Welcome to The Jack Sack's newest feature, "Dear Chloe"- where your problems really aren't that important right now, but you'll probably get some nugget of wisdom regardless:
First time, long time. Now, I am a man of action. I'm seeking to take a long-planned "relationship" to the next level but all I seem to do is run into obstacles. I want to make things work, very very badly, in fact. But however much I try, it seems like I'm misfiring, never quite hitting the target dead-on. Take today, I've got a big day planned, something I've been dreaming of doing for years, but I can't seem to find the right triggers to make this plan work. I've been all over town, I've tried all my contacts, but in the end, I worry that I may miss out on what is the best relationship your godless country has ever seen! Pardon me, I meant to say that you all would marvel at how romantic I can be, and it would be a shame to lose a chance like this to prove it to you infidels. I need your help, Chloe! Just tell me how to get through the day.
-Bang, You're Phi-Yed
I don't really have time for this. You're obviously trying to do something that the other person in the relationship is not ready for. Have you tried talking first? You can't just trigger a relationship and expect everything to work out with one push of a button. Maybe you should try looking for another companion, you're way too intense to make this thing work. And I think there might be another man in this equation, someone who doesn't want you to "trigger the relationship," someone who is willing to bite your neck and eat your flesh to keep you from being "romantic." Sorry if that wasn't helpful, but thanks for the email, I'm tracing your location as we speak!
I met someone, but I think the girl might be a mole- err have a mole somewhere... on her awesome body. A little about me: recently, I've put together a new look, I've bulked up, I'm reading Men's Journal and picking up style tips, just like you suggested to me in your column a couple of years ago. But it's hard finding a stable, sexy girl nowadays. If they're not crying sexual harassment, they're scheming to take the country down or something. But this new one... man she puts all the others at the office to SHAME! (especially the one that didn't put out on our first date a while back- man is she overrated!). But back to the new girl, she's also a Republican-- do you know how hot that's gonna be? Help me, Chloe, I need to hit that. Bad.
-Soulpatch v. 2.0
Yeah, I know it's you Milo,
OK, when the alert level goes down, and the terrorists have been caught, we can have some chamomile tea and you can tell me all your secrets. Right now, I have to data-mine the NSA database, why don't you go oggle your girlfriend, okay?