Renee Walker Tracks Down a Rare DVD- A "24" Picture Book!

The Jack Sack's tradition of translating "24" into fun adventures for the whole family continues!

"Honey, maybe we can stay in tonight and rent a movie. I really want to see 'The Love Guru.'"
"Henry, I can order a tactical nuke strike at any given moment for no reason at all. Are you sure you want to fuck with me right now?"
"The Ambassador to France said she loved it, come on!"
"If you weren't such a tiger in the sack... okay. Call it in."


"Hello, Library of Congress? Yes, this is the First Gentleman. I'm calling for a copy of the 2008 comedy hit 'The Love Guru.' (pause) You don't have a copy? (pause) Get it from Mike Meyers? You kidding me?!"


"Hey, manservant! Call the FBI- we need to track down comic-actor Mike Meyers. My romantic evening with the President has just gone critical."

Minutes later...


"Yeah, it's confirmed. Paramount Pictures ordered the destruction of all copies of the movie shortly after its release. They even hired a group of ex-military elites to eliminate Mike Meyers."
"You think they would have done the deed after 'The Cat in the Hat.' Alright, we need to get this guy right away!"


"Bauer, you and Agent Walker have your orders- get the DVD from Mike Meyers- torture him if you have to."
"Like make that prick watch his own movies?"

In the car...


"Jack, how do we find Mike Meyers?"
"Follow the trail of people not laughing."
"Was- uh was that a joke?"
"It's the last good one you're gonna hear all morning."

At last, they get their man:

"Mike Meyers, I'm Special Agent Renee Walker with the FBI. We're here to take you into protective custody. We will also need you to bring the last remaining copy of 'The Love Guru' with you."
"NO WAY!"

"Way."

"Hey Meyers, I heard your wife dumped your ass and took all your money."
"Wait a minute, that means I'm single again. OH BEHAVE!"
"Jack, don't encourage him... he's really annoying the shit out of me."


"Before I give you the last copy of my movie, I want to know why you've come to get it. Are you going to destroy 'The Love Guru' like the others?"

"I think your screenplay did a pretty good job of that already."

"All I have to say is 'assphinctersayswhat.'"

(silence)

"Your partner is a babe! She's magically babealicious! In Latin she'd be called 'babeia majora.' If she were president, she would be 'Baberaham Linco-'"

"GIVE ME THE DVD!"

Moments later...

"Jesus, Jack, that was aggravating."
"I didn't think you were going to kill him, Renee."
"Yeah, well I heard 'Austin Powers 4' was in preproduction, I had to act fast."
"Copy THAT!"

Back at the White House:

"Pardon me, Madame President. The FBI just called, they weren't able to get the DVD. And Mike Meyers is... well he's dead, ma'am."
"Good. Get the names of the Agents involved and line them up for Presidential Medals of Freedom. And get me a copy of 'Die Hard 4' for tonight. I gotta do some homework on this crisis."

(Editor's note: This post is part of this year's first Carnival of Bauer!)

24: Season 7 Hours 10AM-12PM Quick Preview (and an Overall Gut-Check).

Before tonight's 2-hour event airs at 8pm on FOX, here are a few pointers to think about while watching (SOME SPOILERS):

1) Pay close attention to Tony: You will learn a lot about what he's been through since he "died" last season. The writers have something interesting at work here- is he good or is he truly bad? I think before the season is over, that question will be up in the air more than once.

2) Janis v. Chloe! I love this setup. Just enjoy the geek-off, it's about as satisfying as "24" can get. I can't wait for them to meet face-to-face after what they go through tonight.

3) Follow the money: First Gentleman Henry Taylor is investigating his son's "suicide" and he is making fast progress in finding some answers. And, of course, there's large sums of money involved that lead to further clues, begging the next question--

4) What's this Sangala meshugaas anyways? Sangala, the fictitious country from 24: Redemption, is the center of the opening hours' plot. Here's what we know:

• Domestic terrorists (under the direction of David Emerson) are aiding Gen. Juma's control of Sangala by stealing a device that hacks the U.S.'s infrastructure systems.
  
• Gen. Juma has sent Col. Dubaku to work with Emerson on U.S. soil (Dubaku was in "Redemption" as the ruthless #2,; Bauer killed his brother at the school). Remember, Dubaku swore revenge against his brother's killer. Bauer v. Dubaku should happen soon.
  
• Prime Minister-in-exile Motobo is working the newly-minted U.S. President, appealing to her idealism in an effort to have her commit U.S. forces to overthrowing Juma and returning the country back to Motobo.
• Jonas Hodges (Jon Voight) has been laundering money through an associate in order to fund Gen. Juma's control of Sangala.
• First Son Roger Taylor was murdered for his knowledge of Hodges involvement.
• There are people within the Taylor Administration that are involved in the murder/cover-up/overall conspiracy.
  

The big question about all of this plotting is "Why?" What's going on in Sengala? What do they have, if anything, that's keeping people like Hodges involved? It can't just be diamonds. And what's Motobo's motives beyond wanting to make his country "free" again? He seems noble, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had some not-so-honorable motives. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION to what Samantha Roth (The First Son's ex) says to Roger Taylor tonight-- there are lots of clues buried there. And...

5) Does F.B.I. stand for Freckled Babe Investigator? Just wondering...


So, there you have it. Enjoy tonight's show, it's going to be very action-packed, I guarantee.