Monday, March 26, 2007

Detroit Rocks

Special thanks to Mike Duffy of the Detroit Free Press for giving The Jack Sack some... well, "free press." I welcome everyone from the Motor City to this blog and I'm looking forward to giving you some laughs along the way.

FYI, The Jack Sack will be liveblogging tonight's episode at Blogs4Bauer. Here's the direct link. And here's a preview of the debauchery...

The Kim Sack!

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Greetings ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages!

Come one, come all to this week's Carnival of Bauer- where we drag out an old-timey favorite game from years past: Whac-A-Mole! CTU has a mole, you can whack him (or her) right on the noggin'! And if you catch the mole, you get a prize- you save the country from World War Three... and you also get a Barney The Dinosaur doll (all prizes are subject to change, special thanks to Blogs4Bauer for helping The Jack Sack potentially ruin a kid's day by conducting this carnival)!

Amy Vernon, television blogger extraordinaire, gives an excellent recap and reaction to the moley-ness from Monday's episode.

If you haven't yet done so, go to Jim's "24 In 24" site- it is top-shelf comedy. Stay tuned to his blog for the remainder of the week for his full treatment of Monday's episode, but in the meantime, he gives a few quick thoughts. And go through his past entries as well.

Here is Yankz from "Because It's Sour" swinging the mallet at the mole- and all the while he considers the evil that (Vice) Presidents do, and the women in Jack's life. Go now!

I don't know who this "24 Whore" is, but I like her style. Welcome to the family, ya floozy.

"The Liberty Papers" challenges your brain with thoughts about torturing moles.

Doug Mataconis also discusses torturing moles "Below The Beltway" something that many in the media have continued to discuss throughout this season.

"Magic Lamp's" Steve Pietrowicz celebrates Audrey Raines' (alleged) death with a detailed recap of Monday's episode.

"Your Cake Or Death's" jwookie also celebrates Audrey's (not-so-fast) death as well! I'm beginning to sense a trend here...

Jeff Koupa gives a vermouth-fueled drunken rant over at "Truth v. The Machine."

King Tom commands that there must be more Jack Bauer in the Power Hour. This blog agrees with His Highness. And maybe a brief appearance by The Jack Sack? (I know, I'm... pathetic).

And for Mole's Sake, will someone please give Smiley a hug!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Jack Sack Recap: Last night's episode- awesome!

I don't really get into straight recaps of episodes as there are countless other sites that do fantastic work, but last night's episode in particular makes me want to high-five people in the street and hug kittens 'till they don't "mew" no more. Yes, last night's episode was that good.

I knew things were off to a good start when Gredenko, wearing a sweater under an overcoat in the Mojave desert, dropped a "Dammit!" when told he only had one drone ready to launch. You can't top little moments like that.

Or maybe you can! Flash forward to CTU's newest breathalyzer- Chloe O'Brian. Milo tries to convince Chloe that Morris is back on the sauce, this while they're tracking a bloody drone that's flying towards millions of innocent lives! Chloe says she'll check Morris' breath by walking over to him and smooching him right on the spot. Morris is momentarily touched but Chloe, true to her nature, informs him that the kiss was meant to check his breath. Morris immediately does a "cool guy" trigger gesture to Milo who shyly smiles back and does a "yeah, that was me" gesture back to Morris. Was this scene absurd? Yes. Was this scene entertaining? Double-yes!

Then you had a "Macho Grande" moment with Nadia and Mike Doyle. If you're a fan of "Airplane" you'll know what I mean. Throughout the movie, there is series of vague references to a terrible event in the hero's past called "Macho Grande." Well, while Nadia is being interrogated by Doyle for being a suspected mole, she spits back at him (in a very sweaty scene) "I read your file! I know what you did in Denver!" My mind began to race about what Doyle could have done in Denver and I have settled on the notion that he killed several suspects my making them eat steaming-hot omelets. That would absolutely violate the Geneva Conventions.

But my favorite development is Jack learning of Audrey Raines' "death" (come on, do you really think she's dead?). Jack, who is two white wines away from canoodling with his dead brother's wife, gets the bomb dropped on him that his tortured, beaten and all-around miserable former girlfriend, Audrey, died in China while looking for Jack. The official story was Audrey died in a car crash. Jack smells a rat. So, what does Jack do? He ace-bandages his internally-bleeding abdomen, waddles over to Chloe to get a PDA and cell phone (for killing purposes, no doubt) and then informs Buchanan that after this day is done, he's going to kill 1.5 billion Chinese people until he is certain that he has had his revenge for Audrey's murder. This will make "Kill Bill" look like an episode of "My Little Pony." At the end of the episode, when the first responders detected radiation with their Geiger counters, I thought to myself "That's not radiation from a bomb, that's Jack's anger setting off those instruments!"

So, let's recap: we had a very sweaty Nadia, the Chloe Breathalyzer, Denver Omelets, and radioactive angry Jack. I'd say that was a fantastic episode. Hopefully we'll get more of the same energy for the rest of the run (ten episodes to go!). And can we get a health report on Chuck Logan? I'm reading a lot of militant kiwi-fruit sites that claim he's dead. Very disturbing stuff...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Holy Mole-y!!!

It seems there's always a mole running around CTU. Usually, it's some new face that turns on the CTU gang from within. With that modus operandi established by the writers, wouldn't it be refreshing if there was a true betrayal by a friend, a loyalist, that decides for whatever reason(s) that the terrorists need to win this round? With that in mind, I am voting for a significant shake-up for this season- I nominate Chloe O'Brian as this year's mole.

Okay, so this is some form of sacrilege that I'm suggesting here, I know. Chloe is a beloved character- she's Jack's loyal friend and go-to person in a crunch. But that's exactly why her betrayal would be magnificent. Jack has been kicked around, tortured, killed, burned, etc. You name it, and Jack has had to endure it. And let's add Chloe turning bad to that list because it would mess with Jack even more than some garden-variety turncoat (like Morris or Milo).

But you're saying to yourself "how could they explain Chloe being a mole?" Well, remember that this year's plot is linked to last year's group of bad guys. Also, remember that Jack believed the murders of David Palmer, Tony Almeida and Michelle Dessler were all meant to drag Jack out of hiding. Whomever set up the whole group of killings knew Jack was alive. Well, Chloe knew Jack was alive. Chloe was the one that called Jack, forcing him out of hiding. Graem and Phillip Bauer would certainly be interested in Jack's whereabouts. They'd also want to neutralize Jack in the face of what they were planning. And remember at the end of last season, when Chloe holds the photo of her and Edgar? There was some cryptic writing on the back of the picture that on freeze-frame makes you wonder what the heck is going on:

Written backwards are the words "JACK IS DEAD." What is that all about? Is it a clue or is it a dead-end? If the writers had any grapes whatsoever, they'd push for Chloe being the mole. This is more wishful thinking than serious prognostication on my part. If forced to place a bet, my money would be on Milo or someone like that because that's what the writers would probably end up doing. But if they wanted to shock us like they did in the good 'ol days... Chloe would be the best mole in "24" history, and that's saying a lot.

Friday, March 16, 2007

300: The Jack Sack Movie Review

So, this is Sparta.

PLOT: Around 400-something B.C. a small army of Ancient Greece's greatest warriors, 300 soldiers to be exact, are under siege from an invading army from Persia and they meet their invaders in a stylish film that is meant to embellish the art of war a la the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same name.

THOUGHTS: That brief synopsis above really does tell you all you need to know about "300." The movie has a lot of style imbued into it's look- from its repeated use of slow-motion sword fighting to the exaggerated visuals of monsters, freaks and other rejects (the bad guys). As a movie buff, I can tell you that this movie is visually unique- the sets are all "digital" (a phrase often overused nowadays) meaning that they have all been created by computers. What you see onscreen comes from the imagination of artists. And nothing here is meant to be taken literally. Some articles have been written criticizing "300" for being historically inaccurate. See, there really was a Battle of Thermopylae. Spartans really did fend off an invasion from Persian forces numbering in the several hundreds of thousands. But "300" doesn't concern itself with history because the movie aims to create a surrealistic tale glorifying blood, death and mayhem. To that end, "300" is a complete success. But is it a good movie? Not really.

I would describe "300" as a 90 minute movie trailer. It's nice to look at, but you're still left wanting for the actual story after the credits roll. The characters are all there, starting with the Spartan king, Leonidas, and his Queen Gorgo. There is a villain, Xerxes, who is an 8 ft. tall drag queen leading the Persians against our heroes. But for all of these characters, there is little meaning. And speaking of trailers, the movie's coolest lines have all been revealed in "300's" previews. Having been inundated with these commercials over the past several months, I honestly felt like I had seen this movie already. The cliche "style over substance" definitely applies to "300." It's a beautiful-looking film- the artistry is all onscreen. But the characters are so basic that you don't really care which way the story goes. Perhaps it is because the story goes nowhere that the characters are set and finished within the movie's first ten minutes. The movie starts with the warning of war. There is a brief build-up to battle. And then there's a battle. "Spartan" is a good word to describe the character development in this film. We don't gain any insight into Leonidas, other than that he loves his wife (but is too freakin' macho to even say the words). Leonidas is also a fierce warrior. Well, I should hope so if he plans of squaring off against a million Persians with 300 of his best soldiers. And Xerxes, the Persian king, is a pastiche of evil imagery- he's hairless, alien-looking and he has piercings all over his body. Basically, he's the last guy you'd want to run into stumbling home drunk.

But THE battle- the whole focus of the movie- exists in a vacuum. What are the stakes really? We are given such a narrow view into the world in which this movie takes place, that the story has no relevancy. Sure, there's a lot of talk about freedom and slavery, but those phrases have little weight when they are juxtaposed only with violence. Honestly, this movie could have spent 30 minutes on the Battle and the remainder of its time on the fall-out and I would have been a lot more engaged with the story. Imagine if "Star Wars" was a 90 minute movie about the battle to blow up the Death Star. That's basically what "300" amounts to- it's flashy, cool-looking but ultimately an empty vessel. Without any real human characters, the story falls flat and the movie renders itself irrelevant.

Now, I know it sounds like I'm trashing this movie- and in a way I am. But while watching it, I didn't actively dislike anything I was seeing. The movie does entertain with its style, and I was immersed in the experience. But after a couple of days of digesting "300" I look back and feel a nagging emptiness that I attribute to a complete lack of substance to the story and its characters.

WHAT WOULD JACK HAVE DONE? Jack Bauer, like the Spartans, has faced unbeatable odds many times before. First, he wouldn't have bothered with 300 CTU members for back-up. He would have instead uncovered a secret recording showing that Xerxes was actually a woman and he would have released this recording for the Persian army to hear. Upon learning that their Persian King is in fact a Drag Queen, the Persians would have packed up their gear and gone home, leaving Xerxes alone to fight Jack. And do we really need to speculate on the outcome of that fight?

CONCLUSION: A lot of sizzle and no steak- "300" is a series of movie trailers that fails to substitute for an actual movie.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Kiwi Fruit Organization protests "24"

On Tuesday, the World Alliance for the Cultivation of Kiwis and Yams (WACKY) issued a terse statement in protest of "24's" apparent misrepresentation of kiwi fruit onscreen. In part, WACKY stated "The mishandling of kiwi fruit by the show's producers and writers only serves to foment further kiwi-hatred within America. The show even went so far to implicate a kiwi fruit in the murder of a former U.S. President." Specifically, there is a scene in Monday's episode where former First Lady Martha Logan throws a kiwi at her ex-husband and in a flurry of activity that soon followed, Charles ends up with a knife in his shoulder. While video playback shows Martha stabbing Charles, it is not clear if the kiwi fruit was holding Charles down while this happened. Many viewers believe the kiwi was working with Martha.

WACKY cites nationwide riots at kiwi fruit stands all week as being a direct result of "24" and its portrayal of the fuzzy, squishy fruit. Standing in solidarity with its kiwi brethren are the Yams of America. Yams, who have been fighting their own battle in recent years to politically distinguish themselves from their more controversial cousins, the Sweet Potatoes, reaffirmed their dedication to peaceful protests. "Every Thanksgiving, we have to mount our own campaign to undo the misinformation spread about our group. We know how it feels to be unfairly associated with rotten fruits and vegetables. We're here to tell this country that kiwi fruit are non-violent. No American kiwi would ever try to assassinate a former leader of this great country."

Despite their efforts, pictures often carry greater weight than the spoken word. And the image of a kiwi violently attacking a former president is too difficult to ignore. One anonymous kiwi told us "They should be having parades for us, we killed one of the worst men to ever lead this country." And it's quotes like that which make us doubt the kiwis public declarations of peace.

Editor's Note: This article, also appearing in Blogs4Bauer, was written with the aid of NyQuil Cherry Flavor moonshine- err medication!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Introducing CTU's Newest Tactical Team Leader: Mike Doyle

Here's Mike Doyle introducing himself to the support staff before heading out into the field:

Monday, March 12, 2007

We're LiveBlogging at Blogs4Bauer tonight!!!

Just a quick heads up to everybody-- The Jack Sack is liveblogging tonight's episode at Blogs4Bauer. I reveal what I had for lunch as well. Come by and heckle me!

Go here for the fun!

Hey Jack, remember me?

Dear Jack,

I've written this letter countless times over the past several weeks. I don't know how else to say it but... damn I swore I wasn't going to cry- Jack, it's over between us.

I've been your trusty manpurse for a few years now. We've saved this great country together, in case you've forgotten. I was there when you had to fake your death and leave your whole life behind. I was there when you came back out of hiding and blew up those terrorists at the airport. I was there when you clutched sweet Tony to your breast and watched him die. I was there when you got revenge on Henderson, ontop of that Russian submarine. But it wasn't all business, was it? We had some laughs too. Remember when you screwed with that diplomatic plane's avionics by pulling on those tension chords? Dude, you're a wildman!

But it's been almost 13 hours since you've been back in the States and you haven't so much as looked at me. I'm The Jack Sack for crissake! Without you I'm just like every other olive-colored canvas messenger bag that anyone can buy (by clicking the convenient link on the righthand side of this wonderous blog!). The other sacks know something's up. They ask me "Hey, have you talked to Jack lately?" Or "Where's Jack been, have you two broken up?" I'm sure your friends don't ask about me... I know they never liked me let alone noticed my presence! It's one thing if you just manned-up and told me we were finished. But to wait here, in your locker at CTU... I don't deserve to be ignored.

I didn't want things to end this way, but you've given me no choice. Don't bother writing or calling, I'm leaving later today on the next Greyhound to West Virginia, where a nice crime reporter told me he's got a place for me in his home. Be good, Jack. You've always managed to find a way to do your job. I thought we could have had one last adventure together, but I'll just have to rely on some fond memories to guide me through this miserable journey called life.

-The Sack Formerly Owned By Jack

Sunday, March 11, 2007

They're like steak and eggs!

Tomorrow's episode sees the return of Aaron Pierce (Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and Martha Logan (Pierce?) former First Lady to Chuck Logan. We saw some sparks last season between Aaron and Martha, but they're guaranteed to sizzle this year. Based on the preview for this week's episode, we get another classic "24" moment when Martha drills Chuck in the face with a peanut, as Aaron Pierce looks on solemnly. Was it a Spanish peanut? A Runner? A Valencia? The peanut-toss situation will be given the full investigative treatment by this blog, I swear to you!

Look at the happy couple!

Friday, March 09, 2007

The Consulate Breach: A Jack Bauer Haiku

We here at The Jack Sack loves us some culture. To that end, we present a haiku poem by Jack Bauer, written in blood on the floor of the Russian Consulate after he was apprehended.

Oh, now I'm angry
The Cold War is back, bitches!
Lost a tooth? DAMMIT!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Logan Bris: A "24" Picture Book!

We're back with a brand-new picture book for you to share with the family: this week's story is called "The Logan Bris." The recently religious Charles Logan has decided that to make amends with God for his past sins, he needs to fulfill the ancient Jewish rite of circumcision. This story picks up right after our first picture book adventure, "Jack Needs a Suit!" Jack is about to leave to see his son's piano recital, when Logan asks Jack to accompany him to meet with the Rabbi who will perform his bris. Obviously, hijinks ensue. Enjoy!

"Okay Chuck, what do I owe you for the suit?"
"Jack, do you know what a bris is?"

"Yeah, the Chinese have a pretty zany version of it, I found out. It's where they cut a penis. Hurry up, I gotta meet Marilyn before the recital tonight."

"Well, I need to meet the mohel this afternoon because I'm going to have the service done to me. I want to show the world that I am truly devoted to God now. So, in exchange for that wonderful suit I made for you, I'd like it if you were there with me during the procedure."

"How about we get you an ice cream cone instead?"

"Jack, I want you to be there with me when the Rabbi cuts me."

"Well, it sure beats sitting through a piano recital."
"Mazel tov, Jack!"
"Yeah, yeah, get in the car, Tevia."

"You know, I really appreciate this. I think this experience will bring us closer together. I should explain to you exactly what happens at a bris. The mohel is the person who cuts the-"
"Chuck, I will throat-punch you if you finish that sentence."

"Bill, it's Jack. Thanks for the tip on the suit. Now, I have to go with Logan so he can get his wee-wee cut down by a Rabbi."
"He's a genius tailor, Jack. We have to look past his eccentricities at times."
"Phew, copy THAT, Bill."
"Well, I gotta call the Vice President about this, he's gonna laugh his ass off."

"Mr. Vice President, Bill Buchanan is on the line, he's laughing about something."

"Bill, the President is on life-support, a nuke has killed thousands in California, what the heck can be so damned funny?!"

"Charles Logan is getting an adult circumcision."
"Shit, that is pretty funny. Okay, now go back to finding those nukes, ya silly bastard."

At the synagogue...

"Shalom, Rabbi!"
"Shalom, Charles!"

"So, how do you want it, a little off the top, eh? Ah, it's mohel humor, don't get nervous!"

"Those are some nice Russian flags you got there Rabbi. Obviously a rabbi in California wouldn't normally have Russian flags in his office, but let's not pay them any mind."

"Exactly! Come here, let me mess with your head by dramatically demonstrating the procedure with this cigar."

"Rabbi, I'd like it if Jack was the mohel for my bris. I feel I... owe it to him. You could show him how its done."

"For the sake of comedy, I agree to this terrible idea! I got one better for you, Charles- Jack can practice on me, as I am already cut!"

"Jack are you in?"

"Oh hell yeah, this definitely makes up for China."

"Alright, Rabbi, here we go!"

"No, I'm already cut, Jack. You don't take off the whole- AHHHH!"

"Jack, you goyim are crazy. You were right, Rabbi- Jack definitely needs more practice. We'll come back next week."

Moments later, outside...

"I'm sorry I messed up in there. I'm not Jewish, I thought you guys cut off the whole thing."
"It's okay, Jack. Let's get that ice cream you mentioned earlier. I'm buying,"

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

An Open Letter From Charles Logan to Jack Bauer

Hello Jack,

I know you don't trust me. I don't expect you to after the things I did two years ago. But riding around with you in the limo got me thinking... we're not too different, you and I. Heck, we even wear the same sized suits! Okay, no jokes, I'm sorry. Seriously, Jack, I know what it's like to not be free- to have your every move limited by a perimeter fence and guards. Just last month, I had the oddest craving for a banana-split from Baskin Robbins and the guards refused to get one for me. Jack, that sort of isolation makes you hear your inner voice... the one that says "I really did want a banana split!" That's a pain I don't need to explain to you. You've gone 20 months without any ice cream, I imagine... or clean water.

You know, through all of this I found God, Jack. I found Him like so many lost souls- in search of salvation. I've done terrible things in my life, things that I do not expect anyone to forgive me for doing. But reading the Good Book has taught me that salvation can be had as long as you own a Bible and have a lot of free time to read it. You know, I didn't even have cable up in my ranch- the federal government refused to pay for it. They seized all my funds, otherwise I would have splurged on just the most basic cable package. No ice cream and no bass fishing on ESPN2... that's how I started thinking about God and His message. You know what I learned? We're all sinners, Jack. Each and every one of us has lost his way. From the man who steals an apple because he hasn't eaten in three weeks to the President who lines up a series of assassinations and terrorist attacks to further Caspian Oil Interests... we're all imperfect creatures.

I know you feel the same way, I can see it on your face. When you were in China, you must have kept asking yourself "What did I do to get myself in this place? What's wrong with me?" Heck, you may have even pointed an acid-burned finger at me for your being in China. I know, Jack. At first, I blamed others for my misery too. But don't you see, you're a sinner, just like the rest of us. Come over to the ranch, Jack. I would like to read the Bible with you- to start healing your soul as well. And you know what would also help that healing process? If you brought a few gallons of Rocky Road with you. God forgives a generous soul.


Charles Logan

(P.S. Bringing along some Butterscotch syrup would gain you favor in God's eyes as well. Bless you, Jack.)

Monday, March 05, 2007


"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to work at the Central Terrorist Unit, fight terrorism together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when federal law enforcement employees stop being polite, and start getting real. THE REAL WORLD: CTU- Los Angeles!"

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't want you to alert the others, but apparently somebody here has eaten the rest my peanut butter.

CHLOE: You mean there's a traitor inside CTU?

BUCHANAN: Affirmative. You're the only person I can trust- I need you to go through the old confessional booth records and find out if anyone has admitted their guilt.

CHLOE: Mr. Buchanan, those records are above even your security clearance.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't have time for your personality disorder. I gave you a direct order- access the confessional booth records and tell me what you find.

CHLOE: Okay! (rolls her eyes)

Meanwhile, in the CTU hot tub...

MORRIS: So, who do you think is the mole this season?

MILO: Dude, what are you talking about?

MORRIS: Haven't you ever seen this show? Every year the producers like to put a mole into THE REAL WORLD: CTU. They're usually some whacko fundamentalist or something like that. Say, did you happen to see if they stocked the fridge with beer?

MILO: No, man. Maybe you should worry about finding terrorists more than your next drink.

MORRIS: I don't have a bloody drinking problem!

MILO: Whatever, dude. Hey, have you seen that new chick, Nadia? More like "Hottie-A!"

MORRIS: Christ, you wonder why I need a drink working with you...

Back in Buchanan's office/skater half-tube, Chloe enters and her face is grim. Bill gets off his skateboard.

BUCHANAN: What have you got?

CHLOE: It's not good. I have video proof that Nadia was the one that ate your peanut butter. She admits it on a confessional tape. Did you know she's also a Muslim Republican?

BUCHANAN: How could I be so careless... the hot ones are always the mole. (Buchanan removes his skater helmet) Okay, here's what we do. Find Jack and have him come back here to do the interrogation.

CHLOE: What about Rick Burke?

BUCHANAN: Burke's too unstable. We found a hair-doll in his locker with Nadia's face pasted on it. DNA results confirm that the hair used was from Nadia, probably collected from the women's shower.

Chloe visibly shivers.

BUCHANAN: For your own good, I'd keep from looking at Burke's confessional videos. Now hurry and get Jack back to CTU.

Chloe exits.

Meanwhile, on the road Jack is driving through Southern California. His cell phone rings.

JACK: Bauer.

CHLOE: Jack, it's Chloe. Buchanan needs you to return to CTU. We have to interrogate a suspect... Jack, it looks like we have a mole.

JACK: Copy that. What's the damage assessment?

CHLOE: Buchanan's peanut butter jar has been compromised.

JACK: Dammit, we can't keep losing resources like that! Who's the suspect?

CHLOE: Nadia Yasser. I have video of her admitting to taking the peanut butter from a confessional booth recording.

JACK: Was it creamy or chunky, Chloe?

CHLOE: I don't know, I have to check.

JACK: I'm on my way into CTU right now.

CHLOE: Okay, Jack. Hurry!

Back at CTU, Nadia is already in the interrogation room. Rick Burke walks by and notices.

BURKE: Bingo! I got to get my kit!

Jack walks into CTU. Chloe jumps up from her desk to meet him.

JACK: Is everything set up?

CHLOE: Jack, we have a problem. I ran the video through a filter- it's a fake.

JACK: What?

CHLOE: Somebody forged the video to make it look like Nadia ate Buchanan's peanut butter.

Buchanan skates over to Jack and Chloe.

BUCHANAN: What's going on?

JACK: Sweet board, Bill.

BUCHANAN: Thanks, dude. So, what's wrong?

JACK: Somebody has set up Nadia. The confessional tape was a forgery. Where is she?

BUCHANAN: In interrogation room #2. Let's go.

In interrogation room #2, Burke has already started his interrogation. Nadia is strapped down to a chair.

BURKE: Do you love me, Nadia?

NADIA: What the hell am I doing in here?

BURKE: I ask the questions, baby. Do you like veal scallopini? Kenny G? Are you a Libra?

Jack enters with Chloe and Buchanan.

JACK: Burke! Drop the needle!

BURKE: Nuts to that!

JACK: We will vote you out of the house, I swear to you!

BURKE: She's mine, Jack. Little, sweet Nadia, you're all mine.

JACK: Burke, we know the video is a fake. You set this up to get Nadia in your chair. That is so not cool!

BURKE: It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing can separate us.

Milo and Morris enter in their speedos.

JACK: Okay, I warned you, Burke. House vote! Who wants Burke to leave CTU?

They all raise their hands, Nadia just nods her head.

BURKE: Whatever, dudes. This house is lame anyway, I'm outtie.

Burke leaves.

NADIA: Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?

JACK: Nadia, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal ag-

NADIA: I know who you are, Jack! You don't have to keep saying that line!

JACK: Okay, well stop being such a bitch! Bill, I'm going back out into the field.

BUCHANAN: If you say so. Now, can somebody tell me where's my f&@%ing peanut butter?