Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day- Bauer-ized! [UPDATED]

Editor's note: Updated with new pictures of misery and mayhem!

"My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent."

-Greatest pick-up line. Ever.

On this glorious holiday where we rejoice in Cupid's whimsy, let us look back at the list of ladies who trusted in Jack and found themselves either dead or irreparably harmed (in chronological order).

Name: Teri Bauer.
Relationship: Wife.
Status: Dead.
Notes: Teri Bauer, wife of Jack Bauer, had just reconciled with our hero before the start of Day One. By the end of the day, Teri died at the hands of Jack's former mistress/co-worker, Nina Myers. But before her death, Teri was kidnapped, beat-up, raped, and suffered amnesia. And all of that happened in one day.
Conclusion: Teri, Jack's first "24" girl, had it the worst.

Name: Marilyn Bauer
Relationship: Sister-in-law
Status: Currently making sure Milo doesn't start crying.
Notes: Marilyn married Jack's brother, Graem but at some point before or after (or both?!), she and Jack had a few romps in the hay. According to information trickling in during Day Six, Jack and Marilyn had an affair 20 years ago, placing that approximately ten years before Day One. Without getting too bogged down in details, it is reasonable to say that this affair took place while Jack was married to Teri and after Kim was born. Graem knew about the affair and spent the next 20 years not having sex with his wife because of it.
Conclusion: Jack and Marilyn- not a healthy relationship. While Graem's body is still warm, Marilyn proceeds to tell Jack she still wants him. Jack is still adjusting to sunlight and political freedoms after his stint in China AND he thinks he just killed your husband-- back off lady and give the guy some space!

Name: Kate Warner
Relationship: Lady of interest
Status: Presumed Alive
Notes: Day Two's Kate Warner was drawn into a terrorist plot when it was revealed that her kid sister, Marie, was a batshit-crazy petite-sized jihadist that was aiding in the detonation of a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Jack and Kate hit it off relatively quickly and the managed to have a relationship that ended sometime prior to Day Three, when Jack was addicted to heroin.
Conclusion: The smartest of the Bauer Girls- she got out without being permanently harmed. She had to deal with her sister's psychotic breakdown, but without Jack in her life, she has probably fared quite well.

Name: Claudia Salazar
Relationship: Jack's "Sexi-can" side-action during an undercover sting
Status: Dead as a doornail.
Notes: Claudia Salazar, wife to drug lord Hector Salazar, engaged in an illicit affair with Jack while he was working undercover within the Salazar crime syndicate. She was very cool- she helped CTU agent Chase Edmunds escape from a torture cell and took down a couple of Salazar's henchmen in the process. Jack promised to get her and her family out of Mexico, but those plans never materialized as she was gunned down in an audacious escape attempt from La Hacienda de Los Muertos! (For her efforts and beauty, Claudia is The Jack Sack's favorite Bauer girl).
Conclusion: She trusted Jack and now she's dead.

Name: Audrey Raines
Relationship: On-again/off-again girlfriend.
Status: Keeping the Kleenex corporation in business.
Notes: Audrey Raines, daughter to Secretary of Defense James Heller, began an extra-marital affair with Jack in Day Four. The affair was amidst a "separation" period between herself and her husband, Paul Raines. Long story short, by the end of Day Four, Jack tortured Paul, and pulled away doctors giving Paul emergency medical attention so that they could save a Chinese dude that had vital information about terrorists. As a result, Paul died. Now, not to be outdone, Audrey herself was kidnapped and roughed up, along with her father. Audrey's little brother, Richard, was also interrogated by Jack at CTU (read tortured). And by the end of Day Four, Audrey was under the impression that Jack was dead, as he faked his death to shake off the Chinese. Day Five rolls around, and Audrey gets put through the ringer again! Aside from having to absorb the fact that Jack didn't die, she had to debrief Jack's new girlfriend, Diane Huxley. Later in the day, Audrey herself was interrogated by Jack and Rick Burke, and she was almost fatally wounded by Christopher Henderson. And just when she thought all was finally right in the world at the end of the day, her man Jack leaves to take a phone call and goes missing for 20 months.
Conclusion: What does Jack say when he sees her again? "Sorry, honey it was the wrong number?" Audrey is the most durable woman on Earth. She has seen it all. She deserves a medal and a lot of psychiatric help. It is doubtful she will give Jack another go, but we will have to wait and see.

Name: Diane Huxley
Relationship: Jack's Foxy Landlady
Status: Alive and left with one helluva story for her girlfriends
Notes: Diane Huxley housed Jack while he was living "off the grid" following his staged death. Diane was unaware that her new tenant/boyfriend was a former federal agent. She assumed he was a scruffy drifter working at a nearby oil rig. She liked the fact that he was a scruffy drifter. But when Day Five kicked off, she soon found out what it means to be involved with Jack Bauer, federal agent. Her son was kidnapped, taken hostage and almost executed on world-wide television. After a quick, awkward talk with Audrey Raines back at CTU, Diane wisely washed her hands of Jack and has hopefully found herself a nice, non-lethal boyfriend to make her happy.
Conclusion: Suffered the least out of the Bauer Girls. She could have taken down Audrey with one punch is she wanted.


2266 said...

Why didn't Nina Myers make the list? What's a girl got to do to get Jack's attention? Sleep with him? Done. Kill his wife? Done. Get the president to pardon her for his murder? Done. Threaten his daughter? Done. Wear leather pants? Fabulously done.

TheJackSack said...

To be honest, Nina scares me. I'm afraid to put her picture up!

L P said...

Ha. Brilliant post. Love it.

And it's okay, Nina scares me too.

HC said...

Loving the new "Oh-my-fucking-christ-my-wierd-new-boyfriend-is gonna-get-me-skinned-alive" photos...these women do not watch The View. God Bless 'em.

Rickey said...

Marilyn Bauer is starting to grow on me. Call me crazy, but methinks I like her more than Nadia.

Anonymous said...

The scary thing is that, of all the various wives/girlfriends/mistresses Jack has had over the course of the show, Nina was the best of the bunch. Even if she was a traitor.

Nina was tough, smart, drop-dead sexy and certainly not a shrinking violet like the other women in Jack's life. Particularly Awwwdrey, or poor doomed, dingbat Teri. How did the scriptwriters expect us to believe Teri made a believable partner for Jack?

(I always figured, back in Season One, that Kim must have swiped Teri's Paxil before leaving the house that night, because Teri spent the entire first season getting progressively flaker as the season wore on...and Kim spent all of the first two seasons acting like she was on drugs. Fortunately, Nina put Teri out of our misery. Too bad she couldn't have given Kim a good spanking while she was about it...


TheJackSack said...

W.S., you make an excellent point-

Nina was the anti-Teri Bauer. Where Teri was a flaky, weak and clumsy person, Nina was tough, smart and in control. Jack probably gravitated towards Nina because she was such a stark contrast from Teri. Mind you, Jack got played by Nina in a big way, but she outgamed Jack. Jack's weakness is women. If the writers know their character well enough, that's how he's eventually going to die- in some scenario where he tries to protect a woman or where he trusts the wrong one.

I know, I know, the only reason I woke up today is because Jack Bauer let me live, etc. But seriously, the guy is a wuss when it comes to the ladies. And as a result, they either die, get maimed or they take advantage of him.

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