Friday, February 09, 2007

Take Home Chef: Bauer-ized!

"Take Home Chef" is a half-hour reality cooking show on TLC, starring Curtis Stone. In each episode, Stone introduces himself to a stranger in a grocery store, typically a woman in her 20s or 30s, and Stone offers his services to help cook dinner for her and someone special that night. They drive to the participant's house, cook the meal, and then surprise the participant's partner or guest upon their arrival.

Tonight, Chef Stone picks the wrong girl- Kim Bauer.

CURTIS STONE: Hey, I'm Curtis Stone. I'm dashing out to the market to pick someone up, go back to their place and cook an amazing meal, then surprise someone special... Let's go!

In the market...

STONE: Pardon me, miss, I couldn't help but notice you're shopping for groceries, are you cooking a meal tonight for someone special?

KIM BAUER: Umm, who do you work for?

STONE: Pardon, miss? Oh, the camera crew? Yes, I'm the host of a television show where I meet someone such as yourself in a market and offer to cook a gourmet meal for you and someone special. Are you interested?

KIM: Well, I don't know if that's a good idea. My father is kind of stressed out and I don't think-

STONE: What's your name?

KIM: (nervously pulling hair behind her left ear) Kim. Kim Bauer.

STONE: You're cooking dinner for your father, Kim? (Kim nods) Well, let me help you make the most fantastic meal your father has ever had the pleasure of having. Does your father like to eat?

KIM: Actually, I don't think I've ever seen him finish a whole meal...

STONE: Then we must make a meal he shall never forget! Come, let's go back to your place and start cooking!

Back at Kim's apartment...

STONE: Do you know what time your father is expected to come home?

KIM: He's likely to show up at any second or not at all. Let me call him and make sure he comes at dinnertime. (picks up phone, dials) Yeah, Dad, it's Kim. No, no, everything is all right... no, Daddy, no cougars. Listen, are we still on for dinner tonight? I'm cooking something special for you, so please make sure you get here at 5 sharp, okay? Bye, Dad.

Three hours later...

STONE: Well, here we are, we have the leg of lamb roasting in the oven and the timer is set to go off in a few minutes, and Kim and I are enjoying a bottle of wine-- relaxing is always the hardest part of cooking! So, tell me Kim, what's the special occasion for your father's dinner tonight?

KIM: Well, after thinking he was dead for two years, my father reappeared about 20 months ago only to disappear again after he was abducted by the Chinese government. He just got back from China today. So, basically I haven't had a sit-down meal with my dad for nearly five years.

STONE: Holy sh-

(The phone rings, Kim answers)

KIM: Hey, Dad. (pause) What? No, nobody's here. I swear, I'm here alone, cooking us dinner. No, Daddy, I'm not in a "flank-2" position. (sighs) Dad, can we just have a normal dinner for once? Okay, I'll see you in a bit. (hangs up phone. Looks to Stone) Are you okay?

STONE: Um, perhaps we should wrap this up, ya know, I think maybe we've taken up too much of your time, Kim. (whispers to camera crew) We need to get the Hell out of here!

(A car door closes outside)

KIM: Oh my God, he's here!

STONE: DAMMIT! How did he get here so fast?

KIM: I don't think he ever left for work. Sometimes he says he's at work but he just stakes out my house all day.

STONE: Kim, what's about to go down here?

(The front door to the apartment comes crashing down, rushing in is Jack Bauer)


(Before Stone can even move, Jack is vaulting through the kitchen and has him pinned on the floor)

JACK: Who do you work for? (Stone is stuttering, unable to speak) I don't have time for this! (puts his pistol to Stone's head) I'm going to ask you one last time... WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!?!

(The oven timer goes "bing!" Jack unloads his clip into the oven)

JACK: What was that?

KIM: Dinner. Leg of lamb, Daddy.

JACK: Leg of lamb? (growls at Stone) You listen to me, the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't feel like carving that thing. You have two minutes to take every single slug out of that lamb, do you copy that? (Stone is weeping, unable to speak) My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I give you my word, no harm will come to you if you get this meal finished in time.

STONE: (sniffles) I- yes, sir, I copy that.

JACK: Good. (looks at the bullet-ridden oven) Let me know if you need a hacksaw.


Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! These little vignettes have been a nice little addition to your blog!

TheJackSack said...

Thanks Jon!

The more absurd and goofy the set-up, the more fun I have writing the vignette. I was watching "Take Home Chef" yesterday afternoon and it struck me, what if this guy took home the wrong girl? And then naturally, my mind went right to Kim Bauer and "24."

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