Friday, August 24, 2007

More Terrorist Monkey Possibilities for 24!

A couple of weeks ago, I ran a story about how a monkey was smuggled underneath a man's hat onto a flight from Peru.

This week, we get more monkey mayhem: monkeys in Kenya are apparently sexually harassing human women. No word on whether these "construction worker" monkeys are in a local union, but it is true that many of them hail from the great state of New Jersey! Here's the mon(k)ey quote:

"The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us," said Mrs Njeri.

Sexually harassing monkeys? What, are they going to keep asking the women out to dinner? Are they going to suggest the local ladies wear something "tight"? I don't know why, but impolite simians crack me up (maybe it's because I'm probably one of them). Okay, go back to your Friday!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Janeane Garofalo to star on next season's "24"

Confused? Me too!

I could have tried to write some witty title about the outspoken Garofalo screaming at Jack Bauer, etc. but I think I'll let that image play out in your heads. So, a female president and now one of Hollywood's most anti-war "celebrities" have joined the cast of a show that has not yet been written according to some press reports. Just throw in there Mr. T and Amy's crush, Dirk Benedict, and you'll have "The NEW A-Team."

Thursday, August 16, 2007

CTU Denver is not the only show in trouble!

Ladies and Gents, "24" is stalled on the runway.

Day 7 was supposed to start filming last month. Then someone at Fox said "Wait a minute, this idea costs too much!" So, the production was halted to re-write the new season's premise and introductory episodes. Now, more delays are hitting "24." In an effort to get more scripts finished before filming starts, production will not commence until September. Nervous? I am!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hello Bower Bag-Fans!

Hello and a glorious day from your friends in Uzbekistan!

We send warm regrets on the loss of your Emperor Merv Griffin. We love Wheel of Death, good show, many times we play it with captured rebels.

And I know, it has been many months since last transmission. Apologies- we lost our shortwave equipment to lustful rebels posing as Tajik women. We were betrayed! It is lonely in the mountains. After slitting their gender-confusing throats, we finally reclaimed transmission equipment and are prepared for new contacts. Okay, now for small talk introduction:

Summer is fierce, yes? Your ex-second-President Alfonse Gore swears it is icy caps melting! I believe Gore, he is a prophet without goat farm. He is welcome to lead this Hellish land, if he likes. Damn you Florida State!

Yes, weather is hot, but we are strong in Uzbekistan. We have long war with rebels, and we desire to continue killing them until they stop insisting on clean water and vaccinations in villages. Summer heat? Nothing a nice cup of Yak juice won't help cool down.

Anyways, while sliding around the internets, looking for anniversary gifts for my wives, I find that American clothier GAP has unleashed a new line of earth-toned fashions. I was excited by this-- in Uzbekistan we need wrinkle-free khakis to kill effectively. I clicked the rodent device and found something that made my blood boil like a Yeti stew: GAP makes a Jack Sack! How can this be? Jack Bower is not a GAP man, is he? I used magical forces to capture the essence of this interloping sack for presentation in this transmission. Look below:
As you notice, it wishes to be Jack Sack! This is another betrayal of gender-confusion! We lust for the bag but upon closer view, we see it has no ballies! We will send special elite troops to GAP for revenge on them. Worry no more, Bag-Fans! My cousin Yuri wants to eat their kidneys. Thank us later!

Okay, rebels are throwing volleys of gasoline-bombs at us. We must be getting to morning blood-bath. Enjoy the rest of the summer! We will contact again!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Oh no, not ANOTHER blog!

Guys, pleas don't kill me, but I'm starting another blog.

Unlike Jack Bauer, I like to eat... a lot, in fact. So, the new blog, Adam's Rib will hopefully become a free-for-all where contributors and readers alike dive deep into their love of food-- be it their favorite local restaurant or grandma's homemade apple pie.

This will NOT affect The Jack Sack in any way. If anything, this will get me writing on a more regular basis, and that will overflow into this blog as well (put down your knife, Amy).

So, stay tuned for more posts.

Will 24's next president clip coupons too?

In case you didn't know, 24's next season will welcome a new, female U.S. president, played by Cherry Jones. We here at The Jack Sack support this move because 1) Cherry Jones is a great actress and 2) Wayne is off to build the Palmer Presidential Library (I hear David is getting 90% of the floorspace).

But today, I came across a fantastic article about Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel. It appears that Chancellor Merkel shops for her own groceries. This puts New York City's Mayor Mike Bloomberg on notice, as he brags about taking an S.U.V. convoy to a Subway terminal 4 stops from City Hall everyday. Chancellor Merkel is the real deal-- she carries money and she picks out her own fruits and vegetables. Mayor Mike is a f@%#ing billionaire. Quit faking it, Bloomy.

So, let that be a lesson to 24's new president-- we like leaders who mix with the people, wait in line and have a shopper's card for their local supermarket.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

New profile for terrorists?

Apparently a man tried to smuggle his pet monkey onboard a plane by hiding the diminutive simian under his hat. The jig was up when the marmoset emerged out from under tha man's hat during the flight.

Money quote: "Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him," said an eyewitness.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I Will Paint For Food

So, between the traveling and writing, I managed to squeeze in some painting this past month as well. Here's the situation: a girl in my office has a 6 year-old son who loves Star Wars. She commissioned me to paint a couple of chairs and a table for his birthday present. While I do enjoy drawing a lot, I have never worked with paint before this project. It was a little nerve-wracking at first, but all those hours of watching Bob Ross as a kid must have paid off for me. Take a look:

(Above: this is a tabletop, the legs weren't attached yet.)

Interested in your own private commission? (Ewok end tables really tie the room together!) Email me at

Friday, August 03, 2007

Look Who Needs a "Bodyguard"! Is This a 24 S.7 Plot?

All-around louse and washed-up good-for-nothing Bobby Brown believes that he is the target of Osama bin Laden and al Qaida. Let me repeat: Bobby Brown believes that Osama bin Laden knows who he is, and for reasons beyond probably having to do with the disastrous Ghostbusters II, wants to kill the former member of New Edition.

Okay, if this is even remotely true, then I think here's what happened: I picture a bunch of terrorists sitting in a cave somewhere near Jalalabad, with only propaganda training videos for entertainment. Then comes Cousin Naseem, with a box of fresh VHS tapes of American television (infidels!) translated into Arabic with all propagandist vocabulary included (ex: imagine an episode of "Law & Order" where the D.A. says to the judge "Your Honor, we eat babies and drink the blood of our enemies because the U.S. Constitution says it is Holy!"). So, back to my fantasy image: Naseem breaks out the tapes and in walks bin Laden, thrilled at the prospect of finally seeing this "Everybody Loves Raymond" show he's heard so much about when it becomes immediately clear that what they have is tape after tape after tape of Bravo's reality series "Being Bobby Brown." After three episodes, bin Laden declares a jihad on Bobby Brown.

If al Qaida has decided to get into the business of offing has-beens, then I have a list. And it is long. And Jack Bauer is probably willing to help.