Monday, February 12, 2007

Queer Eye for the Spy Guy: Milo Pressman

Hey everybody, it's your favorite quintet of gay life coaches, the Fab Five! We're here on a mission of national security to tell you kids at CTU that you got a bad boy in your midst. Usually when someone changes their appearance so dramatically, we've had something to do with it. Well, we became suspicious of one CTU agent in particular when we realized we had nothing to do with his extreme makeover. Some evil force is at work here and we can see it clear as day-- Milo Pressman has gone from looking drab to feelin' fab! He is SO a mole!

First, we've tried to contact CTU but they don't return our calls. We don't understand why the federal government is so reluctant to hear what we have to say. Because we're gay doesn't mean we want to be nuked anymore than you straight people. And last time we checked, CTU was about as good at weeding out moles as they are picking out window treatments. Seeing events unfold so far this year, we are totally convinced that you are missing all the tell-tale warning signs with Milo. To make our case, let's go down memory lane and review the evidence:

Several years ago, Milo was an outsourced techie who came to CTU to help do some very important clickety-clacking on a keyboard in your office. During that time, Milo was rockin' the wrinkled button down shirt left open over a t-shirt underneath. And look at those earrings- it's like he stole them out of his mother's old costume jewelry box (not that we know what that's all about!). Our verdict on old Milo: he was slob-chic when the grunge fad had long since past. We've seen this condition many times before, and it doesn't just go away on its own.

Milo disappeared from our attention for several years since "Day 1," but not before Milo asked out and failed to make snugglies with that cutie Chloe O'Brian. That sort of rejection usually sends a fashion-offender into a deeper rut of flannel shirts and stonewashed jeans. But hello! "Day 6" rolls around and look at the man's new-found pulse for fashion! A tailored suit with a clean-pressed shirt (and no tie, to affirm his hipster status). And honey, you're definitely using a facial scrub and moisturizer-- you're practically glowing! With your government salary, you can't afford that kind of transformation. Somebody got to you, Milo. They're paying you big bucks under the table to make you a top-shelf hunk. You've gone from looking "sorta'rican" to worthy of freakin'!

Now, you've come a long way but you still need a little work-- your attachment to that "soulpatch" is a no-no. And if you're thinking of taking home little Miss Nadia, you are going to have to step-up and make her dinner before the po-po catch onto you. Oh, poor silly Milo, you should have come to us first before taking all that money from those naughty terrorists. We would have helped you! But people, Milo is a definitely a "mole-o" and when CTU comes crashing down, don't say we didn't warn you! Okay, we're off to go on a shopping spree before Rodeo Drive is irradiated.

P.S. Jack, honey, we LOVE your manpurse! Ciao!


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