Monday, August 14, 2006

The Jack Sack's Summer Vacation in China

The following is a letter I received from our good friend, The Jack Sack:

Hey guys,

How is everybody's summer going? Good? Super. Mine? Ha, funny you should ask. Well, Jack and I got nabbed by those wicked Chinese just after we saved the planet from nefarious villains seeking to undo our Judeo-Christian Capitalist society (again!). I'm all for a little adventure on the high seas, but when these Chinese agents threw a bag over Jack's head and pushed us aboard some non-descript barge bound for Shanghai, I knew things weren't looking good. Say what you will about how Chinese food leaves you hungry a half-hour later, but after the ass-whipping they gave Jack once we set sail, I don't think he was thinking about food for a good two days!

Now, as far as I was concerned, the Chinese agents briefly discussed throwing me overboard to drown a hero's death. I was not terribly happy about this plan. I am The Jack Sack. I contain secrets to the Universe that are seldom comprehensible to the pedestrian human race. I can hold unlimited amounts of mass at any given moment. I am a quantum anomaly. And this fucktard low-level Chinese dude wants to throw me in the ocean? Blow me, Ping.

So, without needing to raise my displeasure, luckily one of the senior agents saw me and ordered that I remain aboard. They decided to let me be, and threw me in a pile with Jack's shoes and fashionable brown hooded sweatshirt. And get this, the sweatshirt is convinced that he can make Jack invisible, like Harry Potter or some shit. Yeah, that trick worked like a charm...

I am scared and I see no way out of this hell. Tell me, are the Yankees doing well? I'll write back soon.

-The Jack Sack

Monday, May 22, 2006

"SACKS OF SUPPORT" Series: The Beastmaster Sack!

In Jack Bauer's final two hours of Day 5, sacks from around the universe are declaring well-wishes and public support for our hero.

You know who these little bastards are- it's Kodo and Podo, travel buddies for The Beastmaster! They're pretty darned cute, I have to admit. Sure, they have nothing to do with Jack Bauer or "24" for that matter, but they do travel in a sack, and they are useful allies whenever The Beastmaster is in a tight situation. But as with most wholesome images, there's usually a darkside to the whole affair.

Most grown men feel uncomfortable around ferrets. I think I could be counted among them. I can't explain it, but there's gotta be something wrong with a dude running around the wilderness with two furry critters in his sack. And let's just say that The Beastmaster was a little too close to these fellas.

I guess you could file Kodo and Podo under "Things You Will Not Find in The Jack Sack," but let's try and see beyond our discomfort of ferrets and try to look at what advantages they offer to a man in danger.

Kodo and Podo ask that Jack Bauer consider them as new team members at CTU, as they are proficient in hacking into Dept. of Defense servers, they are good at negotiating plea bargains with useful suspects (drop one in Henderson's pants and watch him give up the conspirators!), they can each carry a 9mm clip on their backs too.

Most of all, they need to get away from The Beastmaster. They need a new sack to call home.

"SACKS OF SUPPORT" Series: The Santa Sack

In Jack Bauer's final two hours of Day 5, sacks from around the universe are declaring well-wishes and public support for our hero.

There have been a lot of "naughty" folks causing you trouble, Jack! Tear Logan's eyeballs out! Finish off Henderson's wife! Give Bierko that crazy "wet towel down the throat" thing! Don't leave anyone alive!

Oh, crap I almost forgot: Peace on earth and goodwill to all.

"SACKS OF SUPPORT" Series: The 'Falling Down' Guy's Sack

In Jack Bauer's final two hours of Day 5, sacks from around the universe are declaring well-wishes and public support for our hero.

Watch your back, Jack. The White Man gets no respect whatsoever anymore. Do you want to hang out and shoot people in East L.A. after you're done with The President? Don't bring Curtis.... he is not like us. Ok, cool! I'll be waiting right here!

"SACKS OF SUPPORT" Series: The Chewie Sack

In Jack Bauer's final two hours of Day 5, sacks from around the universe are declaring well-wishes and public support for our hero.

The Chewie Sack says :MWRRAAAAR!!!!

Translation: If you don't have to wear pants, leave 'em home. Trust me, they only get in the way.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The New York Times Actually Gets It Right!

Check this article out, even Bauer can't believe the Times pulled its head out of its ass.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Quantum Physicist At Oxford Wins Nobel Prize For "The Jack Sack Theorem"

Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of quantum physics at Oxford University was bestowed the honor of the Nobel Prize in Physics for his groundbreaking study of the seemingly inexplicable physical properties of The Jack Sack.

Dr. Van Helsing, a native of Romania, accepted the award at a ceremony this morning, saying that to not tackle The Jack Sack anomaly would further confuse and frustrate all physicists for generations to come.

"The Jack Sack offers many mysteries at first glace," Dr. Van Helsing stated to the international press corp. in Stockholm. "Are we to accept that a plain canvas bag, khaki-green in color, and rough in texture, is capable of holding cell phones, demagnetizers, silencers, PDAs, invisibility hooded sweatshirts, gatling guns, surface-to-air rocket launchers, anti-aircraft stations, the Encyclopedia Britannica, Jimmy Hoffa's body AND the Lost Ark of the Covenant? Ten years ago, a young graduate student came to me with a distrurbed look on her face. She was troubled by this very threshold question: is The Jack Sack above the laws of physics? After years of work I can say that the answer is a resounding 'No.'"

The Jack Sack Theorem explains that the reason so many objects can fit into such a modestly sized sack has to do with the Super String theory. In short, the Super String theory proposes that our universe is composed of more than the readily observable physical dimensions (three spacial and one temproal, totalling four dimensions). According to String theorists, there exists ten distinct dimensions, six more than the four we can measure in our macro-physical environment. Generally speaking, when an item is placed in The Jack Sack, it exists in not only our physical space, but on the quantum level in multiple places simultaneously. Therefore, in theory, there is no limit to the amount of mass one can place inside The Jack Sack. Some women can attest to this theory themselves by looking into their own purses only to see that they cannot find their car keys. The keys in a ladie's purse, like the items in The Jack Sack, are in a suspended physical state. Dr. Van Helsing tells us that this is a phenomenon we have all experienced, despite our station in life. Upon hearing of this news, Harrison Ford was seen looking for his long-missing career in his girlfriend's purse.

While Dr. Van Helsing has gained mass approval for his "Jack Sack Theorem" from the scientific community, there is a minority view that strongly disagrees with the scientific approach. These people, The Sackniks, believe The Jack Sack is not of this world and that some unknown power has brought it to Earth and handed it to the great warior Jack Bauer so that he may do justice with it's gifts. The Sackniks dismiss Dr. Van Helsing's theory of multiple dimensions as absurd, saying that science seeks to discredit The Jack Sack's power. The Sackniks staged a widely-ignored protest with eight members showing outside of the Nobel Prize ceremony. One leader of The Sackniks seemed unconcerned about the lack of enthusiasm for their work, stating "Didn't Jesus start out with only a few of his buddies? This is only the beginning!"

Friday, May 05, 2006


Hey folks,

Man has this been a crazy day. You could say its been a wild past few years. It all started back in 1994: I sat idly by in a gift shop at Wrigley Field when Tony Almeida happened to saunter in slightly buzzed while watching a terrible game by Steve Trachsel. He had a stadium beer in his hand when he picked me up off the shelf and he grinned to some hot lady friend of his and said "Yeah, I'll take this one for the road so I can finish my beer on the train back to your place." The girl giggled, and Tony just kinda ignored her, filling me with cold brew before he even paid the cashier for the mug! I glanced back at the other mugs, collecting dust, and man did they look jealous. Yessiree, I had me a job!

As the years went by, I held a multitude of beverages for Tony. I've contained cola, Bustelo coffee, Alka-Seltzer and occasionally gravy (Tony never owned a gravy boat). Back around the time when Tony was "in-between jobs" (because that Michelle bitch let CTU hang him out to dry) I was exclusively a Budweiser mug. Sure I was concerned about Tony's drinking but you know how he gets- there's no talking sense into him, so I let things slide.

Well, today the shit realy hit the fan. One minute I'm watching him and Michelle (dumb bitch) getting ready for work and then BOOM! out they both go in some crazy explosion out front. Some folks came over to pick up Michelle's pieces but I couldn't see if Tony was okay or not. He didn't look good, but then again it always seems like he's getting shot in the neck or what have you. Needless to say, I am very worried. The lights are out and its dark. I've seen a few Humvees breeze by the house in the past few hours, but there's hardly a peep on the street. The T.V. is still on and from what I gather several dozen people have died all day long. Man, I know Tony needs me, now more than ever.

Tony, if you're reading this, come home! You're gonna have to put me in the microwave to heat up the day-old coffee in here, but I'm ready to do my part. We're a team, Tony. Now that Michelle's gone, it's just the two of us-- like the good old days!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Jack Sack helped me kill Yeti cub last winter!

Greetings Americans!

We are The Republic of Uzbekistan. We like your Louisianna: we are both poor, ignored and hard for you assholes to find on map!

Rebels are fierce this year. We have strong men, but they don't like to jump on landmine! We lose many to the winter. My wives are thinking of leaving me. I say fuck dammit to that, I want new wives anyway. I babble again like fat rich woman on american television. You have problems too, no? I hope you enjoy your fucking gas prices, we suffer everyday eating snakes and surplus leather boots!

I hear on short-wave radio that your secret agent Bower is in trouble with President. Bower is like full-grown lamb-kiler. He no need weapons, he need ten minutes in closed room to finish off lamb! We love Bower, we hope he kill your president! We ask he come here to kill rebels next, we are offering our cleanest women to him! Please tell him about this!

Human rights is problem here, much like at CTU. Thanks to your suggestion, we have given our warriors this Jack Sack to ensure successes in killing. So far, we have killed a hairless Yeti cub who we mistook for rebel in disguise. We threw a PDA at his head and imagine our surprise when it exploded! What do you Yanks do with your free time? Marvelous works I imagine!

That was two weeks ago and the men are just finishing with his carcass this morning!

Very well, we write back soon with more news about Jack Sack. Please tell Bower we need his anger and bloodlust. Tell him we have no Miranda Rights too!!!!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Things you will not find in The Jack Sack

Many people marvel at how much The Jack Sack holds by way of gadgets and essential gear. While this is part of The Jack Sack's charm, this does not mean that you can put any 'ol thing into the bag. In fact, there are a few items that will never be found in The Jack Sack.

1) Miranda Rights card.
2) Kelly Clarkson CDs
3) A Motts applesauce cup
4) A cell phone that has no battery life
5) A bowtie

Any other ideas? Comment below.

Who is The Jack Sack?

Hi everyone,

If you're familiar with Jack Bauer of "24", then you'll probably know me pretty well. I am The Jack Sack, a utility man-purse that accompanies Jack Bauer on his most dangerous missions. I've carried C-4, demagnitizers, silencers, loudeners, cell phones, unlimited ammunition and all sorts of automatic firearms.

I'm happy to be here and to keep you up-to-date on my exploits with Jack. But if you see us together, don't call me a "purse" in front of Jack, or he will shoot you in your miserable face.