Showing posts with label Graem Bauer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Graem Bauer. Show all posts

Monday, May 18, 2009

24 Season 7: 6AM-8AM- The Finale Quick Review


Alright, gang this is the end of Season 7. What have we learned?

1) Tony is not "evil." He intended to take down Alan Wilson, the man responsible for the deaths of his wife, Michelle, and his unborn son (and David Palmer). This is the same man who helped orchestrate the Bluetooth group, Philip and Graem Bauer and Commander-in-Thief Charles Logan. This is a lot to learn in one episode. Something tells me we'll be chewing on the remainders of this revelation next season too. But back to Tony- he plotted to take down Wilson but apparently Jack Bauer made things complicated.

If we're to take Tony's plan seriously, we have to look back at how this would have played out had Bauer never intervened. Jonas Hodges was acquiring the bioweapon on behalf of Alan Wilson. Wilson and the group intended on deploying the weapon in several months. To that end, I think Tony's actions to infiltrate the group make some degree of sense. But Tony had to prove his worth to Wilson before he could get close to him, and that required that he steal the CIP device, wreak havoc around the country and personally kill several FBI agents along the way. Whatever the justification, Tony has truly fallen. His primary goal wasn't to prevent further deaths by Wilson, but to get right in the man's face and have his revenge. Tony will likely get the death penalty for his crimes. In the real world, he would never see freedom again.

But thankfully his motives make perfect sense given the losses he's suffered. His actions are that of a man who is numb to the world and those people who were once close to him. When you have nothing to lose, as Tony said last week, what is there to hold you back from doing whatever is necessary to see out your own goals? So, no- they didn't ruin Almeida's character at all. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. And the Imam's words with Jack Bauer could have just as easily been spoken to Tony:
"We live in complex times... nothing is black and white. But I do know this- I see before me a man, with all his flaws and all his goodness... simply a man. Let us both forgive ourselves for all of the wrongs we have done."
Redemption comes from within, that's a major theme of this season.

2) Kim Bauer saved Jack Bauer. Kim, under attack at the airport, personally managed to save herself and track down the laptop one of the hitmen was carrying which led the FBI to Tony's secret hiding spot. Because Kim acted so courageously, she helped prevent Jack being used as a human hand grenade on Wilson. And at the end, she was able to give her stem cells to Dr. Macer for the experimental treatment that we all know will succeed for next season. Kim, you're a Bauer all the way.

3) Renee Walker is cut from the same kevlar as Jack. Renee and Jack had an interesting scene before Bauer is wheeled away to the hospital. She seeks advice from Jack on how to handle things moving forward. All season long, we've seen that Walker is an impulsive person, taking risks that she rationally knows are wrong. But she's also smart, capable and fearless (that "tuck 'n roll" during the shootout is a classic moment!). She's proven to be one of the best characters the writers have conjured in years. This season wins for Walker alone- and I look forward to her next character arc next season (and to learn what eventually happened in the interrogation room with Wilson).

4) Tim Woods hides under coffee tables. I'm sorry, but Secretary of Ubiquitousness
Tim Woods was in 80% of this season. Timmy was in Season 7 more than Chloe O'Brian! I hope that Tim Woods finds a private sector job as Ryan Seacrest's shadow for next season.

5) Agent Aaron Pierce is Deep Throat. The legendary Secret Service Agent put on his Nancy Drew slacks this season and helped to uncover the plot by Olivia Taylor to kill Jonas Hodges. I'm not sure how that will play out- I imagine politics may allow President Taylor to make a public case that Hodges was a scumbag of the highest order, creating some public sympathy for Olivia. But the catalyst, the key player in it all was Pierce. Had he not intervened, Olivia would have walked. I was pleased by Pierce's pivotal role.

6) Jack is in a better place now. No, Jack didn't die! Watching tonight's finale, I was thinking of the scene Jack had with Secretary Heller at the end of Season 6, where Heller tells Jack he's poisonous. I don't think that version of Jack exists anymore. Now, Jack has arrived at a place that only imminent death could have provided. I rolled my eyes at the "Jack is going to die" plot for a few weeks because we all know Jack is back next season. But what the writers did was use this plot to help Jack resolve some of those issues he was left with at the end of Season 6. This is great character work by the showrunners. I look forward to this new, reborn Jack next season. We've had the human weapon to entertain us for years. But let's see some growth here, please? This season has provided the perfect platform for that to happen.

I enjoyed the finale- I found it interesting, less action-packed than I expected, but the acting was very impressive. I like these characters a lot (except for Woods, but you know what I mean). I think the new "family" that Season 7 built is interesting and breathes new life into the show. Overall, this season was the show's redemption, in addition to Bauer's rebirth. Let's hope they don't regress next season. I highly doubt they will.

PS Stay tuned, I'm putting together another video that will be ready in a few hours (hopefully). I give you my word, it's going to make you giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy on crack.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I am Jack's unleashed anger

Remember those old 8mm movies from junior high in health class-- "I am Jack's heart", "I am Jack's liver", etc.? The movies were simple, straightforward "inside" views into some poor butter-addicted, chain-smoking, alcoholic guy who had every health ailment known to the common middle-aged man. Here at The Jack Sack, we're taking an in-depth view of what Jack Bauer's feeling up until right now. His internal monologue is... disturbing. CAUTION: Keep small children and any petite-sized house pets away from what is about to follow:

"'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow subma-' woah, is that Curtis? Dude owes me ten bucks, I gotta remember to bring that up later on."

"You try going 18 months without White Castle, fella. Sorry I ate your carotid artery."

"I lost my condo, my daughter, my wife, my friends Tony, Michelle and David. And to top it off, you stole my Linkin Logs when we were kids, Graem."

"Chuck, right about now, you're as popular as Don Imus on 125th Street. And you're wearing the same clothes too. Oddly, I have no anger towards you at this moment... but that will change."

"I killed Curtis, my dad killed my brother, my sister-in-law is still hot and wants me, I'm wearing a finely tailored suit from a crooked former president, I'm bleeding internally and now, NOW THEY TELL ME AUDREY IS DEAD? (deep breath) 'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow-' DAMMMMMMIT!!!!!!!"

AND NOW THAT THE SEASON IS ABOUT TO START FOR REAL...

"My name is Jack Bauer. I am a federal agent. I am going to kill every last single one of you bastards. And then I'm going out for sliders with my girlfriend, Audrey. Copy that, a@#holes?"

Monday, April 02, 2007

Play Ball!!!

First, let me apologize for the unscheduled hiatus I took here at The Jack Sack. It was an abnormally busy week and the free hours needed to write articles disappeared faster than you can say "COPY THAT!" The dust from last week has settled and everything is back in order, so if there are any of you left out there, thanks for your patience.

In other news, today is the first full-fledged day of the new baseball season! In honor of (the not-quite-dead) Tony Almeida, I present you with an image of "Cubby," the Chicago Cubs Mug that was orphaned when terrorists working for former President Logan and Graem Bauer, attacked Tony and Michelle at their suburban home. While Cubby knows that Chicago will never win the World Series, he still holds out hope that his friend Tony will come home.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Jack Sack Presents: William Shakespeare's BAUER

Below is a portion of this week's episode of Twenty-Four, adapted for the stage by William Shakespeare.

The Players:
Lord Jack Bauer, Knight of the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Princess Marilyn Bauer, recently widowed heiress to the Bauer kingdom
King Phillip Bauer, Villainous defense contractor and father to Lord Jack
Handmaiden Chloe O'Brian, a lady in waiting
Lord Bill Buchanan, Chief Constable of the Counter Terrorist Unit
Morris O'Brian, an electronic-blacksmith

Castle CTU, 3:07PM

MORRIS
O' I am fortune's fool!
My spirit, it doth suffer
And 'tis the taste of spirits
That my dry lips crave!

CHLOE
Where the day hath just begun
Thou hast no need for such bile
I have no other but a woman's reason
Which tac teams need like a dagger to strike!

Enter Chief Constable Bill Buchanan

BUCHANAN
Handmaiden, finish the assault vectors if you please
Whilst thou and Morris are content to gossip
Dost thou not feel thine cold hard stare?

CHLOE
Apologies, kind sir!

MORRIS
Now go we in content
To do our work, Constable sir!

Buchanan exits.

CHLOE
Morris, your breeze is tainted
If thou trust in thine Altoids
Trust in several bits more

MORRIS
Indeed!

Meanwhile, at a lodge in Los Angeles, 3:11PM
Lord Jack and Princess Marilyn have just evaded certain death.


MARILYN
Something is rotten in the State of California
O, beware my lord of the King, your father
That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity
Thine father hath cut a line of blood on this day

JACK
The King, my father is the villainous one?
The man that hath no music in himself
Dammit!

MARILYN
Graem, my husband, your brother
I hath warned him
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent
How is he now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, DEAD!

JACK
He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a Defense Contractor

(the cell phone rings, Jack answers)

JACK
Bauer.

PHILLIP
My son, let us end this charade!

JACK
Indeed, father. Come, let's away to prison
We two alone will sing!

PHILLIP
Nothing can come from nothing
The play's the thing, and I have one here
Ask Marilyn how she wants me to cut thine son
My dagger awaits the whisper from her lips!

JACK
Your highness, the quality of mercy is not strained!
Let us attempt an exchange, a Bauer for a Bauer
Turn the grandson into the son
I follow Josh to serve my turn upon him

PHILLIP
O happy dagger!
We have terms, my son
Leave thine swords and glocks behind
For I am constant as the northern star
By the pricking of my thumbs
Treachery will be met with Josh's blood.

(Jack ends the call)

JACK
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

MARILYN
Jack, before we venture forth
I must tell you of my heart
Whilst thou toiled in China
I yearned for this day where
Journeys end in lovers meeting.

JACK
Indeed, some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
But what of Graem? Has that name no meaning to you?

MARILYN
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
Graem claimed dominion over Josh
My one true treasure in this world

JACK
Come, shall we not speak to fresh ghosts' faces
Whilst the clock ticks, beating its drum
And the long day's task is not yet done
Let us venture to the exchange with King Phillip.

MARILYN
Shall we meet under the moon's gaze again?

JACK
Let us dwell not on these thoughts, m'lady
For battle awaits us now
Oh, my kingdom for a hacksaw!

Exeunt.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Jack Sack Dictionary: "Hold your mud!"

As Graem Bauer begins to realize his dad is going to kill him, he assures his father that he won't break under interrogation by dropping one of my new all-time favorite lines: "I'll hold my mud, Dad."

With images of adult diapers in my mind, I squirmed in my seat, but it really was a remarkable thing to say in the face of imminent death. Accordingly Graem's parting attempt at being a badass belongs in the "24" quote Hall of Fame.

And for you reference-geeks, click here for the Urban Dictionary definition.

Monday, February 05, 2007

"Goodnight, Sweet Prince" R.I.P. Graem Bauer

The Bluetooth™ eulogizes his friend, Graem Bauer

Graem was a good conspirator, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and conspiring, and as an executive he secured defense contracts with all branches of the nation's military- from the Army to the Navy and... up to... the Coast Guard. He died, like so many young conspirators of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young conspirators like Nina Myers, Marianne Taylor and Walt Cummings. These young conspirators gave their lives. And so would Graem. Graem, who loved defense contracts. And so, Graem "Gray" Bauer, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of a cruise missile warhead, which you sold to the government so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

h/t The Big Lebowski

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Graem Bauer: "I ain't no Luke Brower!"

Some people view the addition of Jack Bauer's brother, Graem, with a bit of skepticism. Last season, Graem, a then-unnamed Bluetooth™-wearing villain, was nothing more than a vague mystery. Now, during Day 6, it has been revealed that Graem is indeed Jack's brother. Some viewers see Graem's relation to Jack as a little bit too convenient. Well, in the spirit of breaking the "fourth-wall" here is a response from brother Graem:

During my celibate twenties, one of my all-time favorite shows was Alan Thicke's sitcom "Growing Pains" about a couple raising a bunch of precocious kids in comfy suburbia. Alan Thicke was the father I wish I had- a therapist who listened to his kids, who showed them attention and gave them love (you reading this, Dad?). For years, this was the best thing on television. I never missed an episode (little secret: I was totally crushing on Tracey Gold- what, like you weren't? ) Anyway, during the last season of the show, "Growing Pains" desperately introduced a new character, a troubled teen named Luke Brower. The idea was that Luke would keep the whole Seaver clan on their toes with his juvenile delinquency and cute smile. But, in the end, he was just a product of lazy writing- a cheap (and failed) way to boost the ratings. Now some of you think I'm also some sort of gimmick, but I'm here to tell you: I ain't no Luke Brower.

Nope, I want you to see me as Dawn Summers, sister to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I'm the sibling that's always been there but who was busy doing other stuff in prior seasons. And the more you get to know me, the more you'll want to see me be the real star of the show! I'm fresh! I'm putting more Bauer into the Power Hour! Doesn't that excite you folks? What makes Jack so great? Last time I checked, he was being burned with battery acid in a Chinese prison! And his wife is dead! (Damn, I love saying that!) The difference between Jack and me is that I control Presidents, while Jack wears a purse. You tell me who's the bigger man! But no, you're all just like my miserable family- they all LOVE Jack-- Dad, my wife... and my "son," Josh.

However you feel about me right now, I know you're all going to love me soon enough. I'm not a desperate ploy by writers who have run out of ideas-- I'm the next big thing! Before the day is done, you're all going to forget about Jack Bauer. "The Jack Sack" fad is coming to an end, people. They're going to have to change the name of this blog to "The Bluetooth™ Bauer!"

This message was brought to you by Poochie of "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie."

Monday, January 29, 2007

An Open Letter From Graem Bauer to His Father, Phillip

Dictated to a Palm Treo via a Bluetooth™ headset device:

Hi Dad,

You could say this letter is a few years overdue. Sometimes life happens so fast you don't know what's what until the dust settles. And you've always been busy with your stuff too, so I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, I hope you understand.

Dad, I sometimes get the feeling like you and Mom never really wanted me. I know, you love me and all, but I don't know if you ever really liked me. Is this about you and Jack? Yeah, it is! Growing up, all I ever heard about was "Jack blew up this bad guy, Jack saved us from that disaster," etc. You always talked about Jack like you were proud of him. With me it was "Graem, you're 13 years old, why are you going bald?" Or "Graem, why can't you meet hot, easy women like your brother Jack?" Well, it wasn't easy, Dad. When Jack ran off to become a superhero, I was the one the one who stayed behind to run the family business with you. Not once did you give me a little recognition, not even after I made President Logan my personal manservant a couple of years ago. I would tell Logan the exact words to say on the phone and they'd come right out of his mouth on T.V. Remember I even had the President call you and sing "Happy Birthday"? All I wanted to hear from you was "Graem, I'm SO proud of you, controlling the President like a puppet!" THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM YOU!

And to think, Jack has been out of the picture for 9 years now and it's like he's still here, taunting me behind your back. Come on, Dad, you named the fucking pig after him! And now, the pig is laughing at me! Well, that pig is on the next slow-boat to China. Do you know what they do to pigs out there?

I bet you're laughing at this letter. You're probably thinking "Wow, my son Graem is a real pansy-ass." Well, I don't know what else I have to do to prove that I'm a man, but whatever it takes, whoever I gotta kill (including you!), just know that before the day is done, you're going to be proud of me.

Oh, I almost forgot, Marilyn is cooking a brisket tonight. I'll see you at the house at 6pm.

Love,

Graem

Friday, January 26, 2007

The "other" Jack Sack wishes to speak... (yikes).

In addition to learning of Jack's villainous brother, Graem, last week's episode introduced us to Jack's so-called nephew, Josh. Everyone, including Graem, seems to agree that the kid is probably Jack's (See a preceding scene with Jack's brother and wife, Marilyn: "Honey, remember when you used to shtupp my brother?") Before we speculate on this matter any further, here is a message from an authority on this issue... the "other" Jack Sack...

Let's cut to the chase: the kid is my work.

You know, I would be happy to give you all the details, but my memory is totally shot after that 20-month all-expense paid trip to Hell that some of you know as China... where balls go to die.

But back to this kid situation. I went through some old photos to see if anything would jog my memory and I found this picture which pretty much tells the whole story. Here we have Jack being social and drunk, and me sitting there, bored out of my skin. I asked Jack if I could get some reading light, I was doing a crossword puzzle, and the guy was just drunk enough to oblige. And somehow, when I wasn't looking, he drunk-dialed his sister-in-law, Marilyn and the rest is a mix of Peach Schnapps and Byran Adams tapes. I know the story could be better, but remember that I'm just learning how to function again. And typing was never easy for me, even before China!

Ah, but look at the boy. It's amazing how something so soft and cuddly could come from such a tormented night. Folks, that's the miracle of life!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

NEW CONTRIBUTOR- The Bluetooth!™

"The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist." - Some bad guy

It is I, The Bluetooth™, the greatest criminal mind of our time!

Welcome to my personal area network of evil (PANE!). I'm proud to say that the death, the assassinating, the chaos-- that's all me baby. You were thinking that bald, insecure and sexually ineffective man in the picture was the real bad guy, right? The truth is that Graem "The Cracker" Bauer is a nobody, he's simply my vessel-- the meek exterior for my superior intellect! It really is quite simple, I speak and Graem obeys my command. Pretty sneaky, no? I told you I was a criminal mastermind.

Have I said too much? Well, since your country has already lost, it couldn't hurt to let you in on the whole enterprise. The Bluetooth™ Consortium is the latest incarnation of an international cabal controlling human events for the past several centuries. Daniel Brown's silly tome "The DaVinci Code" touched on one of our older brand names, the Illuminati, which was a smashing success. However, modern times call for fresh business models. And the current plot is really quite brilliant in its simplicity: we spent money lobbying your corruptible politicians to pass "public safety" legislation requiring motorists to use "hands-free" phone devices over the past several years. As each state has enacted these laws, Bluetooth™ wireless devices have become commonplace, controlling your every action. We seek hosts that have access to money and who hold positions of power. Statistically, that skews our demographic to pale white men. Of course a few lucky ones get the real good assignments.

But me? I get "Fredo" Bauer, the one host no other Bluetooth™ wanted. Do you want to know the worst part about being his headset? Taking baths with him. Yep, Graem is completely scared of drowning in the bathtub, so I gotta stay on his ear the whole time. People, bathtime is second only to his "lovemaking" as the single most depressing routine I have ever witnessed.

Headquarters tells us not to get too close to our hosts, but I admit to looking at his journal. People... it's really bad. When Graem turned 16, he got a Commodore 64 computer while his brother, Jack Bauer, got a Corvette. And I am not certain, but I think Graem's first sexual experience was with a horse, as he speaks of feeling "naughty" when he watches the Kentucky Derby. All of this is enough to ruin a man's production of testosterone.

And now, big brother Jack has come to beat the snot out of the poor bastard. As you all know, Graem obeys my every command. So, remember that line where he dissed Jack's dead wife? Hehehe, yep, my idea! I know, I know, it wasn't nice but I'm evil! Seeing Jack maul his little brother is a lot more fun than watching another afternoon of CNBC. I keep telling him: "Little man, Bluetooth™ is the only stock you need to buy!"

Wait a sec... I COMMAND YOU ALL TO DO THE SAME!

(Note: For best results, it is suggested that this article be read aloud and in a British accent)