Friday, February 29, 2008

What Price For Glory? A Man Versus The Baconator! [UPDATED]

Okay, so I work in marketing and advertising. I get a kick out of the environment, the people and the fact that I am almost required to wear jeans to work, etc. So, yesterday one guy got into a heated debate with another guy and out of their exchange came a challenge: Who can eat four (4) Baconator™ sandwiches from Wendy's? Oh, you're not familiar with The Baconator, you say? Well, Wikipedia tells us that The Baconator consists of two 4oz. beef patties, two slices of American cheese, six strips of bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup on a premium bun. What it doesn't tell us is that The Baconator is a gateway to coronary distress. The fact that the FDA, USDA, CIA and other relevant government agencies have not intervened to keep this thing off the market is a bit worrisome. The Baconator's complete stats are below:

Again, the challenge is to eat 4 Baconator sandwiches within 15 minutes and no water allowed. If anyone manages this feat, they get $100 (USD). And a t-shirt featuring the Baconator. The showdown happens this afternoon. I will absolutely update you on the events afterwards.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, no one came close to the final prize. Brian reached 2.5 Baconators and Tom finished 3 within the 15 minute time limit. The guy in our office who put up the money gave them each an extra five minutes and Brian caught up to a third Baconator, but he was sweating profusely... I was worried for them both. But, the sponsor was a true gentlemen, and he paid BOTH participants for their efforts regardless. That's a class move! I will post pictures and video when they become available. Literally my whole company came to see this spectacle.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Kids Try To Be Like Bauer, Fail.

Does "24" need to come with the disclaimer: "Kids, don't try this at home" ?

A college student, driving drunk, repeatedly slammed his car into another vehicle, claiming that the man was a terrorist. The kid, Edgar Sullivan, also identified himself to the police as "Jack Bowers, a FBI agent and a Secret Service agent." And Sullivan got away with the whole deal when his victim failed to appear in court. Amazing.

Who can top that, right? Well, how about an exchange student studying in Egypt who apparently doesn't know how to feed himself? We all know Bauer can't eat and fight terror at the same time. But when Jonathan McCullum was hosted by a Coptic Christian family that didn't eat for several months (a part of their ritualistic lifestyle, apparently), McCullum was too dumb to recognize that he was in the process of losing nearly 60 lbs. "The weight loss concerned me, but I wanted to stick out the whole year," he said in an interview. Such staggering stupidity!

So, please, please, please, if you're thinking of doing as Jack Bauer does, don't! You're not made of the same stuff. Don't try to stop terrorists and please, don't skip meals. Okay?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Apocalyptic Picture of the Week!

Rough day at work? Feeling kind of down? Well, we can help that with a picture of something far more terrible and horrifying that what you've got caught in your gears!

Yep, that's a nuclear detonation with a blimp in the foreground. The US Department of Energy ran some nuke tests back in 1957. The tests were run to see how airships reacted in a nuclear blast. Think about that for a sec-- our government was curious to know what happens to an aircraft in the blast zone of a nuclear explosion. What you can't see in the picture is that they military also wanted to see what would happen to a box of kittens as well... oh, never mind. Anyway, the test, codenamed "Stokes," was part of "Operation Plumbbob," a series of 29 above-ground detonations carried out at the Nevada Test Site between May and October 1957.

I, for one, and thankful for their efforts. I just put my good-for-nothing, non-nuke-proof blimp on sale this morning. Yet again, government spending has gone somewhere useful!

Monday, February 25, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Jon Stewart Is Overrated!

Greetings one and all to The Jack Sack Post-Oscar Post (ehh, too many posts in that sentence?)

Anyway, I won't bore you all with the usual comments about the winners, losers, dresses or musical numbers. Why, you ask? Because you're here at THE JACK SACK! We deal in blood, anger and sarcasm. So, with that being said, let me unleash upon you my manifesto of why Jon Stewart is overrated as a comic/entertainer/intellect.

I don't know when the heck this took place, but at some point over the past several years, women of a undefineable demographic all went collectively insane and started to think that the mediocre comic talent that is Jon Stewart was some sort of genius. And I do point out women in this rant because it is you, you lovely, fascinating and otherwise brilliant creatures that brought this scourge of Jon Stewart upon our world. He is not a complete bum, I'll grant you that, but I can honestly say that the guy is not as smart, handsome and ideal a father to your children as you probably think.

Jon Stewart squeezes a laugh out of you and you probably don't even know it. Think about it-- ever notice how he does the googley-eyes to the camera to ellicit laughter? Or how about when Stewart throws in a cutesy high-pitched voice to ressurect a joke after it bombs? And have you noticed how he resorts to self-deprecating remarks continuously throughout his routine? This is the comic equivalent of urinating on yourself so you don't get booed. Do you think Don Rickles would ever act like this? And so many of you fall for it! I'm waiting for Stewart to come out in a Hugo Chavez red shirt and declare his own nation-state in his studio one of these days. I wouldn't doubt a lot of you women would rush to be a willing subject in his court. Oh, don't roll your eyes at me-- you're thinking about it!

And that brings me to last night's Oscars. Jon Stewart was the host of the ceremony and I have to admit he really sucked more than usual in my opinion. His joke about Dennis Hopper being on drugs was stale. His joke about Jack Nicholson possibly impregnating actresses during the show was also blunt and uninspired. And his political humor was amateurish, which is really a sign of his weakness last night because that is his usual bread-and-butter material. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Stewart sucked.

See, my theory on Stewart's popularity (aside from his aforementioned mojo with the females) is that he followed in the footsteps of the most assinine personality imagineable: Craig Kilborn. Now, I appreciate this guy because he was an unapologetic frat-boy. He was a complete and total jerk and he went into realms of absurdity that were truly funny. Is Kilborn funnier than Stewart (independent of their respective writing staffs)? Probably not. But Kilborn never kissed your toes to make you laugh. No, he went up there and if he bombed, he took it like a man. Stewart, you are no man.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Jack Bauer Has Hobbies!

We may not have fresh episodes of "24" coming anytime soon, but Jack Bauer is managing to keep busy with a few pet projects. In case you missed it, here are some Bauer highlights from this week:

1. Jack Bauer Decides Fidel Castro Is Done. Why did the Bay of Pigs invasion fail? Because Jack Bauer was split genetically between his father's seed and his mother's egg at the time (Bauer was born in 1966 according to his Apostles). Ridding the world of Castro's rule has always been on Jack's list of things to do, but a few things popped up along the way (the terrorists, the dead wife, more terrorists, some nukes, some nerve gas, a treacherous President, some dead Presidents, etc). Anyway, the show's hiatus let Bauer do a little Spring cleaning down in the "Holiday Isle of the Tropics." Details are sketchy, but we all know the results-- Castro has been retired. ¡Viva Jack Bauer!

2. Jack Bauer Destroys Mysterious Spy Satellite Carrying The Plague Of The Apocalypse. In case you're still hiding under your desk, we've got good news to report-- Jack Bauer has destroyed the spy satellite that was set to crash into your home in a few days. Bauer heard of the U.S. Navy's plan to send a computer-guided rocket to take out the errant satellite and insisted on doing his part. He personally guided the missile to its intended target in outer space. The Defense Department released an official photo of the mission. Thanks to Jack Bauer, we have been spared exposure to the so-called "toxic fuel" that was set to rain on us all.

3. Jack Bauer Is Annoyed By The Moon. So, while on his way into orbit to destroy the satellite, Bauer realized he forgot his signature aviator sunglasses. DAMMIT! Annoyed by the bitchin' glare he was catching off of the Moon, Jack decided to move the damned thing... behind the Earth.. out of the sunlight. If you doubt me, check your timelines. The "eclipse" happened at 10:30PM EST. The satellite was destroyed when? Shortly after 10:30PM EST. Don't worry, he put the Moon back where he found it after he was done. After all, the man does like to surf.

Unfotunately, he still has no control over Kim. Stay tuned for more updates on Jack Bauer's new hobbies.

h/t to Haley for instrumental involvement in this article.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Uzbekistan LOVES America! Still!

Greetings America!

We are your friends, we hope you never forget this. We are fierce warriors too! As boys, we are led to large open spaces where we match strength with Yeti cubs. It is, how you say, elementary school game in Uzbekistan! Then yesterday we receive short-wave transmission that Agent Jack Bower will not be back to defend your country until January, 2009! This is serious problem! If you need help, send the word. We have free time now! Rebels are less of problem this year-- we took away their rocks and gasoline. Now, they hide in trees and are being eaten by our native blood monkeys. Oh, what a glorious sight!

We also worry that King Bush is going to be overthrown! How can this be possible? Bush is a cunning war-monger. Very intelligent. One of my wives show me our latest Time magazine confirming this! It is dated October, 2001. Now a woman, and old man and some skinny guy named "CHANGE" want to make new nest of love in your Whitest House! I think Bush will defeat them. He drives large truck with no seatbelt. He defies even your smallest laws!

The other day, my cousin Hamza shows me booty-copy of news footage showing monster attacking your Newest York City. I am confused by this. I thought America defeated Rosanne Barr years ago! I offer you twenty strong men no older than 9 years old to help you defeat this beast. Consider them a gift. But if any of them survive your Cloverfeeldy, send them back to us so that they can finish their quality education here in Uzbekistan. We have our own "Leave No Child Behind" education law too!

If rebels reconstitute, we also ask for your help. Maybe you give us some shoes or something? We love America! Call us!

Monday, February 18, 2008

"24" Season 7 News Roundup [UPDATED]

Editor's Note: Current 24 News and Reviews can be found here.

I know we are 11 months away from the broadcast of Season 7 of "24" but now is as good a time as any to present all of the information available about the show (BEWARE SPOILERS):

1) C.T.U. is gone. Season 7 takes place several months after the end of Day 6, and it is at this point that we learn the Counter Terrorism Unit no longer exists. Clearly, we've seen the seeds of this over the course of Days 5 and 6, but now they finally pulled the federal plug on this agency. How did this happen? Those specifics are not clear, but I would imagine both the President and Congress mutually agreed to disband C.T.U. once and for all. Congress holds the purse-strings and the President has executive authority over the agency. This leads to point 2...

2) Jack Bauer is the face of the disgraced C.T.U. As Day 7 starts, Jack Bauer testifies to his activities before a Senate Committee (namely torture). Imagine turning on CNN and seeing Bauer talk about his methods of extracting information from a terrorist. It is likely that Bauer is a national sensation (both reviled and revered). Now, at the start of Season 7, the word is that Bauer no longer works for the government. He is doing something in the private sector and God help us if that has anything to do with being a soup guy ("No soup for terrorists! Three months! Dammit!").

3) Madame President Allison Taylor. Okay, so most of you probably know that "24" has a female president. What you may not know is that already into her young administration, she has suffered a personal loss-- the death of the First Son, Roger Taylor. The investigation deemed Roger's death a suicide, but the First Gentleman, Henry Taylor, believes he was murdered. So, while Allison Taylor is trying to run the country, First Hubby Henry is investigating the death of their son, leading him to his son's former girlfriend Samantha. Wanna bet this has something to do with the larger plot?

4) Tony Almeida is a bad guy. Yes, yes, I've been telling you guys for YEARS that Almeida didn't die back at C.T.U. on that dark, dark day. And the trailer for the upcoming season reveals that I was right. So, what's the deal with Tony? I don't think its going to be that earth-shattering. Almeida was always a rogue in spirit, he was prone to his fits of depression and anger. So, after losing his wife to the Bluetooth gang back in Day 5, Almeida finally lost his freakin' mind once and for all. What does a guy who is, among other things a computer security genius, do with his spare time? Oh, maybe hack the nation's infrastructure network perhaps? In a plotline that closely mirrors the latest "Die Hard" movie, the start of Season 7 involves Tony hacking into the air traffic, powergrid and telecommunications networks. Listen, we all love Tony, but from what I've read, do not expect to have our buddy back. This guy is different-- insane perhaps-- and he seeks to kill people.

5) "X-Files" meets "24." No, there isn't a supernatural plotline to this show, but we are going to be swimming in F.B.I. Special Agents in the new season. Coming out of the Washington, D.C. Office, here's the roll-call: Special Agent Renee Walker (see right), Special Agent Janis Gold (Janeane Garofalo), Special Agent Larry Moss, Special Agent Sean Hillinger, and security expert Michael Latham, who is probably going to be the good guy techie fighting Almeida's hacks at every turn, with Chloe's helpful scowling. It looks like most of the F.B.I. agents distrust Jack Bauer. Big surprise. But, Special Agent Walker looks to be an interesting character. She will be critical of Bauer's methods at first, but she will weigh those moral concerns against what she sees as an overwhelming enemy. See, "24" can discuss torture and the like without sacrificing entertainment value. Just throw a redheaded federal agent (umm Scully?) in there! Oh yeah, don't be surprised if there's a mole in the F.B.I. either. I mean, this is "24."

6) Old friends and familiar faces. In addition to Tony Almeida returning, Chloe O'Brian is back. Also, we will see Bill Buchanan (yay!), Agent Aaron Pierce (whoop!) and... Morris O'Brian (blech). I'm still holding out hope for Former Secretary of Defense James Heller to make a real return (last season's appearance was all too brief). And what about The Jack Sack, eh?

And to torture you diehards a little extra, here's the previously released trailer to Season 7. I just watched it again, and I'm freakin' dying here. PLEASE BRING BACK MY SHOW! Enjoy.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Jack Bauer's Top 5 Favorite U.S. Presidents

Jack Bauer doesn't have time to read books. Instead, he gets Wikipedia articles sent to his PDA regularly by Chloe O'Brian. Mixed in with articles about concussion grenades and high-frequency pulse signals causing neurological trauma, Jack likes to refresh his recollection of American history by reading articles on former U.S. presidents. And in honor of President's Day, we offer you Jack Bauer's top 5 All-Time U.S. Presidents:

5. James Monroe (1817-1825): Consider James Monroe the guy to end the Revolutionary War for real. Towards the tail-end of his presidency, Monroe threw down the biggest idea of his time by declaring that Europe (ahem- England) had to stay the heck out of the Western Hemisphere (this being the conveniently-named "Monroe Doctrine"). With colonialism ended in the Americas, two things happened: 1) America finally got rid of the British and 2) The Old World Empires saw the beginning of their decline. Without a doubt, this was the most far-reaching moment in U.S. history since the Founding Fathers declared our Independence. Jack Bauer salutes President Monroe for saying "Dammit!" to the rest of the world.

4. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837): Aside from being a trigger-happy widower, President Jackson also shares something else with Jack Bauer-- he almost got killed several dozen times, most of which was through dueling. Apparently, if you bet on the ponies with "Old Hickory" and lost, he'd take you out back for a little "debt-settlement." And please, don't say anything bad about his wife. Jackson never lost a duel, but he carried around a few slugs in his body from his antics. Clearly, Jackson was our angriest president. But don't accuse the man of being completely humorless. When running for president, critics called him a "Jackass" outright. He liked the nickname and used the donkey as the icon of his campaign. And that image lives today as the symbol of the Democratic Party.

3. Harry Truman (1945-1953): Truman drank a bourbon every morning, wore Hawaiian shirts while vacationing in Florida, liked to bowl and play cards, and he would kick your ass if you said anything to hurt his daughter. Okay, so he and Jack Bauer didn't share a lot of hobbies, but they are both protective fathers, right? Well, the important thing to Bauer is that Truman signed into law the creation of the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Council. Truman basically helped pave the way for Jack's professional career. That's right, there would be no federal agent Jack Bauer without Harry Truman. 'Nuff said.

2. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909): Historian, NYC Police Commissioner, Rough Rider, big-game hunter, Governor, Vice-President and President-- this guy knew how to maximize a 24-hour period! T.R. was strong, smart and stubborn. "Speak softly and carry a big stick" was his motto, and that is something Bauer lives by, literally. And the guy boxed for fun. While he was President, T.R. liked punching things, and he didn't mind taking a few shots himself. And it is also alleged that Roosevelt could communicate with animals, particularly bears (see photo). Crazy bastard. Oh, and he also was the one to put Abraham Lincoln on the penny. Speaking of...

1. Abraham Lincoln (1861–1865): We'd all be watching "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns on every single channel if it weren't for Honest Abe. And you have to love the idea of a 6 foot 4 inches-tall guy wearing a top-hat. Yikes. But seriously, the guy understood Liberty's value (that's right, with a capital "L") more than any other person in the White House. And he also saw that a divided America would be our undoing. Sure, he's everybody's favorite president (North of the Mason-Dixon, at least) but Jack Bauer is no fool! What, you thought he'd pick David Palmer as his favorite president? Dude, it's just a t.v. show...

Happy President's Day!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

123 Book Meme

Ah, yes. Blogging is fast-becoming a playground atmosphere. And if you ever played "tag" as a kid, then you know that once you're "it" you have to take action. Mr. Furious snared me into his latest meme scheme that goes as follows:


1. Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I'm gonna do the first four steps now and save the fifth for a moment of my choosing (I play tag the way a Russian spies on America)!

The book is Richard Russo's "Bridge of Sighs"-- a gift from Rickey Henderson. And here's the text:

"When my mother and I passed Newberry's, she'd wrinkle her nose and say, "Lord, that smell." Little did she know how I yearned for the day I'd be old enough to go inside on my own and spend hours investigating its dark, delicious mysteries. Even then I seemed to know that all this would begin to happen in junior high."

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Jack Sack Studies Language: The C-Word!

Let's get a few things straight-- I don't use profanity here on The Jack Sack. Why? Because I think in terms of written humor, it can be a cop-out. There have been times that I've written something and thought "Man, an f-bomb would fit perfectly here." But it's at that point that I realize that I'm probably making a very mediocre joke. So, I'll delete the whole thing sentence and start over.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm a prude or a wholesome guy. I think using curse-words in conversation is a lot more fun and funny. Especially when they show up unexpected. On network television. On a morning show. Oh yes.

Jane Fonda dropped the "c-word" yesterday on NBC's brain-sucking "Today Show," watch and enjoy (obviously don't watch if you're offended by the word):

Am I the only one that finds the apology at the end of the clip funnier than the actual curse-word? Host Meredith Vieira says "In our last half hour, we were talking about 'The Vagina Monologues' and Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don't say on television." Now, I'm sorry but that quote kills me on several levels. 1) Vieira says "vagina" which makes me giggle (and admit it, you giggle too). 2) I picture someone just tuning in 30 minutes later and seeing this apology and going to YouTube to see what he missed, thus calling extra attention to the incident. 3) Vieira apologizes on behalf of Jane Fonda? Now that is funny.

Now, if you really want to know the origins and meanings of the "c-word," hop a click right here and enjoy a Wikipedia article on the subject.

UPDATE: A year ago, I did post an entry with a decent amount of profanity, it was called "The Bauer Situation" and it featured a salty-tongued Pulp Fiction character. You can't spoof Tarantino without cursing. Sorry, if I was a hypocrite earlier.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Joel Surnow leaves "24"

Co-creator and Executive Producer Joel Surnow is no longer working on "24" according to the Hollywood Reporter. Longtime showrunner Howard Gordon will remain.

All I can say is thank you to Joel Surnow. You've introduced hacksaws, bleeping clocks and manpurses into my life. Good job, man.

January 2009

In January, 2009 we will get fresh episodes of "24" according to our friends at Remote Access.

That's 11 months from now, folks. That's a whole new tax year. That's going to be AFTER the presidential election. Aside from having a new president sworn in, what other crazy things can we expect to see in that span of time?


1. Bill Belichick will be banned from coaching football when he is found to be guilty of videotaping his Super Bowl opponents over the course of the Patriots "dynasty" run.

2. Bill O'Reilly will be found in a lascivious videotape starring him, a goat and Dick Morris.

3. Bill Clinton will finally divorce Hillary (or the other way around)! (Okay, no more Bill references-- I promise).

4. Someone, somewhere, for some odd reason, will attempt to clone Bob Newhart. It will work. And we will all suffer God's wrath as a result.

5. The mystery of the missing honey bees will be solved-- Oprah Winfrey stole them all for her own sinister purposes (read "mind control" here).

6. Oil companies will buy banks troubled by the mortgage crises, and there will be nifty cross-promotions offered where you can direct-deposit your paychecks to your local gas station. A major player will be the newly formed "Exxon Trust." Cynics such as myself will laugh and cry simultaneously.

7. Andy Kaufman will come back. I will tell everyone "I told ya so" for about a month straight.

8. Betty White will curse on camera. Someone who is new to this sort of thing will laugh hysterically.

9. Oscar prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis will win Best Actor, or else... (fill in the name of his current movie here for the rest of the sentence!).

10. Global-freezing will become a problem. You think I'm kidding? You'll see!


1. I will boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics because the Chinese Government tortured our friend and savior, Jack Bauer.

2. I will briefly reconsider my boycott when considering the fact that the Chinese also messed with Audrey Raines, who seriously had it coming.

3. I will finally track down a butcher who will provide me with the elusive tri-tip cut of beef, which I have been quietly craving for several years.

4. I will incorporate insoluble and soluble fiber into my diet. My colon will cheer in the way only a colon can make noise!

5. I will make something levitate by using my mind. No one will see this but me. I will be forever tormented by this transcendental moment. An overdose of fiber will be blamed on my hallucination.

6. I will do the dance of death with a sea crab while at the beach. My flip-flop will be the harbinger of death for the innocent, yet disgusting crustacean. My Rabbi will tell me I did not sin as long as I didn't eat the crab after the fact.

7. I will perfect my impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. I will call in on a sports radio talk show and explain that I (McConaughey) couldn't play professional sports because my arms are too short.

8. I will deliver a baby of some sort.

9. I will still know how to ride a bike (in theory)!

10. My months of going cold-turkey without Bauer will push me over the edge and I will start buying terrible DVDs, mostly starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. Upon my seventeenth viewing of "Boat Trip" I will question the existence of goodness in the Universe. No amount of fried chicken, strippers and single-malt whiskey will shake me free of my malaise. But then...

"24" returns in January, 2009. And all the pain will be washed away. Until then, stay tuned.

Monday, February 04, 2008

David, meet Goliath!

And knock Goliath on his ass! I am sitting here watching endless reruns of highlights from Super Bowl XLII. The N.Y. Giants are the champions. And I am 13 years-old again.

Thank you, G-men.

Oh, and thanks to Archie Manning too (father of MVP Eli Manning)!