Hi, I'm Mike Novick, former Chief of Staff to two U.S. Presidents. Quit peeking at my suspenders and listen up! I come to you today with an exciting offer- for a limited time you can join in the celebration of Jack Bauer and his manpurse, The Jack Sack. As our nation gathers around for this epic moment, you can take part by purchasing these unique collectibles.
For $19.99, plus shipping and handling, you will receive the entire series of DAMMIT HALF-DOLLAR coins. And if you act now, we will throw in a free hacksaw, just like the one Jack Bauer used to cut the head off a pedophile while being held in custody. Take that, Montel Williams!
To be honest, these coins are completely worthless. They wouldn't even be accepted as currency in Albania. Trust me when I tell you, we are stealing the real money you have and converting it into the fake money we made at our plant in Sangala. But what does it matter? This nation loves Jack Bauer. He is the one we have been waiting for. Jack Bauer will stop any terrorist. Jack Bauer may even pay off your mortgage, who knows?! Therefore, it is especially prudent in these tough economic times to give up the little money you have to show your support. These coins are loose change we can believe in.