ANNOUNCER: From the nation's capital, "The McLaughlin Group", an unrehearsed, unscripted and highly-caffeinated program presenting inside opinions and forecasts on major issues of today.
JOHN McLAUGHLIN: ISSHOOO ONE! L.A. goes KABOOM! The last time Los Angeles was this dangerous to visit was when Courtney Love was let out of rehab for the seventeenth time. Of course, nobody could have predicted that we would be sitting here discussing a thermonuclear event. With thousands dead and many sweet ripe oranges destroyed, the question is: Has President Wayne Palmer's goatee diminished his ability to handle this crisis, I ask you PAT BUCHANAN?
PAT BUCHANAN: John, clearly the goatee is not presidential The last U.S. president to have facial hair was Howard Taft, and I tell you now that Taft would be equally impaired in this crisis as a result.
McLAUGHLIN: So, you're saying that Wayne Palmer is weakened by what you believe is an ill-advised attempt at looking "hip?"
BUCHANAN: Yes, John I--
McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL?!
LAWRENCE O'DONNELL: I think that's plain wrong. Wayne Palmer has served as well as anyone given the circumstances. The facial hair has little effect on our national security posture.
McLAUGHLIN: Have you ever tried to grow facial hair?
O'DONNELL: Yes, in college.
McLAUGHLIN: Were you attempting to suggest a quality of virility to a member of the opposite sex?
McLAUGHLIN: Did your GPA suffer during that time?
O'DONNELL: I don't rememb--
McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!
ELEANOR CLIFT: Are you asking me if I ever tried to grow facial hair?
McLAUGHLIN: The answer to that question is obvious. It's called bleach, try it sometime!
CLIFT: I don't have to sit here and--
McLAUGHLIN: You have and you will take it! The thesis of the question is proven- facial hair starts out being a novelty soon grows into a full-blown hobby and what's worse it becomes an obsession! I once lost a prized Corgi at the county fair because I was too busy preening my 'stache! ISSHOOO TWO! How does this attack affect the commodities market, specifically the trading value of the now-extinct Valencia Orange, I ask you ELEANOR CLIFT!
CLIFT: I don't know, how expensive are they now?
McLAUGHLIN: You don't know? You don't indulge in the precious, sweet gift that is the orange? Eleanor, you dine like a bachelor! PAT BUCHANAN!
BUCHANAN: Oh, I think the market is going to be astronomical, but we have to be steadfast in our refusal to buy foreign oranges.
McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!
O'DONNELL: I agree that the prices are going to skyrocket, but I think this will renew the push for orange-stem-cell research and the administration is going to have to rethink--
McLAUGHLIN: TONY BLANKLEY!
BLANKLEY: I believe I ate my last orange this morning.
McLAUGHLIN: CORRECT! The orange, a long-beloved staple of a healthy diet, and a rich source of Vitamin C is no more and shall be replaced by the SUPERIOR delight that is the cranberry! NEXT ISSHOOO! On a scale of one to ten, one being a being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 10 being absolute metaphysical certitude, what are the chances that the alien race that abducted me as a youth and implanted this nefarious chip in my brain will come down and stop these attacks, I ask you TONY BLANKLEY!
TONY BLANKLEY: I would have to say a 7.
McLAUGHLIN: A 7, really, that high?
BLANKLEY: I have spoken to their ambassadors on the phone just before we went on the air and they assure me that there will be no further attacks.
McLAUGHLIN: Very doubtful. PAT BUCHANAN!
BUCHANAN: I've been saying for years that we need to close our borders to aliens and nobody has listened to--
McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!
CLIFT: I don't know, are these aliens going to do anything about health care in this country? Everything I've heard from their end is "business as usual" in Washington. I seriously doubt the aliens have a plan to address the big issues.
McLAUGHLIN: WRONG! The aliens do have a plan and I have seen it! LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!
O'DONNELL: A zero, John. The aliens have a unifying pact called the "Prime Directive" which forbids any interference in our course of history. They will not stop the attacks and their health care plan is not a serious reform package.
McLAUGHLIN: And the answer is: ZERO! BUH-BYE!