24 Season 1: 3PM-4PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver brings it, people. Kneel before BL!

Hey peeps, BauerLuver speaking! Happy to yet again review the greatest show ever devised by mankind, known to us as 24! This episode is filled with cars, startling revelations, and amnesia. So, on that happy note, let's fasten our seat-belts and get this baby rollin'!

Agent Chesty, named so for his voluminous chest hair, has just been strangled by super-unnamed-bad-man with a piece of yarn. After Jack yells his name over the phone for like thirty times, he concludes that the guy is probably dead, and calls a funeral home to make preparations. Milo barges in to tell him that "Johnny Cool Guy", one of Palmer's suspected assassins, is Alexis Drazen, one of Victor Drazen's sons, and also an excuse for Elizabeth to make frequent family stops everywhere on the campaign. I wonder where her Grandma really lives...

Speaking of which, ole Johnny Cool calls his blushing lover, where she relays that its cool to "hang out" at four thirty. Real smart, this girl.

Back at the not-so-safe house, Black Guy and White Guy (sorry Spencer, I must use those nicknames, I love them so much) are sitting around waiting for their inevitable doom, and from the looks of it, it might be pretty soon, because some construction dudes are acting kinda weird with walkie talkies. Teri and Jack have a quick little conversation revealing how troubled Teri is about her new found knowledge of Nina and Jack, but she still doesn't tell Jack about the baby news or even that she knows about The Affair. You know what Teri needs? A good friend, that's what. Feel kinda sorry for her right now. Oh, and back at the hotel, everybody's favorite secret service agent shows pictures of the assassins after Palmer. Guess who made the list? Ole' Johnny Cool, that's who. Explain this one, Elizabeth.

Kim is lying her puny head off to Nina about Rick. This is simply beyond stupid, if you ask me. You gotta flex your daddy's genes, girl! Anyway, Teri us giving Nina the cold shoulder, and decides to start getting questioned again. This to me is pretty bold, since she's talking to her husband's mistress. (Editor's note: Sounds like an episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" to me!) David tells Jack about Johnny Cool and Elizabeth, and flinches marvelously at the word "intimate". Kinda ironic for Jack, doncha think...

Kim calls (guess who) Rick on her phone to tell him that she's tired of covering for him. I could scream like a banshee at these two, but I won't. (Editor's note: The Kim/Rick relationship is probably the most ridiculous writing this season, but hey-- it's California!) Teri and Nina are having an itchy scene, where Teri ends up saying "things tend to get complicated when you screw your boss". No argument there, Ter Bear, but you could have said it nicer. Nina decides she's sick of arm-wrestling with these two idiots and feels the time is ripe to say adios. Go back to the real job, Nina. a.k.a. screwing people you work for. (Editor's note: Hey! She *hearts* Jack Bauer! Give that leggy broad a chance!)

And guess who's back at CTU, folks? George Mason walks in on Jack changing to get a slice of the pizza pie that Teri and Nina are currently sharing (Editor's note: More food!!!). Jack decides it would be a good idea to use the 4:30 meeting with Johnny Cool to their advantage-- get the upper hand in this mess, and see who Mr. Cool works for. Surprisingly, George doesn't argue for that long. And people say miracles can't happen...

One minute, David and Keith have enormous smiles on their faces, laugh, and promise each other that they'll be there for each other until the Judgement Day. Next minute, they're mad again, about David's decision to hold back the Ferragamo story, and talking in "outdoor voices" (or at least Keith is). Boy, I wish Kim and Keith could meet, they'd be best friends! " 'Hey Keith, let's totally ignore what the adults tell us to do because we know better, especially given the great choices we've made in the past!' 'Ok, Kim! And by the way, you're hot.' " (Editor's note: Keith Palmer is the world's dumbest person. I wish a thousand miserable days upon that character. David, ask for a paternity test, bro.)

Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude calls Andy Drazen (I mean Andre) to say that he found the girls. Oh boy. Just when I thought we were done with "the women are in danger" storyline...

Jack is accessing files with Milo. Milo tends to keep his head down, probably due to his iron ore earrings dangling hypnotically from his ears. Jack tells Milo to watch for charging rhinos, slippery snakes, and worst of all, MOLES. W-what? A-a mole in CTU? Who ever dreamt up such foolishness? Yeah, I wasn't surprised either.

Keith decides to take matters into his own hands. A great idea, considering he did such a swell job the last time. He gets Nicole to stall so he has time to escape out of a hotel window using a rope ladder he made from dirty sheets. 24 kids truly are a different breed!

Weeping Beauty Elizabeth arrives at CTU and decides to go along with Jack's idea of espionage for higher purposes. She has a little cherry red nose, a gushy sob story about how she met Johnny in a bar, and a definite streak of bravery. Perhaps this might explain why the words "she's so dead" are rolling around in my head like marbles!

Death has come for White Guy. While Black Guy interrogates the ladies, CVSD (Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude) shoots a friggin' harpoon in him! He might have been dead from the start, but a warm little place in my heart has just become cold because of this...
Guess what? The safe house is hit. Black Guy decides to check on his buddy, leaving Kim to comfort Teri, who is feeling a little off. CVSD kills White Guy (yes him too) but not before Momma Bauer and Lil' Kimmy run to and escape in a car that is somehow miraculously unlocked. CVSD chases them on foot, until he finds a sweet ride he can hijack (also miraculously unlocked).

Nina has returned to CTU just in time to tell Jack that Teri and Kim are as cool as cucumbers. She decides to hitch a ride on another little field trip to the hotel with Weeping Beauty and Jack. However, at the same time, Teri and Kim cruise down a mountain pass while being chased by CVSD! At one point, Teri thinks they have lost their creepo-Serbian-terrorist-stalker. She decides to see if the coast is clear. But the car, with Kim still in it, starts hurdling down the mountain faster than you can say "Grigorovich." The car hits the bottom, and bursts into flame. Good. Gravy. This is too much for Teri, so she decides that tasting some dirt might help her troubled nerves.

Carl and Keith meet on Telescope Terrace. They talk dirty, with words like "death", "frame", "coverup", "story", and "your father" coming up frequently in their conversation. The conversation ends with Carl huffing off looking to ruin more peoples lives. But wait, there's more! Looks like Keith does have a grain if sense in him, because he taped the whole conversation. First smart thing he's done in seven years. Carl, you're going down!

Teri deems that dirt tastes nasty, so she gets up to graze somewhere else. Then comes the weird part. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, but somehow, Teri has amnesia. (Editor's note: Shark gets jumped here!)  Of course, a Good Samaritan decides to pick her up and give her a ride, leaving me to ponder this strange plot twist. Somehow, Kim survived the car blowing up, and a beautiful Sean Callery musical piece plays as she climbs up the mountaintop, ending the episode with her shouting, "Mom! Mom!"

I don't really know how I feel about this episode. Good, I guess, and better than the last one, which was all sex, no violence (I like it the other way around). But this episode just had a strange ending. I mean, come on, amnesia? I am eager to see the 4:30 meeting with Johnny next episode, though!

May Bauer be with you. Always.

Editor's note: BL, thank you again for a fantastic job- I love the nicknames, the detail, the whole thing was awesome. And you're 100% right, the amnesia angle is all sorts of ridiculous and it takes a lot to accept even given the crazy shit Teri suffers through. She becomes a human pin-cushion at some point, and I think this is where it happens.  Whatever can go wrong with a person will happen to Teri by the end of this season...

24: Poker Night!

A few days ago I opened up this blog to reader suggestions. The Jackster gets the first of these "by request" posts, seeking some "24" fan-fiction showing our favorite characters engaged in a very normal social situation. This one is set during a (not-so) friendly poker game. Enjoy:

Bill Buchanan is sitting at the card table, shuffling a deck. Also at the table are Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida, Larry Moss, Renee Walker and David Emerson. Chloe O'Brian and Janis Gold are sitting at dueling laptops at the kitchen table.

BUCHANAN (dealing out cards): Small blind is five, big is ten. No Crazy Pineapple, no Omaha High rules. This is straight No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em.

JACK: Copy that.

TONY: Yeah (drinks his Budweiser).

Jack notices this and stares at Tony for a moment. Everyone looks at their cards. Moss and Almeida throw in their blinds.

RENEE: Is it my bet? Okay, ten. (throws in her chips).

EMERSON: I'll raise that to $100.

JACK: Dammit!

Tony drinks.

EMERSON: What's wrong, Bauer? You scared?

JACK (sarcastic): I used to be in the military. Used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life. (throws in his chips to match Emerson's bet).

Chloe snorts to herself.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, what's the status of our pizza delivery?

CHLOE (tapping her keyboard): Give me a minute, I have to redirect the satellite to track it. Janis, open a socket and help me.

JACK: Hurry, Chloe- we're running out of time! (Tony drinks) If he gets here past thirty minutes, our delivery is free.

CHLOE (to Janis): Once we locate the pizza guy, I'll need you to hack into the DOT network and change all traffic lights to red.

JANIS: I'm going to have to check with Agent Moss to see if I should-

CHLOE: Do you want me to do your job for you?! I know you're a PC chick, but I didn't know you were this lame.

BUCHANAN: Moss, it's your bet.

MOSS: I don't know... (looks at Renee, who rolls her eyes). I, uhh, I'll just... (sighs, folds his hand).

BUCHANAN: That was painful to watch. Tony, are you in? (Tony throws his cards to the center of the table, looks at Emerson who nods back at him) Very well, I fold too. Agent Walker, do you call?

RENEE: No, I fold. (Larry sighs, rubbing Renee's back. Renee leans over to him) See how pathetic that was? Now you know how I felt ten seconds ago. (Larry removes his hand and looks down in shame).

Buchanan lays out the flop, a ten of spades, a ten of hearts and a 4 of clubs.

EMERSON: Looks like its just you and me, Bauer. Christopher Henderson told me about your card games when you worked together. He said you didn't have the guts to go all-in when it counted.

JACK: I shot Christopher Henderson's wife in the thigh and then killed him later that day. Trust me, you do not want to go down this road with me.

Silence falls over the tension-filled room.

MOSS: Hey, uh let's play a drinking game! Never have I ever... uh, drink if you've never been shot in the neck.

Only Chloe, Janis and Moss drink.

MOSS: Bill, I didn't know you've been shot in the neck.

BUCHANAN: I haven't, I just block you out most of the time. Emerson, it's your bet.

EMERSON: Check.

JACK: You raise the pot and then check on the flop? That's the wrong play, Emerson. Who are you working for? (Tony drinks) Dammit, Tony! (Tony drinks again) Why are you always drinking after I talk?

Jack pushes Tony against the wall and a piece of paper falls to the ground. Jack picks it up and reads it, looking up at Tony in anger.

JACK: What is this? The "Jack Bauer Drinking Game?"

TONY: Yeah. I got it from some fan blog- every time you say one of your stock phrases, we're supposed to take a drink. I figured I'd give it a try. Can you yell "GET ON THE GROUND NOW!" for me, I'm starting to lose my buzz.

Jack throws Tony against another wall and they get into a clumsy wrestle-fight. Jack is about to throw Tony to the floor.

TONY (whispers): Deep Dish.

Jack immediately stops and steps backwards. The fight is over. Everyone returns to their seats.

BUCHANAN: Alright, Jack, it's your bet.

Jack looks at Emerson and smiles.

JACK: All-in.

Emerson looks down at his cards and back up at Jack.

CHLOE: Jack, we have the pizza guy! He's three blocks away, all side streets, no traffic lights. He has five minutes to spare! Jack, what do you want me to do?

Jack ignores Chloe and stares down Emerson.

JANIS (to Chloe): I have an idea.

Janis jumps up from her seat and starts to strip, running towards the door and out of the house.

BUCHANAN: Agent Walker, Janis isn't trained for that kind of field-op. Since you've folded, we're going to need you to distract the pizza guy with your nakedness.

JACK, TONY, MOSS and EMERSON in unison: COPY THAT! (Tony drinks).

RENEE: You are the saddest bunch of... (folds arms) No, you're going to have to pay for your pizza.

BUCHANAN (to Jack): It was worth a try. (To Renee) Well, we're in an active code now with Janis naked in public-- we need to reel her in. I may get kicked out of the condo association if we can't stop her.

RENEE: Fine... (sighs, pulling out her handgun). You're all going to pay for my therapy bills if this plays out like I think. (Runs out of the house).

JACK: It's your bet, Emerson. Are you all-in?

Emerson looks at Tony, who looks away from him. Just as Emerson is about to fold his hand towards the center of the table, an explosion rocks the house from outside. Jack, Tony, Moss and Buchanan all run outside.

Outside of the house, the pizza deliver car is flipped over, on fire. Janis is covering her naked body with her hands. Renee is dragging the delivery guy out of the wreckage.

BUCHANAN: Agent Walker, you secure the area. We're going to need the fire department to handle this mess. Tony, Jack- grab as many pizzas as you can, preferably those not covered in burning gasoline. Let's get back inside. And Janis... please stop being naked.

MOSS: Renee, are you ok? (touches her shoulder)

RENEE: Let's put "Sensitive Larry" on ice and try to save this pizza guy, deal?

A few minutes later, Jack, Tony and Bill return to the card table. Chloe stares at Jack, hinting at a problem.

EMERSON: I trust nobody is dead.

JACK: Not yet, Emerson. Your bet.

EMERSON: All-in.

JACK: You were about to fold before the pizza guy exploded. Now you're going all-in? What are you up to?

Emerson flips over his cards and shows a pair of tens.

CHLOE: Jack, he's holding a four-of-a-kind. (tapping her keyboard) He has a 95% chance of win--

JACK: Dammit, Chloe, I know! TONY, PUT DOWN THAT BEER!

EMERSON: You saying I cheated? You can't prove anything, Bauer.

TONY: Jack, Emerson treated me like a brother when I thought I had nobody else. He wouldn't cheat at cards.

JACK: Tony, I'm getting tired of this brotherhood talk. Your buddy here says he's British but have you even bothered to listen to his accent? He's from Trenton, New Jersey. Chloe, explain to Tony what Emerson just pulled.

CHLOE (with her laptop walks over and puts it on the table). Surveillance footage shows Emerson swapped out his cards when you ran outside. (to Emerson) Sorry, but you're a lousy cheater.

TONY: You have surveillance cameras in your house, Bill?

BUCHANAN: Karen and I have a... blog.

EMERSON: Don't act so surprised, Bauer. You were thinking of folding too. But then you and Tony started hugging on the floor and he whispered something to you. I just couldn't figure out your play. And that's when you went all-in.

BUCHANAN: Is that true, Jack?

JACK: Tony whispered "Deep Dish" to me, which is code for off-suited cards with no pairs. Look, I have to make decisions that you may not agree with. If I folded I would be giving a known terrorist the pot he tried to buy with that ridiculous hand. I had an ace-high and I had to act fast.

BUCHANAN: Cheating at cards to stop a terrorist? Jesus, Jack, I think we've crossed the line. (rubs his forehead)

JACK: Don't forget, I shot our old boss and a few other co-workers for the same purpose.

CHLOE: And you tortured your girlfriend and killed her husband and--

JACK: Dammit, Chloe, just do your job!

Tony drinks... twice.

BUCHANAN: Alright, game's over until next week. And please, let's try to play a complete hand for once. What do you say we order Chinese next time?

JACK: You son of a bitch!

Tony drinks AGAIN!

BUCHANAN: Oh Jack, I'm sorry-- I forgot...

THE END.

Dear Chloe: The 24 Season 7 Advice Column

The Jack Sack is proud to present an old nugget revived- "Dear Chloe"- where your problems really aren't that important right now, but you'll probably get some snarky wisdom regardless:



Dear Chloe,

I am a successful career-driven man who has good credit and great oral hygiene. Why the heck can't I get this girl at work to notice me? Let me give you an example- just this morning we had a very serious thing blow up at work. I'm kind of the guy in charge of our department. So, you'd think she'd ask me for advice, what to do, etc.? No. She decided to go off on her own, cut off some dude's oxygen supply, get herself shot in the neck and buried alive. And she's doing all of this for some other guy who isn't even on our payroll (he's kind of an independent contractor, but I'm not authorized to say more than that). I know chicks dig the bad boys, but I thought she and I had something- we really connected over our love of "The Notebook" and the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Help me, Chloe!

-Larry "Love"

Larry, you're probably a really great guy but you are also extremely boring. It would be harder to hack into a Fisher-Price "Laugh 'n Learn" Toy Piggy Bank than to get you in bed. I have a guy friend who's the complete opposite, so maybe you should take note: try sneering at her, maybe throw her in the back of an unmarked van and whisper to her about how you're "running out of time." Girls like that kind of stuff, trust me, it's really hot.

Dear Chloe,

I'm just going to come out and say it- I'm a fraud. You ever lie on a resume? You ever tell people that you're from someplace that you've never even seen in your life-- just to impress them? For the past ten years I've been telling people that I was a sniper in the British SAS. I don't even know what "SAS" stands for! And as for being a sniper, I admit that's partially true- I hold the all-time high score in my college frat for "Duck Hunt" (I'm probably better than you :P). And that's the thing, I went to the University of Delaware, I'm from Dover, I used to watch NASCAR races when I was a kid, before it got all big and commercialized. But anyway, here I am, telling people I'm this British dude and I can't even tell you the first thing about scones. And up until last week, I thought "Big Ben" was the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, not some freakin' clock in London. I want to come clean, but I don't know how. Lately, most of my friends are turning up dead, so I'm thinking I'll ride this one out. Besides, my friends are pretty dumb, I don't even try to fake a British accent and they've already bought my story. Should I just keep quiet?

-The Fake Limey

Limey- First thing's first: SAS stands for Special Air Service, it's the special forces group within the British Army. Second, I will so whip your ass at "Duck Hunt" so don't even go there. It seems to me like you're just being a guy. Guys lie to feel better about themselves. I give you credit for at least being original. As a woman, I find British guys insanely attractive, but that's mostly because of the accent. I can't even see my guy's face anymore, it's just his voice that keeps me going. So, I'm going to recommend that you keep the story going, but for your own benefit get some voice lessons and learn a proper English accent. Madonna did it and now she thinks she's one of them.

24 Season 7: 12PM-1PM Quick Review

This week's episode of "24" was a less-stirring Bauer Power Hour than the previous 4 installments. Okay, so we have to put up with the occasional set-up episode to get the bigger payoffs later on, I get that. But somehow, I feel like the way things developed, there could have been a great deal more danger and action mixed into the proceedings. The showdown at the Sangalan Prime Minister's home could have been a brutal conflict. There could have been a car chase after Emerson (with Renee Walker being held hostage). And what's with the bright-yellow getaway truck Emerson insists on using? Why not paint a sign on the side saying "FBI, FOLLOW ME!"? Or better yet...


And another thing- a very big gripe I have with the producers: what's with the silent clock after Jack "shoots" Renee Walker? We all know she didn't get shot and that she didn't die. Are we supposed to worry that she won't be able to dig herself out of the shallow grave Bauer has made for her? Or are we meant to worry about her life being in danger very soon? It doesn't make sense to use the most sacred of "24" traditions on something like this. Have we had a false-positive with a silent clock before? This is the Teri Bauer-death clock, people! We can't just throw that at some redheaded hussie who's gonna make it out alive next episode. Unless... nah! I don't buy that she's a goner. There's too much chemistry between her and Jack.
Okay, rant over. This was a sub-par episode. No kill-count, maybe a couple of "Dammits," no manpurses and FBI boss Larry Moss is all whiny at the office over a pesky Justice Dept. dude. Yeesh, next week has a lot to make up for after tonight's show.

ONE MORE THING: I think we'll find out soon that Renee Walker was faking her anger at Jack. She knew all along that he was a good guy, but she went on her own (shook off Larry, etc.) to find out for herself what the gig was, and to help out Jack. She completely played along (perfectly too). That's good character work if it turns out to be the case.