24 Season 7: 2PM-3PM Quick Review

Oh, where to start?

How about at the end, with badass Col. Ike Dubaku playing kissy-face with a local waitress in his apt. building. This is why I love "24"- they're crazy enough to take the most hideous of bad guys and reduce him to a very human, almost quaint level. And now we know that like Garfield the Cat, Dubaku loves himself some lasagna. Awesome.

But the real joy of tonight's episode was the balls-out violence! I will have to go back and re-watch this episode to soak it all in, but seeing Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida, Bill Buchanan, Renee Walker and Chloe O'Brian all working together was pure bliss. Can we have about ten more episodes in a row like this? Just good guys getting shit done right, that's what last season was missing (Jack has to shoot Curtis because... geez, I don't even know why anymore, or how Doyle and Milo kept bumping into one another on their way to Nadia's locker). Buchanan with an automatic rifle... that's cinematic genius! And they carried sacks (not the official Jack Sack, mind you, but we're getting closer to the dream, folks).

The biggest loser in this episode (aside from the computer dude Latham, who got the Rachel Dawes special) is definitely Larry Moss. Larry is acting like a petulant loser, whining about his "dead" girlfriend Renee and ignoring the useful counter-terror advice of Janis "Honey" Gold, who was pretty on this episode. Moss is kind of a moron when it comes down to it- reactive, cranky and selfish in some ways. I see a lot of Erin Driscoll in Moss, and that's a bad association.

Next week looks equally awesome. Is this the first time Jack Bauer has visited the White House on the show? They should name the underground bunker in his honor at this point! I can't wait for the next go-around of "24." I'm very happy over here...

CTU DENVER: 9:00-10:00AM

Here's Hour 2 of our exclusive, ongoing series:

Previously on CTU Denver: Umm, read the episode!

Special Guest Star:
Ricky Schroder as Himself

INT. CTU DENVER HQ. INTERROGATION ROOM #2

Sitting along in the room is famous child-actor RICKY SCHRODER. He is worn out from an apparent beating he took when he was recently apprehended at a model train hobby shop.

AGENT MIKE DOYLE enters, showing nothing but disgust on his face. He immediately goes to choke Ricky Schroder.



RICKY SCHRODER
Woah, woah woah! (Doyle lets go of Ricky's neck). Before we begin with you choking me, I gotta ask, does CTU always interrogate suspects this way?

DOYLE
I don't know what you're talking about, Schroder.

RICKY SCHRODER
Come on, this is one trippy mind-game. You don't notice any similarities between us? Not even a little?

DOYLE
Honestly, I don't see anything similar between us. You and your fellow former child-actor friends are terrorists. Whatever it is you're up to, I would have nothing to do with, except of course stopping you from pulling it off.

RICKY SCHRODER
I'm not talking about the metaphorical similarities present between the hero and villain. Geez, stop with the philosophy major, dude. I'm saying that we look EXACTLY like the same person! You look like Ricky Schroder, and that's me!

DOYLE
If anything, YOU look like me, Schroder. And honestly the thought of looking like a terrorist makes me sick!

RICKY SCHRODER
Come on. I look like you? (pause) Oh, you can't be serious. What's your name?

DOYLE
My name is Agent Mike Doyle, I am a federal ag-

RICKY SCHRODER
See, that right there is enough. Mike Doyle? What kind of name is that? You have limited career options with that handle. You could be either a cop or a fireman.

DOYLE
Those are noble professions, Schroder.

RICKY SCHRODER
Sure, absolutely! No offense here, but you're kind of a nobody. So it is kind of ridiculous for you to say that I look like you when in reality it is YOU that look like me.

DOYLE
You haven't had a hit show in years, Schroder. People forgot all about you. (pause) We could do this all day long, so let's get an unbiased opinion. (to the intercom) Pressman, get in here on the double!

Ricky Schroder snorts a laugh.

DOYLE (to Ricky Schroder)
What's so funny?

RICKY SCHRODER
"On the double?" Come on, you guys really say that stuff?

MILO PRESSMAN enters the room and suddenly stops in awe. Before Doyle can even ask the question, Milo speaks.

MILO (to Doyle)
Wow dude, you really look like Ricky Schroder!

DOYLE
DAMMIT!

RICKY SCHRODER (to Doyle)
See! I told ya so!

Doyle starts for the door.

MILO (to Doyle)
Hey! Where are you going?

DOYLE (grumbles)
To steal the boss' cake.

Doyle storms out of the room.


MILO (to Ricky Schroder)
What was that all about?

RICKY SCHRODER
Your friend now thinks he looks like a terrorist.

MILO
So says the 40-year old guy who still plays with model trains. Oh! Busted!!!

Bleep-bleep-bloop-bloop.

NEXT WEEK ON CTU DENVER-- The Legion of Former Child Stars (of Doom)! And maybe I can find an excuse to include this beer-pilfering otter!

Hat tip: Riding with Rickey for finding this brilliance.

The Lazy Sack's 24 Linkage!

Greetings, Sack Pack!

Trade secret: when a blogger throws up a few links in an article, he/she is phoning it in. That being said, here are a couple of 24-related links that I found interesting:

1) How does one educate the human weapon that is Jack Bauer? According to the Online Education Database, it required lots of book learnin'-- we're talking a few bachelor's degrees, a master's and then some SWAT training. Impressive, but way too intense for this lazy sack. And while reading the laundry list of Jack's scholastic achievements is impressive nonetheless. I personally would love to see Jack Bauer on JEOPARDY! screaming "Who do you work for?!" as the question (answer) to every single clue. Jack is smart AND crazy. And apparently Jack's education intimidates others at CTU-- remember when Mike Doyle was bragging to Nadia Yassir that he read the Upanishads back in the day?. Well, your reading days are over, Doyle, that's for certain... but I do digress.

2) Next, we have a wonderful picture. I like pictures. Do you like them too? And look, ma, I'm trademarked! Whoever made this, I thank you. UPDATE: Andy made this picture. And there are many other funny 24 motivational posters from his tainted mind!


3) Check out this great article listing Jack Bauer's gadgets-- FYI Jack's "unleashed anger" is not technically a gadget, but if you go to the Sharper Image, you can find yours after listening to a rain forest CD for more than 5 minutes. Whoever came up with that idea deserves a few good throat-punches.

That's it for now. Thank you to the readers who sent in these links. Keep 'em coming in!

CTU Denver: 8:00-9:00AM

Before Agent Mike Doyle became a member of CTU Los Angeles, he was stationed at the agency's office in Denver, Colorado. Also at CTU Denver was Milo Pressman (deceased). What do we know so far? Doyle and Milo clashed. Also, Doyle committed acts so heinous that they could not be spoken of aloud. That's where we come in. Each week we will delve into the classified files of CTU to finally learn what happened in Denver! Here is the first installment in the series:

Special Guest Star: Jon Voight as CTU Denver Director Floyd Nichols.

INT. CTU DENVER HQ. COMMISSARY- MORNING

AGENT MIKE DOYLE walks into the room where various other staff are seated and walking around the room, having their morning coffee. Doyle sees MILO PRESSMAN eating a slice of birthday cake while standing in front of the open refrigerator door.


DOYLE
Hey Pressman, you better make sure you don't get any of that cake on your new silk shirt.

MILO (dismissive)
Up yours, Doyle.

As Milo turns his back to Doyle to resume eating the cake, Doyle springs into action. Doyle throws himself at Milo, who drops the cake and the two men wrestle on the ground. The others in the room stand up and form a circle around them.

DOYLE (choking Milo)
You're not gonna get big and strong eating chocolate cake for breakfast.

MILO (rasping)
What's your problem, man?

DOYLE
Who's cake was that?

MILO (turning red-faced, almost passing out)
I... don't... know...

Doyle releases his grip on Milo's neck. He stands up and wipes his face with his sleeve.

DOYLE
Exactly my point, Pressman. That wasn't your cake, but you took it anyway. You're no better than the people who try to take our freedoms away from us. (licks frosting off his fingers) You make me sick.

Entering into the room is the Director of CTU Denver, FLOYD NICHOLS. Everyone in the room begins to disperse, fearing an eruption of anger from their boss.

NICHOLS
What's all this?

DOYLE
Sir, Agent Pressman was breaking office protocol by eating a food item left in the commissary's refrigerator that was not his property. I ascertained this and immediately intervened.

Milo is still on the floor, wheezing for air. Nichols looks down and shakes his head.

NICHOLS (to Milo)
You crazy sonuvabitch, that was MY slice of cake! Get down to medical and have yourself checked out. When you're finished I need you to meet me and Agent Doyle in the conference room. (to Doyle) Come with me, there's something we need to discuss.

DOYLE (nods)
Sir.

The two men exit the commissary. Milo crawls to his feet and exits after them.

CUT TO:

INT. CTU DENVER. CONFERENCE ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

Nichols and Doyle enter, with AGENT TRACEY FISHER sitting at a workstation. Doyle stands at attention.

NICHOLS
Agent Doyle, since you've arrived here, I've never seen a more buttoned-down vibe in this place. I've tried everything to stop employees from stealing Splenda packets and playing Solitaire at their workstations. But you... you've got all of us back on track.

DOYLE
Sir, it's been my pleasure.

NICHOLS
Well, we brought you in here for bigger things, and something huge is going down. I've got a flash memo coming out of Division telling me that we have an active terrorist cell operating in downtown Denver. Normally, I'd call in for additional tactical resources to handle this matter, but you've shown me something, Doyle. And this new threat is something I think you may be uniquely qualified to handle. Agent Fisher, bring up the information.

FISHER
Yes, sir.

Agent Fisher activates a series of images which appear on the screen. Various photos pop up.


NICHOLS
As you may or may not know, these are former child-stars who've appeared on various television shows in the 1970s and 80s. So far, we know that this cell consists of Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, Mindy Cohn, Kirk Cameron and their ring-leader Danny Bonaduce. They have descended upon Denver under the auspices of a TV Land convention. The NSA has intercepted communications among this group suggesting they are planning a major terrorist event.

DOYLE
Sir, these people make me sick. They were given fame and fortune at a young age and let it all slip through their fingers. It will be my pleasure to wipe them all out.

NICHOLS
All in due time, Agent Doyle. We need to know what their plan is before we neutralize them. There are literally dozens of former child-stars roaming this country. Some of them are so anonymous nowadays that they completely dissolve into the background. If there is a systematic threat to this nation's interests, we need to know about it. We need to infiltrate their ranks.

Milo enters the room with his right arm in a sling. He stands a good distance away from Doyle. Nichols is surprised.

NICHOLS
What's with the sling?

MILO
The doctors think Agent Doyle broke my arm. I have to go back later for X-Rays.

NICHOLS
Agent Doyle was defending my cake, Milo. As far as I'm concerned, you went and got your arm broken all by yourself. Moving on, Agent Fisher, please show these gentlemen the key to our mission.

Agent Fisher punches another set of keys bringing up a dossier that makes Doyle and Milo flinch.

NICHOLS
I take it you both recognize this person.

Milo chokes back a laugh. Doyle turns red.

DOYLE (looking down from the screen)
Yes.

MILO
That's Ricky Schroder! Doyle, I never realized it, but you look just like him!

Doyle begins to quake with rage.

NICHOLS
Knock it off, Milo. Ricky Schroder is a potential threat to our national security. Fortunately for us, we have him in custody. We picked him up last night, at a hobby train shop outside of the city.

DOYLE
Do you want me to interrogate him, sir?

NICHOLS
Yes, but more importantly, I need to to assume his identity and go infiltrate the former child-star network.


DOYLE
Sir, there must be another way to do this, I-

NICHOLS
Dammit, Doyle, you're going to accept the fact that you look like this kid! You're going to interrogate Schroder and then attend the TV Land convention in his place. They don't accept outsiders into their group, only failed, unemployed actors. This is the only way we can figure out their plan.

Milo starts to snicker.

NICHOLS
And you, Pressman, are going to help! I've read your file, you are our foremost expert on 80s television, having spent the bulk of your childhood hooked up to your t.v. set. I can't depend on Doyle here to mix-in on his own because he was too busy banging cheerleaders while you were in your basement trying to picture Dana Plato nude. (Milo looks down in shame and Agent Fisher is now the one who snickers) The two of you are going to have to work together, understood?

Doyle and Milo nod in affirmation.

NICHOLS
Good, now get moving-- the convention starts tomorrow morning!

Bleep-bleep-bloop-bloop.

NEXT WEEK ON CTU DENVER-- Ricky Schroder v. Mike Doyle!

Coming Soon: CTU DENVER!

The Jack Sack exclusively presents CTU's darkest chapter! Rules are broken! New dangers are discovered! And Mike Doyle's darkest secret will be revealed! Are you ready for the Mile-High Massacre?

CTU Denver starts tomorrow!

The Tragedy of Jack Bauer

For 6 seasons, we've been watching Jack Bauer's life get worse and worse. Starting with the death of his wife in Day one and culminating last night with his not-too-subtle contemplation of suicide, Jack Bauer is as tragic a figure as any.

What did I think of last night's finale? It was serviceable, but not awe-inspiring. It tied up most of the loose ends but left a few major ones danging for future seasons it appears. Before we get to the specifics of all of that, I have to say I am amazed that my "hopes, wishes and dreams" for the finale were all unfulfilled! That's right, I went 0-5 on the night! There was no explanation of Josh's true importance (a draft that I read, which may have been bogus in retrospect had Philip Bauer being Josh's true dad). There was NO FREAKIN' ALMEIDA, and this hurts more than words can describe. I heard no explanation about Doyle's past in Denver, and he lost his eyesight too, which was not cool. Cheng didn't die, he just made threats in that Elmer Fudd voice of his to nobody in particular after being captured. And Nadia, while in the locker room talking to Milo's creepy-ass brother, couldn't find two minutes to take a much-needed shower. Sigh.

Okay, not that all my prospects for last night's episode came up empty, what was good? I LOVED the goofy scenes with the Russians. They're the most unintentionally funny characters on the show. Here they are, "furious" about this circuit board falling into the Chinese's hands, and they are nodding along with VP Noah Daniels like everything he's saying makes sense. Like everybody is all friends, in fact! And after the oil platform is taken out, you see the Russians shrug at one another as to say "Do we not start World War Three then? Okay, let's drink!"

Also, as Bill and Jack take the chopper to save that mysteriously unimportant 16 year-old Josh Bauer, there's another classic 24 moment that I shall always cherish: Jack turns to Bill and hands him his own sack! Then Jack takes his sack out and the two renegade rogues march forth to fly on some desperate suicide mission. Cue loud synthesizer music! Aw. Yeah.

But the show's best scene, probably of the whole season in fact, came courtesy of William Devane (SecDef James Heller) yet again. Devane and Sutherland own the screenwriters. Whatever crap those drunk bastards in the Writer's Room come up with gets shined to a gleaming piece of gold by these two professional actors. But the scene with Jack and Heller was a good reality-check for the show; folks, Jack Bauer is broken. It's fun to see the guy take out 30 Chinese dudes in 2 minutes flat, but the sad fact is that he is so far down a path of psychosis that he may not ever be truly normal ever again. This is interesting material. Now, I'm not asking that there be therapy sessions with Jack and Dr. Melfi on the show, but the occasional mention of Jack's mental state lends credibility to the show. And I like the nod to the end of season 3 where after everything dies down, Jack got into his car and started crying like a deranged mess of a man. But last night, in a similar set-up, all you saw was emptiness on Jack's face. And what James Heller said to Jack about needing to be in the game is completely true. Jack is made to do this-- and for at least two more seasons, we get to watch more life and humanity get sucked out of this tragic hero.

Let's hope the next six months go by quickly.

Hopes, Dreams and Wishes- DAY 6 FINALE TONIGHT!!!

Well, this has been an up and down season, I think we can all agree. There were some fantastic moments (anything with Chuck Logan), some good new supporting characters (Nadia and Tom Lennox) and we got to see The Jack Sack, albeit too breifly a few episodes ago. But now, it all comes down to tonight's 2-hour finale. Below are a couple of quick thoughts I have about tonight's show:

1) Please justify Josh's importance. Y'all have been running around, killing people and causing a lot of trouble over this whiny kid. Just come clean already and tell us why Philip Bauer would want to kidnap Josh and take him to China. Seriously, is Philip the daddy? Gross? Yes! Does it justify all of this attention spent on Josh? Double-Yes!

2) Bring Back Almeida. This isn't too difficult to pull of, is it? Don't being back Chase Edmunds or Hector Salazar... Almeida is the one "death" the writers need to undo.

3) Kill Cheng. Cheng is not so much a good villain as he is a pain in the ass. He's annoying, he makes me want to stop eating Chinese food. Cheng is a pest, a guy who takes things waaaay over the line, like a bad ex-girlfriend. Yes, a few years ago, Jack walked inside a Chinese Embassy, accidentally allowed their Consul to get shot, violating international law, etc. But since then, I think Cheng has gotten his revenge and then some. Why is Cheng being such a prick? His vendetta against Jack is weak. Cheng annoys me. Jack, kill him.

4) Have Doyle tell us what happened in Denver! All this build-up, and nobody has mentioned what Doyle did in Denver that got him in hot water. What the heck could he have possibly done in Denver? Denver!!! Now that Milo is dead, that's one less person that knows what happened... so perhaps there is something shady going on afterall... heh.

5) Give Nadia a shower scene where she smiles like she won the Mega Millions! Do I need to justify this to any of you good people?

Introducing CTU's Newest Tactical Team Leader: Mike Doyle

Here's Mike Doyle introducing himself to the support staff before heading out into the field: