Friday, January 30, 2009

THE JACK SACK™ Reports In!

Greetings from Vietnam!

That's right, while my partner Jack Bauer was touring the world over the past few years to engage in humanitarian work, I decided to do the same. Along my journey, I befriended a young man named Daniel Horn, who was working at an orphanage. Daniel and I had lots of non-violent adventures together, teaching local children about how a sturdy canvas bag can be used to transport them safely through any terrain. Here's Daniel's take:

"Information: my name: Daniel Horn, I was working in a orphanage in Vietnam and this was one of the kids. Earlier on she was dragging around my heavy loaded jack sack, so I thought why not put her in there :)."

Editor's Note: Daniel, thank you for your email but more importantly thank you for your work in the orphanage. The Jack Sack is only as good as the person carrying it. This is by far the coolest testimonial we've received at this site.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


(Note: This article will be updated later today as more entries filter through).

That's right, folks. Don't be afraid, it's just another rage-fueled edition of our favorite weekly gathering- The Carnival of Bauer! Let's get right to the articles:

First, we have the thoughtful and insanely prolific Kasia of "AmeidaIsGod[dot]com" with her Top 24 Bad Ass Jack Bauer Moments of "24." And definitely check her site daily; Kasia and her team of Almeidaists always provide excellent commentary and discussion on our favorite television program.

Well, if an Almeidaist like Kasia is able to give Jack Bauer her full attention, then it's only fitting that "Jackster" tip his cap to Tony Almeida. Here's more from the man himself: Greetings fellow 24 fans. The name of my blog is "the covert diaries of jackster" and I write mainly about theories, patterns, trends, and compile lists with analysis of all that is in the 24-universe. The post that I have linked here is Day 1's entry into my "best character of that season" called "24 Insight." I chose Tony Almeida for Day 1's award (I generally leave Jack off all the lists because, frankly, he'd just win all the awards). I also have posted analysis in a series called "24 Best of" where I made a case for who was the best President, Chief of Staff, Jack's field partner and main villain on the show, as well as 6 others. I am in the process of brainstorming more lists and analysis, so please check out my blog for new posts. Thanks!

Next we have Natalie of TwentyFourOnline. If you haven't been to her site, check it out- among other things, it's the coolest image archive for "24" with episode screencaps, promo art, etc. Nat recently sat down for an exclusive interview with Bill Buchanan himself- James Morrison. Morrison comes off quirky and slightly insane, which is no surprise.

Tony Almeida Junkie Blog comes in with a recap that I tend to agree with, focusing on the Emerson/Henderson connection and why it should have mattered a great deal more to Tony. Are we being duped by 24's writers or are we overreacting (or both?).

The fun doesn't end there. Next, we have Steve of Magic Lamp with his usual hilarious, snarky and smart recap of this week's episode. Steve also talks about a bunch of other television shows, but due to my single-minded nature, I honestly can't tell you what that's all about.

Speaking of single-minded (hehe, here we go) our dear friend, and brave female voice in the Blogs4Bauer Family, AmyV (The Queen of TV Blogging!) is still ranting about the (mis)use of the silent clock for Renee Walker in her recap of this week's episode. Amy, I say she technically died, so the silent clock is kosher. Now, I'm going to duck behind my desk and wait for your response...

Now, just like in The Godfather, you must always pay respect to the Don- Jack Bauer himself of Blogs4Bauer. JB drops all 578 character nicknames in his TivoBlogging recap.

And here's my spoof of our favorite PBS home-improvement program: This Old House: CTU Los Angeles.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This Old House: CTU Los Angeles

Between Season 6 and 7 (about a span of 4 years in the world of "24") CTU was disbanded by the Federal Government. A whole arm of government bureaucracy was left abandoned. What was left behind remains unknown... until now!

KEVIN O'CONNER: Hi everybody, welcome to this week's episode of "This Old House." We're in Los Angeles overseeing the renovation of some commercial office space that was once the headquarters for the Counter Terrorist Unit. If these walls could talk, I imagine they would be screaming out in agony. Let's see how Norm's making out...

NORM ABRAM: Hi Kevin, boy we really got our work cut out for us here. We got Tommy doing the duct work after we lost Rich and his subcontractors to some strange illness. They started bleeding from their eyeballs and they choked on their own vomit.

KEVIN: I guess they weren't wearing their safety goggles!

NORM: That's right, always do a job with the right tools. So, as you can see here, I'm using this leftover office furniture as material for a Grandfather clock that we'll place in the main sitting area. It will be a classic New England design with a Shaker-Mission influence. Hopefully these occasional explosions won't throw us off schedule.

KEVIN: Be sure to put on a fresh flannel shirt before our next segment. I'm gonna go check on Tom....

(Moments later)

TOM SILVA: Jesus Christ, Kevin, what have you got us mixed up with?

KEVIN: I take it the ducts are not going well?

TOM: If you call inhaling Syntox nerve gas "not going well" then yeah it's wicked terrible here.

KEVIN: Will this put us behind schedule?

TOM: Nah, not at all! We'll get rid of the corpses and hazardous material like we always do. In the meantime, let's talk weatherstripping.

KEVIN: Alright, what have you got?

TOM: This is an exciting new material that just came out on the market last year. It's biodegradable but guaranteed to last for 100 years-- cutting edge stuff and made in America!

KEVIN: Tommy, what's that under the desk?

TOM: Oh crap, its a fat, dead guy. (sigh)

KEVIN: Alright, let's check back with Norm!

(Back at the main floor)

NORM: As you can see, a unique touch like this transforms a dark, death-ridden hell-hole into a warm common area. And this clock is well-calibrated to count off 24 hours accurately, time and again.

KEVIN: Join us next week when we check the plumbing systems in CTU, which are guaranteed to be full of surprises.

We're Hosting This Week's CARNIVAL OF BAUER!

When: Tomorrow
Where: I said it was here, DAMMIT!
Why: Because it builds muscles.

Submit your zombie-loving articles for this week's Carnival of Bauer HERE.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

24 Season 7: 1PM-2PM Quick Review

Okay, now this is 24!

1) Horrific acts of terror: Terrorist Dubaku (the Wookie) decided it was time to finally act on his promises of death and mayhem by causing the mid-air collision of two airplanes over Washington, D.C. What did President Taylor do in response? Well...

2) Ass-Kicking President: Alison Taylor put down her foot finally! After 5 episodes of conference calls, Taylor decides to do something, and that thing is to defy Dubaku's demands to withdraw U.S. forces from Sangala's borders and to remain in position to topple the corrupt dictator. Sean Callery (composer) even hooked her up with some hero music.

3) Tony and Jack: The Brotherhood of Bullets! Things got violent early for these two. Emerson's suspicions push him to confront Jack and Tony and... well Emerson left that conversation with a couple of bullets. And it was revealed that Emerson was an associate of Christopher Henderson. Why, upon learning this, didn't Tony immediately kill Emerson right then and there is a mystery to me (Henderson helped kill Tony's lovely Michelle). Bah! It's all good, Emerson found a way to end up dead anyway... or did he?

4) Bill and Chloe: The Old Guard Still Got It! I want a show with Bill and Chloe where they put together motorcycles or some other thingamajigs. Watching those two work together is excellent television. And I love the "Pulp Fiction" needle nod when they revived Renee Walker. Speaking of which...

5) Guilt trips: Renee Walker was unaware of Jack's good intentions, I stand corrected (I thought she was hip to the plan and played off being angry). No, the girl was genuinely pissed off at Jack, laying it on heavy ("You SHOT me!") Lady, have you any clue how many times Jack has shot his friends and co-workers? And back at FBI headquarters, not-so-subtle Larry Moss is having a panic attack over losing his "maybe-sorta" girlfriend, Renee. He lays into Hillinger pretty nice. Ah, I love this show.

6) High body count: 24 isn't doing its job unless it "ties off loose ends" as one character put it in this episode. I love how this show is unafraid of ending a character's run. Last week's episode was ridiculously tame. Last night's episode made up for that big-time.

So, next week looks to be another high-body count extravaganza. And hopefully the FBI mole is revealed. Any guesses on who's the mole?

Monday, January 26, 2009

24 Season 7: Are YOU The Mole? God, I Hope So...

Let's review the evidence, shall we? Blonde, young, vivacious AND she's willing to consciously sleep with Sean "Queens Blvd." Hillinger! If this chick (I think her name is Erica) is not the mole, then we have been greatly letdown by the peeps running "24." Barring any revelations to the contrary, who else do you think should be the FBI mole? Here are some alternatives I deem slightly acceptable:

1) The uneaten ham sandwich on Janis Gold's desk: Assuming by her name that Janis is a non-practicing Jew, a ham and cheese sandwich is muy trafe! This non-kosher intruder is my kind of villain. Verdict: So... delicious... and evil.

2) The suspicious squirrel that lives outside of the J. Edgar Hoover building. Yeah, I got my eye on you, ya lousy rat. Verdict: Under the right stewing conditions... also delicious!

3) Speaking of Hoover, how about the ghost of good 'ol J. Edgar? Keep a lookout for his portrait on the walls of FBI headquarters. If his lazy eyeball starts to move, you know we've found our mole (cue Scooby Doo music). Verdict: Not so delicious.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

24 Season 7: Amish Unafraid of Terrorists

Editorial by Josiah "Limpy" Stover on the missing CIP device (as transcribed by The Jack Sack):

Hiya Brother,

I see that the land of beeping machines is in a bit of a pickle! Evil terror-mongers have absconded with the key to your systems. I don't want to say "I told you so" because that would be a sin, but... well, G-d forgive me- I TOLD YOU SO!

Being Amish doesn't seem so bad now, does it? Sure, we don't have indoor plumbing or electrical-circuitry to make our lives easier. But we also don't give a hoot about some computer machines going South, causing the End of Days, eh? No, sir, you don't need to plug in Mrs. Stover to get her to do the dishes or wash the clothes (but that's not to say she doesn't require the occasional "hard reboot" as you fancy people would say!). But that doesn't mean our lives are simple. Just last week, my neighbor "Butter Jake" was afflicted with a paper cut which was life-threatening. Sure, we could have used a little more technology to get him through the ordeal, but luckily he only lost the finger and not the whole limb.

That sort of business aside, we are truly living in an Amish Paradise, and by the looks of it you'll be joining us soon. I hear you have a secret weapon named Jack Bauer working to save your way of life. He came through our area a year ago, walking around and screaming "DAMMIT!" at our oxen. I never got to know him, but people say Bauer reminded them of my uncle "Balky John." "Balky John" used to only eat with a spoon when his wife threw out all of his forks (worried they were tools of the Devil). He never made a new set of forks until after she died. Eggads, that's dedication! Hope for your sake that Bauer spoons these terrorists to death. Wait... why are you laughing? Bah!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Renee Walker Tracks Down a Rare DVD- A "24" Picture Book!

The Jack Sack's tradition of translating "24" into fun adventures for the whole family continues!

"Honey, maybe we can stay in tonight and rent a movie. I really want to see 'The Love Guru.'"
"Henry, I can order a tactical nuke strike at any given moment for no reason at all. Are you sure you want to fuck with me right now?"
"The Ambassador to France said she loved it, come on!"
"If you weren't such a tiger in the sack... okay. Call it in."

"Hello, Library of Congress? Yes, this is the First Gentleman. I'm calling for a copy of the 2008 comedy hit 'The Love Guru.' (pause) You don't have a copy? (pause) Get it from Mike Meyers? You kidding me?!"

"Hey, manservant! Call the FBI- we need to track down comic-actor Mike Meyers. My romantic evening with the President has just gone critical."

Minutes later...

"Yeah, it's confirmed. Paramount Pictures ordered the destruction of all copies of the movie shortly after its release. They even hired a group of ex-military elites to eliminate Mike Meyers."
"You think they would have done the deed after 'The Cat in the Hat.' Alright, we need to get this guy right away!"

"Bauer, you and Agent Walker have your orders- get the DVD from Mike Meyers- torture him if you have to."
"Like make that prick watch his own movies?"

In the car...

"Jack, how do we find Mike Meyers?"
"Follow the trail of people not laughing."
"Was- uh was that a joke?"
"It's the last good one you're gonna hear all morning."

At last, they get their man:

"Mike Meyers, I'm Special Agent Renee Walker with the FBI. We're here to take you into protective custody. We will also need you to bring the last remaining copy of 'The Love Guru' with you."


"Hey Meyers, I heard your wife dumped your ass and took all your money."
"Wait a minute, that means I'm single again. OH BEHAVE!"
"Jack, don't encourage him... he's really annoying the shit out of me."

"Before I give you the last copy of my movie, I want to know why you've come to get it. Are you going to destroy 'The Love Guru' like the others?"

"I think your screenplay did a pretty good job of that already."

"All I have to say is 'assphinctersayswhat.'"


"Your partner is a babe! She's magically babealicious! In Latin she'd be called 'babeia majora.' If she were president, she would be 'Baberaham Linco-'"


Moments later...

"Jesus, Jack, that was aggravating."
"I didn't think you were going to kill him, Renee."
"Yeah, well I heard 'Austin Powers 4' was in preproduction, I had to act fast."
"Copy THAT!"

Back at the White House:

"Pardon me, Madame President. The FBI just called, they weren't able to get the DVD. And Mike Meyers is... well he's dead, ma'am."
"Good. Get the names of the Agents involved and line them up for Presidential Medals of Freedom. And get me a copy of 'Die Hard 4' for tonight. I gotta do some homework on this crisis."

(Editor's note: This post is part of this year's first Carnival of Bauer!)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Overheard in FBI Headquarters

Riffing on the ever-popular site "Overheard in New York," (and our own "Overheard in CTU") here are a few snippets of things overheard within the confines of the J. Edgar Hoover Building in D.C.:

Agent #1: What are you working on?
Agent #2: Oh this? (looks at computer screen) I'm ebaying some of old stuff.
Agent #1: Now?! Dude, we're about to lose our network to the terrorists!
Agent #2: And I gotta move these Hummel dolls before that happens!


IT Tech: So, CIP stands for Critical Infrastructure Protection. We have it in place to save us from a failure of our nation-wide systems.
Cute Secretary: And this is what is not going to save us from the terrorists right now?
IT Tech: Um, well it's a complex system.
Cute Secretary: You helped build this?
IT Tech: Yeah, pretty much.
Cute Secretary: Can I have my phone number back?


Office Manager: Should I bring out Larry Moss' birthday cake?
FBI Mole: Eh, not yet, I have to finish the icing (hides grenade in pocket)
Office Manager: No prob! By the way thank you so much for helping out, Agent [NAME DELETED].
FBI Mole: It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
Office Manager: Aw, is that from a song?
FBI Mole: I think Nixon said it after he resigned.
Office Manager: Oh...


Guy in caf: Wait, Jack Bauer was here?!
Girl in caf: Just this morning. You know the guy?
Guy in caf: Oh crap-- uh, yeah I worked with Bauer at CTU.
Girl in caf: Were you there when the nuke went off?
Guy in caf: Which one?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

24 Season 7: 12PM-1PM Quick Review

This week's episode of "24" was a less-stirring Bauer Power Hour than the previous 4 installments. Okay, so we have to put up with the occasional set-up episode to get the bigger payoffs later on, I get that. But somehow, I feel like the way things developed, there could have been a great deal more danger and action mixed into the proceedings. The showdown at the Sangalan Prime Minister's home could have been a brutal conflict. There could have been a car chase after Emerson (with Renee Walker being held hostage). And what's with the bright-yellow getaway truck Emerson insists on using? Why not paint a sign on the side saying "FBI, FOLLOW ME!"? Or better yet...

And another thing- a very big gripe I have with the producers: what's with the silent clock after Jack "shoots" Renee Walker? We all know she didn't get shot and that she didn't die. Are we supposed to worry that she won't be able to dig herself out of the shallow grave Bauer has made for her? Or are we meant to worry about her life being in danger very soon? It doesn't make sense to use the most sacred of "24" traditions on something like this. Have we had a false-positive with a silent clock before? This is the Teri Bauer-death clock, people! We can't just throw that at some redheaded hussie who's gonna make it out alive next episode. Unless... nah! I don't buy that she's a goner. There's too much chemistry between her and Jack.
Okay, rant over. This was a sub-par episode. No kill-count, maybe a couple of "Dammits," no manpurses and FBI boss Larry Moss is all whiny at the office over a pesky Justice Dept. dude. Yeesh, next week has a lot to make up for after tonight's show.

ONE MORE THING: I think we'll find out soon that Renee Walker was faking her anger at Jack. She knew all along that he was a good guy, but she went on her own (shook off Larry, etc.) to find out for herself what the gig was, and to help out Jack. She completely played along (perfectly too). That's good character work if it turns out to be the case.

Monday, January 19, 2009

24 Season 7: 12PM-1PM Sneak Preview

I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but tonight's episode brings two major characters together. Some leaked script pages I found in an abandoned '73 Gran Torino reveals the following:

Bet you didn't see that plot twist coming, eh? Season 7 of "24" is a whole new bag.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Jack Bauer Commemorative Coins! Limited Time Offer!

Hi, I'm Mike Novick, former Chief of Staff to two U.S. Presidents. Quit peeking at my suspenders and listen up! I come to you today with an exciting offer- for a limited time you can join in the celebration of Jack Bauer and his manpurse, The Jack Sack. As our nation gathers around for this epic moment, you can take part by purchasing these unique collectibles.

For $19.99, plus shipping and handling, you will receive the entire series of DAMMIT HALF-DOLLAR coins. And if you act now, we will throw in a free hacksaw, just like the one Jack Bauer used to cut the head off a pedophile while being held in custody. Take that, Montel Williams!

To be honest, these coins are completely worthless. They wouldn't even be accepted as currency in Albania. Trust me when I tell you, we are stealing the real money you have and converting it into the fake money we made at our plant in Sangala. But what does it matter? This nation loves Jack Bauer. He is the one we have been waiting for. Jack Bauer will stop any terrorist. Jack Bauer may even pay off your mortgage, who knows?! Therefore, it is especially prudent in these tough economic times to give up the little money you have to show your support. These coins are loose change we can believe in.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Tony Almeida Files Claim For Fantasy Baseball Winnings

We have just learned that before Tony Almeida “died” in Season 6, he was leading his Fantasy Baseball League. In fact, both Almeida and Curtis Manning finished in first and second place respectively, despite being killed. While Curtis remains dead, Tony Almeida has now put in a claim for the league’s cash winnings (approximately $300), which coincidentally fell to Jack Bauer’s third-place team (by operation of CTU’s very detailed “In Case of Death or Dismemberment” clause in the Fantasy league’s bylaws).

Almeida recounts his last memory of the fantasy league: “Just before I died, Bauer offered me Ryan Howard for Sabathia straight-up. I was about to accept the trade, but thankfully Christopher Henderson stabbed me with an overdose of hyoscine-pentathol. Phew, he saved my season!”

League Commissioner Milo Pressman could not be reached to render a decision because he is also dead (still). League bylaws designate that the Los Angeles CTU director will make decisions on behalf of the Commissioner in such an event. But because CTU is no longer in existence, there is no official designate.

Currently the Secretary of Homeland Security is considering the matter. We will update you as this situation develops further.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Metropolitan Police Dept.: "Our Crime Rates Have Suddenly Spiked", Blames Jack Bauer

Metropolitan Police Department Spokesman Sgt. Edgar Deaks has just made a statement insisting that D.C. residents stay indoors for the next 24 hours.

Even for the crime-hardened city, Sgt. Deaks explains "(r)eal-time statistics that we've gathered show an unprecedented rise in criminal activity, which can be directly attributed to the presence of former Federal Agent Jack Bauer." Specifically, assaults, resisting arrest and illegal possession of a firearm has risen 92%, murder is up 319% and flying cars without a license is up 1,000,000%.

Confused MPD officials are reaching out to the Los Angeles Police for any guidance they may have to offer, having survived several prior "Bauer Events" in recent years. An unnamed source at the MPD told us of his concerns: "Are you [expletive deleted] kidding me? Bauer was in L.A. when that nuke went off! On the plus-side, I'm gonna make enough overtime to put two of my kids through college. Go, Jack go!" Even D.C.'s most hardened criminals are impressed: one Vatos Locos member said "Jack is a straight pimp- tell him he's always got a job waiting for him with us. We don't care if he's PO-lice."

Again, if you have no immediate need to leave your home or office, please remain indoors until the Bauer Event has subsided. Sgt. Deaks remains optimistic, saying "Generally, these things last no more than 24 hours, which is strangely uniform for something so chaotic."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day... Today!

Have you ever just felt like screaming at your significant other "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!" Well, today is your day to act on that impulse.

Blogs4Bauer runs this gig, and we wholeheartedly support it. The holiday is simple, you go about your day and drop a "copy that" and "DAMMIT!!!!" whenever it is the most highly inappropriate. We take no responsibility for any pecuniary damages you suffer as a result of your conduct. I mean Jack Bauer talks like Jack Bauer and look where that got him (Chinese prison, shot, stabbed, etc.). Please talk like Jack Bauer wisely. Void where prohibited.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The 24 Season 7 FBI Gang Looks Familiar...

Ah, so that's where the Scooby Doo Gang ended up. Good to see they're still working together.

(From left to right): Janis Gold = Velma, Sean Hillinger = Shaggy, Larry Moss = Fred and Renee Walker = Daphne. For the sake of driving the joke home further...

See, in the business this is what we call "casting to type." Yeesh... try and be less obvious guys!

Monday, January 12, 2009

24: Season 7 Hours 10AM-12PM Quick Preview (and an Overall Gut-Check).

Before tonight's 2-hour event airs at 8pm on FOX, here are a few pointers to think about while watching (SOME SPOILERS):

1) Pay close attention to Tony: You will learn a lot about what he's been through since he "died" last season. The writers have something interesting at work here- is he good or is he truly bad? I think before the season is over, that question will be up in the air more than once.

2) Janis v. Chloe! I love this setup. Just enjoy the geek-off, it's about as satisfying as "24" can get. I can't wait for them to meet face-to-face after what they go through tonight.

3) Follow the money: First Gentleman Henry Taylor is investigating his son's "suicide" and he is making fast progress in finding some answers. And, of course, there's large sums of money involved that lead to further clues, begging the next question--

4) What's this Sangala meshugaas anyways? Sangala, the fictitious country from 24: Redemption, is the center of the opening hours' plot. Here's what we know:

  • Domestic terrorists (under the direction of David Emerson) are aiding Gen. Juma's control of Sangala by stealing a device that hacks the U.S.'s infrastructure systems.
  • Gen. Juma has sent Col. Dubaku to work with Emerson on U.S. soil (Dubaku was in "Redemption" as the ruthless #2,; Bauer killed his brother at the school). Remember, Dubaku swore revenge against his brother's killer. Bauer v. Dubaku should happen soon.
  • Prime Minister-in-exile Motobo is working the newly-minted U.S. President, appealing to her idealism in an effort to have her commit U.S. forces to overthrowing Juma and returning the country back to Motobo.
  • Jonas Hodges (Jon Voight) has been laundering money through an associate in order to fund Gen. Juma's control of Sangala.
  • First Son Roger Taylor was murdered for his knowledge of Hodges involvement.
  • There are people within the Taylor Administration that are involved in the murder/cover-up/overall conspiracy.
The big question about all of this plotting is "Why?" What's going on in Sengala? What do they have, if anything, that's keeping people like Hodges involved? It can't just be diamonds. And what's Motobo's motives beyond wanting to make his country "free" again? He seems noble, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had some not-so-honorable motives. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION to what Samantha Roth (The First Son's ex) says to Roger Taylor tonight-- there are lots of clues buried there. And...

5) Does F.B.I. stand for Freckled Babe Investigator? Just wondering...

So, there you have it. Enjoy tonight's show, it's going to be very action-packed, I guarantee.

The Allison Taylor Treatment

24's new president, Allison Taylor, is already a strong character. Cherry Jones is a very likable Commander-in-Chief (not since David Palmer have we really had a chance to like any of these people in the White House). Now, I love U.S. history-- particularly those quirks involving the Presidency. One that I always found amusing was how Lyndon B. Johnson physically and emotionally manipulated lawmakers through a practice known as The Johnson Treatment (see below):

Undoubtedly, Johnson's huge personality was an over-compensation for something else. Due to genetics, however, President Allison Taylor does not suffer from such insecurity. She doesn't have to fake anything, see below:

This lady is all class.

What's with Jack's "Kiefcase"?

Watching the 2-hour premiere event for "24" last night, many of you bag-fans may have noticed that Jack was carrying a rather fancy new manpurse, which we here will call "The Kiefcase." Pictured below, The Kiefcase is not built for any combat use. It's more Eddie Bauer than Jack Bauer, methinks. And much like Bauer's Columbo raincoat, The Kiefcase is a mere cover, to convey an image of Bauer being an older, harmless individual. "I'm no torturing madman, Senator!" Yeah, well thankfully The Kiefcase and Columbo-coat won't last long.

Join me in demanding the end to The Kiefcase and the return of The Jack Sack!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

24: Season 7 Hours 8AM-10AM- Quick review [UPDATED: Where's Chloe?]

[UPDATE]- I know many of you are wondering "Where's Chloe?"- worry not, she is definitely going to appear in Season 7. In fact, I hear she has a very interesting role this time around- you will not be disappointed.

I'll have something more "Jack Sack-ish" up in a little while, but I wanted to chime in quickly with my initial thoughts:

1) Kiefer is the reason we watch: The good thing about these first 2 hrs is that it focused heavily on Kiefer Sutherland. There was not nearly enough Jack Bauer in Season 6, and if this new season is to be successful, Bauer needs more screentime. So far, so good.

2) Renee Walker, FBI: Wow.

3) Zombie Tony: Pretty good motive for going bad (Logan and his crew were let off easy, which is actually kind of unbelievable considering a former US President was killed, but wait, they never really did catch those guys who got JFK, did they?). I like Tony. Tony is an important part of the show. So far, very good!

4) The President and her entourage: Ehhhh, Cherry Jones is great as the President, but these other guys around her are less so. They're all good actors, but their purposes have yet to be articulated. I'm holding judgment until a few more episodes on this crew.

5) The villainous plot: Completely a mystery as of yet. I will not guess about the future of this season, but I do like the idea (even if Die Hard 4 did it already) of the nation's firewall being breached, thus leaving all major infrastructure vulnerable. Only in America could we make ourselves that vulnerable. Completely believable, unfortunately.

6) General vibe: This is a slow-simmer start. The preview for tomorrow night's two-parter looks more kinetic. I'm happy beyond belief that the show is actually back. But it won't be "24" until Chloe and Buchanan pop up. And Bauer looks old in that Columbo raincoat. Gotta lose that coat, Jack.

24: Redemption- Epilogue! Jack and Willie Tour the Nation's Capitol!

Or is this a prologue to tonight's premiere? Take your pick.

By the end of 24: Redemption, Jack Bauer became close friends with a young boy from the Sangalese village, Willie. Here we find Jack moments before he walks into the Capitol Building to testify before the Senate on torturing terrorists, trying to shake free of Willie one last time:

"24" 2-Hour Premiere Tonight!

The wait (almost 2 years) is now at an end. New Bauer. New (Zombie) Almeida. Foxy Chloe. Dollar-Bill Buchanan. Madame President. 'Splosions! Gunplay! Jack on C-SPAN! CAR CRASHES! HELICOPTERS! AIRPLANES! FIREWALLS! THAT INFERNAL TICKING CLOCK! MANPURSES!

And of course DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Jack Bauer has fresh ammo and all the world rejoices! Think about how you want to experience tomorrow night's two-hour premiere. Choose your clothes wisely- lean towards something comfortable but not too much so. I do not accept people watching "24" while wearing sweatpants.

And make certain that you have all of your affairs in order- feed any dependents you may have (animals, children, lazy spouses), and arrange your seating area by your television to allow for maximum intense viewing (remove pictures of cute things, like the aforementioned dependents- they are too distracting).

I will be joining the misfits at Blogs4Bauer to do some live blogging during the premiere, so drop by and join the gathering of debauchery.