Monday, April 30, 2007

Live-Bloggin' Like a Toboggan!

I'm liveblogging tonight's episode of "24" over at the hive of scum and villainy called Blogs4Bauer. Check it out. Zombie Almeida may come back in tonight's episode. Don't you dare miss it!

POST 24-UPDATE: Almeida is till "dead." Stay tuned for any changes in his status...

CTU Inter-Office Memo from Dolores in HR.

TO: Division Headquarters, CTU
FROM: Dolores Katz, Human Resources- CTU Los Angeles

I don't know where to begin.

I was hired five months ago to administer all Human Resources functions for the Los Angeles office of CTU. I have had experience in handling the most complex HR issues in my previous positions at Fortune 500 companies over the past ten years. I think I know my stuff. But this past day, you bastards have really gone the distance in sending me into a state of total confusion.

Let's start with this Audrey Raines person. I checked the records and she's supposed to be dead. Now, I see she's not. Okay, sometimes paperwork gets screwy and I can do the retro-active pay reinstatement for her going forward, but I got vacation day issues I have to sort through (apparently her time in China has exceeded her allotted days for this year and last by a total of 402 days) and now she's mumbling to me about her health benefits coverage, calling me "Jack" over and over again. Look, I can't have her HMO just swap out her cancelled policy. The woman was DEAD!

Next, I see Bill Buchanan is no longer on the payroll effective twenty minutes ago. Normally I'd process that paperwork right away but in looking at his file I see the same thing happened to him 2 years ago. After being suspended, he was later reinstated four hours later. Look, I know things get busy with operations, etc. but I am not going to go through all this paperwork (cutting a severance check, closing out his 401(k) account, filling out the COBRA forms, etc.) unless I know for a fact that Buchanan is finished. See, I'm catching onto you guys, so don't expect to see that file get processed until next month, ya dig?

And finally, what the hell am I supposed to do with Jack Bauer??? Two years ago, he was presumed dead (another dead person!) and then he came back onto the payroll. Just as quickly he disappears to China. He blew through all his sick days and vacation time while there, just like Audrey Raines. And then he comes back today, only to later go "rogue." Am I supposed to dock him for the hours he's gone "rogue?" Also, I made the mistake of going through his whole file, and you wouldn't believe what I found- the man hasn't been paid in years! I fried my MS Excel program just calculating his back pay. This is quite simply the biggest HR file nightmare I have ever seen in all my years in the profession.

I need support from you guys, and I need it pronto. I saw Morris O'Brian drinking whisky out by the dumpster earlier today, and you know what, I think I'm going to join him.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Brighton Beach Memoirs: The Godzilla Edition

In honor of the writers of "24" going all screwy on us this week, I am choosing to do my own bit of "shark-jumping" with this post. If Surnow and Co. can ignore logic and reasoning, well I sure can too. Enjoy!

Last Friday, I took in a baseball contest at Shea Stadium with my friend Rickey Henderson. While killing beers in the parking lot, I told Rickey about a silly idea I've had rattling around my brain for nearly ten years now: to do a stage production of Neil Simon's "Brighton Beach Memoirs" starring Godzilla as Eugene Jerome. As Wikipedia tells us: "Set in Brooklyn, New York's Brighton Beach in 1937... Eugene Morris Jerome is a Russian-Jewish teenager who experiences puberty, sexual awakening, and a search for identity as he tries to deal with his family, including his older brother Stanley, whom he idolizes." That story is all well and good, but it lacks an edge. What it needs is Godzilla. Are you with me?

I know, at first glance, it's an idiotic idea. But the play is about an awkward Jewish teenager trying to figure out his world, amid feelings of confusion and shame. What could be more confusing and shameful then being a fire-breathing mutant lizard with a really big tail? You see, Godzilla is inside all of us- at one point or another, we've all felt alone, out of place and extremely dangerous to Japanese people. Also, I'm sure Godzilla is Jewish, as 1) he never stomps Tokyo on Shabbos, 2) he doesn't eat pork or shellfish, 3) he doesn't pay retail, 4) he doesn't date Catholic girls (even though he really wants to) and 5) he feels his mother's guilt constantly.

And here's a snippet of the (updated) script:

Eugene's brother: I got fired today.
Eugene's brother: No, Eugene, you don't get fired temporarily, it's a permanent thing.

Yeah, so I'm currently raising money for this project. If any of you are excited by putting Godzilla where he truly belongs, do me a favor and order 500 Jack Sacks off the product link. And if you can't do that, drop me a comment below showing your emotional support. But money is really a lot better. Thank you!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Inside The Writers' Room of "24"

The following is a re-enactment of the writers' meeting that took place when they came up with tonight's RIDICULOUS episode of "24":

Joel Surnow: Okay, guys Jack Bauer has to give these Chinese dudes some sort of a chip. Otherwise, they kill Audrey.

Michael Loceff: Joel, what if he just brought a fake chip with him?

Jon Cassar: Don't address Mr. Surnow directly, you got that, Loceff?!

Loceff: Sorry... but like I was saying, why not use a dummy chip?

Cassar: Because the Chinese will KNOW it is a fake. They're CHINESE man! They know things like this. I don't know these things. You sure don't know these things, but THEY do! They have mysterious powers that we cannot possibly understand. Haven't you seen "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"?

Surnow: (almost trance-like) I met a Chinese person on a city bus in San Francisco ten years ago. A butterfly landed on the Chinaman's finger like he knew the guy. I'm still haunted by that day.

Cassar: It's okay, Joel. (pats him on the shoulder) It's over now.

Loceff: Manny, you've been awfully quiet. What do you think this episode needs?

Manny Coto: We need more dinosaurs!

Silence engulfs the room.

Surnow: Um, Manny, I thought we talked about this last week-- we can't put dinosaurs on the show. Nobody will believe it. We need to keep the show grounded in reality, otherwise the viewers will lose interest.

Cassar: People, Mr. Surnow and I are very clear here- we need a show that has an airtight plot, no holes or silly decision-making by our characters. Get it?

Loceff (giving up): Fine, let's do this then: Jack should carelessly bring the real chip with him to his meeting with the Chinese, the very chip that will cause World War Three. And when Jack finally meets up with Cheng, Jack should hand the chip right over. Does that make sense to you guys?

Surnow: Yes! and there will be hummers and choppers and bazookas and stuff too?

Loceff: Why the heck not, Mr. Surnow.

Coto mumbles something.

Cassar: What is it, Manny?

Coto: All I'm saying is that we could have a velociraptor come in and shake things up a bit.

Surnow: Dammit, Manny!

Loceff: Oh, and what's better, let's make Audrey totally nuts.

Cassar: See, now you're getting it, Mike. Okay, so what's wrong with Audrey?

Loceff: She thinks she's covered with spiders. And she calls everybody "Jack." Basically, she's turned into Charles Manson.

Surnow: This is excellent stuff. Get cracking, Mike. We'll come back and meet tomorrow to look over the draft. Manny, come back with me-- I bought you a new LEGO set. And don't forget your sippy-cup, okay?

Manny picks up the sippy-cup and marches out of the meeting, grumbling.

Cassar: Mike, remember-- we gotta make the characters do believable things! If you get stuck, that's why we have all this scotch and vodka in the room. How else do you think Joel and I came up with the cougar hunting Kim back in Season 2? Oh, and make sure the Chinese bring a bazooka to the gunfight, ya got it? Joel loves bazookas.

Loceff: (sighs) Copy that.

Cassar leaves and Loceff gets stupid drunk and starts typing. And that, boys and girls, is how tonight's episode came to being!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Is The Nadia Smile-Watch Over?

While we here at The Jack Sack spent the past several days drenched in scotch and french onion dip, celebrating the triumphant return of The World's Deadliest Manpurse, it seems we almost missed another long-awaited moment. From the start of Day 6, fans across the world have sat in vigil hoping to see the lovely Nadia Yassir crack her first smile. Personally, I thought all hope was lost when she endured that terrible torture a couple of weeks back (no, not the interrogation, but having to make-out with Milo Pressman in some dark corner of CTU). But 17 hours later, we MAY have our first Nadia smile. The picture above depicts the alleged smile (you will have to ignore Morris O'Brian digging for gold in his right ear). It's hard to tell for certain if that constitutes a smile on Nadia's face. So, I leave you all to be the judge-- do we have a confirmed smile?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

DID THE JACK SACK HAVE COSMETIC SURGERY? Here's an exclusive interview!

Reports are flying into our offices stating that The Jack Sack does NOT look like our trusty canvas friend from last season. And after we saw the above photo, we grew concerned that we might have an interloper, a mole or some deviant drunk manpurse running around with Jack on missions of a critical nature. Well, worry not, ladies and gents- we went straight to the source and asked what the deal is with the new look:

Q: Hi, Jack Sack, I have to say we're all very pleased to have you back on the show.

A: Why thank you! I have had a lot of people come up to me on the street and say the same thing, but it doesn't get old, let me tell you.

Q: I hope I'm not offending you here, but I have to ask right at the start- what's with the new look?

A: Ah, not a problem asking-- the people have a right to know. It began less than two years ago. Jack and I were both kidnapped and taken on a slowboat to China. Dare I say, I felt the end had finally come. The Chinese went to work on 'ol Jack right away. And me? Well, while canvas material is sturdy, it still frays. My captors started with my shoulder strap, twisting it around and around until I saw stars. But I wasn't going to give them any information. Then... then, they started to soil me with unmentionable fluids. I know children may be reading this, and I dare not say anything further about that episode. But the Chinese were relentless- they used knives, boots, a drunk rooster-- anything they could produce that would terrify or cause me pain. At the end of those two years, I was not the same sack any longer.

Q: Wow, that's compelling stuff, Jack Sack. Do you want to take a moment to collect yourself?

A: No! (sigh) I am fine, let's continue-- please.

Q: So, after being tortured and mutilated, what happened next?

A: Things happened quickly. I was thrown in a garbage bag and taken to what I later found out was a local dump. The Chinese simply tossed me in with the trash. I could barely speak, I was left for dead out on the pile. And that's when Audrey Raines came and found me. Audrey recognized me immediately. She tended to my wounds, temporarily stitching me up so that I could at least start to heal. Audrey asked about Jack, I told her everything I knew and she and I retired to her hotel for much needed rest. Audrey is a magnificent woman.

Q: You know, a lot of fans of "24" actually hate Audrey, and they're really annoyed that she's back this season, what do you--

A: Audrey is a flower! She is in full bloom, and I will always adore the woman. I may be some worn-out canvas bag, but Audrey understands me. What we shared in China, even for one recklessly passionate night, will be with me for all of my days.

Q: Are you saying that you and Audrey hooked up in China?

A: Next question, please.

Q: Well, back to the beginning question really, how did this new look come to be?

A: After I was healthy enough to travel again, Audrey shipped me to a friend's place in New York City. Her friend, Armand, was a hot new designer that just came onto the fashion scene. I lived in a doorman's building in Chelsea with Armand for five months while he personally performed a miracle reconstruction on me-- new straps, new pockets, and a lot of Midori Sours. Armand, you're a prince!

Q: So, what does your new look mean to you?

A: It's about having a second chance. Life comes so quickly at times, you end up making mistakes that you look back at later with regret. My new look is a symbol of a new opportunity to do the things I've always wanted to, but never had the chance to pursue in the past. Jack is my number one priority, however. And of course, there's Audrey. I know I'll never be with Audrey, but I have to help save her regardless. If it weren't for her, I would be covered with banana peels and bootleg versions of "Basic Instinct 2" in some Beijing city dump. No, I've come back to help Jack exact certain revenge.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

THE JACK SACK TRIBUTE: Other Great Comebacks

In honor of its triumphant return to our lives, we choose to recall other brilliant comebacks that evoke the joy and wonderment that The Jack Sack provided some of us last night. Like they say, it's always darkest just before you turn on the lights.

5. Elvis Presley: The '68 Comeback Special. After years of decline, Elvis was fading from the forefront of our minds. What used to be the coolest cat in the junkyard of Rock 'n Roll became a bloated has-been with his best years well behind him. The Beatles and Rolling Stones were the new face of music, and Elvis was for the older crowd-- for the people that supported Vietnam and hated the hippie movement (and the copious amount of drugs that went with that lifestyle). But you just can't keep the King down, can you? Elvis dropped weight, threw on a black leather jumpsuit and turned a Christmas TV special into a sizzlin' revue of his greatest music. Now immortalized on collector plates from the Hamilton Collection, one must not forget the true meaning behind that one night back in December, 1968. Where the nation was tearing itself apart with war, race riots and the tumult of succeeding assassinations (JFK, Martin Luther King, Jr., Robert Kennedy), Elvis' return to form was a brief respite for a weary nation. All Hail The King!

4. The Buffalo Bills v. The Houston Oilers: January 3, 1993. Down 35-3 during the beginning of the second half, the Bills were left for dead by their habitually-abused fans. Thousands ran for the parking lot, believing that the blow-out that had taken place in the first 30-plus minutes of game time was the death-kneel for this band of underachieving choke-artists. But then an angel rose from the ashes, and his name was Frank Reich. Benchwarmer, back-up QB and an all-around no-name, Reich did in one game what no other quarterback had ever managed in the history of the National Football League. He led his team back from the dead and forced an overtime victory at 42-40. I recall this game and I remember yelling all the obscenities in my arsenal at the time (I was a part-time Oilers fan thanks to my brother's adoration of Warren Moon). But in the end, the Bills got whipped in Super Bowl XXVII later that year by the loathsome Dallas Cowboys. So many mixed emotions, so little time for therapy.

3. Captain Spock: Commanding Officer and Acting First Officer of the Starship Enterprise. Some of you louses couldn't care less about Vulcan's first member of Starfleet, but there is a fringe element in our society that damn near lost their greatest hero when Captain Spock died- DIED!- saving his crew from certain death. Following an epic naval battle in the Mutara Nebula, Admiral James Kirk was faced with a no-win scenario when his nemesis, Khan Noonian Singh set off the Genesis Device in a nearby ship. Spock, understanding the situation, entered a radioactive compartment in the ship's Engineering section to manually repair the Enterprise's systems to enable an escape at warp speed. Spock, ever the trickster, also transferred his katra, his living spirit to fellow crewmember Dr. Leonard McCoy before his death. This would later result in the ridiculously rare and plot-convenient fal-tor-pan ritual being done (popping Spock's soul back into his newly-regenerated body). It took two more movies for Spock to make any damned sense, but when he came back to broker a peace with the Klingons, well- shucks, I think I've let myself go on a bit too much here. Y'all get the picture.

2. George Washington: The American Revolutionary War. After declaring our independence from the British Empire, after tossing tea leaves into the Boston Harbor and after a lot of inspirational fervor in the form of some really controversial parchment writing, the Revolutionary War was a complete disaster from the get-go. General George Washington had never commanded troops in such a complicated theater of war. His troops were subpar on the average, he didn't have enough of them to match the superior British opposition and his non-professional army also lacked shoes and gunpowder. Basically, the British had us dead-to-rights. By the winter of 1776, Washington's army was down to about 1,500 troops, down from 15,000 a year or so prior. And then Divine Providence shone down upon the soon-to-be biggest loser of all-time. General Washington bet the house on crossing the Delaware River and taking on the Hessian troops in The Battle of Trenton. He did it on the day after Christmas. That's chutzpah, kids. That's what makes you the Father of our nation. Lesson from this story: hit your enemies when they're in their pajamas eating gingerbread cookies.

1. Jesus of Nazareth: The Resurrection. Whether you believe in the story of Christ's resurrection or not, it is nothing less than pivotal with respect to human history. Before I continue, I have to have a sidebar with you all: I swing from serious to silly at the drop of the hat. Some people out there might be offended that I include Jesus with the Buffalo Bills and Mr. Spock on a list (but somehow few would argue against Elvis and Jesus being together, go figure!), but I mean no disrespect to anyone, nor do I mean to diminish one's religion (or lack thereof). I am actually quite serious about this subject, and I think there is room for variety and discussion about a great many things. Too often, we hold people down on the ground by their necks for the things that they say, stifling not only speech but thought as well. But back to the topic-- Jesus' story has shaped our world, without question. It's the greatest comeback of all-time. You don't have to be Christian to agree with that statement.

So, there you have it- another insanely random dip into the pool of my brain. This is not an absolute list, obviously. I've gone "stream of consciousness" here, and it's mostly meant to entertain and tantalize you good people. Comebacks are what we hope to see and experience ourselves. Why else do you think there are six Rocky movies out there? May you all have comebacks in your own personal lives too. Cheers!


NEW YORK MAGAZINE's Daily Intelligencer responds to last night's episode of "24" and makes mention of the World's Deadliest Manpurse, even linking to our blog. The phenomenon continues! "The Sack Pack" grows each day! Viva La Sack!

Special thanks to Ben Wasserstein of NEW YORK MAGAZINE.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Comeback Special: The Return of The Jack Sack


Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur said "I shall return" and that is what I've done tonight! After 2 years of a Chinese prison, after 17 hours of tracking down Abu Fayed and his rag-tag bunch of bumbling nuke-carting jackbirds, Jack Bauer has been reunited with me, his loyal protector and all-purpose fashionable utility bag- The Jack Sack!

This has been a very difficult day for us all, myself included. I remember watching my friend, The Black Sack, die earlier this day. And I recall seeing Jack pop in and out of CTU, walking right past me, oblivious to my very existence. I have to say, I felt dejected. And then I saw Jack talking with that floozy, Marilyn. I was about to pack myself up and move to West Virginia, when I heard the news: Audrey is dead. That settled it, I wasn't going anywhere... I decided to stand with the best friend I've ever known.

As Jack made his final push to kill the terrorists, I organized a fresh supply of C4 and ammo clips. The other sacks were rolling their straps at me-- "Where do you think you're going, fella?" they asked me. They believed the crisis was over once the nukes were secured. But I knew better. And when the call came in-- that the Chinese were back in play and Audrey was alive-- that's when I took the first chopper over to Jack's position in the field. I introduced myself to that "sackless" punk Mike Doyle and he brought me to Jack. When my canvas strap was slung over Jack's shoulder, it was like all that unpleasantness of the past 17 hours just... dissolved in a murky memory of nothingness.

And now, Jack and I have gone rogue. That means that we will stop at nothing to finish the job. Due Process, habeas corpus, the Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights- these are of no concern to us. What we seek is sweet, bloody justice. And we shall have our revenge.

Don't even think of getting in our way. Copy that?


After 17 hours of meandering about the greater Los Angeles area fighting feeble terrorists, Jack Bauer has teamed up with his loyal partner, the world's deadliest manpurse: The Jack Sack. FINALLY!!!

The Jack Sack will make a statement following tonight's episode. Stay tuned!

The Great Flood of 2007

We here at The Jack Sack love biblical weather!

My office called and said that they were closing up operations today. That means I get to stare at my home computer all day instead of the one at my office. Pathetic as that may sound, I'm pretty damn happy. So, I will be eating two of every kind of food item in my kitchen in order to save them from the rising waters. Two cupcakes, two eggs, two sandwiches...

And tonight, there will be a flood of revenge and Chinese blood on "24." All told, this looks to be a good day.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I am Jack's unleashed anger

Remember those old 8mm movies from junior high in health class-- "I am Jack's heart", "I am Jack's liver", etc.? The movies were simple, straightforward "inside" views into some poor butter-addicted, chain-smoking, alcoholic guy who had every health ailment known to the common middle-aged man. Here at The Jack Sack, we're taking an in-depth view of what Jack Bauer's feeling up until right now. His internal monologue is... disturbing. CAUTION: Keep small children and any petite-sized house pets away from what is about to follow:

"'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow subma-' woah, is that Curtis? Dude owes me ten bucks, I gotta remember to bring that up later on."

"You try going 18 months without White Castle, fella. Sorry I ate your carotid artery."

"I lost my condo, my daughter, my wife, my friends Tony, Michelle and David. And to top it off, you stole my Linkin Logs when we were kids, Graem."

"Chuck, right about now, you're as popular as Don Imus on 125th Street. And you're wearing the same clothes too. Oddly, I have no anger towards you at this moment... but that will change."

"I killed Curtis, my dad killed my brother, my sister-in-law is still hot and wants me, I'm wearing a finely tailored suit from a crooked former president, I'm bleeding internally and now, NOW THEY TELL ME AUDREY IS DEAD? (deep breath) 'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow-' DAMMMMMMIT!!!!!!!"


"My name is Jack Bauer. I am a federal agent. I am going to kill every last single one of you bastards. And then I'm going out for sliders with my girlfriend, Audrey. Copy that, a@#holes?"

Monday, April 09, 2007

A Message From The UN Secretary General to China: ARE YOU GUYS NUTS?!?!

Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations has issued this statement following last night's episode of "24."

Hello China!

Congratulations! The General Assembly has just voted you the "Most Stupid Nation In The World!"

Are you guys out of your f@%#ing minds?!?! Kidnap Mister Bauer-- shame on him, kidnap his tormented on-again-off-again girlfriend-- SHAME ON YOU! I know I'm relatively new to my post as the Secretary General, but you don't have to be an geopolitical genius to know that you have really screwed the goat.

The Geneva Conventions cannot protect you. The UN Security Council cannot help either. What you have chosen to do is declare war on the one person that the UN has recognized as a free and independent state. That's right, Bauer is legally his own country. He has no flag or legal tender, but the 192 other nations of the world have all agreed to leave Bauer alone! Why can't you guys get with the program?

I was having a tuna sandwich yesterday with the ambassador from an unnamed Balkan State. I mentioned Bauer's name in passing and he almost leapt out from his chair. And a week ago, when I was getting my shoes shined next to an ambassador from another unnamed country (from the Middle East) I asked if he was wearing an Eddie Bauer jacket, and the man started weeping and yelling "Don't hurt me, Jack! Please, no more of the towel down the throat thing!" Only after three shots of rice wine was I able to calm him down and explain that I was referring to the refreshingly simple country-style clothing company and not the ferocious beast that works for CTU.

China, you guys are something stupid, let me tell you. This isn't some bootleg of Spider-Man 3 we're talking about here. You've opened up a portal into Hell on Earth. Did you happen to notice that two years of torture was like summer camp for this man? Were you not the least bit concerned when he didn't speak a word for 18 months? Why don't you guys just take a piece of raw meat and wrap it around your heads and go headbutt a pit bull instead! I am alerting my own nation of South Korea to evacuate into North Korea-- that's how bad this is going to get. I only hope that when this is over, you fools haven't taken the rest of the world with you.


Who am I? Read Here

Amy Vernon, t.v. blogger and reporter extraordinaire for The Journal News, interviewed yours truly, Here's the interview. No topic is taboo here, not even my astrological sign!

Amy, thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about "24" and this zany little blog.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


After last night's episode, you're probably saying to yourself "Wow, that Wayne fella is some sort of raging Hulk-beast!" (or some variation of that statement, depending on your preferred choice of vernacular). Yes, Wayne Palmer went from Fredo Corleone to Scarface in the span of two minutes, but sometimes a president has to Hulk-out to get things done. Below is a selected handful of events in Presidential history that would have benefited from a similar adrenaline-shot:

President James Madison was one of our finest political minds. He co-wrote the Federalist Papers, the U.S. Constitution and he was about 4'11" tall by most accounts. But as presidents go, Madison was a wimp, getting his tail whipped during the War of 1812. If only he had a physician available to shoot him up with adrenaline when the Brits came to burn the White House, 'ol Hulking Madison would have torn the redcoats limb from limb, thus establishing this young nation's military and political might early in our history. Instead, James Madison wanted to invade Canada! No dice, Jimbo. While you're looking North to the Canucks, the British burned your house down. For shame.

Our next president severely lacking in any manliness was James Buchanan- the man who basically let the Civil War happen. If Gore Vidal were ever elected to the office, he would have behaved precisely as James Buchanan (bet you didn't think you'd ever see a Vidal reference here at The Jack Sack). Wholly unconcerned with the pending war (he referred to the threat of secession as "happily, a matter of but little practical importance") Buchanan traipsed about Washington with his poolboys while the nation tore itself apart. There is no worse president in our history, not by a long shot (Maureen Dowd, if you're reading this, don't even argue with me- and no, I will not marry you). What James Buchanan needed was what he sorely lacked- chutzpah. Our "dandiest" President would be setting out afternoon tea for Fayed and Gredenko if he was the president on "24." If you happen to see James Buchanan's picture in a book, or a museum or wherever, do me a favor and flip him the bird.

Next on our list is a president that I secretly admire- Woodrow Wilson. Wilson had vision, and he was a man with a brilliant mind (At Princeton, he helped establish Political Science as a major, paving the way for beer-drinking intellectual lightweights such as myself for choosing an easy course of study). And Wilson faced a similar set of circumstances as Wayne Palmer- he suffered a medical calamity while serving in office (Wilson suffered from a debilitating stroke). I will not make an "adrenaline shot cures strokes" joke, because 1) it's medically incorrect and 2) I kind of just did by saying I wouldn't. But let's say this magic potion that the writers on "24" call "adrenaline" was able to cure all medical ailments (at least temporarily), what would that have done for Woody? Wilson would have gone to Congress and torn the place to timbers, forcing his Treaty of Versailles through that august body. If Wilson's 14 Points played out like he had hoped, he may very well have helped preserve a peace in Europe, and at the very least kept Adolf Hitler off the international stage. That's not to say that we never would have had a World War II eventually, but we hate Hitler here at The Jack Sack and that's where we keep our focus.

Alas, there was no Hulk-Wilson, Hulk-Buchanan or Hulk-Madison. Here are three presidents that got schooled by their times- and their lack of adrenaline cost us dearly. Wayne Palmer may not be doing the "right thing" from our perspective now, but in looking at past presidents, the alternatives have resulted in a burned down White House, the Civil War and World War II.

Wayne, launch that damn nuke.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Play Ball!!!

First, let me apologize for the unscheduled hiatus I took here at The Jack Sack. It was an abnormally busy week and the free hours needed to write articles disappeared faster than you can say "COPY THAT!" The dust from last week has settled and everything is back in order, so if there are any of you left out there, thanks for your patience.

In other news, today is the first full-fledged day of the new baseball season! In honor of (the not-quite-dead) Tony Almeida, I present you with an image of "Cubby," the Chicago Cubs Mug that was orphaned when terrorists working for former President Logan and Graem Bauer, attacked Tony and Michelle at their suburban home. While Cubby knows that Chicago will never win the World Series, he still holds out hope that his friend Tony will come home.