Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Jack Sack Presents: William Shakespeare's BAUER

Below is a portion of this week's episode of Twenty-Four, adapted for the stage by William Shakespeare.

The Players:
Lord Jack Bauer, Knight of the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Princess Marilyn Bauer, recently widowed heiress to the Bauer kingdom
King Phillip Bauer, Villainous defense contractor and father to Lord Jack
Handmaiden Chloe O'Brian, a lady in waiting
Lord Bill Buchanan, Chief Constable of the Counter Terrorist Unit
Morris O'Brian, an electronic-blacksmith

Castle CTU, 3:07PM

O' I am fortune's fool!
My spirit, it doth suffer
And 'tis the taste of spirits
That my dry lips crave!

Where the day hath just begun
Thou hast no need for such bile
I have no other but a woman's reason
Which tac teams need like a dagger to strike!

Enter Chief Constable Bill Buchanan

Handmaiden, finish the assault vectors if you please
Whilst thou and Morris are content to gossip
Dost thou not feel thine cold hard stare?

Apologies, kind sir!

Now go we in content
To do our work, Constable sir!

Buchanan exits.

Morris, your breeze is tainted
If thou trust in thine Altoids
Trust in several bits more


Meanwhile, at a lodge in Los Angeles, 3:11PM
Lord Jack and Princess Marilyn have just evaded certain death.

Something is rotten in the State of California
O, beware my lord of the King, your father
That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity
Thine father hath cut a line of blood on this day

The King, my father is the villainous one?
The man that hath no music in himself

Graem, my husband, your brother
I hath warned him
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent
How is he now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, DEAD!

He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a Defense Contractor

(the cell phone rings, Jack answers)


My son, let us end this charade!

Indeed, father. Come, let's away to prison
We two alone will sing!

Nothing can come from nothing
The play's the thing, and I have one here
Ask Marilyn how she wants me to cut thine son
My dagger awaits the whisper from her lips!

Your highness, the quality of mercy is not strained!
Let us attempt an exchange, a Bauer for a Bauer
Turn the grandson into the son
I follow Josh to serve my turn upon him

O happy dagger!
We have terms, my son
Leave thine swords and glocks behind
For I am constant as the northern star
By the pricking of my thumbs
Treachery will be met with Josh's blood.

(Jack ends the call)

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

Jack, before we venture forth
I must tell you of my heart
Whilst thou toiled in China
I yearned for this day where
Journeys end in lovers meeting.

Indeed, some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
But what of Graem? Has that name no meaning to you?

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
Graem claimed dominion over Josh
My one true treasure in this world

Come, shall we not speak to fresh ghosts' faces
Whilst the clock ticks, beating its drum
And the long day's task is not yet done
Let us venture to the exchange with King Phillip.

Shall we meet under the moon's gaze again?

Let us dwell not on these thoughts, m'lady
For battle awaits us now
Oh, my kingdom for a hacksaw!



TheJackSack said...

Alright then, I'll comment on my own post-

This was an experimental piece, something that popped into my head about a week ago. I figured the mix of Shakespeare and "24" would be absurd enough to get your attention from the outset, but of course, I'd still have to write in The Bard's style to do this post.

I'm not sure its funny. Seriously, I don't have a clue if this is something people like. It makes me chuckle, but I also find beer-drinking squirrels pretty damn funny too, and I KNOW that I'm in the minority as far as that's concerned.

So, yes, I'm fishing for feedback here- positive, negative, ambivalent. Like I said, this was an experiment, so if you do or do not want to see something similar to this in the future, please wigh in. Thanks!

David said...

I personally thought this was hilarious. Truly inspired actually.

TheJackSack said...


Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it.

jon said...

I must employ the technique of commenting on my own work. it was incredibly effective. :D

It had many definite hilarious moments.

TheJackSack said...


Sometimes ya gotta work it!

2266 said...

This was definitely funny! The "dammit" part killed me!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious...and brilliant!

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