonewalled. Our own State Department refuses to help find this great man."

Members of Logan's former administration have refused to comment on Stone's movie, nor has the current Palmer Administration made any statements. It would seem that, yet again, Stone is off in the wilderness, pursuing his own inner demons by way of American history. "I had a... complicated relationship with my father. He sent me away as a young boy and I don't think we ever had a reconciliation before he died. But I don't think that has anything to do with Caspian Oil Interests, so I don't get the point of your question."

We will closely follow this production and give updates as they become available.