That's right, people- I'm finishing what so many excellent readers of this site started and maintained- the final three hours of Day One will be reviewed. And we will have blood!
Previously in Day One:
People are trying to kill Senator David Palmer on the day of the California Primary. Jack Bauer is a force of nature employed by the CIA's fast-food version of itself: CTU. CTU moves to stop the assassination attempt by any means semi-reasonable to a federal agency, so naturally lots of collateral damage piles up. Jack has a wife named Teri, who goes all Carrie Fisher at some point and loses her mind. Their daughter, Kim, likes bad boys and her survival instincts are so poor that you would expect she should have flushed her own head down a toilet by now.
Jack is now a prisoner of Victor Drazen (Drazen is still a prisoner of the worst Slavic accent ever attempted on film). Drazen is about to pop Jack's pierogie before our hero plays his last card- I know where your dead son is, and no, he's not dead, Vic. Jack lives.
And here we go...
It's 9 O'Clock, do you know where your children are? In the back of an SUV filled with dudes wearing ski masks? Ah, your child must be Kim Bauer!
Just when you thought getting kicked in the face was kind of boring, the writers thought one more kick was worth a try. Kim, who has been the Nordberg of this season, was quietly being transported back to CTU from prison (for a crime she didn't commit!) when an SUV smashes into the cop car and Kim gets kidnapped... a-fucking-gain! The director of this episode feels it's necessary to show Kim whine and kick via two concurrent camera angles. Is this supposed to help? Show me the angle where you cover her mouth with duct tape... ah, there ya go!
Back at the Hotel California, Senator Palmer makes three vague references to the fact that he's an African American running for President "They said the country wasn't ready, they said it couldn't be done, have you noticed how everyone else that's been president is white?!" (needle flies off the record). The political fiction for "24" has always been suspect, but this speech that Palmer gives is so grating that I almost long for Victor Drazen to talk about Count Chocula cereal for an hour.
Speaking of, the Drazens are in the back of a van watching Jack play "Mary Had A Little Lamb" on a cell phone that's probably from 1996. The Drazens say "Do it again!" Jack accidentally dials CTU and Nina answers. Nina, the glorious, loyal friend to Jack sure rubs the back of her neck a lot. She must be tense. It's from caring too damned much.
Jack asks Nina to connect the Vampire Van to Drazen's son Alexei, who is recovering from being stabbed by a 90 lb. girl he done-did-wronged. (I just forgot how ridiculous these recaps can get- I mean how much information can a person possible cover in one sentence?) Victor makes it clear that he wants Alexei back in the family, his diminished blood supply and all. The deal: Drazen will give the Americans their beloved Jack Bauer in exchange for Alexei "The Human Sieve" Drazen. George Mason says he'll ask his parents if that's cool.
In the time Mason takes to call Chappelle to ask if they can make this blockbuster Fantasy Spyball trade, Mrs. Palmer is on the floor of the hotel ballroom arranging for her husband's side-action with the speech writer responsible for this drivel David's spewing. That's right, Mrs. Palmer wants David to sex up a staffer. "24" is family entertainment!
Back at CTU, Chappelle must have clicked "Reject Trade" in record time, as George is efficiently explaining to Nina that Jack is going to die with the California Drazens. Nina, the amateur Hallmark card writer that she is, goes running over to Teri who's sitting in a room doing absolutely nothing to tell Mrs. Bauer "We're doing everything we can to get Jack back, by the way we're not allowed to do anything." Seriously, this is what was said. I think Teri was more shocked by the complete lack of tact and logic Nina displayed more than her learning that Jack is going to die.
The California Drazens (yeah, I'm sticking with this one) take Jack to the most happening Slavic social club in any basement you could find. The room is filled with Slavic people! And a table full of cheese and potato dumplings! And a "communications center" consisting of an old Dell laptop and a fax machine! Wait, genocidal war criminals fax stuff?
Nina smacks the bee hive a little harder by calling David Palmer and asking him to help push the government for trading Alexei for Jack. Yeah, right- a US Senator running for president is really going to be dumb enough to start giving the Department of Defense orders on a national security matter. Wait- this one IS that dumb. David offers to help, says to Nina some shit about things being in good hands. Nina hangs up giggling.
Back at Souldispatch's reception desk, an office mate comes by to tell Tony that Kim has been kidnapped again. Tony looks down like a waiter being told by the chef "we're all out of shrimp!" during Endless Shrimp night at Red Lobster. "Don't send me out there with this information!" And of course, Teri walks by and asks "Where's Kim? I just knit her a new scarf! See!" Gahhhh!!!!
Meanwhile, Jack escapes from the vile clutches of the Drazens (took the California off this time for brevity- ha!) by using the hostess at the Slavic Club as a human shield. Victor shoots the hostess in the head. Jack is shocked. Um, Jack, this guy engaged in ethnic cleansing and committed numerous crimes against humanity. Yeah, he's gonna shoot the girl instead of surrendering. Lame. The Drazen that looks like Alton Brown calls Mason and asks if the trade is on. Mason says "The trade is on." Alton Drazen says "Ok, set your oven timer for 20 minutes." Then the dead hostess' dad shows up and he acts all shocked that the genocidal animal killed her, but then he begins to understand the depths of Victor's issues when 'ol Vic shoots him. So, there goes that family. But worry not, a new family is reunited when thugs show up with Kim Bauer, whose mouth is still mercifully covered with duct tape. Jack yells "Kim!" in shock. Someone covers Jack's mouth... with a punch. Jack goes to sleep.
I'm going to skip over this speechwriter/David Palmer flirting thing because it's so painfully contrived and dumb. Just know that it's happening... like Kim Kardashian, and we can choose to ignore both.
We finally reach the point where CTU trades Alexei for Jack. But wait, Jack isn't with the California Drazens anymore- they left him handcuffed to some large pipe in the Valley. Man, if Kiefer had a nickel for every time that shit happened. But in all seriousness, Mason brings the ailing Son of Drazen to the meeting spot and gets nothing in return but a lot of sass from a very capable henchman. The guy sizes up George as an incapable boob. They take Alexei from George, along with George's last shred of dignity.
And Jack... well, just when you thought "How can Jack get out of this one?" he gets a little help from someone in the distance who shoots the handcuffs, freeing Jack from his pipe. Jack's cell phone rings "If you want to see your daughter alive, and in furtherance of this ridiculous plot, please get in the fully gassed car we have waiting for you. Feel free to take our quarters for parking meters, just make sure you don't chew all of our gum, comrade! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Call ends. Episode Ends.
Damn, it's good to be back!
Now, someone please comment on the Social Contract of My Little Pony if you want to see those next two Retro Reviews alive. DAMMIT!
Showing posts with label George Mason. Show all posts
Showing posts with label George Mason. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, November 08, 2010
24 Season 1: 6PM-7PM Outsourced Retro Review
It's your Absentee Landlord here-- Many apologies to everyone for the lateness in posting Spencer's review. I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by work- I know, boo-freakin-hoo. I am sincerely grateful for everyone's continued contributions, and Spencer- thank you, man. You've turned in another great piece- which I share with you all here:
So yeah, to be continued, dah-dah-dah.
Helloooooo, I'm Spencer. I substitute for Adam and write crappy reviews so YOU don't have too.(jk)
So, where are we now? Well, it appears that Dr. Russell Crowe has brought Tear-me Bauer to her house. Gee, it sure is a good thing that Dr. Russell Crowe doesn't like molesting people with amnesia. Meanwhile, Zee Big Russian Mon is peeking his head out from behind a tree, and...I'm sorry, but that's just funny. I know we're supposed to take it seriously, but it seems so cartoony for a villain character to be hiding behind a tree and peeking his head out menacingly. All that's missing is him saying, "Ha-ha, they've fallen right into my trap! Soon everything will fall into place and I'll be able to take over the world!"
Anyway, the two get in the house using a hidden key, and either R2D2's having some fun in the bathroom or the alarm goes off. Tear-me Bauer calls someone asking about how to stop it, and the lady asks for the password. Man, I really wish Tear-me Bauer would've said, "Lady, if I knew what the password was, first of all, I would've been able to turn it off myself, and second of all, if I knew the password, it wouldn't have gone off in the first place because this is a show! Use your brains, bitch!
While this is all happening, Nina tells Jack that the name of the most inconveniently shot man in history is Allen Morgan. Jack takes interest in this information. He and Nina are doing pretty well, though Bauer's still upset that he shot Nina, not because he likes her, but because since then she's been wearing long pants. Shakespearean tragedy for both Jack and the audience. I do have to say that these two look like Mulder and Scully when they're investigating. It's quite awesome.
Two cops come in to Tear-me Bauer's house and point guns, but she and the doctor put their hands up, so the cops are like, "Alright, you're cool.", and put their guns down. Innocent until proven guilty, I guess. Anyway, one of the cops knocks on the bathroom door and yells, "Get a life and stop thinking about C3P0!". The beeping stops. He then asks for Tear-me Bauer's ID, but doesn't need it when he's convinced that she lives here by all the photoshoped pictures in the house.
Jack spends a few minutes having a conversation with like, half the characters in the show, and when he's about to go off driving to investigate, George Mason reveals that he always wanted to be a taxi driver, so Jack gives him some pity and lets him drive.
Britney Spears is still stuck at the house with Rick, and Dan's brother is getting pissed off at the lack of breakable objects. He does finally learn that Dan's dead, and...brakes a lamp. Rick wants to call off the deal, and Mr. I Want to Break Things says, "We can't call it off with the drug dealers. We have to point guns at them and rob them!".
The Palmer family gets into one of those arguments that many people would get into if most families still ate dinner together at a table. The daughter has a two-second long seizure. Ah, the never-ending Palmer drama.
Tear-me Bauer's still trying to get her memory back, so Dr. Russell Crowe turns on a song from Britney Spears' music player. The only memory that she gets back is being in bed the night before with Jack. I have to say, I know I've been picking on him, but Dr. Russell Crowe seems ok. The writers are trying to make him look creepy, but he just seems like a guy that's trying to do what he can to help out this woman that he really cares for.
David's trying to keep the family together, but Sheri's like, "Hey, if you ain't gonna be president, I ain't gonna be some nice-ass wife! Fuck that shit!" Dr. Russell Crowe is talking with Tear-me Bauer about hotdogs and air-hockey. Some friend of Crowe's named Frank arrives to protect her just in case someone tries to kill her, but she decides that she doesn't like hospitals OR guns, so he stays outside. (And I love how this minor character's name is Frank. This won't be the last time the show practically makes fun of the name.)
David Palmer begins a pretty ass-kicking speech which foils Carl and his group's plans. The speech, which includes his concerns with Allstate's stand, will probably meet with praise from the general public. During this, Mason and Bauer arrive at their destination and find a door. Yay.
Well, the deal goes at the slaughter house, and Dan's brother and his friends manage to rip the drug dealers off....until they find that the drug dealers are cops, and they find this out by getting arrested BY the cops. Gap-tooth Larry hugs David after the senator finishes his speech, and finally a small scent of hope enters David as he starts to think that things might turn out well.
Dr. Russell Crowe shows Tear-me Bauer pictures of his ex-girlfriends, but Zee Big Russian Mon finally gets tired of hiding behind trees and shoots (sniggers) Frank, right when the poor guy needs to use the restroom. Russell Crowe only gets a bullet through the shoulder, presumably so that Zee Big Russian Mon can torture him if he has to so Tear-me Bauer will tell him where Kim is.(You know that a character's going to survive on 24 if they get shot in the shoulder.)
So, where are we now? Well, it appears that Dr. Russell Crowe has brought Tear-me Bauer to her house. Gee, it sure is a good thing that Dr. Russell Crowe doesn't like molesting people with amnesia. Meanwhile, Zee Big Russian Mon is peeking his head out from behind a tree, and...I'm sorry, but that's just funny. I know we're supposed to take it seriously, but it seems so cartoony for a villain character to be hiding behind a tree and peeking his head out menacingly. All that's missing is him saying, "Ha-ha, they've fallen right into my trap! Soon everything will fall into place and I'll be able to take over the world!"
Anyway, the two get in the house using a hidden key, and either R2D2's having some fun in the bathroom or the alarm goes off. Tear-me Bauer calls someone asking about how to stop it, and the lady asks for the password. Man, I really wish Tear-me Bauer would've said, "Lady, if I knew what the password was, first of all, I would've been able to turn it off myself, and second of all, if I knew the password, it wouldn't have gone off in the first place because this is a show! Use your brains, bitch!
While this is all happening, Nina tells Jack that the name of the most inconveniently shot man in history is Allen Morgan. Jack takes interest in this information. He and Nina are doing pretty well, though Bauer's still upset that he shot Nina, not because he likes her, but because since then she's been wearing long pants. Shakespearean tragedy for both Jack and the audience. I do have to say that these two look like Mulder and Scully when they're investigating. It's quite awesome.
Two cops come in to Tear-me Bauer's house and point guns, but she and the doctor put their hands up, so the cops are like, "Alright, you're cool.", and put their guns down. Innocent until proven guilty, I guess. Anyway, one of the cops knocks on the bathroom door and yells, "Get a life and stop thinking about C3P0!". The beeping stops. He then asks for Tear-me Bauer's ID, but doesn't need it when he's convinced that she lives here by all the photoshoped pictures in the house.
Jack spends a few minutes having a conversation with like, half the characters in the show, and when he's about to go off driving to investigate, George Mason reveals that he always wanted to be a taxi driver, so Jack gives him some pity and lets him drive.
Britney Spears is still stuck at the house with Rick, and Dan's brother is getting pissed off at the lack of breakable objects. He does finally learn that Dan's dead, and...brakes a lamp. Rick wants to call off the deal, and Mr. I Want to Break Things says, "We can't call it off with the drug dealers. We have to point guns at them and rob them!".
The Palmer family gets into one of those arguments that many people would get into if most families still ate dinner together at a table. The daughter has a two-second long seizure. Ah, the never-ending Palmer drama.
Tear-me Bauer's still trying to get her memory back, so Dr. Russell Crowe turns on a song from Britney Spears' music player. The only memory that she gets back is being in bed the night before with Jack. I have to say, I know I've been picking on him, but Dr. Russell Crowe seems ok. The writers are trying to make him look creepy, but he just seems like a guy that's trying to do what he can to help out this woman that he really cares for.
David's trying to keep the family together, but Sheri's like, "Hey, if you ain't gonna be president, I ain't gonna be some nice-ass wife! Fuck that shit!" Dr. Russell Crowe is talking with Tear-me Bauer about hotdogs and air-hockey. Some friend of Crowe's named Frank arrives to protect her just in case someone tries to kill her, but she decides that she doesn't like hospitals OR guns, so he stays outside. (And I love how this minor character's name is Frank. This won't be the last time the show practically makes fun of the name.)
David Palmer begins a pretty ass-kicking speech which foils Carl and his group's plans. The speech, which includes his concerns with Allstate's stand, will probably meet with praise from the general public. During this, Mason and Bauer arrive at their destination and find a door. Yay.
Well, the deal goes at the slaughter house, and Dan's brother and his friends manage to rip the drug dealers off....until they find that the drug dealers are cops, and they find this out by getting arrested BY the cops. Gap-tooth Larry hugs David after the senator finishes his speech, and finally a small scent of hope enters David as he starts to think that things might turn out well.
Dr. Russell Crowe shows Tear-me Bauer pictures of his ex-girlfriends, but Zee Big Russian Mon finally gets tired of hiding behind trees and shoots (sniggers) Frank, right when the poor guy needs to use the restroom. Russell Crowe only gets a bullet through the shoulder, presumably so that Zee Big Russian Mon can torture him if he has to so Tear-me Bauer will tell him where Kim is.(You know that a character's going to survive on 24 if they get shot in the shoulder.)
Zee Big Russian Mon begins to interrogate the woman, but he gets shot and killed by none other than Tony Almeida. KICKASS. The episode ends with the Palmer family preparing themselves for what lies ahead, Britney Spears going to prison(lol) and a helicopter flying by Jack and George, with Jack saying, "Someone knows we're here.". Not surprisingly, the episode ends on that note.
Of the reviews I've made, this was the most fun, no doubt with help from 9 hours of sleep, a couple of sodas, a steak, and a day off from school. Adam, I hope that your absence will come to an end soon, and if not, I would be happy to do more reviews.
Of the reviews I've made, this was the most fun, no doubt with help from 9 hours of sleep, a couple of sodas, a steak, and a day off from school. Adam, I hope that your absence will come to an end soon, and if not, I would be happy to do more reviews.
So yeah, to be continued, dah-dah-dah.
Editor's note: Thank you, Spencer- a steak dinner suits you well. I too hope to crack open a soda, grilled filet, the Season 1 set & get back to what I love- writing about the insanity of Jack's world. In the meantime- everybody, please keep 'em coming. You're keeping this blog afloat, and I am truly thankful for and entertained by your awesome work.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
24 Season 1: 5PM-6PM Outsourced Retro Review
Editor's note: BauerLuver is back and bringing the double-barreled awesome sauce that is her trademark! Thanks for putting together another great review, BL!
Outsourced Review for 5:00- 6:00 p.m.
Hello my fellow 24 lovers! We continue now with the next chapter (or in this case, hour) of our beloved show. Let's give a shout out to Adam for maintaing this wonderful site, and get ready to yell "DAMMIT" along with Jack and co. as we launch into the latest episode.
Previously on 24, we had hot sexy stabbing in the Hilton Head Hotel of Politics, Affairs, and Betrayals. Oh, and some nonsense with Teri losing her mind (we knew it was only a matter of time) and Kim running back to the kid who kidnapped her and on whom she has a crush (don't ask).
Jack decides to play the role of Alexis after a baseball loving terrorist calls him to make a deal. Nina finds Barrabonds (if that's how you spell it) in el hotel suite, and David whines about Jack "putting Elizabeth in danger." David, you're awesome, you know I love you, but it seems at some point on this show, you gotta scream at every character "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO BAUER!" Now is that time for David. Jack asks for the shirt off the nearest agents back (literally) who, without question, gives it. That's how much these people love Jack. They take their clothes off for him.
Back at Ye Olde CTU, Tony finishes off his 500th coffee in that Cubby Cup, while George yammers on about how they shouldn't tell Jack that Teri and Kim are missing. It comforts me that Tony is at least bothered by this idea, and grunts a moody "Alright" and trudges back to the salt mine.
I can't believe I'm writing these words, but back at Rick's house, Kim somehow concludes that searching Dan's old underwear drawer will help her find her mom. Ter Bear is meanwhile gets the story of her life by this creepo- doctor, who tells her that they used to skip rope in the playground together or some crap like that. I'm torn between "Eew," "This is stupid," and "Keeeeel the wiiiiiimem" in this paragraph.
Sher Bear, I Like Mike, and David gather round for a little chat about the only thing these people ever talk about, the Keith story. Mike and Sherry think the best idea is to bury the recording, but David, of course, doesn't think so. You know, I actually kinda agree with Mike and Sherry.
Jack calls George and Tony to tell them his play-Alexis idea, which they agree is a dandy idea. But Jack being a caring father and husband, wants to talk to Teri and Kim. George lies (BIG MISTAKE) and tells Jack that the girls are sleeping while Tony shoots him dodgy looks. George, I hope you don't value your life too much, because when Jack finds out about this, there ain't gonna be much of you left to bury. Just so ya know.
Jack and Nina take a little tour down Lovers Lane so they can talk more about Teri's knowledge of The Affair. Jack's pretty much like "Sorry that I didn't tell you that Teri didn't know that you and me were getting busy and sorry that she guessed it anyway." Nina's pretty much like "Sorry that I'm so much hotter than her, I didn't know it made her mad." These two are so sexay together, we all know it. Tony gets in a little shouting match with George at CTU, who wants all the latest dirt on this juicy office scandal. Tony gets pissed, and snaps back that he's not the editor of "People" magazine. I think Tony just feels bad that he doesn't get to chill with Jack and Nina in the field. Instead, he's stuck in the office with Mason, who is too busy in the dirt of "Star" to give a darn about anybody.
David and Keith have even more heart- to-heart as Keith gets prepped for attacks from the media. It's nothing we don't already know, but it's still kinda nice. "You're in good hands," David says. "That's All- I mean, my stand."
The Vampire Cult haf a leeeetle diiiiisscussion about ze wiiiiiimem. Ahhhhndre seeeeeeys that they'de beeeeter be keeeeeled soon, and zeee other duuddde seeeeeeys zat he vill go to ze Baaahuer hooooome to fhhind zem. Ghoooood ideeeeeea.
Kim finally decides that she'd be best taking a leaf out of common sense, and decides to leave Rick's house. I am so paralyzed by the greatness of this statement that I don't even care that they kiss (at least, not that much). However, my jubilation is short lived when Dan's bro Frank barges in to tell them that he's got some kind of deal going down in half an hour, and nobody leaves till it's over. I knew it was too good to be true.
Jack and Nina look smokin' hot as they cruise up an escalator in some sort of outdoor shopping mall. We are then introduced to the greatest jerk so far this season, a dude named Teddy who has a personal beef with Jack over something stupid. This guys smirks, rolls his eyes, and talks back to Jack on just the planning of this most delicate of operations. I have a strong urge to stretch my hands on that flabby neck and squeeze hard. Oh and by the way- he's back-up shooter. Yes, you heard me correctly.
Creepo-doctor has Teri getting undressed in a candle-lit room with paintings of Renaissance women lining the halls. Yes, you heard me correctly. Teri has a "gut feeling" that going to the hospital would be a bad idea, and gets all talky and weepy on this dude. Guys, this is seriously getting weird. Like, really weird.
Fortunately, we are brought back into the real world with Sherry, a woman with a real head on her shoulders, even though said head is being used for nefarious purposes. She embarks on a little secret agent mission of her own, which involves her breaking into a painting safe to get the precious recording. What will she do? As Alex in his last review said, as Lucas said, as Anakin said, "I have a bad feeling about this." Though this, unfortunately, is much worse than buzz droids.
David returns after a commercial break to check on the tape. After all, tapes need to be watered regularly and fed on a diet of milk and honey. But then, Sherry stands up like she's ready to brave a hurricane. "I destroyed it," she tells David, without flinching a tad bit (this is the part where we all go WHAT THE HELL). But get this- David responds "It breaks my heart- but I was right." Turns out, IT WASN'T THE REAL TAPE!! David needed to see how far Sherry would go. And goodness knows, he saw it. My. Gosh. What a hell of a scene!
We are transferred to more awesomeness in the plaza shopping mall, where Teddy is hassling Jack. He explains that his partner's wife hung herself after her husband (the guy Jack busted) went to jail. Jack is nice enough to try and explain himself (I would have screamed bloody murder into the phone) and even helps an old lady into a chair. Gotta love him. It gets to the point where George has to tell Teddy to take a little time out, count to ten, and be nice to everyone. I'm serious guys, I feel homicidal when I look at that guy. Someone shoot him, please.
Ooouur Seeeeerbian Russsian asssasiiiin keels ze agent gharding ze hause just as Teri and her doctor boy toy are on their way pulling in. Why Lord. Why. Why must Teri put her trust in this doctor guy? (who would take this guy over Jack, anyway?) The other Bauer girl we love to hate is chilling in Rick's casa. Turns out this "deal" that Frank is in is for a supply of ecstasy. But even better- they have no money, because Rick's not brave enough to tell this dude that his brother bit the dust and isn't coming over for the playdate. God help these idiots.
Time for the big showdown on outdoor plaza mall. Out mystery red baseball cap terrorist does show up after all- but figures out that Jack's not Alexis and runs for it. Jack takes off in immediate pursuit, and is almost on him, but that accursed man holding the snipah rifah says that "he'll slow him down for Jack". Jack roars, "DO NOT SHOOT!! I wring wet wash cloths in unadulterated fury as this pathetic excuse for a human being kills their only lead, firing a lethal bullet into the suspect, despite Jack's orders. Teddy, may your crops never harvest and your home turn to dust. The episode eeeeends wiiiith Baheur's whiiife and docctir goiiiing into ze Baheur hhhooome, where Ahhhndree's agent ahvvaits.
Sweet episode. We got great scenes with Jack and David today, not to mention a new level of hatred with "Teddy". Kim and Teri are like the price we pay for these awesome scenes of awesomeness, like a fine or a tax. Let's face it- nobody messes wit the Jackstar. Hope you liked it!
Editor's note: "Sher Bear" is a downright classic. And this entire review is fast-moving and constantly making me smile. Thank you so much!
Outsourced Review for 5:00- 6:00 p.m.
Hello my fellow 24 lovers! We continue now with the next chapter (or in this case, hour) of our beloved show. Let's give a shout out to Adam for maintaing this wonderful site, and get ready to yell "DAMMIT" along with Jack and co. as we launch into the latest episode.
Previously on 24, we had hot sexy stabbing in the Hilton Head Hotel of Politics, Affairs, and Betrayals. Oh, and some nonsense with Teri losing her mind (we knew it was only a matter of time) and Kim running back to the kid who kidnapped her and on whom she has a crush (don't ask).
Jack decides to play the role of Alexis after a baseball loving terrorist calls him to make a deal. Nina finds Barrabonds (if that's how you spell it) in el hotel suite, and David whines about Jack "putting Elizabeth in danger." David, you're awesome, you know I love you, but it seems at some point on this show, you gotta scream at every character "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO BAUER!" Now is that time for David. Jack asks for the shirt off the nearest agents back (literally) who, without question, gives it. That's how much these people love Jack. They take their clothes off for him.
Back at Ye Olde CTU, Tony finishes off his 500th coffee in that Cubby Cup, while George yammers on about how they shouldn't tell Jack that Teri and Kim are missing. It comforts me that Tony is at least bothered by this idea, and grunts a moody "Alright" and trudges back to the salt mine.
I can't believe I'm writing these words, but back at Rick's house, Kim somehow concludes that searching Dan's old underwear drawer will help her find her mom. Ter Bear is meanwhile gets the story of her life by this creepo- doctor, who tells her that they used to skip rope in the playground together or some crap like that. I'm torn between "Eew," "This is stupid," and "Keeeeel the wiiiiiimem" in this paragraph.
Sher Bear, I Like Mike, and David gather round for a little chat about the only thing these people ever talk about, the Keith story. Mike and Sherry think the best idea is to bury the recording, but David, of course, doesn't think so. You know, I actually kinda agree with Mike and Sherry.
Jack calls George and Tony to tell them his play-Alexis idea, which they agree is a dandy idea. But Jack being a caring father and husband, wants to talk to Teri and Kim. George lies (BIG MISTAKE) and tells Jack that the girls are sleeping while Tony shoots him dodgy looks. George, I hope you don't value your life too much, because when Jack finds out about this, there ain't gonna be much of you left to bury. Just so ya know.
Jack and Nina take a little tour down Lovers Lane so they can talk more about Teri's knowledge of The Affair. Jack's pretty much like "Sorry that I didn't tell you that Teri didn't know that you and me were getting busy and sorry that she guessed it anyway." Nina's pretty much like "Sorry that I'm so much hotter than her, I didn't know it made her mad." These two are so sexay together, we all know it. Tony gets in a little shouting match with George at CTU, who wants all the latest dirt on this juicy office scandal. Tony gets pissed, and snaps back that he's not the editor of "People" magazine. I think Tony just feels bad that he doesn't get to chill with Jack and Nina in the field. Instead, he's stuck in the office with Mason, who is too busy in the dirt of "Star" to give a darn about anybody.
David and Keith have even more heart- to-heart as Keith gets prepped for attacks from the media. It's nothing we don't already know, but it's still kinda nice. "You're in good hands," David says. "That's All- I mean, my stand."
The Vampire Cult haf a leeeetle diiiiisscussion about ze wiiiiiimem. Ahhhhndre seeeeeeys that they'de beeeeter be keeeeeled soon, and zeee other duuddde seeeeeeys zat he vill go to ze Baaahuer hooooome to fhhind zem. Ghoooood ideeeeeea.
Kim finally decides that she'd be best taking a leaf out of common sense, and decides to leave Rick's house. I am so paralyzed by the greatness of this statement that I don't even care that they kiss (at least, not that much). However, my jubilation is short lived when Dan's bro Frank barges in to tell them that he's got some kind of deal going down in half an hour, and nobody leaves till it's over. I knew it was too good to be true.
Jack and Nina look smokin' hot as they cruise up an escalator in some sort of outdoor shopping mall. We are then introduced to the greatest jerk so far this season, a dude named Teddy who has a personal beef with Jack over something stupid. This guys smirks, rolls his eyes, and talks back to Jack on just the planning of this most delicate of operations. I have a strong urge to stretch my hands on that flabby neck and squeeze hard. Oh and by the way- he's back-up shooter. Yes, you heard me correctly.
Creepo-doctor has Teri getting undressed in a candle-lit room with paintings of Renaissance women lining the halls. Yes, you heard me correctly. Teri has a "gut feeling" that going to the hospital would be a bad idea, and gets all talky and weepy on this dude. Guys, this is seriously getting weird. Like, really weird.
Fortunately, we are brought back into the real world with Sherry, a woman with a real head on her shoulders, even though said head is being used for nefarious purposes. She embarks on a little secret agent mission of her own, which involves her breaking into a painting safe to get the precious recording. What will she do? As Alex in his last review said, as Lucas said, as Anakin said, "I have a bad feeling about this." Though this, unfortunately, is much worse than buzz droids.
David returns after a commercial break to check on the tape. After all, tapes need to be watered regularly and fed on a diet of milk and honey. But then, Sherry stands up like she's ready to brave a hurricane. "I destroyed it," she tells David, without flinching a tad bit (this is the part where we all go WHAT THE HELL). But get this- David responds "It breaks my heart- but I was right." Turns out, IT WASN'T THE REAL TAPE!! David needed to see how far Sherry would go. And goodness knows, he saw it. My. Gosh. What a hell of a scene!
We are transferred to more awesomeness in the plaza shopping mall, where Teddy is hassling Jack. He explains that his partner's wife hung herself after her husband (the guy Jack busted) went to jail. Jack is nice enough to try and explain himself (I would have screamed bloody murder into the phone) and even helps an old lady into a chair. Gotta love him. It gets to the point where George has to tell Teddy to take a little time out, count to ten, and be nice to everyone. I'm serious guys, I feel homicidal when I look at that guy. Someone shoot him, please.
Ooouur Seeeeerbian Russsian asssasiiiin keels ze agent gharding ze hause just as Teri and her doctor boy toy are on their way pulling in. Why Lord. Why. Why must Teri put her trust in this doctor guy? (who would take this guy over Jack, anyway?) The other Bauer girl we love to hate is chilling in Rick's casa. Turns out this "deal" that Frank is in is for a supply of ecstasy. But even better- they have no money, because Rick's not brave enough to tell this dude that his brother bit the dust and isn't coming over for the playdate. God help these idiots.
Time for the big showdown on outdoor plaza mall. Out mystery red baseball cap terrorist does show up after all- but figures out that Jack's not Alexis and runs for it. Jack takes off in immediate pursuit, and is almost on him, but that accursed man holding the snipah rifah says that "he'll slow him down for Jack". Jack roars, "DO NOT SHOOT!! I wring wet wash cloths in unadulterated fury as this pathetic excuse for a human being kills their only lead, firing a lethal bullet into the suspect, despite Jack's orders. Teddy, may your crops never harvest and your home turn to dust. The episode eeeeends wiiiith Baheur's whiiife and docctir goiiiing into ze Baheur hhhooome, where Ahhhndree's agent ahvvaits.
Sweet episode. We got great scenes with Jack and David today, not to mention a new level of hatred with "Teddy". Kim and Teri are like the price we pay for these awesome scenes of awesomeness, like a fine or a tax. Let's face it- nobody messes wit the Jackstar. Hope you liked it!
Editor's note: "Sher Bear" is a downright classic. And this entire review is fast-moving and constantly making me smile. Thank you so much!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
24 Season 1: 4PM-5PM Outsourced Retro Review
Editor's Note: Sorry for the delay, I've been busy resolving some matters non-TJS related (work, work, work!). Alex turns in a truly excellent review this week- I'm very grateful for the hard work and talent he displays here. Alex- thank you again-- and now, I share his review with you all:
Hey, everyone, Alex here with my reviewcap of 24: Day 1, 4:00 - 5:00 P.M. The episode is classic Season 1: lots of plot development, great character moments, and the right amount of action. So let's get on with it!
Kim is walking and calling for Teri as she looks at a nice view of Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure the Hollywood sign is behind her. Meanwhile, Teri is in a car with Tonya, who tells her that she's never met anyone with amnesia before. Teri says that she doesn't remember meeting anyone with amnesia before, either. Tonya asks her if she comes from money, or if her husband has money. Teri says she has no memory of her husband. I can't believe she just asked Teri about her husband, considering we just spent the last sixty seconds reiterating that she has amnesia.
Back at the Palmer suite, testosterone hits an overload as Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce meet in the same hallway. Jack and Aaron go over the plan to get to Alexis Drazen, while Elizabeth says she's sorry for ever getting into this whole mess. Aaron tells her it's alright since she didn't know who Drazen was, but throws it back into her face that he's a stone-cold killer. That's what happens when you have testosto-adrenaline running through your veins. You can say stuff like that and get away with it. Jack knows this all too well and starts setting up audio-visual coverage of Alexis' hotel room.
Tonya takes a stab at the health care system telling Teri that there's a hospital near the end of the road, but that she doesn't know how good it is. BAM! Before they can get there, Teri recognizes a restaurant. Tonya says maybe they should keep going, but Teri's lack of remembering also includes a lack of caring what Tonya has going on. Teri says she's going to stay, so Tonya gives her $10 and her phone numero to go and get sushi when she's all better.
Meanwhile, Nina tells Elizabeth that without compromising herself, they need her to act as she always did with Alexis. Elizabeth is uncomfortable with this, as that usually meant being nekkid. Apparently there's no problem being super promiscuous if the guy is nice and buys you fancy jewelry, but the second you find out he's an assassin, it gets "awkward." Palmer comes into the room and tells Elizabeth that she doesn't have to go through with meeting Alexis. Nonetheless, Elizabeth is determined to help take this guy down. Palmer asks to speak to Jack. He's not happy with Jack putting Elizabeth in danger. He's known her since she was born. The man changed diapers and burped her, and says if anything happens to her, he's holding Jack personally responsible.
Kim walks out into the middle of the street and almost undoes all of Jack's hard work trying to keep her alive when a car almost runs into her. She finds a pay phone and calls CTU and tells Tony that the safehouse was ambushed, and that she thinks Teri has been kidnapped again. Tony is blown away, but tries to get Kim to tell him where she is. Kim doesn't want to tell him anything and hangs up. Tony tells Mason what's going on. They send a team to the safehouse, but Mason doesn't want to tell Jack what's going on until the Elizabeth operation is over. Tony disagrees, but Mason doesn't want Jack's emotions to get the best of him and jeopardize the operation. Apparently the lump in his leg from begin tranq'ed at the start of the season isn't big enough to remind him that you don't keep secrets from Jack Bauer.
Jack asks Nina if the operation is ready. It almost is, but Jack loses it with her. She calls him on it, and he apologizes, admitting that the events of the last twelve hours have gotten to him. Nina understands. Just as she's about to leave, Jack asks why she didn't finish debriefing Teri and Kim. Nina thinks she can B.S. Jack, but is called away by other CTU agents. Saved by the (proverbial) bell.
Kim makes a dumb move and calls Rick. She tells him what went down and that she's coming to see him. He protests, but Kim tells him that she'll tell the police everything. She also tells him that he's the only person she can trust, this in spite of him playing a heavy hand in her kidnapping. As a George Lucas script will inevitably say somewhere, "I have a bad feeling about this."
Keith enters Palmer's room and apologizes to him for getting on his case. He says he knew Palmer was trying to protect him. He plays Palmer the tape he made of his conversation with Karl. Palmer asks for the tape, and Keith hesitates, but Palmer asks him to trust him. Enter the ticking clock!
Alexis calls Andre and tells him that Palmer is staying in L.A. Andre and Alexis have a discussion on the merits of women. Andre says that they can't be too careful and wants Alexis to kill her after they have their rendezvous. Alexis doesn't look to happy with that, but I have a feeling that he's going to be a professional.
In Alexis' suite, Jack goes over the final details of Operation: Lover Betrayal with Elizabeth. He tells her not to worry, they have complete audio-visual coverage of the hotel room, and gives her a code phrase to say if she wants him and other agents to come in and lay the smack down. She can tell that this is what he really wants, but he tells her if she can stomach sparing Alexis, there's a tracker they'd like her to place on him.
At the restaurant, the manager arrives and talks to Teri. He's surprised that Teri doesn't remember anything. He mentions her "doctor friend," but Teri doesn't recall anything about him. He just happens to know the number of the hospital said doctor friend works at, and is going to give him a call. Meanwhile, Jack and Nina go over the final portion of O:LB before it kicks into high gear. As they do, Jack confronts Nina about why she's holding something back from him. Nina tells him that Teri figured out she and Jack were involved with one another during their marital hiatus. (That ridiculous amnesia storyline may work in someone's favor after all!) As Jack takes personal responsibility for what's happened, Alexis arrives back at the hotel. He gets ready to meet with Elizabeth by drinking some mouthwash or vodka. It's really not clear which it is, as the monitors are pre-HD.
Elizabeth knocks on the door. He doesn't answer, so she tries to ding-dong ditch him. Just as she's about to go, he shows up. He tries to tongue-kiss her (so forward!) but she's apprehensive. She tries to talk work with him, but he's only interested in one thing. That thing that girls are always told guys are after. You know what it is. Anyhow, she sends him for some vodka, and she tries to go after his wallet. She finds it, but drops the tracer. She can't get it back into his jacket before he gets back, so she stuffs it in hers. They talk for a bit, and Alexis tries to find out what the deal is with Palmer. Elizabeth persists that she is out of the loop. He wonders why someone so smart is kept out of the loop. Elizabeth apparently spells "smart" S-M-R-T, as she tells him he has no idea how intelligent she is since most of the time they've spent together has been in bed. Alexis is taken back, but she covers for herself by asking for some food. While Alexis goes for the room service menu, she plants the wallet back in his jacket.
But then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It wasn't a Hobbit, but rather love. Alexis tells Elizabeth that he's fallen for her as Jack clears the SWAT team from the hallway. He places the call to Elizabeth, while Alexis tries to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She ignores Jack's call as she tells Alexis to tell her that he loves her again. He walks right into it, and tells her that she loves him, too. Jack calls again, and she ignores it. She asks him to order her food, and moves towards the desk. Jack and Nina wonder what is going on as she picks something up. The image is blurry (I thought the government was something like 20 years ahead of the rest of society. You'd think they'd have HD monitors even ten years ago!), and it takes them a minute to realize it's a letter opener! As Alexis comes up behind her, Elizabeth turns and stabs him right in the gut. Jack takes him down as he enters the room, and tells Nina to call a medic.
Kim arrives at Rick's house. His BFF GF answers and ask just who Kim is. Rick tries to cover, but his girl is wiser than she seems. Rick comes semi-clean, and tells her that Dan screwed things up the night before, and Kim is trying to find some people Dan knew. Meanwhile, Teri's doctor buddy shows up and talks to Teri. She's a little jumpy as he moves towards her, but he seems to calm her down.
Jack talks with Mason as he cleans up. Mason isn't too happy since the plan went down in a hand-basket. Jack tells him that it's not like he was exposed to radiation, and that Alexis has a 50/50 shot. Just then, Palmer comes in, demanding to know what happened. Jack tells him that Elizabeth stabbed Alexis. Palmer says that she must have been defending herself. Jack says that's not how it was at all, and that, quite frankly, he'd never put himself in a position to get stabbed in the gut. Palmer finds Elizabeth who apologizes for what happened. Jack tries to calm Palmer down, but just then Drazen's phone rings. Nina asks Jack what they should do. Jack says they need to take a chance. He answers and makes plans with Drazen's contact to meet up.
4:57...4:58...4:59...5:00
All in all, pretty good. The only complaint is the ridiculous amnesia storyline that plagued Season 1. But other than that, the episode is pretty solid. Thanks for your time. See you again soon!
Hey, everyone, Alex here with my reviewcap of 24: Day 1, 4:00 - 5:00 P.M. The episode is classic Season 1: lots of plot development, great character moments, and the right amount of action. So let's get on with it!
Kim is walking and calling for Teri as she looks at a nice view of Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure the Hollywood sign is behind her. Meanwhile, Teri is in a car with Tonya, who tells her that she's never met anyone with amnesia before. Teri says that she doesn't remember meeting anyone with amnesia before, either. Tonya asks her if she comes from money, or if her husband has money. Teri says she has no memory of her husband. I can't believe she just asked Teri about her husband, considering we just spent the last sixty seconds reiterating that she has amnesia.
Back at the Palmer suite, testosterone hits an overload as Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce meet in the same hallway. Jack and Aaron go over the plan to get to Alexis Drazen, while Elizabeth says she's sorry for ever getting into this whole mess. Aaron tells her it's alright since she didn't know who Drazen was, but throws it back into her face that he's a stone-cold killer. That's what happens when you have testosto-adrenaline running through your veins. You can say stuff like that and get away with it. Jack knows this all too well and starts setting up audio-visual coverage of Alexis' hotel room.
Tonya takes a stab at the health care system telling Teri that there's a hospital near the end of the road, but that she doesn't know how good it is. BAM! Before they can get there, Teri recognizes a restaurant. Tonya says maybe they should keep going, but Teri's lack of remembering also includes a lack of caring what Tonya has going on. Teri says she's going to stay, so Tonya gives her $10 and her phone numero to go and get sushi when she's all better.
Meanwhile, Nina tells Elizabeth that without compromising herself, they need her to act as she always did with Alexis. Elizabeth is uncomfortable with this, as that usually meant being nekkid. Apparently there's no problem being super promiscuous if the guy is nice and buys you fancy jewelry, but the second you find out he's an assassin, it gets "awkward." Palmer comes into the room and tells Elizabeth that she doesn't have to go through with meeting Alexis. Nonetheless, Elizabeth is determined to help take this guy down. Palmer asks to speak to Jack. He's not happy with Jack putting Elizabeth in danger. He's known her since she was born. The man changed diapers and burped her, and says if anything happens to her, he's holding Jack personally responsible.
Kim walks out into the middle of the street and almost undoes all of Jack's hard work trying to keep her alive when a car almost runs into her. She finds a pay phone and calls CTU and tells Tony that the safehouse was ambushed, and that she thinks Teri has been kidnapped again. Tony is blown away, but tries to get Kim to tell him where she is. Kim doesn't want to tell him anything and hangs up. Tony tells Mason what's going on. They send a team to the safehouse, but Mason doesn't want to tell Jack what's going on until the Elizabeth operation is over. Tony disagrees, but Mason doesn't want Jack's emotions to get the best of him and jeopardize the operation. Apparently the lump in his leg from begin tranq'ed at the start of the season isn't big enough to remind him that you don't keep secrets from Jack Bauer.
Jack asks Nina if the operation is ready. It almost is, but Jack loses it with her. She calls him on it, and he apologizes, admitting that the events of the last twelve hours have gotten to him. Nina understands. Just as she's about to leave, Jack asks why she didn't finish debriefing Teri and Kim. Nina thinks she can B.S. Jack, but is called away by other CTU agents. Saved by the (proverbial) bell.
Kim makes a dumb move and calls Rick. She tells him what went down and that she's coming to see him. He protests, but Kim tells him that she'll tell the police everything. She also tells him that he's the only person she can trust, this in spite of him playing a heavy hand in her kidnapping. As a George Lucas script will inevitably say somewhere, "I have a bad feeling about this."
Keith enters Palmer's room and apologizes to him for getting on his case. He says he knew Palmer was trying to protect him. He plays Palmer the tape he made of his conversation with Karl. Palmer asks for the tape, and Keith hesitates, but Palmer asks him to trust him. Enter the ticking clock!
Alexis calls Andre and tells him that Palmer is staying in L.A. Andre and Alexis have a discussion on the merits of women. Andre says that they can't be too careful and wants Alexis to kill her after they have their rendezvous. Alexis doesn't look to happy with that, but I have a feeling that he's going to be a professional.
In Alexis' suite, Jack goes over the final details of Operation: Lover Betrayal with Elizabeth. He tells her not to worry, they have complete audio-visual coverage of the hotel room, and gives her a code phrase to say if she wants him and other agents to come in and lay the smack down. She can tell that this is what he really wants, but he tells her if she can stomach sparing Alexis, there's a tracker they'd like her to place on him.
At the restaurant, the manager arrives and talks to Teri. He's surprised that Teri doesn't remember anything. He mentions her "doctor friend," but Teri doesn't recall anything about him. He just happens to know the number of the hospital said doctor friend works at, and is going to give him a call. Meanwhile, Jack and Nina go over the final portion of O:LB before it kicks into high gear. As they do, Jack confronts Nina about why she's holding something back from him. Nina tells him that Teri figured out she and Jack were involved with one another during their marital hiatus. (That ridiculous amnesia storyline may work in someone's favor after all!) As Jack takes personal responsibility for what's happened, Alexis arrives back at the hotel. He gets ready to meet with Elizabeth by drinking some mouthwash or vodka. It's really not clear which it is, as the monitors are pre-HD.
Elizabeth knocks on the door. He doesn't answer, so she tries to ding-dong ditch him. Just as she's about to go, he shows up. He tries to tongue-kiss her (so forward!) but she's apprehensive. She tries to talk work with him, but he's only interested in one thing. That thing that girls are always told guys are after. You know what it is. Anyhow, she sends him for some vodka, and she tries to go after his wallet. She finds it, but drops the tracer. She can't get it back into his jacket before he gets back, so she stuffs it in hers. They talk for a bit, and Alexis tries to find out what the deal is with Palmer. Elizabeth persists that she is out of the loop. He wonders why someone so smart is kept out of the loop. Elizabeth apparently spells "smart" S-M-R-T, as she tells him he has no idea how intelligent she is since most of the time they've spent together has been in bed. Alexis is taken back, but she covers for herself by asking for some food. While Alexis goes for the room service menu, she plants the wallet back in his jacket.
But then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It wasn't a Hobbit, but rather love. Alexis tells Elizabeth that he's fallen for her as Jack clears the SWAT team from the hallway. He places the call to Elizabeth, while Alexis tries to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She ignores Jack's call as she tells Alexis to tell her that he loves her again. He walks right into it, and tells her that she loves him, too. Jack calls again, and she ignores it. She asks him to order her food, and moves towards the desk. Jack and Nina wonder what is going on as she picks something up. The image is blurry (I thought the government was something like 20 years ahead of the rest of society. You'd think they'd have HD monitors even ten years ago!), and it takes them a minute to realize it's a letter opener! As Alexis comes up behind her, Elizabeth turns and stabs him right in the gut. Jack takes him down as he enters the room, and tells Nina to call a medic.
Kim arrives at Rick's house. His BFF GF answers and ask just who Kim is. Rick tries to cover, but his girl is wiser than she seems. Rick comes semi-clean, and tells her that Dan screwed things up the night before, and Kim is trying to find some people Dan knew. Meanwhile, Teri's doctor buddy shows up and talks to Teri. She's a little jumpy as he moves towards her, but he seems to calm her down.
Jack talks with Mason as he cleans up. Mason isn't too happy since the plan went down in a hand-basket. Jack tells him that it's not like he was exposed to radiation, and that Alexis has a 50/50 shot. Just then, Palmer comes in, demanding to know what happened. Jack tells him that Elizabeth stabbed Alexis. Palmer says that she must have been defending herself. Jack says that's not how it was at all, and that, quite frankly, he'd never put himself in a position to get stabbed in the gut. Palmer finds Elizabeth who apologizes for what happened. Jack tries to calm Palmer down, but just then Drazen's phone rings. Nina asks Jack what they should do. Jack says they need to take a chance. He answers and makes plans with Drazen's contact to meet up.
4:57...4:58...4:59...5:00
All in all, pretty good. The only complaint is the ridiculous amnesia storyline that plagued Season 1. But other than that, the episode is pretty solid. Thanks for your time. See you again soon!
Monday, June 28, 2010
24 Season 1: 4AM-5AM Retro Review
Janet, Janet, Janet... I feel like they dropped you into the 24-verse out of an episode of "Three's Company." This whole night has been a terrible misunderstanding, I swear. Jack and Chrissy didn't mean to kidnap you and leave you for dead in the middle of a deserted road. Boy, aren't we all going to have a big laugh when Mr. Roper finds out! Wait-
As they wheel an unconscious Janet into surgery to repair her... everything, Jack is wheeling himself around the pre-dawn streets of L.A. in pursuit of the squad car carrying a terrorist with information. What's Jack going to do? He certainly wouldn't dare intrude upon the LAPD's jurisdiction and bust the terrorist loose for his own investigation-- of this I am certain!
Back at the hospital, doors burst open and through them stride Teri Bauer and Alan York, concerned parents and sweaty middle-aged folk. They run around yelling "Excuse me!" and "Hello!" as they breeze by a desk marked "Information." This is like watching someone run into a library and yelling "Knowledge! Where are you!" Dude, come on! Anyway, after getting no immediate help, our intrepid duo run into an area they're not allowed to be in and find Janet more hooked up than Tiger Woods at a strip club (zing!). Just at this moment Jack calls Teri and asks the very basic question "Where is Kim?" Teri starts babbling like a Gilmore Girl on a caffeine high and you can see Jack calculate ways he can return to being "separated" from this chick. A five minute long conversation ensues where Teri whines and Jack yells and then apologizes. Jack does this while he follows the squad car carrying the informative terrorist back to the police station (which I suppose is in Alaska given the time it's taking for them to get back to base).
And Kim is dumped in the back of Ira Gaines luxury sedan and our smoothest of criminals tells the Stoner Bros. that there's a change of plans! Ah, I love a bad guy who knows how to improvise. But seriously, a change of plans seems to be one of the most common tropes of this genre. It makes me wonder why bad guys even bother making plans. They're always changing them, what's the use? I want a scene where Ira Gaines' five-year old daughter is sitting at home with an uneaten birthday cake listening to her daddy's voicemail message saying "Hey kiddo, sorry you can't turn five today, there's been a change of plans." Asshole.
David Palmer is back in some zone of familial bliss as he's telling every woman within his line of sight to go to bed. But nobody's listening to him because the polls open in three hours! Oh, come on- go to bed, people! The show may be called 24 but I don't need 24 hrs of inane political banter. Sleep! Spare me this idle chit-chat for the 8AM hour. Oh and Sherry asks David to not remind their daughter that she was raped, even though the press is set to run with the story of how Palmer's son killed the rapist by pushing him out of a window. Sherry is mom of the year, people. She's always putting her kids first, always making sure that the family is a tight-knit unit. And she's always on her laptop, is she playing online poker or something? Multitasker!
Jack phones Nina to tell her he's planning to spring the terrorist out of the precinct. But like I predicted, he wants to do it the right way, through the bureaucracy. He asks Nina to get in touch with a completely fabricated TV named dude called "Ryan Sealy" at Division to give an override on custody. Man, Division is all sorts of powerful. I wonder if Division consists of white-haired men in robes, casting villains into The Phantom Zone. General Zod, you're going to Division, buddy. Anyway, Nina fills in a little subplot by telling Tony that Jack knows he's a snitch, and to remind the audience that Tony is mole suspect #1. Tony gives her Ryan's phone number and stares at her menacingly as she walks away. Tony, I've only known you for 4 episodes and I hate you. As we wait for those slow wheels of bureaucracy to turn, Jack does some vintage Bauer persuading (no, not torture, some very good reasoning and emotional pleading, folks) and convinces the shift sergeant to give Jack a couple of minutes with the suspect. And as Jack walks into the interrogation room, we see George "W.B." Mason trot into the precinct, accompanied by searing lead-out music.
On the other side of the Twilight Zone, the Stoners are cruising back to Casa de Gaines to get their money. The boys challenge one another with an erudite debate over the virtues of Hegel and Marx and the "Master/Slave" dialectic as applied to their present situation. Weed makes people so philosphical.
As this mind-bending stuff unfolds, George Mason has his own Aristotelian debate with Jack about who's the boss. George wins the rhetorical exchange and goes to interrogate the terrorist. Jack laughs (he literally laughs!) at George for taking control of the investigation.
Ira Gaines has his own wacky situation in the backseat of his Caddy. Kim tries to alert a lethargic motorist in a nearby car to her dilemma, and Ira has to throw Kimberly in the trunk to make the rest of their trip back to his crib less troublesome. Come on, Ira, you should have tossed her in the trunk in the first place. What was the upside of keeping Elisha Cuthbert within your sights on the drive home? Oh yeah, stupid question...
Back at the police station, Jack and the terrorist chat clandestinely about Kim and her plight. So, the terrorist can lead Jack to Kim, all he needs is to get sprung right out of custody. Well, if you can't get a lawyer to bail you out, the next best thing is Jack Bauer. Jack does a bit of goofy play-acting to get the dead cop's partner to let him back into the room, and then Jack insults the cop in order to get all three men on the floor in the holding room. They start hugging aggressively. I am drinking seltzer as I watch this. What else am I supposed to do? Amid the scuffle, the terrorist swipes the key card (another friggin' key card? This whole show is based on magnetized cards!) and once everyone leaves his holding room, so does the terrorist!
At the Hotel California, David calls the meddlesome reporter to talk things out, to see if maybe they can come to some agreement about obstructing justice concerning Palmer's son being a killer. They fail to find a happy medium between hiding the truth and telling it publicly. I predict in the future, a U.S. President will sell out his/her kid to maintain his/her office. And he/she, arrgh, SHE WILL RUIN HER LIFE DOING IT! Phew... there, I couldn't hold onto this "unfrozen caveman" conceit any longer. Sorry. Okay, back to being ignorant...
Jack expertly breaks out of the Police Station with the terrorist and they joyride around LA until they find Ira Gaines' car with a dead body in the trunk. Oh no, wasn't Kim in the trunk no less than 30 minutes ago? Jack is about to start rummaging through parts to make sure it isn't his little angel when George Mason rolls up on the scene. George's entourage takes the terrorist back into custody and Mason tells Jack "I'm taking you in, you loose cannon, I'm gettin' too old for this shit, I'm three days from retirement" blah blah blah. But then Jack pops the trunk and shows George the mutilated body. George accepts this trophy from Jack and decides to not take him into custody. What? Usually when a person is found with a cut up body in their possession they get cuffed and hauled off. I guess George thinks this shit's kinda cool. Don't encourage Jack to cut off people's body parts, George. And definitely don't bring any hacksaws to the office, ya dig? Heh.
Gaines, meanwhile, is the owner of multiple cars, as he pulls up to his secluded abode and meets the Stoners to discuss the meaning of life and death. Apparently the Stoners are unaware of the difference between the two, particularly concerning the condition of one Janet York, who is not dead and is very much capable of talking to the police about her joyride of mayhem. Before the Stoners can tell Ira Gaines that Janet is a zombie, Gaines goes ahead and changes the plan yet again! He decides he's not going to pay the Stoners for their time, but that he's going to kill the really stoned one and "promote" the other, sensitive one. Gaines sincerely congratulates the undead Stoner for not being the one he chose to shoot. I don't know why, but I'd really like working for a guy that involved in his employees' emotional well-being. Ira, you deserve an Edible Arrangement for being boss of the year.
My thoughts: Overall, this the kind of episode I love. It's a noir-style piece of storytelling-- plots thicken, mind games are being played and those empty streets of L.A. are a cool backdrop to it all. This was a lean episode in terms of plot, even if 90% of Teri Bauer's scenes comprised of her freaking out about her flawed relationship with Kim, whom she assumes is dead. Teri is a disaster, I'm sorry. I never understood Jack's relationship with her, and I just want her to go away. I wonder if the writers feel the same way. Otherwise, this was a truly enjoyable hour. Zombie Janet is set to eat brains in the next hour and Tony will probably continue glaring at the backs of people's heads with villainous disdain. I love this show.
As they wheel an unconscious Janet into surgery to repair her... everything, Jack is wheeling himself around the pre-dawn streets of L.A. in pursuit of the squad car carrying a terrorist with information. What's Jack going to do? He certainly wouldn't dare intrude upon the LAPD's jurisdiction and bust the terrorist loose for his own investigation-- of this I am certain!
Back at the hospital, doors burst open and through them stride Teri Bauer and Alan York, concerned parents and sweaty middle-aged folk. They run around yelling "Excuse me!" and "Hello!" as they breeze by a desk marked "Information." This is like watching someone run into a library and yelling "Knowledge! Where are you!" Dude, come on! Anyway, after getting no immediate help, our intrepid duo run into an area they're not allowed to be in and find Janet more hooked up than Tiger Woods at a strip club (zing!). Just at this moment Jack calls Teri and asks the very basic question "Where is Kim?" Teri starts babbling like a Gilmore Girl on a caffeine high and you can see Jack calculate ways he can return to being "separated" from this chick. A five minute long conversation ensues where Teri whines and Jack yells and then apologizes. Jack does this while he follows the squad car carrying the informative terrorist back to the police station (which I suppose is in Alaska given the time it's taking for them to get back to base).
And Kim is dumped in the back of Ira Gaines luxury sedan and our smoothest of criminals tells the Stoner Bros. that there's a change of plans! Ah, I love a bad guy who knows how to improvise. But seriously, a change of plans seems to be one of the most common tropes of this genre. It makes me wonder why bad guys even bother making plans. They're always changing them, what's the use? I want a scene where Ira Gaines' five-year old daughter is sitting at home with an uneaten birthday cake listening to her daddy's voicemail message saying "Hey kiddo, sorry you can't turn five today, there's been a change of plans." Asshole.
David Palmer is back in some zone of familial bliss as he's telling every woman within his line of sight to go to bed. But nobody's listening to him because the polls open in three hours! Oh, come on- go to bed, people! The show may be called 24 but I don't need 24 hrs of inane political banter. Sleep! Spare me this idle chit-chat for the 8AM hour. Oh and Sherry asks David to not remind their daughter that she was raped, even though the press is set to run with the story of how Palmer's son killed the rapist by pushing him out of a window. Sherry is mom of the year, people. She's always putting her kids first, always making sure that the family is a tight-knit unit. And she's always on her laptop, is she playing online poker or something? Multitasker!
Jack phones Nina to tell her he's planning to spring the terrorist out of the precinct. But like I predicted, he wants to do it the right way, through the bureaucracy. He asks Nina to get in touch with a completely fabricated TV named dude called "Ryan Sealy" at Division to give an override on custody. Man, Division is all sorts of powerful. I wonder if Division consists of white-haired men in robes, casting villains into The Phantom Zone. General Zod, you're going to Division, buddy. Anyway, Nina fills in a little subplot by telling Tony that Jack knows he's a snitch, and to remind the audience that Tony is mole suspect #1. Tony gives her Ryan's phone number and stares at her menacingly as she walks away. Tony, I've only known you for 4 episodes and I hate you. As we wait for those slow wheels of bureaucracy to turn, Jack does some vintage Bauer persuading (no, not torture, some very good reasoning and emotional pleading, folks) and convinces the shift sergeant to give Jack a couple of minutes with the suspect. And as Jack walks into the interrogation room, we see George "W.B." Mason trot into the precinct, accompanied by searing lead-out music.
On the other side of the Twilight Zone, the Stoners are cruising back to Casa de Gaines to get their money. The boys challenge one another with an erudite debate over the virtues of Hegel and Marx and the "Master/Slave" dialectic as applied to their present situation. Weed makes people so philosphical.
As this mind-bending stuff unfolds, George Mason has his own Aristotelian debate with Jack about who's the boss. George wins the rhetorical exchange and goes to interrogate the terrorist. Jack laughs (he literally laughs!) at George for taking control of the investigation.
Ira Gaines has his own wacky situation in the backseat of his Caddy. Kim tries to alert a lethargic motorist in a nearby car to her dilemma, and Ira has to throw Kimberly in the trunk to make the rest of their trip back to his crib less troublesome. Come on, Ira, you should have tossed her in the trunk in the first place. What was the upside of keeping Elisha Cuthbert within your sights on the drive home? Oh yeah, stupid question...
Back at the police station, Jack and the terrorist chat clandestinely about Kim and her plight. So, the terrorist can lead Jack to Kim, all he needs is to get sprung right out of custody. Well, if you can't get a lawyer to bail you out, the next best thing is Jack Bauer. Jack does a bit of goofy play-acting to get the dead cop's partner to let him back into the room, and then Jack insults the cop in order to get all three men on the floor in the holding room. They start hugging aggressively. I am drinking seltzer as I watch this. What else am I supposed to do? Amid the scuffle, the terrorist swipes the key card (another friggin' key card? This whole show is based on magnetized cards!) and once everyone leaves his holding room, so does the terrorist!
At the Hotel California, David calls the meddlesome reporter to talk things out, to see if maybe they can come to some agreement about obstructing justice concerning Palmer's son being a killer. They fail to find a happy medium between hiding the truth and telling it publicly. I predict in the future, a U.S. President will sell out his/her kid to maintain his/her office. And he/she, arrgh, SHE WILL RUIN HER LIFE DOING IT! Phew... there, I couldn't hold onto this "unfrozen caveman" conceit any longer. Sorry. Okay, back to being ignorant...
Jack expertly breaks out of the Police Station with the terrorist and they joyride around LA until they find Ira Gaines' car with a dead body in the trunk. Oh no, wasn't Kim in the trunk no less than 30 minutes ago? Jack is about to start rummaging through parts to make sure it isn't his little angel when George Mason rolls up on the scene. George's entourage takes the terrorist back into custody and Mason tells Jack "I'm taking you in, you loose cannon, I'm gettin' too old for this shit, I'm three days from retirement" blah blah blah. But then Jack pops the trunk and shows George the mutilated body. George accepts this trophy from Jack and decides to not take him into custody. What? Usually when a person is found with a cut up body in their possession they get cuffed and hauled off. I guess George thinks this shit's kinda cool. Don't encourage Jack to cut off people's body parts, George. And definitely don't bring any hacksaws to the office, ya dig? Heh.
Gaines, meanwhile, is the owner of multiple cars, as he pulls up to his secluded abode and meets the Stoners to discuss the meaning of life and death. Apparently the Stoners are unaware of the difference between the two, particularly concerning the condition of one Janet York, who is not dead and is very much capable of talking to the police about her joyride of mayhem. Before the Stoners can tell Ira Gaines that Janet is a zombie, Gaines goes ahead and changes the plan yet again! He decides he's not going to pay the Stoners for their time, but that he's going to kill the really stoned one and "promote" the other, sensitive one. Gaines sincerely congratulates the undead Stoner for not being the one he chose to shoot. I don't know why, but I'd really like working for a guy that involved in his employees' emotional well-being. Ira, you deserve an Edible Arrangement for being boss of the year.
My thoughts: Overall, this the kind of episode I love. It's a noir-style piece of storytelling-- plots thicken, mind games are being played and those empty streets of L.A. are a cool backdrop to it all. This was a lean episode in terms of plot, even if 90% of Teri Bauer's scenes comprised of her freaking out about her flawed relationship with Kim, whom she assumes is dead. Teri is a disaster, I'm sorry. I never understood Jack's relationship with her, and I just want her to go away. I wonder if the writers feel the same way. Otherwise, this was a truly enjoyable hour. Zombie Janet is set to eat brains in the next hour and Tony will probably continue glaring at the backs of people's heads with villainous disdain. I love this show.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
24 Season 7: The Day After The Tony Betrayal
Something occurred to me before my first cup of coffee this AM- maybe Larry Moss wasn't a good guy after all. And maybe Tony Almeida was one of the only guys to know this fact. Yeah, I know, I'm trying too hard to come up with an excuse for Tony.
Anyway, it's been this blog's tradition to honor heroic bureaucrats with a US Postage stamp. So, barring any post-mortem revelation that Larry was a bad guy, our Special Agent still only rates for a penny stamp. George Mason and Bill Buchanan were vikings- they died as warriors. Moss died while wearing a friendship bracelet from Renee. A penny stamp is used to help a real stamp get things done. You'd never use a penny stamp on its own, it's completely ineffectual. You see where I'm going with this?
At the start of this season, I didn't think I'd give Moss any kind of recognition. The paper-pushing Mirandizer grew on me pretty quickly. Adios, compadre.
And AmyV, I'm not ready to quit "24" yet. I came back after Season 6, right? That was brutal.
Anyway, it's been this blog's tradition to honor heroic bureaucrats with a US Postage stamp. So, barring any post-mortem revelation that Larry was a bad guy, our Special Agent still only rates for a penny stamp. George Mason and Bill Buchanan were vikings- they died as warriors. Moss died while wearing a friendship bracelet from Renee. A penny stamp is used to help a real stamp get things done. You'd never use a penny stamp on its own, it's completely ineffectual. You see where I'm going with this?
At the start of this season, I didn't think I'd give Moss any kind of recognition. The paper-pushing Mirandizer grew on me pretty quickly. Adios, compadre.And AmyV, I'm not ready to quit "24" yet. I came back after Season 6, right? That was brutal.
Friday, January 09, 2009
JACK BAUER FOR POSTMASTER GENERAL
Yes, Jack Bauer knows what it means to go postal:
Stamp collecting is in turmoil. It used to be really hard to get your face on a stamp- you had to invent something like electricity or democracy to make the grade. Today, stamps have become mostly a dumping ground for tacky promotional tie-ins (a Barney Rubble postage stamp is either out there or on its way, I promise). If you invent cold nuclear fusion with the hope of making it onto a US stamp, prepare to get in line behind Winnie The Pooh and Yoda.
But as we transition to a new administration this month, I believe we're poised to take back our postal heritage. With yesterday's news that Dr. Gregory House will be our next Surgeon General, I'm excited to report that Jack Bauer is our next Postmaster General. Below is a picture from Bauer's first day on the job, where a very special stamp was introduced (heroic, indeed):
R.I.P. George Mason!!!
Stamp collecting is in turmoil. It used to be really hard to get your face on a stamp- you had to invent something like electricity or democracy to make the grade. Today, stamps have become mostly a dumping ground for tacky promotional tie-ins (a Barney Rubble postage stamp is either out there or on its way, I promise). If you invent cold nuclear fusion with the hope of making it onto a US stamp, prepare to get in line behind Winnie The Pooh and Yoda.
But as we transition to a new administration this month, I believe we're poised to take back our postal heritage. With yesterday's news that Dr. Gregory House will be our next Surgeon General, I'm excited to report that Jack Bauer is our next Postmaster General. Below is a picture from Bauer's first day on the job, where a very special stamp was introduced (heroic, indeed):
R.I.P. George Mason!!!
