24: LEGACY 12:00 p.m. - 1:00 p.m. Quick Review

24: LEGACY starts with a horrific attack on American soil as Tom Brady hoists yet another Lombardi trophy over a smoldering field of ash and chaos- all hope is lost.

Eric Carter brings his own baggage to 24.

Quickly, the show introduces us to our new hero.  Eric Carter is a former Army Ranger who's unit recovered a box (called a "strong box" by several characters, but really, my 7 year-old niece could pop it open) on some counter-terrorist mission overseas. The show starts out with new terrorists looking for their dead boss' box because it's the key to everything! I assume it contains proof that Tom Brady under-inflated the footballs- the kind of thing that could take down an empire.

To start, it's downright amazing that the United States of America is still in business in this universe.  I can only assume that the government secretly pumped many metric tons of Prozac into the drinking water to maintain some semblance of social order. How else can the good citizens bear to live in 24-land?

I like Eric Carter- he's a professional; Carter picks up on danger very quickly. In that, we have a proper heir to the Jack Bauer legacy (oh, now I get the show's title). Carter gets tipped off to the new danger by his grungy unit comrade, a guy named Grimes (yeah, I know, well "Pigpen" was already taken). Grimes loves heroin and that makes people distrust him- except for Carter, who sends out an alert to the rest of the unit. The other unit members don't respond because they're all dead. Wasting no time, Carter calls up Rebecca Ingram- the former head of CTU- for help. I like Ingram because she's professional; she picks up on danger very quickly. Right out the gates we have people using their brains and getting together to stop the bad guys.

Somewhere in-between all of this, we learn that Carter loves killing too much, according to his wife, Nicole- who confides as much to her ex-boyfriend, a guy who presumably loves selling drugs and killing folks too. This guy is also Carter's older brother. I'm using Wikipedia to write this post- heavily.

It's also notable that Nicole is the character who first liberates the new Jack Sack from Carter's safe in their home. Ah, fresh air! Now, let's start shooting guys! The bag is different from Jack's Jack Sack, but Carter's Jack Sack is a worthy successor. You might be saying "Hey, Jack Sack, why are we calling Carter's bag a 'Jack Sack' when it should be 'Carter Sack?'" My answer to that is- shut the hell up, I own this domain name and it's gonna stay that way!

Let's see, what else? Former CTU director Ingram is married to Senator Jimmy Smits, played by Jimmy Smits, a former Senator on STAR WARS EPISODE III and ROGUE ONE. Smits' constituents, along with himself, get blown up in EPISODE IV. Let's HOPE Smits' run as a senator in this show does not end with his planet being destroyed.

CTU is still as dysfunctional as ever. Ingram, who no longer works for CTU, is using one of its analysts, a helpful guy in glasses named Andy, to help Carter find Grimes and his box of plot device in time. Enter a nosy analyst, Mariana Stiles, cousin of Edgar Stiles (RIP), a former, nosy analyst at CTU. Stiles uncovers the "unauthorized" operation Ingram is running and tells the new CTU boss all about it. The new CTU boss is a guy who played Jay Garrick on THE FLASH.  Ingram doesn't trust this guy because she thinks he ratted out Carter's unit to the terrorists.  Obviously, this man is innocent because he's the first person suspected of being the mole. Not knowing the rules of 24 plots,  Ingram tasers the crap out of the guy when he confronts her about using CTU pens and pads for unauthorized purposes. CTU takes its office supplies very seriously.

On the kill count, Carter proves his worth when he finds Grimes at an obvious hobo hideout- the rail yards. The terrorists close in on Carter and Grimes as they learn the thing that the bad guys want is a... THUMB DRIVE! On the thumb drive are the names and favorite ice cream flavors of all the sleeper cell members in the US. Before you can say "Rocky Road," the bad guys chase the good guys through some tunnels and up to a work site that has a HUGE storm drain section hovering over them. Carter shoots at the strap holding the storm drain and it rolls down the ramp, killing one bad guy while giving Carter cover to take down the rest with a gun and piece of rebar.

It was an impressive action sequence- I liked how Carter didn't hoof it out of there when the storm drain started rolling towards the bad guys. Most people would have run for safety but Carter decided he wanted to kill more. I guess his wife was right when she said "Eric likes killing people." That's the kind of person we need as the main character on 24. While Carter is doing that, Grimes swipes the thumb drive and runs away (he doesn't like killing and is therefore a stinking coward). Grimes calls Carter on what was his 3rd burner phone in this one hour of real-time to say "If you want this thumb drive, you gotta pay me." I think Carter is going to slap him when they meet up next.

I'm okay with this new version of 24. Sure, Bauer is the ultimate human weapon, but the writers have done him no favors in the last two seasons. I lost a lot of enjoyment seeing Bauer being shoved into ridiculous situations by writers who ran out of ideas for a hero who deserved better. They needed a clean slate, and so did we, the viewers. Carter is off to a good start. Let's get that man a hacksaw.

24: LEGACY Trailer

It's been a while since we've had anything significant to discuss re: 24, but here we have the trailer for the reboot/spinoff/whatever the heck you want to call it.



The new people look like 24 characters. Also, there seems to be some bag/backpack thing happening with the new hero. Call me when the messenger bag makes a comeback. #JackForLife

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Season 9: 5:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. Quick Review

Tonight, on 24- Gordon Ramsey gets his face eaten off by Jack Bauer. Wait, it's 4 minutes before the show starts. Oh well...

Previously on 24: Jack was right, everyone else was wrong. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Pixie Chick done got hit by a double-decker. A month ago, that sentence would mean nothing to either of us, but here we are. So much for the red-headed terrorist. I mean, she'll live so Jack can scowl at her, I'm sure of it. But no more fancy dalliances this season unless she starts dating Jaws.

Jack meets MI-5; an international incident ensues. Jack catches up with Kate, who looks amazing for someone that got all that torture done to her. Jack's other friend, the guy from the place and the mission, etc. was fine too. Like really not at all unhappy. Chloe tells Jack that the Pixie owns the phone number they traced from the terrorist computer Pixie's name: Simone. So there's the lead. Jack's going to find her and scowl!

Jack has a direct line to Heller. This is about flippin time. I love this- Heller clearing a path for Jack. Jack mentions how the Brits screwed up the whole operation, but not before Jack could fix it with his gun.  The call ends and lucky for the British, their PM is right outside the room waiting to get his ass kicked by Heller. And surely enough, Heller beats the shit out of the Prime Minister. It's two old guys getting angry. Grumpy old men in terrorist context! GO FISHING! YELL AT EACH OTHER IN A BOAT! DO IT!!! Heller beats the Scone Head into the ground with good 'ol Yankee anger.

Shadow Mom drunk (on power) dials Pixie's phone and finds a very informative EMT tech there to tell Shadow everything- right down to the hospital room and what's in the snack machine down the hall (CRISPS MUM!) Now, it's a race between Jack and Shadow Mum.

Back at the CTU-err CIA, Mr. Julia Roberts talks to his source orchestrating the whole dastardly plot that we mentioned briefly last week. What's it all about? No clue. Kate's husband got involved, got burned. And who's the source? That Eurotrash guy that Chloe worked for- I had a nickname for him but it doesn't stick. I was hoping Eurotrash wasn't going to be an important character, oh well.

Dr. Jack Bauer tells the British doctor attending Simone that saving Simone's life is not quite the first priority. Shadow Goon shows up, breaks into a secure clothes closet and dresses the part of "non-threatening hospital employee." Meanwhile, Kate gets a gender-type scene consoling the orphaned girl that Simone made an orphan. Oh, no, it's just a gentle interrogation. Good thing the kid breaks under warm treatment. See, torture is not the way! Cute kid tells Kate "I hope Simone dies." Oh shit, family jihad. Shadow Goon overhears this and tells Shadow Mum. Shadow Mum tells Shadow Son she wants the drone to blow up the hospital full of infidels/rotten, good-for-nothing redheaded daughters.

All that aside, Mr. Julia Roberts follows Eurotrash's orders to let the well-meaning CIA kid die. Send him to get milk.

Heller quickly decides that he should resign at some point after Jack Bauer saves the world. Chief-in-Law and Audrey are shocked. Heller, don't talk to these kids about what you think.

Simone wakes up and meets Jack. Jack appeals to Simone's good nature. You know, she's killing people left and right, so naturally she'll cooperate. Or maybe we start squeezing the pinkie stub. This is more than simply the scowling I predicted.  OH GOD IT HURTS!!! She passes out from the pain. Torture doesn't work. I told you, Jack. Jack finally lets the racism out. "I hate these people." Hehehe.

And then they run into Shadow Goon. Shots fire! Running! Drum beats! OK! Jack catches up to the Shadow Goon's corpse (it wasn't that long a run, I guess) and finds a text message on Goon's phone saying "I have a drone coming to your position to blow up the hospital in 8 minutes" or something like that. Jack doesn't need to work those police skills too hard so far, thankfully.Evacuate the hospital! Yeah, okay, Jack.

At a pub, Chloe opens up a laptop. This reminds me of years ago, when Chloe went to a coffee shop with a laptop. Many hair styles/colors ago.

Jack picks up Pixie Chick to rescue her. She acts pissy so he drops her on the floor. She says "Wait! Please don't leave me here." Jack picks her back up and they leave. An odd couple is born.  Meanwhile, Kate is doing the right thing and saves Yasmin, the Orphan so the Orphan can grow up and be angry at the terrorists for killing her mom. And there are so many people waiting for an elevator to leave the hospital. I think I see someone emptying the pill cabinets. Woohoo!!!

The drone fires one missile on the hospital. BOOM! Shadow Mom quickly finds Jack, Simone and Kate in the melee and fires on them again as they flee in a luxury mid-size sedan. Meanwhile, misery at the hospital. Simone sees this during the tire-screeching drive out of the blast area. Ooops,. she thinks. Jack evades missiles by car decides "Enough of this poppycock! Time to get a new motorcoach!" Jack sizes up a roomier SUV with a good back seat to catch Simone's blood.  Without hesitation, Jack introduces hismelf to that car's driver by PUNCHING HIS EVERLIVING FACE OFF!!!  I love it. But Shadow Mom saw that too (REALLY?!?!) and has more missiles to fire. Jack is tired of this, he gets to an underpass, stops and takes another car to get this crazy drone lady off his ass.

Jack tells Kate to "Grab my bag" (awww yeah!!!) and they jump into their 3rd getaway ride, not before Jack puts a conveniently placed loose brick on his last car's accelerator to send it away for the drone to destroy. Shadow Son is pumped up that he won the videogame, Shadow Mon notes that he blew up an empty SUV. This lady is having a very bad day. Oh, Kate notices that Simone is dying. Jack, did you hear her? Simone is...

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP (commercial break!)

CIA Good Nerd is walking alone in an abandoned part of the toilet we call London and gets shot, falling into the water. The hitman isn't sure he got him. Heh.

Chief-in-Law meets the Russian. The Russian looks like he could win that circus game with the mallet. Russian tells Chief-in-Law that he knows the kid forged the extradition order. So, the Chief-in-Law promises to screw over Jack when things die down.

Oh, the hitman was right, he didn't kill the CIA Good Nerd. From the filthy waters of a london stream, emerges the Good Nerd Reborn! Or is it Rebooted?!  GOOD, NERD! GOOD!! 

Heller, sits in a room feeling sad. So, he calls Jack. Jack says "Hang in there boss." Heller says he needs to meet with Jack. Jack knows this means something serious. Heller puts on his suit jacket and he calls Shadow Mom using FaceTime!

Heller says he's going to turn himself over to Shadow Mom. Shadow Mom says "Don't catfish me, infidel." Old Man Heller says "What, you want to argue with me in a boat too?! Sheesh!"

Alright, above is Clementine imitating James Heller's foreign policy in this episode. I mean come on, James! Really?! Also, the fact that Shadow Mom could track Jack through the chaos of an exploded hospital is a bit much to accept. Not that I ever needed this show to be realistic, I just lose interest when it turns into a cartoon.  I loved Jack in this episode. Kate was great too, slinging The Jack Sack™ over her shoulder, consoling the Orphan and being generally competent. The messy subplots don't interest me as much- Mr. Julia Roberts and the Russian angle both feel too formulaic. Not that I'm saying they can't get better, I just know how these things normally turn out. I did appreciate Zombie Good Nerd. He's not amused, people-- well, neither am I.

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Season 9: 4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. Quick Review

"You are to give Jack Bauer whatever he needs." -President Heller

Jack asks for a car, silence AND Kate Morgan.

"Jack wants her, Jack needs her, JACK GETS HER!"

Pimpin.

Back at Chateau Bloodbath, Shadow Mom slaps her good kid across the face for second guessing her behavior (chopping off Simone's finger, killing Simone's husband in front of Simone). Don't you tell me how to be a loving mother (SLAP!) Shadow Mom then demands lovingly requests that Simone go and kill her dead husbands sister. Imagine marrying into this carnival of carnage.

Jack gets The Jack Sack™ back! Back in the field, back in black, back with Sack, oh hell yeah! Jack says hi to Audrey's husband, wastes two minutes talking to the guy and then he walks out the door to kick ass.

Only one man here has a sack

And then the episode goes all "crumpets, crumpets, etc." The English think Heller is senile. Great.

Bauer and Kate finally meet on equal terms. They talk professionalism. And then Jack reveals he's been working for a terrorist for the last 3 years. But of course, Bauer didn't turn evil; Jack was taking down the worst of the worst from the inside.

Ah crap, the Russians call Chief-in-Law. And now we learn that the weasel signed the President's name on a transfer order to send Bauer to Russia. Ah, no wonder he's been hiding around everything involving Jack. Wow, this is perfect.

And we finally get the official beginning of Jack & Kate- Jack explains his plan to get his terrorist contact to talk about Shadow Mom but it involves triple crosses and using Kate as a canary in the mineshaft. What the heck is Bauer talking about? Who cares, Kate's life is in danger and she wants it that way. Jack is attracted to this sort of thing.

Back at the CIA base, Mr. Julia Roberts suspiciously keeps IT Guy from doing something smart so no one can find out that Mr. Julia Roberts probably set up Kate and maybe her husband in that whole traitorous fiasco that forced Kate off everyone's Christmas list at Langley.  Plot thread has been established!

As for the Brits, they've got some thermal imaging that makes it look like Jack betrayed Kate ("Oi! He put his lady in the trunk!"), so they decide to send in one of their own teams to stop Jack. Oh, James Bond, don't you dare try to stop Jack. Jack and Kate (in the trunk) plus eight terrorists (I'm sorry, I hate myself for writing that) all start to get to know each other at some swanky warehouse adorned with rusty chains for curtains other lovely tetanus-causing hazards.  Jack's cockamamie plot to placate the terrorist who knows Shadow Mom is afoot!

Speaking of, Shadow Mom orders Simone to kill her sister-in-law and adorable daughter. Will she do it?

The gruesome interrogation of Kate begins. Kate resists. while Jack tries to get the terrorist to log into a sweet bank account full of money (or a computer virus, it's a Nigerian Lotto thing, you never know!). Kate is about to get a power drill to the head but the Brits storm the building to save her- nooo, they only care about capturing the terrorist. Kate says "Not a problem" and gets the drop on her torturer, killing him with all of her will (legs and a knife). OK, Jack hits "enter" to finally upliad the virus onto the terrorist's computer. Meanwhile, Kate kills some more and then lays back to take in the glorious carnage. And then the terrorist takes his own life when everyone thinks it's all done. Crap!

Luckily, Chloe's virus has derived some useful information. To a phone number, but who's? Maybe to Simone? Simone, you confused Pixie Killer.  She's got a knife under the table as her dead husband's sister asks "How's your marriage?" Simone tries to do the right thing and save her sister-in-law by telling her to run out of London, but the awkward sister-in-law relationship gets a tad more so when Simone accidentally stabs her instead. Ha! And now the little girl is on the run out of the apartment. A good Samaritan starts after Simone as the girl runs away from them both. As the kid is running in traffic, Simone gets hit by a bus and a pigeon flys away with all of the secrets.

Oh and that plot thread I mentioned earlier. Mr. Julie Roberts takes out a funny looking phone. And he calls his evil overlord. OK, thanks for that end scene. Ehh....

Clem is not impressed with that ending.

Tonight's episode feels rushed. I liked Jack and Kate finally having a pow-wow without 20 Marines about to shoot them. And of course, The Jack Sack™ is back, so we can all go back to buying the Classic Heavyweight Messenger Bag - IN BLACK!

See you next week!

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Season 9: 1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. Quick Review

It was 90 degrees today. I have proof:

Yeah, it's still warm in my house because we haven't put the AC units in the windows yet. So tonight, I'm writing about 24 with a lot of extra humidity in my soul.

Previously on 24:

It wasn't 90 degrees outside last week.

Also, Jack Bauer returned from exile to spring Chloe "WikiLeaks" O'Brian from the hoosegow in CIA land, London, England. Yeah, I dunno, just stop at "Jack Bauer returned..."

Jack goes to a pub, now this is about time. 9 seasons in, oh wait, he finds Evil Pies on the bathroom floor. Jack says to Chloe that the Pixie Chick is the killer. Jack also reasons to believe that Pixie Chick will have changed her appearance because if he was writing the show, that's what he would do. Did I also mention that Jack does this all with his trusty manpurse?

Meanwhile, back at the apartment complex where Jack punched everyone, Kate is interrogating the soccer hooligans to figure out who this Yates guy is- you know the guy who Jack already found dead in the bathroom? CIA is always a step behind the Man with the Sack.

Well, Kate doesn't mess around, she starts pistol-whipping the head hooligan, Basher, the one that Jack slashed across the neck. Basher is tough. His lack of being dead shows this to be a fact. Crew Neck tells Kate to stop trying to find Bauer. Hehehe, okay, sure.

Jack heads from the pub to the tube, so this is already an accelerated tourist trip of London. Jack is looking for Pixie Chick. Think he finds her? Oh yeah, she cuts her leg to smear blood on her face to... make it look like Jack already did what he was already going to do to her. Pixie Chick loses Jack by dipping down a side door and right in front of Chloe's car while Chloe fantasizes about being a soccer mom again. So far, these heroes are showing their rust. Chloe reveals that Morris and her son, Prescott, died years earlier in a truck accident. So, Chloe is pretty damned messed up. She's convinced that her family was offed on purpose because of her friendship with Bauer. Jack says some fortune cookie stuff about stopping the bad guys, and the camera lands closely on Jack's sincere eyes. Chloe says nothing. BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP- commercial break!

Unfortunately, the already tiresome subplot of the overambitious Chief of Staff/son-in-law has produced nothing but groans.  Is he dirty? Is he a terrorist? I don't care. The Hellers are morons for letting this guy into their lives. Audrey agrees to do something stupid because the Chief-in-Law said so a few times. And then the guy falsely signs a document in the president's name. So, we're supposed to hate the guy even more, as registered voters. Ha!

Shadow Mom and Pixie Chick are revealed to be al Qaeda operatives. Okay.

Meanwhile, at Shadow Mom's creepy walking garden, mother and daughter talk about "the American." Bauer makes an impression. There is nothing wholesome about this family based on the creepy music playing underneath. Ah, there's a brother. He's the one with the computer skills. He says it will take one more episode to get the drone equipment Yates made working. Pixie Chick then sees her real husband walk in, he's cranky about his wife is hooched up. And with a gaping leg wound! Get some anti-bacterial ointment!  Pixie leaves, Shadow Mom tells her mopey husband to deal with the fact that his wife (and her daughter) banged the hell out of Yates for 3 weeks. It's all for the cause!

Jack brings Chloe back to the Scooby Gang and they begin to piece together the plot with the drones. Jack says please to Mr. Cross (the scarf wearing Assange guy). Cross likes this a lot.

For reasons unknown, Kate's subplot involves torturing Basher. This is to get to Bauer? Kate offers to leave Basher with a rival gang or otherwise he cooperates with them. Basher tells Kate that Evil Pies was involved with some bloke named "Tanner."  They speed off before the rival gang kills them all.

Tanner, of course, is the innocent man who's blamed for the drone attack. Is he innocent or not? I'm confused. I blame my cat, she's easily cuter than Basher.  Hi Clem!

Back to the show-

Shadow Mom sews up Pixie in a dark room. Shadow Mom is obsessed with "this American..." so the stitches go extra painful for Pixie. No one loves in this family. They're basically like the terrorist version of the Kardashians. But the Kardashians terrorize us already, yes, I know, but these people are sadly more productive.

Kate talks to Mr. Roberts (yeah, he's kind of in this episode to say "Don't push the envelope, you loose cannon!"). He says "Okay, push the envelope, you loose cannon!" Oh snap- character development!

President Heller is wearing a robe, it's 1:45 p.m. This is not going to be a good scene.  Audrey tries to convince her dad to not speak to Parliament, but old pops charms her daughter into shutting up. Audrey's got the crazy eyes. *eyes roll* Please don't drag out this Heller drama.

Jack Bauer gets on line to turn himself in at the U.S. Embassy. Wait, strike that, "Ron Fairbanks" (Jack's favorite film star of the silent era and go-to later ego) is going to visit the U.S. Embassy to speak with Tanner, the drone patsy. If you want to register @RonFairbanks on Twitter, have at it- there's comedy in those hills. Thanks to Mr. Cross ginning up a fake ID, Jack can walk into any dance party in London!

Pixie and her hubby have a moment. Hubby is pounding contraband sauce in the bedroom. Pixie wants some... hubby. He is freaking out over the whole cause- it's not about Pixie being promiscuous. He's having a real crisis of conscience. Pixie will have to kill him before Shadow Mom does it first. And then we see Shadow Mom bugged the room with a camera. Creeeeeeeeeepy!

Heller gets out of a limo and walks to Parliament. Stephen Fry says "Crumpets, yardarm, thistleberry, Hurrah!" Basically, "Don't fuck it up, Yankee Doodle." Good pep talk, Mr. Prime Minister.

Awwww gawd, Audrey and Chief-in-Law... just shoot them both at this point.

Woah, is this actually Parliament? I'm impressed if it's a fake set.  Alright, Heller walks up to the podium and begins to speak his apology, that is until a bald British prick interrupts. And then some British lady and then, oh my God, so many Brits are yelling! If only Heller wasn't senile, then he could whip up some charming answers to the screaming. Right? Yeesh.

Kate and Crew Neck are at the U.S. Embassy. Holy shit, they're going to see Bauer- I mean Fairbanks. Tense coincidence! Kate walks right by Jack. CIA wins again! Jack is free except for the fact that his ID is bogus (he was double-Cross-ed. Get it?). AND THEN JACK DROPS THE JACK SACK ON THE DIRTY LONDON GROUND! And before you can even cry over this, Jack leads an insurgent force of British protesters through the Embassy gates and overrun Kate, the military defenses and all U.S. sovereignty. But... he dropped the damn bag on the ground....

Worst episode ever.

I kid.

BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP BLOOP

Alright, subplots are taking shape. The CIA is slow, but Kate is half-brained. The Shadow Mom is creepy, and her family is all messed up and terroristy. President Heller is beset by fools and scumbags. Heller deserves so much better, this is one of the best supporting characters who finally gets a shot at doing good things. He's David Palmer-levels of good, so please stop making him feeble. On the plus side, Jack still brings the chaos and now that he's set to spring Tanner and take on the entire U.S. government, I think we have a good few episodes coming up. Just pick up the bag, Jack. Please!

24: The Movie Poster Concept #1

Picking up from last week's announcement of a "24" film, we suggest 20th Century Fox take a similar approach here to what it did with the well-worn "Apes" series.  Get your prequel on, FOX!  Show us where the Bauers came from once and for all!

"Get yer stinkin paws off my Jack Sack, you damned dirty Bauer!"

Getting Your Blog Back On

I've been out of this blogging gig so long that I've returned to find that no one blogs anymore!  You people with all of your tweeting, friending, tumblring, linkedining, etc.  Well, throw on your White Stripes albums and imagine a world where a movie ticket cost $10, where no one knew of Kim Kardashian and where this site threatened to shoot you in the kneecaps if you didn't watch "24."

It's good manners to say where you've been when having been silent for such a long time.  Here it is: I was at work being a lawyer.

My friends and family can confirm this statement.  I was at work, losing my creativity and energy in an attempt to catch up on my career.  I went from watching films and making pot roasts to playing corporate politics and eating tinned fish for dinner.  Somewhere along the way, I wrongly brought my moral compass to work and began to get truly upset with the things I was witnessing.  Don't get me wrong, I've not found anyone breaking the law (well, except one guy, but that's not something I can talk about until the case is adjudicated, stay tuned, seriously). What gnaws at me is something less pressing but more disheartening: a lot of people lack a conscience.  It's a defect that doesn't appear during casual chit-chat or even formal meetings. Unfortunately, it shows up with the larger things: a layoff that wasn't necessary or justified, an expense report that covers a $5,000 sofa, or two or three of them, and a complete lack of accountability for the really bad things that people do to each other on a regular basis. 

If I thought my group was somehow uniquely dysfunctional, I would be fine with everything I mentioned.  But this is not nearly as bad as other places I know and many more I've heard of from my associates. Simple tasks are made difficult because things not having to do with the work involved become priorities: who takes credit? Who gets to fly out to the event?  Who cares!

And then there was The Jack Sack™- emptied of its excellent contributors and readers, the site stood silent, asking me to write once more.  I made several attempts to publish something, ANYTHING, to show you signs of life.  I would start a review of a movie and then stop and delete the whole draft. I prepared a commentary on the whole Mosque at the World Trade Center because I was impassioned to speak to those ideals our leaders were failing to articulate. I was also trying to make you laugh- drafting a story of "Where is Jack Bauer at this VERY moment" and couldn't piece together one funny idea regarding his whereabouts.

Instead of writing to fill space, I chose to put this operation on hold. And while I am sure I made the right choice given what was going on in my life, I also know that I greatly missed writing.  Goofing off is my escape. This site was created on a goofy notion- to honor and perpetuate the legend of a tough guy's manpurse. "24" fans understood the absurdity of this fixation. We made friends, and competed to be as ridiculous as the show eventually became. 

The show's end in May 2010 made my desire to write about Jack Bauer almost disappear. I'd said everything I thought about the character- serious and ridiculous ideas both! I forgot how to draw out the silly shit from the show into the open to exploit for comedic purposes. My show walked away from us. Who wants to talk about a friend that beats it out of town and doesn't write back?

I do, apparently.  When Cirroc posted a comment the other day about a new "24" film, I finally started to care.  And now that the film is looking to film in a couple of months, I think this site is ready to resume.  Hey, we may even show these kids what more than 140 characters of copy will get you.  Jack Bauer is so good at killing bad guys that if he tweeted about it, he would force Twitter to give him a special account that knows no rules.  And then there's the Doctor from Doctor Who- always changing, always upbeat--  I'll take note of those habits in particular.

24 Season 8: 12AM-1AM Quick Review

Renee, let's play "24: The Blame Game!"

I guess stabbing Jack Bauer (accidentally or not) results in some problems with the 'ol boss.

But before we get into that mishegoss, we start off with the Russian family, which is quickly diminishing in ranks. Right when Joseph is about to cooperate and bring the much-talked about "Rods" into CTU, he gets shot by a well-positioned terrorist working for Hassan's emo-brother. But worry not, the phone line was open long enough to narrow the terrorists location down to 10 square miles. And right as Jack realizes he's gotta go driving again, he makes time to chat with Renee and make sure they're all on the same-page. But what that same page means goes quickly from "Remember, you stabbed that Ruskie in self-defense" to Renee responding "Jack, wanna come over later and split a bottle of chablis?"

These "living on the edge" types really don't know how to do anything romantic without bloodshed, do they? I wonder what their wedding will look like... 'Nam, most likely.

But the great melodrama of tonight's episode centers on Renee Walker being set-up for some political fallout surrounding the death of some scumbag Russian arms dealers. I've been silent on the idiotic political stuff happening on the show this season but tonight's bureaucratic angst has pushed me over the edge. Blame Renee for what exactly? For them losing the rods that she got them close to in the first place? I predict the following scene will eventually take place, resolving Renee's legal woes: 

JACK: Madame President, this girl is kinda my lady friend now. Give her a blanket pardon, ok?  
PREZ TAYLOR: You want fries with that, Jack?  

Jack returns to CTU in a hybrid-powered SUV brigade and quickly puts together the whole set-up. He then engages in very Jack-like behavior, breaking into the interrogation, choking some Justice Dept. "hack," liberating Renee from the room and getting a whole 5 feet out before a CTU "redshirt" (this year they're wearing a neutral beige) tazes Jack. What a wuss move! Jack was on a roll! Bah! 

As for these nuclear rods, the fugitive emo-Hassan turns out to have a conscience after all- he's called CTU (how did he have their number?) to inform them that while he is, in fact, a terrorist, there are more terrible terrorists terrorizing NYC. It seems the convoluted plot to smuggle rods into the US to then smuggle them out was not really a good idea in the mind of emo-Hassan's terrorist cohorts. Ha! 

But the greatest moment in all of Season 8 took place as Jack was walking out of CTU. Hastings runs after him yelling "Jack! Jack! You complete me!" Jack offers to save planet Earth if they let his new girlfriend off the hook. Hastings whines about some work-related pressures but finally says "Are you in or are you out?"  

Jack's response? He pulls The Jack Sack strap from one shoulder, over his head, onto his other shoulder-- like a symbol that the manpurse just became "active." The music swells. Hastings kneels down and kisses Jack's pinky ring! Oh heck yes!!!  

There was some stuff with Jenny/Dana and the Brothers Dim, but I don't recall any details at the moment. I am in Jack Sack afterglow. So, make sure you all activate your manpurses, copy that?

24 Season 8: Jack Bauer's Leather Bag Information

Alright, I went so far as to actually contact the good people who work on "24" but they were not forthcoming with information on Jack's fancy brown leather sack. But that can't stop us! By miracle of the internet (and actually help from Shane, an astute and very helpful reader of this site) I present to you THE SEASON 8 JACK SACK:

The bag is made by Ralph Lauren. It is called the Double RL (RRL) Leather Mail Bag. It retails for $895.

I haven't found a merchant link for it, it looks like it was released in 2009 and is probably not a part of the current collection. You can try your luck at RL outlets or through 3rd party sellers. Let me know if you find a place that sells it and I will share that information with everyone else in a front-page article.

So, if anyone from the show is reading this, no need to get back to me, we're okay. ;)

24 Season 8: The New Jack Sack [UPDATED]

UPDATE: Mystery solved. The bag is a Ralph Lauren RRL Leather Mail Bag. It retails for $895. The full story is here.

Featured here in these photos is Jack Bauer's metrosexual manbag for Season 8. If anyone knows the make and model of this bad boy, email me directly at thejacksack@gmail.com. Thanks!

The Jack Sack interviewed by OnlyGoodMovies.com

I guess my movie reviews during the off-season of "24" have made an impression. Shane of Only Good Movies recently conducted an interview with yours truly on a wide array of subjects related to film. Go check it out here. Thanks again, Shane!

24 Season 8 Premiere Has Been Seen!

Herc of Ain't It Cool News has seen the first 4 episodes of Season 8- while he is under embargo by FOX from writing an official review, he does hint that he liked what he saw.

And more importantly, he declares that The Jack Sack™ is indeed featured in these first 4 episodes. I just hope TJS isn't the mole this season... anyway, here's the official preview which has been out there for a few weeks:

24 Meets '80s Advertising

Check back in a couple of hours- a big update is coming. In the meantime, I present to you Absolut Bauer, an original Photoshop creation:

The Suggestion Box Is Open!

Hey good people!

I'm checking in again to see if any of you have suggestions for this blog. Lately, I've gone nuts with the movie projects, and I'm glad do see so many of you are enjoying them. I guess the old adage "what I really want to do is direct" holds true even for me.

But my recent obsession with the movies has been at the expense of my typical fan-fiction style posts. I have to admit that killing off Bill Buchanan (The Jackster's James Morrison interview can be read here!) put a damper on my enthusiasm for storytelling. But I'm better now- Bill is dead and we all need to move forward.

Based on the different styles of posts I've delivered over the past few months, what do you want to see more of here at The Jack Sack? Is there anything you can think of that I haven't done yet? I have a couple of more video projects in the works already, but beyond that I'm more than happy to take any suggestions you may have. Thanks for taking the time to offer your ideas.

24 Season 7: Introducing The Jack Pack™ (?!?!) [UPDATED]

UPDATE: Chad, you bag-maniac, you've done it! This is The Jack Pack: Maxpedition MONSOON™ GEARSLINGER I also have a product link to the right of The REAL Jack Sack in case you're interested.

You've seen the episodes, you've heard the rumors and now you're wondering "What is that thing Jack is using for a manbag?" Thanks to a loyal reader (good work, Chad) we have an up close still of this sack-interloper- ladies and gentlemen I bring you The Jack Pack:


I'm going to try and track down the make and model of Bauer's new fashion accessory. It's a napsack, a schoolbag, something a weed dealer would carry around the University of Maryland. No, I'm not happy about it. Sure, it's less gender-bending, but that's why The Jack Sack was so brilliant! Jack Bauer made it cool for men to wear purses. And now, I fear our masculine dream of redefining what is acceptable male fashion is at risk. For years I've been promoting the idea that men should be allowed to wear skirts (we need the fresh air!) but alas we can't even succeed at handbags.

If anyone out there knows the details on Jack's new bag, please let us know.

What do you want to read?

Hey gang,

I'm opening up the blog a little to ask you if there's anything in particular you'd like for me to write. I haven't run out of ideas (yet!) but I am curious to take your pulse and see what you're thinking.

So... requests? Suggestions? Encores of past post ideas/concepts? Less comedy? More comedy? Let me know, I appreciate your feedback.

-Adam

THE JACK SACK™ Reports In!

Greetings from Vietnam!

That's right, while my partner Jack Bauer was touring the world over the past few years to engage in humanitarian work, I decided to do the same. Along my journey, I befriended a young man named Daniel Horn, who was working at an orphanage. Daniel and I had lots of non-violent adventures together, teaching local children about how a sturdy canvas bag can be used to transport them safely through any terrain. Here's Daniel's take:

"Information: my name: Daniel Horn, I was working in a orphanage in Vietnam and this was one of the kids. Earlier on she was dragging around my heavy loaded jack sack, so I thought why not put her in there :)."

Editor's Note: Daniel, thank you for your email but more importantly thank you for your work in the orphanage. The Jack Sack is only as good as the person carrying it. This is by far the coolest testimonial we've received at this site.

Jack Bauer Commemorative Coins! Limited Time Offer!

Hi, I'm Mike Novick, former Chief of Staff to two U.S. Presidents. Quit peeking at my suspenders and listen up! I come to you today with an exciting offer- for a limited time you can join in the celebration of Jack Bauer and his manpurse, The Jack Sack. As our nation gathers around for this epic moment, you can take part by purchasing these unique collectibles.

For $19.99, plus shipping and handling, you will receive the entire series of DAMMIT HALF-DOLLAR coins. And if you act now, we will throw in a free hacksaw, just like the one Jack Bauer used to cut the head off a pedophile while being held in custody. Take that, Montel Williams!



To be honest, these coins are completely worthless. They wouldn't even be accepted as currency in Albania. Trust me when I tell you, we are stealing the real money you have and converting it into the fake money we made at our plant in Sangala. But what does it matter? This nation loves Jack Bauer. He is the one we have been waiting for. Jack Bauer will stop any terrorist. Jack Bauer may even pay off your mortgage, who knows?! Therefore, it is especially prudent in these tough economic times to give up the little money you have to show your support. These coins are loose change we can believe in.

What's with Jack's "Kiefcase"?

Watching the 2-hour premiere event for "24" last night, many of you bag-fans may have noticed that Jack was carrying a rather fancy new manpurse, which we here will call "The Kiefcase." Pictured below, The Kiefcase is not built for any combat use. It's more Eddie Bauer than Jack Bauer, methinks. And much like Bauer's Columbo raincoat, The Kiefcase is a mere cover, to convey an image of Bauer being an older, harmless individual. "I'm no torturing madman, Senator!" Yeah, well thankfully The Kiefcase and Columbo-coat won't last long.



Join me in demanding the end to The Kiefcase and the return of The Jack Sack!

"24" SEASON 7 COUNTDOWN: 2 Days!