24: The DTV Transition at Aunt Ruth's House

In our continuing series of 24 fan-fiction, our heroes face their greatest challenge yet- helping Bill Buchanan's elderly Aunt Ruth through the transition to digital television.

Bill Buchanan bursts through the door of his Aunt Ruth's house.

BUCHANAN: Aunt Ruth (heaving, out of breath) I came as soon as you called, what's the emergency? Do you need an ambulance?

Aunt Ruth is standing in front of her television set, clicking the tuner around angrily.

AUNT RUTH: It's this damn T.V. set, Billy! I've been at this for an hour and I can't get anything to show up- not even the Mexican channels!

BUCHANAN: You mean there's no emergency?

AUNT RUTH: I can't watch my programs! Of course this is a-- what do you call it, dear? An active code?

Buchanan drops his head and does his best to swallow his frustration. He looks up and smiles.

BUCHANAN: The T.V. isn't the problem. It's the DTV transition taking place, that's why your channels aren't working.

AUNT RUTH: The DT-who?

BUCHANAN: Let me call a friend over and she'll explain. (opens up his wireless phone, pushes a quick-dial) Chloe, it's Bill- can you come over to my Aunt Ruth's house? (pause) No, she's alright, it's just that I need you to help her through the transfer from analog to digital broadcast television. (pause) Yes, I'm serious... and bring backup if you can.

Minutes later...

Chloe O'Brian walks in with Jack Bauer and Morris O'Brian. Chloe immediately opens up her laptop

BUCHANAN: Thank God you're all here. Wait, Jack, why are you here?

JACK: Your Aunt Ruth still bakes shortbread cookies, right?

AUNT RUTH: Don't I ever, come along young man let's set up you with some cookies and milk.

JACK: Copy that, Aunt Ruth.

Aunt Ruth pinches Jack's cheek and they leave to the kitchen.

BUCHANAN (to Chloe and Morris): Since when does Jack eat cookies?

CHLOE: He's going undercover as someone that eats cookies so we can do our job!

BUCHANAN: I guess it's safer than heroin...

MORRIS (to Chloe): Alright, love, I'm setting up Ruthie's telly for the converter box. Mr. Buchanan, where's the converter?

BUCHANAN: She doesn't have one- she's too busy to deal with those details.

MORRIS: I guess covering every available piece of furniture in plastic is a full-time endeavour, yes?

CHLOE: I've hacked into dtv2009.gov and I'm redirecting the nearest facility to send Aunt Ruth a $40 coupon for her converter box. It should be here within minutes.

BUCHANAN: That means one of us has to run down to the store and buy the box once the coupon arrives. (looks at watch) There's not enough time, "Murder, She Wrote" will be on in less than a half-hour. She never misses an episode.

MORRIS: We are doing our best, sir. Perhaps we should consider neutralizing the target?

In the kitchen:

Aunt Ruth is at the kitchen counter assembling the cookie dough ingredients. Jack is sitting by the counter in a folding chair.

AUNT RUTH: I hear one of your friends talking in the other room, he sounds English, is that right?

JACK: Yes, ma'am- that's Morris O'Brian, he's Chloe's husband.

AUNT RUTH: I love that accent- it reminds me of a gentleman caller I once knew during the War. He was a naughty one. If you knew the things he would-

JACK: Let's keep those details classified, deal?

AUNT RUTH: But Bill tells me you're always asking people so many questions.

JACK: Actually, I'd like to know when you bought that stick of butter.

Aunt Ruth looks down at the obviously very old butter.

AUNT RUTH: Oh, don't worry about that, Jack- all you need to do is cut off the protective layer. (She trims off the outer parts of the butter) Look, it's brand new inside!

JACK: You're a good liar, but I've seen better. Excuse me for a moment.

Jack leaves to go to the living room. Aunt Ruth goes back to work on the cookie dough.

JACK: What's our status?

CHLOE: We're 10 minutes away from our deadline and we've got no converter box and no working feed of Angela Lansbury.

BUCHANAN: This situation is about to go critical, Jack. Can you get her to bake something else to keep her busy?

JACK: I ate things you don't want to know about when I was in China, Bill and I don't think I'll make it past Aunt Ruth's fossilized cookies.

MORRIS: Perhaps she needs a little extra attention, mate.

Jack look at Morris and grins to himself.

Minutes later...

Buchanan and Chloe are looking concerned as they hear Morris and Aunt Ruth giggling in the other room. Jack walks back into the living room, smiling.

BUCHANAN: Jack, you're a sick man, you know that? My Aunt is 92 years-old and you have her doing... God knows what with Morris?!

CHLOE: Now I have to divorce him because... (shivers)

JACK: Will the both of you knock it off? Morris is in there making up stories about how he lived next to Angela Lansbury in London. He's actually doing a pretty decent job of it too- the guy knows his "Murder, She Wrote" trivia.

CHLOE: Okay, Jack, we have the converter box- I'll walk you through the installation.

Jack walks over to the television and kneels down.

JACK: I'm in position.

CHLOE: Okay, you're going to run a coaxial line from the back of the converter box to the connection on the T.V.

JACK: There's no coax connection on the back of the set, I repeat NO COAX!

CHLOE: That's impossible- read to me the T.V.'s model number.

JACK: There's no model number, Chloe- this thing was built in the 1960s. Bill, I'm gonna need a hacksaw.

BUCHANAN: We're going to need a coax adapter or something.

CHLOE: I'll try to source one, but we're talking about some pretty exotic equipment.

JACK: I've had enough of this!

Jack leaps up, pulls out his pistol and blasts the T.V. set with several bullets. He then puts the gun away and reaches into his wallet, pulls out several hundred-dollars and hands the money to Bill.

BUCHANAN: That's great, Jack- just GREAT! You can't shoot your way through every problem, I hope you realize that.

Chloe is packing up her gear at this point. Jack is walking to the door.

BUCHANAN: You think this is over? Who's going to teach Aunt Ruth how to operate a remote control for the new T.V.?

JACK: Understand this, Bill- I don't work for you. Besides, I think Morris can take over from here.

BUCHANAN: Good point, let's get out of here.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen-

MORRIS: ... and that's how Angela Lansbury won the record for most pidgeons consumed in a single day.

AUNT RUTH: That's just fascinating! But enough about her, I want you to look at this.

Aunt Ruth hands Morris a box of old letters. Morris reads one of them to himself- his eyes bulging.

AUNT RUTH: Can you read those letters to me out-loud?

MORRIS: These seem kind of personal, love.. and dirty. Are you sure?

Aunt Ruth pulls out a pack of smokes and lights up.

AUNT RUTH: Very.

The End.

24: DMV

Here's another fan-fiction post (long overdue!)- this time our beloved "24" characters deal with the insipid task of making it through a day at the local Department of Motor Vehicles:

Jack Bauer, Bill Buchanan, Chloe O'Brian, Tony Almeida and Aaron Pierce all arrive at the Arlington, Virginia DMV. No one is happy.

CHLOE: I don't understand why we're here, Mr. Buchanan. Most of these transactions can be done online.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, it's more complicated than that. Jack when was the last time you carried a valid driver's license?

JACK (counting fingers, muttering to himself): Not since we invaded the Chinese Embassy, Bill. So we're talking at least ten years.

BUCHANAN: And Tony's a fugitive, so we need Agent Pierce to register Tony's new vanity plates for his El Camino.

CHLOE: What's your personalized plate say?

TONY: That's classified.

CHLOE: Tony, if it's on the back of your car, it won't be classified anymore!

TONY: Exactly- it will be in plain sight, no one will suspect a thing.

BUCHANAN: Just nod and agree, Chloe. And I got a summons for an illegal window tint on this purple van. Normally, I'd ditch the vehicle and blow it up, but I really enjoy the way Jethro Tull pipes through these bitchin' speakers.

JACK (muttering): No rock band should have a flute.

BUCHANAN: I'm sorry, Jack I couldn't hear you back there (cranks volume).

PIERCE: Please, God let's get this over with.

The group enters the DMV office. It's packed.

TONY: Should I start shooting up the place?

JACK: Not yet...

CHLOE: I did some research on your test, Jack. There's a 90 percent chance you will be asked to parallel park. I just wanted you to know that. (silence) Do you have all of your forms filled-out and ready?

JACK: I have the DL-1P, the MED-4 and a pardon from the President of the United States for all of the damage I'm about to cause on this road-test. Stick with the others, I'm going to the front of the line.

Jack walks past two dozen people, all giving him dirty looks along the way. He arrives at the counter and meets an angry-looking woman.

JACK: My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal- wait. I'm here to take a road-test today.

WOMAN: Do you have a number?

JACK: No, I don't have a number. I need you to do me a favor and call your boss and get clearance for me to take my road-test now.

WOMAN: Sir, without a number, you cannot even be talking to me, NEXT ON LINE, PLEASE!

JACK: Lady, you have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation.

WOMAN: Well (she looks him over) you are cute...

JACK: That's not what I meant- (sigh) Dammit.

Meanwhile...

Agent Pierce and Tony are sitting next to one another in complete silence. Tony looks down at his number ticket. He then looks at Pierce, who's staring into nothingness. Pierce notices Tony's glare.

PIERCE: I've been given orders not to talk to you.

TONY: Don't you want to know what my plates are about?

PIERCE: Okay...

Pierce looks down at the application. It reads "DEEPGUY."

PIERCE: You reading a lot of self-help books?

TONY: What are you talking about? (Tony reads the application) No, no, no, Chloe brought Larry Moss' application by accident! Mine's supposed to say "DEEPSKY!"

PIERCE: Sure it does. Don't be shy... guy (half-smiles).

And at the counter, Bill and Chloe are talking with the inspector:

BUCHANAN: These are street legal tints, trust me. I used to be the director of a federal agency, I know the law.

INSPECTOR: Apparently you weren't working for the Federal Bureau of Window-tints, mister. That's my jurisdiction.

CHLOE: There's no need to be snarky about it, sir.

INSPECTOR: Lady, is this your first time at the DMV?

BUCHANAN: How long will it take to have my windows inspected?

INSPECTOR: Well, I've got lunch coming up in 2 minutes, and I'm the only one here, and then I have to look at some paperwork, but I don't think I should have to do that because my supervisor is the one who usually does that, but he's on vacation and they never get the right coverage for people when they take off from...

Bill tugs on Chloe's sleeve and motions for them to walk away. They are now crossing the floor to where Jack is standing.

WOMAN: Do you have any current identification?

JACK: I have a valid driver's license for the Democratic Republic of Sangala.

WOMAN: Woah, easy there hot-stuff. Sangala? Never heard of it.

Jack hands her the ID.

WOMAN: Phew, this is going to take some more paperwork. Here's form DL-7- exchanging a driver's license from another country.

JACK: Dammit, we're running out of time, lady! Who do you-

BUCHANAN: JACK! Jack! We've hit some roadblocks here. Let's just get that Presidential Pardon to include my van's tints, ok?

Holding up his pardon in front of the lady's face.

JACK: And I'll get it to cover my driving without a license... again.

Tony and Pierce walk up to the others now.

JACK: We're leaving here, Tony. You have a smoke grenade on you?

TONY: Of course I do. (hands him the grenade) What's up?

JACK: You got a form for this thing, lady?

Jack pulls the pin and throws over the counter. All of the DMV workers scramble as purple smoke fills the main floor.

They exit the building.

END.

24: Poker Night!

A few days ago I opened up this blog to reader suggestions. The Jackster gets the first of these "by request" posts, seeking some "24" fan-fiction showing our favorite characters engaged in a very normal social situation. This one is set during a (not-so) friendly poker game. Enjoy:

Bill Buchanan is sitting at the card table, shuffling a deck. Also at the table are Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida, Larry Moss, Renee Walker and David Emerson. Chloe O'Brian and Janis Gold are sitting at dueling laptops at the kitchen table.

BUCHANAN (dealing out cards): Small blind is five, big is ten. No Crazy Pineapple, no Omaha High rules. This is straight No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em.

JACK: Copy that.

TONY: Yeah (drinks his Budweiser).

Jack notices this and stares at Tony for a moment. Everyone looks at their cards. Moss and Almeida throw in their blinds.

RENEE: Is it my bet? Okay, ten. (throws in her chips).

EMERSON: I'll raise that to $100.

JACK: Dammit!

Tony drinks.

EMERSON: What's wrong, Bauer? You scared?

JACK (sarcastic): I used to be in the military. Used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life. (throws in his chips to match Emerson's bet).

Chloe snorts to herself.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, what's the status of our pizza delivery?

CHLOE (tapping her keyboard): Give me a minute, I have to redirect the satellite to track it. Janis, open a socket and help me.

JACK: Hurry, Chloe- we're running out of time! (Tony drinks) If he gets here past thirty minutes, our delivery is free.

CHLOE (to Janis): Once we locate the pizza guy, I'll need you to hack into the DOT network and change all traffic lights to red.

JANIS: I'm going to have to check with Agent Moss to see if I should-

CHLOE: Do you want me to do your job for you?! I know you're a PC chick, but I didn't know you were this lame.

BUCHANAN: Moss, it's your bet.

MOSS: I don't know... (looks at Renee, who rolls her eyes). I, uhh, I'll just... (sighs, folds his hand).

BUCHANAN: That was painful to watch. Tony, are you in? (Tony throws his cards to the center of the table, looks at Emerson who nods back at him) Very well, I fold too. Agent Walker, do you call?

RENEE: No, I fold. (Larry sighs, rubbing Renee's back. Renee leans over to him) See how pathetic that was? Now you know how I felt ten seconds ago. (Larry removes his hand and looks down in shame).

Buchanan lays out the flop, a ten of spades, a ten of hearts and a 4 of clubs.

EMERSON: Looks like its just you and me, Bauer. Christopher Henderson told me about your card games when you worked together. He said you didn't have the guts to go all-in when it counted.

JACK: I shot Christopher Henderson's wife in the thigh and then killed him later that day. Trust me, you do not want to go down this road with me.

Silence falls over the tension-filled room.

MOSS: Hey, uh let's play a drinking game! Never have I ever... uh, drink if you've never been shot in the neck.

Only Chloe, Janis and Moss drink.

MOSS: Bill, I didn't know you've been shot in the neck.

BUCHANAN: I haven't, I just block you out most of the time. Emerson, it's your bet.

EMERSON: Check.

JACK: You raise the pot and then check on the flop? That's the wrong play, Emerson. Who are you working for? (Tony drinks) Dammit, Tony! (Tony drinks again) Why are you always drinking after I talk?

Jack pushes Tony against the wall and a piece of paper falls to the ground. Jack picks it up and reads it, looking up at Tony in anger.

JACK: What is this? The "Jack Bauer Drinking Game?"

TONY: Yeah. I got it from some fan blog- every time you say one of your stock phrases, we're supposed to take a drink. I figured I'd give it a try. Can you yell "GET ON THE GROUND NOW!" for me, I'm starting to lose my buzz.

Jack throws Tony against another wall and they get into a clumsy wrestle-fight. Jack is about to throw Tony to the floor.

TONY (whispers): Deep Dish.

Jack immediately stops and steps backwards. The fight is over. Everyone returns to their seats.

BUCHANAN: Alright, Jack, it's your bet.

Jack looks at Emerson and smiles.

JACK: All-in.

Emerson looks down at his cards and back up at Jack.

CHLOE: Jack, we have the pizza guy! He's three blocks away, all side streets, no traffic lights. He has five minutes to spare! Jack, what do you want me to do?

Jack ignores Chloe and stares down Emerson.

JANIS (to Chloe): I have an idea.

Janis jumps up from her seat and starts to strip, running towards the door and out of the house.

BUCHANAN: Agent Walker, Janis isn't trained for that kind of field-op. Since you've folded, we're going to need you to distract the pizza guy with your nakedness.

JACK, TONY, MOSS and EMERSON in unison: COPY THAT! (Tony drinks).

RENEE: You are the saddest bunch of... (folds arms) No, you're going to have to pay for your pizza.

BUCHANAN (to Jack): It was worth a try. (To Renee) Well, we're in an active code now with Janis naked in public-- we need to reel her in. I may get kicked out of the condo association if we can't stop her.

RENEE: Fine... (sighs, pulling out her handgun). You're all going to pay for my therapy bills if this plays out like I think. (Runs out of the house).

JACK: It's your bet, Emerson. Are you all-in?

Emerson looks at Tony, who looks away from him. Just as Emerson is about to fold his hand towards the center of the table, an explosion rocks the house from outside. Jack, Tony, Moss and Buchanan all run outside.

Outside of the house, the pizza deliver car is flipped over, on fire. Janis is covering her naked body with her hands. Renee is dragging the delivery guy out of the wreckage.

BUCHANAN: Agent Walker, you secure the area. We're going to need the fire department to handle this mess. Tony, Jack- grab as many pizzas as you can, preferably those not covered in burning gasoline. Let's get back inside. And Janis... please stop being naked.

MOSS: Renee, are you ok? (touches her shoulder)

RENEE: Let's put "Sensitive Larry" on ice and try to save this pizza guy, deal?

A few minutes later, Jack, Tony and Bill return to the card table. Chloe stares at Jack, hinting at a problem.

EMERSON: I trust nobody is dead.

JACK: Not yet, Emerson. Your bet.

EMERSON: All-in.

JACK: You were about to fold before the pizza guy exploded. Now you're going all-in? What are you up to?

Emerson flips over his cards and shows a pair of tens.

CHLOE: Jack, he's holding a four-of-a-kind. (tapping her keyboard) He has a 95% chance of win--

JACK: Dammit, Chloe, I know! TONY, PUT DOWN THAT BEER!

EMERSON: You saying I cheated? You can't prove anything, Bauer.

TONY: Jack, Emerson treated me like a brother when I thought I had nobody else. He wouldn't cheat at cards.

JACK: Tony, I'm getting tired of this brotherhood talk. Your buddy here says he's British but have you even bothered to listen to his accent? He's from Trenton, New Jersey. Chloe, explain to Tony what Emerson just pulled.

CHLOE (with her laptop walks over and puts it on the table). Surveillance footage shows Emerson swapped out his cards when you ran outside. (to Emerson) Sorry, but you're a lousy cheater.

TONY: You have surveillance cameras in your house, Bill?

BUCHANAN: Karen and I have a... blog.

EMERSON: Don't act so surprised, Bauer. You were thinking of folding too. But then you and Tony started hugging on the floor and he whispered something to you. I just couldn't figure out your play. And that's when you went all-in.

BUCHANAN: Is that true, Jack?

JACK: Tony whispered "Deep Dish" to me, which is code for off-suited cards with no pairs. Look, I have to make decisions that you may not agree with. If I folded I would be giving a known terrorist the pot he tried to buy with that ridiculous hand. I had an ace-high and I had to act fast.

BUCHANAN: Cheating at cards to stop a terrorist? Jesus, Jack, I think we've crossed the line. (rubs his forehead)

JACK: Don't forget, I shot our old boss and a few other co-workers for the same purpose.

CHLOE: And you tortured your girlfriend and killed her husband and--

JACK: Dammit, Chloe, just do your job!

Tony drinks... twice.

BUCHANAN: Alright, game's over until next week. And please, let's try to play a complete hand for once. What do you say we order Chinese next time?

JACK: You son of a bitch!

Tony drinks AGAIN!

BUCHANAN: Oh Jack, I'm sorry-- I forgot...

THE END.

THE REAL WORLD: CTU

"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to work at the Central Terrorist Unit, fight terrorism together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when federal law enforcement employees stop being polite, and start getting real. THE REAL WORLD: CTU- Los Angeles!"

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't want you to alert the others, but apparently somebody here has eaten the rest my peanut butter.

CHLOE: You mean there's a traitor inside CTU?

BUCHANAN: Affirmative. You're the only person I can trust- I need you to go through the old confessional booth records and find out if anyone has admitted their guilt.

CHLOE: Mr. Buchanan, those records are above even your security clearance.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't have time for your personality disorder. I gave you a direct order- access the confessional booth records and tell me what you find.

CHLOE: Okay! (rolls her eyes)

Meanwhile, in the CTU hot tub...

MORRIS: So, who do you think is the mole this season?

MILO: Dude, what are you talking about?

MORRIS: Haven't you ever seen this show? Every year the producers like to put a mole into THE REAL WORLD: CTU. They're usually some whacko fundamentalist or something like that. Say, did you happen to see if they stocked the fridge with beer?

MILO: No, man. Maybe you should worry about finding terrorists more than your next drink.

MORRIS: I don't have a bloody drinking problem!

MILO: Whatever, dude. Hey, have you seen that new chick, Nadia? More like "Hottie-A!"

MORRIS: Christ, you wonder why I need a drink working with you...

Back in Buchanan's office/skater half-tube, Chloe enters and her face is grim. Bill gets off his skateboard.

BUCHANAN: What have you got?

CHLOE: It's not good. I have video proof that Nadia was the one that ate your peanut butter. She admits it on a confessional tape. Did you know she's also a Muslim Republican?

BUCHANAN: How could I be so careless... the hot ones are always the mole. (Buchanan removes his skater helmet) Okay, here's what we do. Find Jack and have him come back here to do the interrogation.

CHLOE: What about Rick Burke?

BUCHANAN: Burke's too unstable. We found a hair-doll in his locker with Nadia's face pasted on it. DNA results confirm that the hair used was from Nadia, probably collected from the women's shower.

Chloe visibly shivers.

BUCHANAN: For your own good, I'd keep from looking at Burke's confessional videos. Now hurry and get Jack back to CTU.

Chloe exits.

Meanwhile, on the road Jack is driving through Southern California. His cell phone rings.

JACK: Bauer.

CHLOE: Jack, it's Chloe. Buchanan needs you to return to CTU. We have to interrogate a suspect... Jack, it looks like we have a mole.

JACK: Copy that. What's the damage assessment?

CHLOE: Buchanan's peanut butter jar has been compromised.

JACK: Dammit, we can't keep losing resources like that! Who's the suspect?

CHLOE: Nadia Yasser. I have video of her admitting to taking the peanut butter from a confessional booth recording.

JACK: Was it creamy or chunky, Chloe?

CHLOE: I don't know, I have to check.

JACK: I'm on my way into CTU right now.

CHLOE: Okay, Jack. Hurry!

Back at CTU, Nadia is already in the interrogation room. Rick Burke walks by and notices.

BURKE: Bingo! I got to get my kit!

Jack walks into CTU. Chloe jumps up from her desk to meet him.

JACK: Is everything set up?

CHLOE: Jack, we have a problem. I ran the video through a filter- it's a fake.

JACK: What?

CHLOE: Somebody forged the video to make it look like Nadia ate Buchanan's peanut butter.

Buchanan skates over to Jack and Chloe.

BUCHANAN: What's going on?

JACK: Sweet board, Bill.

BUCHANAN: Thanks, dude. So, what's wrong?

JACK: Somebody has set up Nadia. The confessional tape was a forgery. Where is she?

BUCHANAN: In interrogation room #2. Let's go.

In interrogation room #2, Burke has already started his interrogation. Nadia is strapped down to a chair.

BURKE: Do you love me, Nadia?

NADIA: What the hell am I doing in here?

BURKE: I ask the questions, baby. Do you like veal scallopini? Kenny G? Are you a Libra?

Jack enters with Chloe and Buchanan.

JACK: Burke! Drop the needle!

BURKE: Nuts to that!

JACK: We will vote you out of the house, I swear to you!

BURKE: She's mine, Jack. Little, sweet Nadia, you're all mine.

JACK: Burke, we know the video is a fake. You set this up to get Nadia in your chair. That is so not cool!

BURKE: It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing can separate us.

Milo and Morris enter in their speedos.

JACK: Okay, I warned you, Burke. House vote! Who wants Burke to leave CTU?

They all raise their hands, Nadia just nods her head.

BURKE: Whatever, dudes. This house is lame anyway, I'm outtie.

Burke leaves.

NADIA: Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?

JACK: Nadia, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal ag-

NADIA: I know who you are, Jack! You don't have to keep saying that line!

JACK: Okay, well stop being such a bitch! Bill, I'm going back out into the field.

BUCHANAN: If you say so. Now, can somebody tell me where's my f&@%ing peanut butter?

DINK-DANK-DINK-DANK-DINK!

The Jack Sack Presents: William Shakespeare's BAUER

Below is a portion of this week's episode of Twenty-Four, adapted for the stage by William Shakespeare.

The Players:
Lord Jack Bauer, Knight of the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Princess Marilyn Bauer, recently widowed heiress to the Bauer kingdom
King Phillip Bauer, Villainous defense contractor and father to Lord Jack
Handmaiden Chloe O'Brian, a lady in waiting
Lord Bill Buchanan, Chief Constable of the Counter Terrorist Unit
Morris O'Brian, an electronic-blacksmith

Castle CTU, 3:07PM

MORRIS
O' I am fortune's fool!
My spirit, it doth suffer
And 'tis the taste of spirits
That my dry lips crave!

CHLOE
Where the day hath just begun
Thou hast no need for such bile
I have no other but a woman's reason
Which tac teams need like a dagger to strike!

Enter Chief Constable Bill Buchanan

BUCHANAN
Handmaiden, finish the assault vectors if you please
Whilst thou and Morris are content to gossip
Dost thou not feel thine cold hard stare?

CHLOE
Apologies, kind sir!

MORRIS
Now go we in content
To do our work, Constable sir!

Buchanan exits.

CHLOE
Morris, your breeze is tainted
If thou trust in thine Altoids
Trust in several bits more

MORRIS
Indeed!

Meanwhile, at a lodge in Los Angeles, 3:11PM
Lord Jack and Princess Marilyn have just evaded certain death.

MARILYN
Something is rotten in the State of California
O, beware my lord of the King, your father
That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity
Thine father hath cut a line of blood on this day

JACK
The King, my father is the villainous one?
The man that hath no music in himself
Dammit!

MARILYN
Graem, my husband, your brother
I hath warned him
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent
How is he now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, DEAD!

JACK
He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a Defense Contractor

(the cell phone rings, Jack answers)

JACK
Bauer.

PHILLIP
My son, let us end this charade!

JACK
Indeed, father. Come, let's away to prison
We two alone will sing!

PHILLIP
Nothing can come from nothing
The play's the thing, and I have one here
Ask Marilyn how she wants me to cut thine son
My dagger awaits the whisper from her lips!

JACK
Your highness, the quality of mercy is not strained!
Let us attempt an exchange, a Bauer for a Bauer
Turn the grandson into the son
I follow Josh to serve my turn upon him

PHILLIP
O happy dagger!
We have terms, my son
Leave thine swords and glocks behind
For I am constant as the northern star
By the pricking of my thumbs
Treachery will be met with Josh's blood.

(Jack ends the call)

JACK
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

MARILYN
Jack, before we venture forth
I must tell you of my heart
Whilst thou toiled in China
I yearned for this day where
Journeys end in lovers meeting.

JACK
Indeed, some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
But what of Graem? Has that name no meaning to you?

MARILYN
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
Graem claimed dominion over Josh
My one true treasure in this world

JACK
Come, shall we not speak to fresh ghosts' faces
Whilst the clock ticks, beating its drum
And the long day's task is not yet done
Let us venture to the exchange with King Phillip.

MARILYN
Shall we meet under the moon's gaze again?

JACK
Let us dwell not on these thoughts, m'lady
For battle awaits us now
Oh, my kingdom for a hacksaw!

Exeunt.

Take Home Chef: Bauer-ized!

"Take Home Chef" is a half-hour reality cooking show on TLC, starring Curtis Stone. In each episode, Stone introduces himself to a stranger in a grocery store, typically a woman in her 20s or 30s, and Stone offers his services to help cook dinner for her and someone special that night. They drive to the participant's house, cook the meal, and then surprise the participant's partner or guest upon their arrival.

Tonight, Chef Stone picks the wrong girl- Kim Bauer.

CURTIS STONE: Hey, I'm Curtis Stone. I'm dashing out to the market to pick someone up, go back to their place and cook an amazing meal, then surprise someone special... Let's go!

In the market...

STONE: Pardon me, miss, I couldn't help but notice you're shopping for groceries, are you cooking a meal tonight for someone special?

KIM BAUER: Umm, who do you work for?

STONE: Pardon, miss? Oh, the camera crew? Yes, I'm the host of a television show where I meet someone such as yourself in a market and offer to cook a gourmet meal for you and someone special. Are you interested?

KIM: Well, I don't know if that's a good idea. My father is kind of stressed out and I don't think-

STONE: What's your name?

KIM: (nervously pulling hair behind her left ear) Kim. Kim Bauer.

STONE: You're cooking dinner for your father, Kim? (Kim nods) Well, let me help you make the most fantastic meal your father has ever had the pleasure of having. Does your father like to eat?

KIM: Actually, I don't think I've ever seen him finish a whole meal...

STONE: Then we must make a meal he shall never forget! Come, let's go back to your place and start cooking!

Back at Kim's apartment...

STONE: Do you know what time your father is expected to come home?

KIM: He's likely to show up at any second or not at all. Let me call him and make sure he comes at dinnertime. (picks up phone, dials) Yeah, Dad, it's Kim. No, no, everything is all right... no, Daddy, no cougars. Listen, are we still on for dinner tonight? I'm cooking something special for you, so please make sure you get here at 5 sharp, okay? Bye, Dad.

Three hours later...

STONE: Well, here we are, we have the leg of lamb roasting in the oven and the timer is set to go off in a few minutes, and Kim and I are enjoying a bottle of wine-- relaxing is always the hardest part of cooking! So, tell me Kim, what's the special occasion for your father's dinner tonight?

KIM: Well, after thinking he was dead for two years, my father reappeared about 20 months ago only to disappear again after he was abducted by the Chinese government. He just got back from China today. So, basically I haven't had a sit-down meal with my dad for nearly five years.

STONE: Holy sh-

(The phone rings, Kim answers)

KIM: Hey, Dad. (pause) What? No, nobody's here. I swear, I'm here alone, cooking us dinner. No, Daddy, I'm not in a "flank-2" position. (sighs) Dad, can we just have a normal dinner for once? Okay, I'll see you in a bit. (hangs up phone. Looks to Stone) Are you okay?

STONE: Um, perhaps we should wrap this up, ya know, I think maybe we've taken up too much of your time, Kim. (whispers to camera crew) We need to get the Hell out of here!

(A car door closes outside)

KIM: Oh my God, he's here!

STONE: DAMMIT! How did he get here so fast?

KIM: I don't think he ever left for work. Sometimes he says he's at work but he just stakes out my house all day.

STONE: Kim, what's about to go down here?

(The front door to the apartment comes crashing down, rushing in is Jack Bauer)

JACK: DROP THE PAPRIKA! DO IT!!!

(Before Stone can even move, Jack is vaulting through the kitchen and has him pinned on the floor)

JACK: Who do you work for? (Stone is stuttering, unable to speak) I don't have time for this! (puts his pistol to Stone's head) I'm going to ask you one last time... WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!?!

(The oven timer goes "bing!" Jack unloads his clip into the oven)

JACK: What was that?

KIM: Dinner. Leg of lamb, Daddy.

JACK: Leg of lamb? (growls at Stone) You listen to me, the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't feel like carving that thing. You have two minutes to take every single slug out of that lamb, do you copy that? (Stone is weeping, unable to speak) My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I give you my word, no harm will come to you if you get this meal finished in time.

STONE: (sniffles) I- yes, sir, I copy that.

JACK: Good. (looks at the bullet-ridden oven) Let me know if you need a hacksaw.