Monday, May 26, 2014

No Quick Review after tonight's East Coast broadcast

Hello, my beloved readers:

I am not going to be home tonight while the new episode of 24 airs, so my normal Quick Review will be delayed. If I have the wherewithal to stay up later to watch it, I'll post a Quick Review afterwards. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend (and to my international readers, I hope you had a lovely Monday).


P.S. Here's an obligatory picture of Clementine waiting for a new episode of 24.

Monday, May 19, 2014

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Season 9: 2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. Quick Review

Previously on 24:

It's a cat!

Okay, that didn't happen. The only thing that happened worth mentioning is that Jack Bauer dropped The Jack Sack outside the U.S. Embassy. And what happened right after that? Everything went crazy for Jack. Coincidence?

A bunch of Brits storm the U.S. Embassy like the Beatle Invasion, but without any of those cute haircuts. Jack sneaks his way in and gives some poor slob the sleeper hold. Chloe walks Jack towards Tanner's holding cell. Kate and Crew Neck tell the Marines that Tanner is the target, that Jack is more powerful than 2 branches of the military combined. The Marines beg to differ. Okay, this should be interesting.

Meanwhile, Jack introduces himself to Tanner and a Marine AND HE COLD COCKS THE MARINE! Holy shit! Jack tells Tanner that he's Jack Bauer. Tanner quickly realizes this is some major shit. Now, let's get Tanner's flight key out of the building to save the day! Hooray exculpatory evidence!

Jack starts to make his way out of the Embassy just as Flint, Roadblock and whoever the hell else they can throw at the situation close in. Jack realizes that escape is not an option, so he wants to email pictures of cats from Tanner's flight key to DailyCute and break some web hits records. Chloe reminds Jack that emailing pics of cats will surely not get him out of the Embassy. Bauer reminds Chloe that meow is not the time to argue.

Back at the Casa del Terrorista, Shadow Mom says "How long?" a few times. If you blinked you would think she was talking to her daughter and son-in-law in a post-coitus scenario. Damn, Shadow Grandma, slow your roll! So, Son-in-law (Pauly Shore) wants to abscond with Pixie Chick on a cross country tour of B&Bs and non-terror related activities. But Pauly, you're the best drone pilot we have! (Huh?) Pixie gets a little weepy, and I'm guessing she lies by saying "Sure, Pauly, anything for the wea-zulllll!"

Kate talks to Mr. Julia Roberts about why they're 20 steps behind Bauer. Bauer, as this happens, finds a room full of underpaid nerds in the basement. Chloe knows where they store the nerds in these places. Jack makes Chloe give him her word about getting the cat pics to DailyCute. Some decryption shit happens, slowly so Jack has to speed things up by... shooting Marines in their body armor?! And then suddenly Jack is screaming at Mt. Vesuvius. Oh, that's a commercial for Pompeii. Come on, anything can happen on this show.

Pixie and Shadow Mom start a nice moment over Celestial Seasonings (more like Creepy Seasonings). Pixie sells out Pauly Shore after about 5 seconds a stare-down with her mother.  Shadow Mom, you're so intuitive with your spy cameras.  Shadow Mom says "Pauly Shore WILL pilot those drones, don't you worry."

President Heller is still talking to Parliament? He's got control of the room, offers conciliation, to allow England to annex Long Island ("Keep it! Seriously!" he says). Chief-in-Law gets a phone call from Mr. Julia Roberts. Roberts says I can't keep your secret any longer. Bauer is going to be front page news.

Jack talks to the nerds, tells them to stay calm as they vomit into their shoes. Ha! Welcome to 24 nerds! This isn't like "Bones" where you jackbirds solve crimes with science and shit! Jack is here to give you some gunpowder evidence if you get out of line, ya dig?  Upstairs, Kate opens up to Tanner, good cop style. Crew Neck does some bad cop stuff, and then Kate gets all the info she needs. Kate is lining up with Bauer's mission. Crew Neck expresses surprise at this development- and by surprise, I mean great disgust.

Heller finishes his God Blessings and the Brits love it. Chief-in-Law pulls Heller to a side room with Audrey and he drops the name Jack Bauer. Audrey has a mental breakdown at the very mention of his name! Nononono, I kid. Heller says "I'm going to talk to Bauer." Heck yeah! Heller is the man. Four more years!

Shadow Mom and Pixie both meet Pauly to remind him that he needs to murder innocents. Pauly says no dice. Shadow Mom says no dice no dice! So, Shadow Mom starts hacking off fingers from Pixie! Hey, it only took Pauly one pinkie to break! That's true love! Pixie loses her typing championship title, but sacrifices must be made for the good of the cause.

Kate tries to intervene with the Marines but they're not interested in talking. Kate calls Mr. Julia Roberts for help, no help there. Then, Roberts talks to some kid (Jordan) about how Jordan thinks Kate is attractive. I assume this will come into play later this season when Jordan does something for Kate that gets Jordan into trouble. Thanks, writers!  Right when everything is about to fall apart for Jack, Heller's call mercifully starts. "Jack, I'm the President!" "That's awesome news, Mr. President!" Audrey smiles big in her crazy little heart. Jack tells Heller that the drones are vulnerable and that Tanner's drone was a test. Jack then tells Heller the name of the terrorists. Is that enough flippin' info, Mr. President?! Heller asks Jack why he didn't call him up first? Jack reminds Heller that he gives him his word. End call. Chief-in-Law says Jack is a terrorist. Audrey says "Jack is Jack, pops!" Then they recap the last season that I cannot really remember! Heller hears about this and decides to take down Jack. Crap.

The Marines are about to storm the room. Orders are given to kill Bauer. These are not official orders, this is that "Code Red" stuff that Aaron Sorkin taught us about in that movie with Tom Cruise. Kate announces to Crew Neck that she is going to do something awesome and dumb. She goes into the ventilation shaft. 15 years ago today, Obi Wan Kenobi did the same thing in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Okay, enough sad talk, let's get back to the show!

Audrey and Chief-in-Law have a row. How very British! Audrey is sane! Chief-in-Law exhibits further scumbag behavior. Can they get a marriage counselor episode in this season? We only have 12 hrs total! NO!

Jack flips over tables in anticipation of the Marine party. Before blowing open the doors, the Marines see another heat signature, Crew Neck says it's Kate and that they should give her a chance to get Bauer out. Meanwhile, Kate drops into the nerd closet and tells Jack she believes him. Kate takes Jack into custody just as the Marines storm the room! Oh snap, Marines, no shoot first for you! Hero music plays. Kate is a new 24 legend! And she has all ten fingers! Take that, Pixie!

And now Shadow Mom has the drones under control. Pauly, it's now up to you!

Finally, a classic episode of 24. This hour had everything- an impossible situation, great character moments, dismemberment, and mother-daughter tea kettle chit-chat. It's like Quentin Tarantino's "Gilmore Girls." That's how I like my television done, and I'm very much back into this story.  Next week looks to be even better- no spoilers for my readers that refuse to see the previews- just know that I'm very happy with how this is going.

Monday, May 12, 2014

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Season 9: 1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. Quick Review

It was 90 degrees today. I have proof:

Yeah, it's still warm in my house because we haven't put the AC units in the windows yet. So tonight, I'm writing about 24 with a lot of extra humidity in my soul.

Previously on 24:

It wasn't 90 degrees outside last week.

Also, Jack Bauer returned from exile to spring Chloe "WikiLeaks" O'Brian from the hoosegow in CIA land, London, England. Yeah, I dunno, just stop at "Jack Bauer returned..."

Jack goes to a pub, now this is about time. 9 seasons in, oh wait, he finds Evil Pies on the bathroom floor. Jack says to Chloe that the Pixie Chick is the killer. Jack also reasons to believe that Pixie Chick will have changed her appearance because if he was writing the show, that's what he would do. Did I also mention that Jack does this all with his trusty manpurse?

Meanwhile, back at the apartment complex where Jack punched everyone, Kate is interrogating the soccer hooligans to figure out who this Yates guy is- you know the guy who Jack already found dead in the bathroom? CIA is always a step behind the Man with the Sack.

Well, Kate doesn't mess around, she starts pistol-whipping the head hooligan, Basher, the one that Jack slashed across the neck. Basher is tough. His lack of being dead shows this to be a fact. Crew Neck tells Kate to stop trying to find Bauer. Hehehe, okay, sure.

Jack heads from the pub to the tube, so this is already an accelerated tourist trip of London. Jack is looking for Pixie Chick. Think he finds her? Oh yeah, she cuts her leg to smear blood on her face to... make it look like Jack already did what he was already going to do to her. Pixie Chick loses Jack by dipping down a side door and right in front of Chloe's car while Chloe fantasizes about being a soccer mom again. So far, these heroes are showing their rust. Chloe reveals that Morris and her son, Prescott, died years earlier in a truck accident. So, Chloe is pretty damned messed up. She's convinced that her family was offed on purpose because of her friendship with Bauer. Jack says some fortune cookie stuff about stopping the bad guys, and the camera lands closely on Jack's sincere eyes. Chloe says nothing. BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP- commercial break!

Unfortunately, the already tiresome subplot of the overambitious Chief of Staff/son-in-law has produced nothing but groans.  Is he dirty? Is he a terrorist? I don't care. The Hellers are morons for letting this guy into their lives. Audrey agrees to do something stupid because the Chief-in-Law said so a few times. And then the guy falsely signs a document in the president's name. So, we're supposed to hate the guy even more, as registered voters. Ha!

Shadow Mom and Pixie Chick are revealed to be al Qaeda operatives. Okay.

Meanwhile, at Shadow Mom's creepy walking garden, mother and daughter talk about "the American." Bauer makes an impression. There is nothing wholesome about this family based on the creepy music playing underneath. Ah, there's a brother. He's the one with the computer skills. He says it will take one more episode to get the drone equipment Yates made working. Pixie Chick then sees her real husband walk in, he's cranky about his wife is hooched up. And with a gaping leg wound! Get some anti-bacterial ointment!  Pixie leaves, Shadow Mom tells her mopey husband to deal with the fact that his wife (and her daughter) banged the hell out of Yates for 3 weeks. It's all for the cause!

Jack brings Chloe back to the Scooby Gang and they begin to piece together the plot with the drones. Jack says please to Mr. Cross (the scarf wearing Assange guy). Cross likes this a lot.

For reasons unknown, Kate's subplot involves torturing Basher. This is to get to Bauer? Kate offers to leave Basher with a rival gang or otherwise he cooperates with them. Basher tells Kate that Evil Pies was involved with some bloke named "Tanner."  They speed off before the rival gang kills them all.

Tanner, of course, is the innocent man who's blamed for the drone attack. Is he innocent or not? I'm confused. I blame my cat, she's easily cuter than Basher.  Hi Clem!

Back to the show-

Shadow Mom sews up Pixie in a dark room. Shadow Mom is obsessed with "this American..." so the stitches go extra painful for Pixie. No one loves in this family. They're basically like the terrorist version of the Kardashians. But the Kardashians terrorize us already, yes, I know, but these people are sadly more productive.

Kate talks to Mr. Roberts (yeah, he's kind of in this episode to say "Don't push the envelope, you loose cannon!"). He says "Okay, push the envelope, you loose cannon!" Oh snap- character development!

President Heller is wearing a robe, it's 1:45 p.m. This is not going to be a good scene.  Audrey tries to convince her dad to not speak to Parliament, but old pops charms her daughter into shutting up. Audrey's got the crazy eyes. *eyes roll* Please don't drag out this Heller drama.

Jack Bauer gets on line to turn himself in at the U.S. Embassy. Wait, strike that, "Ron Fairbanks" (Jack's favorite film star of the silent era and go-to later ego) is going to visit the U.S. Embassy to speak with Tanner, the drone patsy. If you want to register @RonFairbanks on Twitter, have at it- there's comedy in those hills. Thanks to Mr. Cross ginning up a fake ID, Jack can walk into any dance party in London!

Pixie and her hubby have a moment. Hubby is pounding contraband sauce in the bedroom. Pixie wants some... hubby. He is freaking out over the whole cause- it's not about Pixie being promiscuous. He's having a real crisis of conscience. Pixie will have to kill him before Shadow Mom does it first. And then we see Shadow Mom bugged the room with a camera. Creeeeeeeeeepy!

Heller gets out of a limo and walks to Parliament. Stephen Fry says "Crumpets, yardarm, thistleberry, Hurrah!" Basically, "Don't fuck it up, Yankee Doodle." Good pep talk, Mr. Prime Minister.

Awwww gawd, Audrey and Chief-in-Law... just shoot them both at this point.

Woah, is this actually Parliament? I'm impressed if it's a fake set.  Alright, Heller walks up to the podium and begins to speak his apology, that is until a bald British prick interrupts. And then some British lady and then, oh my God, so many Brits are yelling! If only Heller wasn't senile, then he could whip up some charming answers to the screaming. Right? Yeesh.

Kate and Crew Neck are at the U.S. Embassy. Holy shit, they're going to see Bauer- I mean Fairbanks. Tense coincidence! Kate walks right by Jack. CIA wins again! Jack is free except for the fact that his ID is bogus (he was double-Cross-ed. Get it?). AND THEN JACK DROPS THE JACK SACK ON THE DIRTY LONDON GROUND! And before you can even cry over this, Jack leads an insurgent force of British protesters through the Embassy gates and overrun Kate, the military defenses and all U.S. sovereignty. But... he dropped the damn bag on the ground....

Worst episode ever.

I kid.


Alright, subplots are taking shape. The CIA is slow, but Kate is half-brained. The Shadow Mom is creepy, and her family is all messed up and terroristy. President Heller is beset by fools and scumbags. Heller deserves so much better, this is one of the best supporting characters who finally gets a shot at doing good things. He's David Palmer-levels of good, so please stop making him feeble. On the plus side, Jack still brings the chaos and now that he's set to spring Tanner and take on the entire U.S. government, I think we have a good few episodes coming up. Just pick up the bag, Jack. Please!

Monday, May 05, 2014

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY Season 9: 11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. Quick Review

OK, we're back- I had to look at old posts to figure out how I did this years ago...

Previously on 24: I don't remember what the heck happened. It's been a while. I'm guessing Jack was on Dancing With The Stars and wrote a book about gluten-free living.

[I missed the first 2 minutes of the show because my cat, Clementine, wanted to eat so my attention was all over the place. Oh yeah, since we last spoke, I got a cat! She's wonderful, you'll read more about her in the coming weeks]

Bauer is walking around in the dark when a handful of feeble government agents take him into custody. Meanwhile, the United States finally got a decent option for the White House and elected James Heller as its President. And then, just as quickly as we can celebrate this moment, we learn that Heller's Chief of Staff is a scumbag who looks a lot like Tate Donovan.

On the "good guys" side we have Kate (from CHUCK) and that guy from Law & Order's middle seasons (he dated Julia Roberts, yeah, you don't remember his name either). Even though they never closed the deal, I'll call him Mr. Julia Roberts.

Meanwhile, in Afghanistan- people are cranky. This will evolve into lots of yelling and hugging.

Back in London, Kate is looking at Bauer. Kate is a disgraced CIA Agent on her way out of the London office. She has a purse full of CIA pens and envelopes. But she's a good cop with a complicated personal life which included a "husband-selling-secrets-to-China" problem. She's the only one who thinks Jack let himself get caught. She is the only smart person in the CIA.

Mr. Julia Roberts starts interrogating Bauer. Bauer is shirtless and he looks like Frankenstein's monster from the neck down. It's 21 minutes into the episode and he still hasn't said a word. This is fantastic.

The CIA office is up to some bad business down in the basement. It seems our friend Chloe O'Brien fell out of a Amy Winehouse concert into a torture table. And this is why Jack let himself get captured, so he could rescue his best friend.

Chief of Staff guy is looking at Bauer's service records- the confirmed kills that clog his computer. But OH MY GOD, SCUMBAG CHIEF OF STAFF IS PRESIDENT HELLER'S SON-IN-LAW. MR. AUDREY RAINES! For reasons obviously not connected to Audrey having a thing with Jack, her husband is now telling his aide to give Jack to the Russians. Yes, the Chinese are over Jack, but the Russians will have their shot maybe!

Back in the interrogation room (it's only been 10 minutes) and now Mr. Roberts is telling Jack that Kim has had another child- a boy! Mazel Tov, Grandpa Jack!  Kate pulls Mr. Roberts out of the room mid-gloating to tell him that Jack let himself get caught. Mr. Roberts isn't buying it. She quickly locks herself into the room with Jack for 10 seconds, gets Jack to have an emotion, and we can see he's interested in what Kate's about. Or not. He's Jack, the world comes to him. Mr. Roberts gets back into the room, ejects Kate to finish cleaning out her desk, and then makes a funny face to no one in particular.  The closing shot of Mr. Roberts has me thinking he's up to something. Dun dun dun!!!

Jack is taken into the basement where he activates a chip in his wrist and proceeds to kick the living shit out of the two (only two!!!) guards escorting him. Sure enough, Jack gets Chloe free and they begin their escape. Meanwhile, Kate, also a fugitive within her own office (she tased her security escort before he could get her out of the building). She's hunting Bauer. Fugitive vs. fugitive! Crazy! Shots are fired, and we have a gas explosion! Kate catches up to Jack, Jack glares at her, and then Jack does that click-wrist thing (like Mr. Data from The Next Generation) and that signals his helper to send an RPG down into the building. Jack and Chloe get out, jump into RPG Guy's van and off they escape! Ta-Da! Textbook Bauer op.

Heller and Audrey ride around London. Heller is ill with Alzheimer's and he is progressively getting worse. Once this treaty with the British is "locked up" Heller implies he will resign. Don't tell your scumbag husband, Audrey.

Back at the smoked out CIA office, Mr. Roberts knows that Kate is probably his smartest Agent, so he relents and gives her her job back.

Jack and Chloe are getting set to make their next move. Chloe gets dumped out of the van (and sent as an unwitting decoy in jack's larger plan). Jack says "I don't have any friends" to RPG Guy. RPG Guy doesn't seem terribly hurt.

And in Afghanistan, a drone is taken over by bad guys and it attacks an Allied troop convoy. Who did this dastardly deed? I don't know, but I swear I will not rest until I find out! Wait, there's a guy with a computer and he just said "It's done." That's the guy! I can rest now... or maybe he's just a shady dude baking pies. Delicious, freedom-hating pies!

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP (end 12:00 p.m.)

Chloe wanders the streets aimlessly, and back at the CIA tree house, the kids are all battered, bruised and sad. Kate looks to source a local police officer's help. He has curly hair and a goatee. Is he a friend or a foe? He's someone that Sherlock would ridicule.

There's a CIA guy wearing a crew neck shirt. He hates what Mr. Roberts is doing. He hates Kate too. He hates everything! Except crew neck shirts. My man!

Chloe gets back to her Snowden safehouse. She hugs a creepy old dude. He has nice underwear, I'm guessing. Creepy guys overspend on their underwear.

Jack breaks in, like a cop. What are you doing, Jack? Jack has only one question: which one of you is Derek Yates? No takers. Jack starts roughing up Fancy Knickers. Yates, apparently, is connected to an assassination plot against President Heller. Hearing this, Chloe shakes off the interrogation blues and becomes a fully in-charge leader of these Scooby Hackers. She even snarks at Jack that he should have just asked for her help in finding Yates, instead of using her as bait.

Wow, London is a dump! So far, no one has a nice, stable family situation going on. Some Pixie Girl starts manhandling Evil Pies (the guy who said "It's done" at the end of the last episode). An older woman calls Evil Pies to talk business (she, a woman who eschews indoor lighting). Shadow Lady has an interesting way of saying "schedule"- she says "shhhedule" and that makes Evil Pies repeat it back to her in the same way, even though you know that he really wants to say it the American way. Damn, this show has levels of human complexity that I forgot existed in TV.

(At this point, I'd like to say that I'm feeling the rust coming off, it's been 4 years, right? Wow.)

The Drone pilot in control of the out-of-control drone is being efficiently interviewed by a superior officer. The Drone pilot was set up.  Of course, there's a set-up. Poor kid.

Heller meets with Stephen Fry (Prime Minister) and they talk about old guy stuff- prostates, policy-making, etc. Heller then walks off as Audrey continues entertaining him. Heller's team informs the president that there's been a drone attack on Allied troops. Just as he's about to give the PM the news, the PM gets informed by his staff, so there's now a little chill in the air between these two leaders. Here we go, 1776 Part 2!!!!

Chloe asks Jack why he's doing all of this- but Jack is slow with the answers. "This is bigger than Heller" but then he says "I'm doing this because I owe him." Ok, so it's a little confusing. Ooooh, Jack just said "This is our only play" and suddenly I feel like I'm swimming in ice cream again. Chloe offers help to be his comm support.  Let's get Yates! Let's make this a 2 hr long season! (I know... not happening).

Alright, Heller wants to speak to Parliament. Mark, the Chief of Scum, hates the idea. Heller also orders his General to hand over the drone pilot to British investigators. The General (Walter from Arrow, a British man I think) is an American General telling the president to not hand over the American soldier to the British- GAH! I'm not ready to blog again!!!

Kate starts closing the net around our fugitive heroes, she's identified Chloe's location through some sort of SIM card thingy her local cop pal had on hand. I don't know. It's unimportant, the thing we need to know is that Kate is resourceful, doesn't play by the rules, and needs to chalk up a win to repair her reputation. Jack and Chloe are already in a van, ready to go catch Yates.


The Drone pilot is shown being put onto a truck for transport. No one is saying nice things to him.

Heller is prepping for a Parliamentary appearance by practicing with Audrey and Mark. Heller kicks unruly ass with inspirational language but then Mark goes off on Heller with harder questions, silly questions, questions about the boiling point of mercury and the name of the fifth Beatle. WHAT'S HIS NAME? You're unfit to be president, Heller! Yeah, this won't get annoying for the next 10 weeks...

Jack and Chloe disable the hallway camera and then Basher (Basher? Who's this goon? Oh, he's pals with Evil Pies) has to decide if he's going to hand over Evil Pies (which I've now made the connection, is Yates) to Jack. Basher isn't cooperative, despite his conciliatory name. So Jack takes out the room full of goons, while Evil Pies and his Pixie Chick make a run for ut. Evil Pies must really like Pixie Chick. Or maybe he's never had a girl like him before.

OK, CIA shows up, a la Tarantino (not a way to make pasta, it's a way to make great action showdowns). As Jack is closing in on Pies & Pixie, the CIA tell Jack to drop his weapon. Dagnabit! Basher, bleeding profusely, shoots at Jack, gets him in the arm, and the CIA guys all hit the deck. Jack uses this opportunity to escape into the parking garage. Jack gets the drop on Kate, holds her for a moment and explains that he's trying to save Heller's life. Jack then knocks out Kate and runs outside to luckily find Chloe with a stolen getaway car. The valuable intelligence Jack recovered from Evil Pies bedroom yields a lot of value, until it starts self-erasing the thumb drive, hard drive, etc. At least Jack knows the scope of the plan.

Oh, Evil Pies, you're slick. So, we know now it's all about the drones. Many more drones are compromised.  Evil Pies goes to pee and Pixie walks in on him in the restroom TO STAB HIM IN THE EAR! Awww, he really did love her. And she had to take this thing to the next level of death.

Pixie calls Shadow Lady, who's apparently her mom. Her terrorist mom!


This was a good start but holy heck is this weird writing about and watching 24 again. I don't know if I'll be doing Quick Reviews for all episodes because writing and watching TV is not enjoyable for me. But if I don't write down my thoughts, I'll forget... like Heller, who's Audrey again?

24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY: Yes, I'm the Sack...

I've avoided most news about the new 12-part series so I'm sure I'll be making a lot if confused goose noises when watching tonight's premiere. I don't remember how I used to do this, but I believe I posted my stream of consciousness immediately after each week's episodes and that's how I'll attempt to get the rust off tonight. Come back after the show airs (I'm on Eastern Time) and hopefully I'll have something enjoyable for you beautiful readers.

Cue AC/DC:

Jack is back
With his sack
Got a new song, Rob Ford smokes crack
Yes, I'm confused
Like a goose
Nothing's kept me blogging about
Watching our favorite spy
'Caused this website to go dry
I'm not a purse and I don't drink chai
I carry lots of knives,
And condoms, Jack don't want another child

'Cause I'm his sack
Yes, I'm the Sack!
Well, I'm the Sack!
Yes, I'm the Sack!
Well, I'm
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Well, I'm The Jack Sack