Thursday, January 15, 2009

Metropolitan Police Dept.: "Our Crime Rates Have Suddenly Spiked", Blames Jack Bauer

Metropolitan Police Department Spokesman Sgt. Edgar Deaks has just made a statement insisting that D.C. residents stay indoors for the next 24 hours.

Even for the crime-hardened city, Sgt. Deaks explains "(r)eal-time statistics that we've gathered show an unprecedented rise in criminal activity, which can be directly attributed to the presence of former Federal Agent Jack Bauer." Specifically, assaults, resisting arrest and illegal possession of a firearm has risen 92%, murder is up 319% and flying cars without a license is up 1,000,000%.

Confused MPD officials are reaching out to the Los Angeles Police for any guidance they may have to offer, having survived several prior "Bauer Events" in recent years. An unnamed source at the MPD told us of his concerns: "Are you [expletive deleted] kidding me? Bauer was in L.A. when that nuke went off! On the plus-side, I'm gonna make enough overtime to put two of my kids through college. Go, Jack go!" Even D.C.'s most hardened criminals are impressed: one Vatos Locos member said "Jack is a straight pimp- tell him he's always got a job waiting for him with us. We don't care if he's PO-lice."

Again, if you have no immediate need to leave your home or office, please remain indoors until the Bauer Event has subsided. Sgt. Deaks remains optimistic, saying "Generally, these things last no more than 24 hours, which is strangely uniform for something so chaotic."


Rickey said...

Brilliant. You had Rickey at "flying cars without a license."

That makes Rickey wonder--does Bauer still have a working driver's license? Wouldn't it have expired sometime between Day 6 and Day 7?

Peter said...

I think you mean residents of DC should stay inside for the next 20 hours.

TheJackSack said...

Well, these are government employees, Peter. We cannot hold them to their math skills. Have you filed taxes recently? Sheesh!

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