PRESIDENT... SMASH!!!!

After last night's episode, you're probably saying to yourself "Wow, that Wayne fella is some sort of raging Hulk-beast!" (or some variation of that statement, depending on your preferred choice of vernacular). Yes, Wayne Palmer went from Fredo Corleone to Scarface in the span of two minutes, but sometimes a president has to Hulk-out to get things done. Below is a selected handful of events in Presidential history that would have benefited from a similar adrenaline-shot:


President James Madison was one of our finest political minds. He co-wrote the Federalist Papers, the U.S. Constitution and he was about 4'11" tall by most accounts. But as presidents go, Madison was a wimp, getting his tail whipped during the War of 1812. If only he had a physician available to shoot him up with adrenaline when the Brits came to burn the White House, 'ol Hulking Madison would have torn the redcoats limb from limb, thus establishing this young nation's military and political might early in our history. Instead, James Madison wanted to invade Canada! No dice, Jimbo. While you're looking North to the Canucks, the British burned your house down. For shame.

Our next president severely lacking in any manliness was James Buchanan- the man who basically let the Civil War happen. If Gore Vidal were ever elected to the office, he would have behaved precisely as James Buchanan (bet you didn't think you'd ever see a Vidal reference here at The Jack Sack). Wholly unconcerned with the pending war (he referred to the threat of secession as "happily, a matter of but little practical importance") Buchanan traipsed about Washington with his poolboys while the nation tore itself apart. There is no worse president in our history, not by a long shot (Maureen Dowd, if you're reading this, don't even argue with me- and no, I will not marry you). What James Buchanan needed was what he sorely lacked- chutzpah. Our "dandiest" President would be setting out afternoon tea for Fayed and Gredenko if he was the president on "24." If you happen to see James Buchanan's picture in a book, or a museum or wherever, do me a favor and flip him the bird.

Next on our list is a president that I secretly admire- Woodrow Wilson. Wilson had vision, and he was a man with a brilliant mind (At Princeton, he helped establish Political Science as a major, paving the way for beer-drinking intellectual lightweights such as myself for choosing an easy course of study). And Wilson faced a similar set of circumstances as Wayne Palmer- he suffered a medical calamity while serving in office (Wilson suffered from a debilitating stroke). I will not make an "adrenaline shot cures strokes" joke, because 1) it's medically incorrect and 2) I kind of just did by saying I wouldn't. But let's say this magic potion that the writers on "24" call "adrenaline" was able to cure all medical ailments (at least temporarily), what would that have done for Woody? Wilson would have gone to Congress and torn the place to timbers, forcing his Treaty of Versailles through that august body. If Wilson's 14 Points played out like he had hoped, he may very well have helped preserve a peace in Europe, and at the very least kept Adolf Hitler off the international stage. That's not to say that we never would have had a World War II eventually, but we hate Hitler here at The Jack Sack and that's where we keep our focus.

Alas, there was no Hulk-Wilson, Hulk-Buchanan or Hulk-Madison. Here are three presidents that got schooled by their times- and their lack of adrenaline cost us dearly. Wayne Palmer may not be doing the "right thing" from our perspective now, but in looking at past presidents, the alternatives have resulted in a burned down White House, the Civil War and World War II.

Wayne, launch that damn nuke.

Entertainment News: Oliver Stone to Direct "Logan"

Following last night's Academy Awards, controversial director Oliver Stone, known for such films as "JFK," "Nixon" and "Any Given Sunday" officially announced that production will begin on the long-rumored project "Logan." "Logan" will cover the recent controversial events that brought down former President Charles Logan, who left office nearly two years ago.

"It's a story about an average man who comes into power mostly by accident, or more by opportunity," said Mr. Stone in an interview with "The Hollywood Reporter." "Growing up in the 60s, and I saw a lot of this country's innocence dissolve during the Vietnam War, and since that time we have looked at our government with a skeptical gaze. Charles Logan is a fascinating chapter in America's dark, untold history; I want to make sure the whole truth gets out."

The industry has been set abuzz by Stone's all-star cast: Jack Nicholson is set to play Charles Logan, Meryl Streep has been signed to play the former First Lady Martha Logan, Ed Harris is the venerable Chief of Staff Mike Novick, Greg Kinnear will play the enigmatic Walt Cummings and Jamie Foxx has been cast as Wayne Palmer, the man who would later be elected President. Perhaps most controversial is the addition of what many call a "fictional" character, a rogue government agent named "Jake Brauer," who Stone insists is a real person and was instrumental in uncovering President Logan's crimes. Brauer will be played by Charlie Sheen.

Much like his past films about past presidents, "Logan" has already been dismissed for its "dramatic licenses." Stone says he has heard it all before: "I guess I have this big bulls-eye on my back because of who I am, right? Listen, what my film reveals is something the mainstream media has ignored, despite volumes of evidence showing otherwise. Logan was a fall guy, a puppet. There was a whole... I don't even want to use the word "conspiracy" because I know people will laugh, but there was a cabal of American defense contractors, Chechen rebels, Russian expatriates, former Special Forces personnel, and Caspian Oil Interests pushing for a worldwide conflict. They used terrorist attacks on U.S. soil to manipulate geopolitics to their own economic advantage. Luckily they were stopped by a courageous man, someone the government doesn't want us to know about- his name, from what I can gather based on exhaustive research, is Jake Brauer. Two years ago, this man disappeared, so I have no idea what he looks like. He's rumored to be in North Korea, but all attempts I've made with the Koreans to find Brauer have been stonewalled. Our own State Department refuses to help find this great man."

Members of Logan's former administration have refused to comment on Stone's movie, nor has the current Palmer Administration made any statements. It would seem that, yet again, Stone is off in the wilderness, pursuing his own inner demons by way of American history. "I had a... complicated relationship with my father. He sent me away as a young boy and I don't think we ever had a reconciliation before he died. But I don't think that has anything to do with Caspian Oil Interests, so I don't get the point of your question."

We will closely follow this production and give updates as they become available.

Leave Politics = Grow an Ugly Beard!

Last night, we got a chance to catch up with Former President and Liar-in-Chief Charles Logan. How does 'ol Chuck look nowadays? Like an adult film producer living in San Fernando Valley, actually. The once dapper, clean-cut conspirator now sports what has become a signature feature for out-of-work politicos- a scraggly, unkempt beard! Let us examine recent examples of this trend in an attempt to better understand why men who once held power tend to fall back on this facial security-hair-blanket for much-needed comfort when they lose power.

Following the 2000 Presidential election, and the drawn-out fight over Florida's final vote count, former Vice President Al Gore went away for a few months to "mend fences" and go into pseudo-seclusion. When he reappeared, Gore looked like a full-grown Yeti. He was never quite stable in my book, but the man gained 40 lbs and grew out his hair in every single place possible. By contrast, Bill Clinton would have ordered a few hookers and moved on from from defeat. Gore, however, lost his remaining marbles and grew himself an ugly beard.

Flash-forward a couple of years later to the capture of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. Hussein, on the run from Uncle Sam, decided he too would skip all grooming practices since he was out of a job. When he was finally brought into custody after several months of "chillin' wit da peeps," Hussein revealed to the world his version of the "out-of-power" beard. His was white and gray and full-- very impressive in its volume and color variety. Sure, U.S. troops had to check Hussein's beard for any mites, lice, (and weapons of mass destruction) but what skin parasite wouldn't want to live in such a luxurious patch of hair?

While we here at The Jack Sack make fun of these deposed leaders for their poorly executed facial hair, one cannot forget that President Wayne Palmer is IN office and he can't seem to handle a simple goatee! Facial hair is a tricky game. Unless you're a hobo or a Cuban dictator, you're probably not prepared for the consequences of its power. Our advice: Do the smart thing and stay clean-shaven. COPY THAT!

THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP!

ANNOUNCER: From the nation's capital, "The McLaughlin Group", an unrehearsed, unscripted and highly-caffeinated program presenting inside opinions and forecasts on major issues of today.




JOHN McLAUGHLIN: ISSHOOO ONE! L.A. goes KABOOM! The last time Los Angeles was this dangerous to visit was when Courtney Love was let out of rehab for the seventeenth time. Of course, nobody could have predicted that we would be sitting here discussing a thermonuclear event. With thousands dead and many sweet ripe oranges destroyed, the question is: Has President Wayne Palmer's goatee diminished his ability to handle this crisis, I ask you PAT BUCHANAN?

PAT BUCHANAN: John, clearly the goatee is not presidential The last U.S. president to have facial hair was Howard Taft, and I tell you now that Taft would be equally impaired in this crisis as a result.

McLAUGHLIN: So, you're saying that Wayne Palmer is weakened by what you believe is an ill-advised attempt at looking "hip?"

BUCHANAN: Yes, John I--

McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL?!

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL: I think that's plain wrong. Wayne Palmer has served as well as anyone given the circumstances. The facial hair has little effect on our national security posture.

McLAUGHLIN: Have you ever tried to grow facial hair?

O'DONNELL: Yes, in college.

McLAUGHLIN: Were you attempting to suggest a quality of virility to a member of the opposite sex?

O'DONNELL: Yes.

McLAUGHLIN: Did your GPA suffer during that time?

O'DONNELL: I don't rememb--

McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!

ELEANOR CLIFT: Are you asking me if I ever tried to grow facial hair?

McLAUGHLIN: The answer to that question is obvious. It's called bleach, try it sometime!

CLIFT: I don't have to sit here and--

McLAUGHLIN: You have and you will take it! The thesis of the question is proven- facial hair starts out being a novelty soon grows into a full-blown hobby and what's worse it becomes an obsession! I once lost a prized Corgi at the county fair because I was too busy preening my 'stache! ISSHOOO TWO! How does this attack affect the commodities market, specifically the trading value of the now-extinct Valencia Orange, I ask you ELEANOR CLIFT!

CLIFT: I don't know, how expensive are they now?

McLAUGHLIN: You don't know? You don't indulge in the precious, sweet gift that is the orange? Eleanor, you dine like a bachelor! PAT BUCHANAN!

BUCHANAN: Oh, I think the market is going to be astronomical, but we have to be steadfast in our refusal to buy foreign oranges.

McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!

O'DONNELL: I agree that the prices are going to skyrocket, but I think this will renew the push for orange-stem-cell research and the administration is going to have to rethink--

McLAUGHLIN: TONY BLANKLEY!

BLANKLEY: I believe I ate my last orange this morning.

McLAUGHLIN: CORRECT! The orange, a long-beloved staple of a healthy diet, and a rich source of Vitamin C is no more and shall be replaced by the SUPERIOR delight that is the cranberry! NEXT ISSHOOO! On a scale of one to ten, one being a being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 10 being absolute metaphysical certitude, what are the chances that the alien race that abducted me as a youth and implanted this nefarious chip in my brain will come down and stop these attacks, I ask you TONY BLANKLEY!

TONY BLANKLEY: I would have to say a 7.

McLAUGHLIN: A 7, really, that high?

BLANKLEY: I have spoken to their ambassadors on the phone just before we went on the air and they assure me that there will be no further attacks.

McLAUGHLIN: Very doubtful. PAT BUCHANAN!

BUCHANAN: I've been saying for years that we need to close our borders to aliens and nobody has listened to--

McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!

CLIFT: I don't know, are these aliens going to do anything about health care in this country? Everything I've heard from their end is "business as usual" in Washington. I seriously doubt the aliens have a plan to address the big issues.

McLAUGHLIN: WRONG! The aliens do have a plan and I have seen it! LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!

O'DONNELL: A zero, John. The aliens have a unifying pact called the "Prime Directive" which forbids any interference in our course of history. They will not stop the attacks and their health care plan is not a serious reform package.

McLAUGHLIN: And the answer is: ZERO! BUH-BYE!

DAY 6 Prequel: The Bauer Situation

How did the U.S. get Jack Bauer back from China? To find out, read this overheard conversation between President Wayne Palmer and Jules Winnfield from about two weeks ago.

WAYNE: Jules, we got a situation. I gotta send you to China to take care of some important business for me.

JULES: What kind of business.

WAYNE: Straight delivery. The package is "fragile" if you get my meaning. Drop this briefcase off, take "payment" and come home.

JULES: Hmmm, China. Never been, what can you tell me bout the place?

WAYNE: Well, you know what's the funniest thing about China? It's the little differences.

JULES: Examples?

WAYNE: Well in China you can't express your views openly if they conflict with that of the government. Political dissidents are locked up and-

JULES: Woah, woah, woah. Mr. President, it's Jules you're talking to here, you don't gotta front like some cracker-ass-cracker, ya dig? What shit is goin' down in China that I need to know about?

WAYNE: Alright, I feel ya. So check this shit out- You seen the news, right? Crazy shit is goin' down and I got a gov'ment full of white boys waitin' to die. I ain't got nobody ready to take care of business. Now, I know you been out of the game for a while, walking the earth and shit. But playa, the game is calling you back! Your motherfucking country needs you!

JULES: Well, Mr. President, just tell me- what do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Beijing?

WAYNE: Son, are you high? Get yoself to China, drop off this here briefcase so they can release back to us the only cracker worth saving up in this bitch.

JULES: Wait a minute. I'm goin' to China to save some white dude? Oh Hell no! Now you know me, Mr. President. When push meets shove, you know I take care of business. But this is some fucked up shit right here.

WAYNE: I've grasped that, Jules. And I'm telling you I'm on the motherfucker. Go to China, drop off the case and bring back Jack Bauer, who will be given to you directly.

JULES: You sending me to get The Bauer?

WAYNE: Feel better?

JULES: Shit Wayne, that's all you had to say!