Jack Needs A Suit!: A "24" Picture-Book

Remember when you were a kid and you had those fun little picture-books? The stories were always pretty simple: "Clifford Gets A Birthday Cake" or "The Berenstain Bears Get Discriminated Against By The Anti-Semitic Co-op Board." Well, here's a "24" picture-book for you to share with your children- it's called "Jack Needs A Suit!"

"Jack, sweetie, Josh is really OUR son. And tonight he has a big piano recital, you really should come."

"DAMMIT! I hate piano recitals!"

"He's playing Pachelbel's Canon in D!"

"I'm screwed... I don't even have anything nice to wear... well Buchanan is a pimp, maybe he can help."

"Bill, it's Jack. I don't have time to explain, where do you get your suits?"
"Don't worry about it, Jack. I've given up on the fact that I outrank you. I get my suits from Charles Logan, he's the best tailor in the state."
"Copy that... I gotta see if I can get out of going to this recital, I'll call you back, Bill."
"Wait, Jack, there are terrorists-"

"Marilyn, you're killin' me. Do I have to go to this thing?"

"Look, Mister. While you were racking up kills and getting in bed with those damsels in distress, I was busy changing our baby's diapers, and sitting up with him when he had a fever. You're not getting out it this!"

"Now, tell our son you're going to his recital tonight!"
"Josh, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I am also your father. You're going to have to trust me, I swear to you that I will be at your recital tonight."
"Sweet, you're gonna be a much cooler dad than that other dude!"

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"I can't believe I'm asking this bastard to make me a suit."

"I know why you're here Jack... you need a suit."

(silence)

"Come on, ya big baby. I've got something I think you're going to love."
"Hey, Chuck, you have anything that can cover these horrendous scars on my hand. China was a bitch."

"Oh, here comes the guilt-trip. Look, when these Italian wools hit your skin, you're going to forget all about that China thing. Got a big night planned?"

"I was thinking of taking your ex-wife out."

"Not funny, Jack. I happen to know for a fact that you're going to a piano recital tonight. What, you think I don't have my sources? Jack, going to the recital is the wrong play. You should get a paternity test. Marilyn smells all those government checks piling up since you've been gone."

"You guys actually pay me for this? Damn... I gotta make a call to Wayne."

"Enough small talk, Jack. Let's see if we can't make you look civilized, yes?"

TWO HOURS LATER...

Jack has his suit and he calls Marilyn.

"Okay, we're gonna all go together in the minivan."

"Marilyn, I swear to you this doesn't end here. Bye, honey."

Trek Movie Report

While "The Jack Sack" is my personal ode to all things Jack Bauer-related, I am also a long-suffering fan of "Star Trek" (very sexy, no?). As such, I have been closely following these new so-called "remastered" versions of the Original Series, which air weekly (featuring modern, computer-generated special effects, updating the 1960s series for 21st Century viewers). And the single-best website for news and resources on all things "Trek" is Anthony Pascale's Trek Movie Report. Anthony generously gave me the opportunity to write a review of last week's epsiode "The Paradise Syndrome," which features Captain Kirk dressing up as a Native American and overacting himself into a tizzy. That review can be found here.
To Anthony, Matt and the rest of the Trek Movie Report team, thank you for giving me the opportunity to contribute to your venerable site.

Entertainment News: Oliver Stone to Direct "Logan"

Following last night's Academy Awards, controversial director Oliver Stone, known for such films as "JFK," "Nixon" and "Any Given Sunday" officially announced that production will begin on the long-rumored project "Logan." "Logan" will cover the recent controversial events that brought down former President Charles Logan, who left office nearly two years ago.

"It's a story about an average man who comes into power mostly by accident, or more by opportunity," said Mr. Stone in an interview with "The Hollywood Reporter." "Growing up in the 60s, and I saw a lot of this country's innocence dissolve during the Vietnam War, and since that time we have looked at our government with a skeptical gaze. Charles Logan is a fascinating chapter in America's dark, untold history; I want to make sure the whole truth gets out."

The industry has been set abuzz by Stone's all-star cast: Jack Nicholson is set to play Charles Logan, Meryl Streep has been signed to play the former First Lady Martha Logan, Ed Harris is the venerable Chief of Staff Mike Novick, Greg Kinnear will play the enigmatic Walt Cummings and Jamie Foxx has been cast as Wayne Palmer, the man who would later be elected President. Perhaps most controversial is the addition of what many call a "fictional" character, a rogue government agent named "Jake Brauer," who Stone insists is a real person and was instrumental in uncovering President Logan's crimes. Brauer will be played by Charlie Sheen.

Much like his past films about past presidents, "Logan" has already been dismissed for its "dramatic licenses." Stone says he has heard it all before: "I guess I have this big bulls-eye on my back because of who I am, right? Listen, what my film reveals is something the mainstream media has ignored, despite volumes of evidence showing otherwise. Logan was a fall guy, a puppet. There was a whole... I don't even want to use the word "conspiracy" because I know people will laugh, but there was a cabal of American defense contractors, Chechen rebels, Russian expatriates, former Special Forces personnel, and Caspian Oil Interests pushing for a worldwide conflict. They used terrorist attacks on U.S. soil to manipulate geopolitics to their own economic advantage. Luckily they were stopped by a courageous man, someone the government doesn't want us to know about- his name, from what I can gather based on exhaustive research, is Jake Brauer. Two years ago, this man disappeared, so I have no idea what he looks like. He's rumored to be in North Korea, but all attempts I've made with the Koreans to find Brauer have been stonewalled. Our own State Department refuses to help find this great man."

Members of Logan's former administration have refused to comment on Stone's movie, nor has the current Palmer Administration made any statements. It would seem that, yet again, Stone is off in the wilderness, pursuing his own inner demons by way of American history. "I had a... complicated relationship with my father. He sent me away as a young boy and I don't think we ever had a reconciliation before he died. But I don't think that has anything to do with Caspian Oil Interests, so I don't get the point of your question."

We will closely follow this production and give updates as they become available.

The Unemployed World of "24"

The job market in "24" land is not unlike that of the real world.

Whether you're committing high crimes and misdemeanors, or simply breaking various protocols at CTU, nobody's job is safe from the dreaded pink-slip. We here at The Jack Sack think its worth looking at how past characters have dealt with this issue and how they've tried to get back into gainful employment, sometimes with tragic results.

Name: Jack Bauer
Former Occupation: Director of CTU Los Angeles
Reason for Termination: Wife was brutally murdered at the office, and the CTU commissary stopped serving Tuna Casserole.
Method of Retuning to Work: Shoots a key witness amidst a terrorist crisis, cuts said witnesses' head off with a hacksaw, tells his old boss, George Mason: "That's the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves."
Result: Jack got back onto CTU's payroll but within the same day, he was tortured (to death, but was resuscitated), beaten and almost had to take a nuke into the desert all alone until George Mason, dying from radiation sickness, "rolled up his sleeves" and finished the task himself.
Conclusion: What's good for the nation is seldom good for Jack. Having returned to CTU, Jack has since suffered a heroin addiction, he's further alienated he's cougar-magnet daughter, he's died again (faked death), he's been a prisoner in China for 20 months and he's suffered countless bone-crushing beatings along the way. Jack may have been better off opening a florist shop ("Dammit Chloe, I need chrysanthemums!")

Name: Tony Almeida
Former Occupation: Director of CTU Los Angeles
Reason for Termination: Mrs. Almeida, Michelle Dessler, sold him out.
Method of Returning to Work: Desperate to get help from someone he could trust, Jack called Tony to bail him out of a no-win situation and Tony came through big-time. Afterwards, when Jack went back to Tony's apartment, he found our man emptying Budweiser bottles into his Chicago Cubs mug (affectionately called "Cubby" by the real-world Almeida cult that exists worldwide). Jack, unimpressed with alcoholism as he used to be hooked on the "junk," asked Tony to get off his couch and start killing terrorists again (asked is a funny word, let's just say Tony had no choice at the time), and Almeida obliged.
Result: Tony proved himself worthy of Jack's trust. Tony also got his wife back (not until after it was revealed that she and Bill Buchanan had a tryst). Unfortunately, Tony's return to work would soon end in him being killed by the cabal that also killed his wife, former President David Palmer and many hundreds in the Los Angeles-area. Tony would still be on that couch, killing beers if Jack had let the man be. But as the old Klingon adage goes: "It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!" Qa'Plah! (h/t to Lou for the pic, even though he stole it from another website!)

Name: David Palmer
Former Occupation: President of the United States
Reason for Termination: Forced to not seek reelection when David's brother, Wayne, screwed his biggest financial contributor's wife, setting into motion a series of events that resulted in death, scandal and a premature end to David's political career.
Method of Returning to Work: When his successor, President Keeler, was shot down in Air Force One and rendered incapacitated (in the coolest episode of "24" ever!) former President Palmer was asked back into the White House to assist newly minted President Charles Logan through the remainder of the terrorist plot (Logan was about as commanding as Steve Urkel at a strip-club in his first hours as President).
Result: David Palmer got too close. Dammit! After mismanaging the crisis, causing an international fracas with the Chinese (which would result in bad things for Jack Bauer), Palmer was unceremoniously booted out of the White House when Charles Logan felt Palmer was making his job "too darned difficult!" Palmer would later discover a nefarious conspiracy taking place within the Logan Administration, but before he could warn anyone about it, he was assassinated. If Palmer had just decided to take that offer to do Allstate commercials, he'd still be alive today.

Name: Bill Buchanan
Former Occupation: Director, CTU Los Angeles
Reason for Termination: Pissed off Homeland Security for breaking protocols.
Method of Returning to Work: Continued to break protocols with Chloe back at his house (stop, stop, it's not what it sounds like... sheesh, people, go write your own fan fiction if that's what you're into.)
Result: Aside from removing his necktie and suit jacket, Buchanan really didn't do much differently. He assisted Jack Bauer with his "off-the-grid" antics and he even let soon-to-be President Wayne Palmer use his spare bedroom (talk about making friends in high places). For our benefit, we got to see Casa de Buchanan and I give the man credit, he's got a bitchin' plasma screen in that house. Sunday football at Buchanan's! Whoo-hoo! Anyway-- when it was proven that Bill was right and EVERYONE at CTU was wrong, and stupid, and smelly, they came back groveling. Bill got his job back. Bill also ended up marrying the old hag that fired him. Now, Bill can roleplay scenes from "The Lord of the Rings" with Karen Hayes (with her obviously playing the part of Gandalf, the Gray).

Name: Charles Logan
Former Occupation: Commander-in-Thief, Liar-in-Chief, etc., etc.
Reason for Termination: Scandal! Conspiracy! Murder! Kidnapping! Obstruction of Justice! Treason! (do I need to continue?)
Method of Returning to Work: As will be revealed early in next week's episode, Charles Logan was forced to leave office, but before he could go to prison for the rest of his natural life, his immediate successor, President Hal Gardner pardoned 'ol Chuck for the whole shebang (pulling a Gerry Ford). Now, Logan grows facial hair, plays Halo 3 on his X-Box and plots to get his wife Martha Logan back, even though she's probably making snugglies with Secret Service Super Agent Aaron Pierce of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Result: Logan has to be desperate- you'd have to be to have Jack Bauer call you up for help! Thanks in part to Logan, Jack was sent on the slow-boat to China for 20 months. Logan was also complicit in the deaths of former President David Palmer, Tony Almeida and Michelle Dessler (all friends of Jack, as he would repeatedly tell you). It's uncertain what will come of Logan, but his chances of surviving the day are not looking good. Jack is going to eat Logan's liver.

WTF? Moments From Hour 10, Day 6

So far, this season has been pretty low on the "what the f*@%?" moments scale when put up against previous days of "24" (e.g. Kim meets a cougar, SecDef Heller drives off a cliff and lives to tell about it, anything involving Sherry Palmer, etc.). But Hour 10 has started bringing zany back to "24" and not a moment too soon. Below, a few quirky moments that made me laugh and wonder "what the frig?":

Okay, let's start with the liquor store. Morris, bent out of shape for being a wuss and helping the terrorists arm the remaining nukes, decides "I need a wee snort" to get me back on top. Well, it started out all innocent, he tells Chloe "'Allo love, I'm going for a walkie-doo," but Morris made a bee-line for the liquor store in record time. But here's what tickled me about that whole scene- a nuke just went off a few miles from where this is talking place and 1) a liquor store is open during this crisis- which really cracks me up as apparently the store owner is thinking "Well, if people aren't falling off the wagon today, I'm in the wrong business!" But what's more surprising is 2) THE STORE IS EMPTY! Okay, it looks like any normal, sunny day in Los Angeles, despite the nuke going off, right? So, lots of folks are hanging out, they're driving to the gym, picking up their dry cleaning, etc. And while you're out on these mundane errands, trying to keep your mind off of the NUKE that exploded by your friend Larry's house, you see a liquor store with its doors wide open. I don't know exactly how I'd behave in that type of crisis, but I do think its very possible that I'd be checking out some very pricey single-malts myself thinking "well, if the end of the world is here, I'm drinking the good stuff." I'd probably be dunking my morning toast in Blue Label. And let's give credit to the liquor store attendant- you'd think that as a radioactive cloud lingers outside, he'd be getting loaded himself. Nope, he's a stand-up individual, dutifully selling booze to recovering alcoholics who need it a helluva lot more than he does. I'm calling this liquor store guy "Walt" after the Disney fella, because fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you if you're drunk off your silly ass!

And then this little moment took place...

"I do say Mr. Bauer, are you blushing?" "Copy that."

Jack and Marilyn are on the verge of facing Pops Bauer in a potentially lethal situation and there's sexual tension being played up! Jack tells Marilyn to put a flack vest on underneath her clothing, so Marilyn quickly removes her blouse (no questions asked!) and does this look over her shoulder to Jack, indicating that he should take a peek. What does Jack do? With his back to her, he takes the suggested peek! Do you think that henchman sitting in the SUV was rolling his eyes at this silliness? Maybe, but here he is, crapping himself thinking about all the bars of soap he's gonna be collecting in prison, and Jack and Marilyn are playing peekaboo in a parking garage! Oh, I love that the official "24" site saw it fit to give the henchman a name too-- he's called "Hacker." And what's even funnier is that when they get into the hotel room and Pops Bauer isn't there, Jack quickly decides "I need to deck Hacker," despite the fact that the guy is in custody and handcuffed. Awesome.

And finally, there's that signature "24" move that they always relish in doing, the "da-da-DUM!" reveal at the end of an episode of some surprising character. This week, we got Charles Logan, former President and current George Lucas impersonator. The beard and flannel shirt really do scream "I'm out of work" so even though we only have a few seconds of Chuck, they did seem to give quite the impression. Logan can only be a good thing for this season. He's such a bastard yet he's fascinating, like his real-world template Richard Nixon. Come on, you wouldn't want to watch a show where a scruffy, disgraced Richard Nixon was helping to solve crimes? That's must-see TV! Sign Logan up for his own spinoff. Trust me FOX, it's a ratings winner.

The Jack Sack Presents: William Shakespeare's BAUER

Below is a portion of this week's episode of Twenty-Four, adapted for the stage by William Shakespeare.

The Players:
Lord Jack Bauer, Knight of the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Princess Marilyn Bauer, recently widowed heiress to the Bauer kingdom
King Phillip Bauer, Villainous defense contractor and father to Lord Jack
Handmaiden Chloe O'Brian, a lady in waiting
Lord Bill Buchanan, Chief Constable of the Counter Terrorist Unit
Morris O'Brian, an electronic-blacksmith

Castle CTU, 3:07PM

MORRIS
O' I am fortune's fool!
My spirit, it doth suffer
And 'tis the taste of spirits
That my dry lips crave!

CHLOE
Where the day hath just begun
Thou hast no need for such bile
I have no other but a woman's reason
Which tac teams need like a dagger to strike!

Enter Chief Constable Bill Buchanan

BUCHANAN
Handmaiden, finish the assault vectors if you please
Whilst thou and Morris are content to gossip
Dost thou not feel thine cold hard stare?

CHLOE
Apologies, kind sir!

MORRIS
Now go we in content
To do our work, Constable sir!

Buchanan exits.

CHLOE
Morris, your breeze is tainted
If thou trust in thine Altoids
Trust in several bits more

MORRIS
Indeed!

Meanwhile, at a lodge in Los Angeles, 3:11PM
Lord Jack and Princess Marilyn have just evaded certain death.

MARILYN
Something is rotten in the State of California
O, beware my lord of the King, your father
That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity
Thine father hath cut a line of blood on this day

JACK
The King, my father is the villainous one?
The man that hath no music in himself
Dammit!

MARILYN
Graem, my husband, your brother
I hath warned him
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent
How is he now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, DEAD!

JACK
He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a Defense Contractor

(the cell phone rings, Jack answers)

JACK
Bauer.

PHILLIP
My son, let us end this charade!

JACK
Indeed, father. Come, let's away to prison
We two alone will sing!

PHILLIP
Nothing can come from nothing
The play's the thing, and I have one here
Ask Marilyn how she wants me to cut thine son
My dagger awaits the whisper from her lips!

JACK
Your highness, the quality of mercy is not strained!
Let us attempt an exchange, a Bauer for a Bauer
Turn the grandson into the son
I follow Josh to serve my turn upon him

PHILLIP
O happy dagger!
We have terms, my son
Leave thine swords and glocks behind
For I am constant as the northern star
By the pricking of my thumbs
Treachery will be met with Josh's blood.

(Jack ends the call)

JACK
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

MARILYN
Jack, before we venture forth
I must tell you of my heart
Whilst thou toiled in China
I yearned for this day where
Journeys end in lovers meeting.

JACK
Indeed, some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
But what of Graem? Has that name no meaning to you?

MARILYN
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
Graem claimed dominion over Josh
My one true treasure in this world

JACK
Come, shall we not speak to fresh ghosts' faces
Whilst the clock ticks, beating its drum
And the long day's task is not yet done
Let us venture to the exchange with King Phillip.

MARILYN
Shall we meet under the moon's gaze again?

JACK
Let us dwell not on these thoughts, m'lady
For battle awaits us now
Oh, my kingdom for a hacksaw!

Exeunt.

Leave Politics = Grow an Ugly Beard!

Last night, we got a chance to catch up with Former President and Liar-in-Chief Charles Logan. How does 'ol Chuck look nowadays? Like an adult film producer living in San Fernando Valley, actually. The once dapper, clean-cut conspirator now sports what has become a signature feature for out-of-work politicos- a scraggly, unkempt beard! Let us examine recent examples of this trend in an attempt to better understand why men who once held power tend to fall back on this facial security-hair-blanket for much-needed comfort when they lose power.

Following the 2000 Presidential election, and the drawn-out fight over Florida's final vote count, former Vice President Al Gore went away for a few months to "mend fences" and go into pseudo-seclusion. When he reappeared, Gore looked like a full-grown Yeti. He was never quite stable in my book, but the man gained 40 lbs and grew out his hair in every single place possible. By contrast, Bill Clinton would have ordered a few hookers and moved on from from defeat. Gore, however, lost his remaining marbles and grew himself an ugly beard.

Flash-forward a couple of years later to the capture of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. Hussein, on the run from Uncle Sam, decided he too would skip all grooming practices since he was out of a job. When he was finally brought into custody after several months of "chillin' wit da peeps," Hussein revealed to the world his version of the "out-of-power" beard. His was white and gray and full-- very impressive in its volume and color variety. Sure, U.S. troops had to check Hussein's beard for any mites, lice, (and weapons of mass destruction) but what skin parasite wouldn't want to live in such a luxurious patch of hair?

While we here at The Jack Sack make fun of these deposed leaders for their poorly executed facial hair, one cannot forget that President Wayne Palmer is IN office and he can't seem to handle a simple goatee! Facial hair is a tricky game. Unless you're a hobo or a Cuban dictator, you're probably not prepared for the consequences of its power. Our advice: Do the smart thing and stay clean-shaven. COPY THAT!

Year of the Pig= Year of Disasters!

Since Jack Bauer spent 20 months in a Chinese prison, we at The Jack Sack feel it is our duty to pay more attention to the People's Republic of China. Last weekend marked the beginning of the Chinese New Year, namely the Year of the Pig. We regret to report that Chinese Feng Shui experts predict a year of disasters to come. Given Phillip Bauer's love of both pigs and causing disasters, we are forced to agree with these Chinese experts. Therefore, we advise all of you to remain in your homes throughout the day. Don't be a hero. Kick back and watch television, it's good for you. And if you start to doubt that the end is nigh, let me put one little idea out there for you to consider first:

The Year of the Pig has already managed to serve up one disaster by transforming the once-hot Britney Spears into Penny Marshall!











Do you want to end up looking like Penny Marshall too? Consider yourself warned.

UPDATE: Twiggy, the CTU Squirrel Fired For Water-Skiing Drunk

Twiggy, the CTU Water-Skiing Squirrel was fired today just a mere few days into her stint as our government's newest weapon in the war on terror. This photograph, obtained exclusively by The Jack Sack, allegedly depicts Twiggy having a "breakfast beer" before showing up to work earlier this morning. CTU officials refuse to issue a comment at this time. Twiggy, in a short statement vows to sue CTU for discrimination and wrongful termination, retaining Alan Dershowitz as her counsel.

Report: CTU Using Trained Squirrels To Fight Terrorism

We here at The Jack Sack like to stay on top of developing strategies and technologies employed by our national security agencies. For years now, the military has used dolphins for various tasks in defending our shores. Not to be outdone, some land-based creatures are trying to get in on the act, so here we have unedited footage of CTU's newest recruit- Twiggy, the Water-Skiing Squirrel.

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot safer with the squirrels on our side. Have you seen those commericals for Honey Nut Clusters? Those little dudes are crafty!

Happy Valentine's Day- Bauer-ized! [UPDATED]

Editor's note: Updated with new pictures of misery and mayhem!

"My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent."

-Greatest pick-up line. Ever.

On this glorious holiday where we rejoice in Cupid's whimsy, let us look back at the list of ladies who trusted in Jack and found themselves either dead or irreparably harmed (in chronological order).

Name: Teri Bauer.
Relationship: Wife.
Status: Dead.
Notes: Teri Bauer, wife of Jack Bauer, had just reconciled with our hero before the start of Day One. By the end of the day, Teri died at the hands of Jack's former mistress/co-worker, Nina Myers. But before her death, Teri was kidnapped, beat-up, raped, and suffered amnesia. And all of that happened in one day.
Conclusion: Teri, Jack's first "24" girl, had it the worst.

Name: Marilyn Bauer
Relationship: Sister-in-law
Status: Currently making sure Milo doesn't start crying.
Notes: Marilyn married Jack's brother, Graem but at some point before or after (or both?!), she and Jack had a few romps in the hay. According to information trickling in during Day Six, Jack and Marilyn had an affair 20 years ago, placing that approximately ten years before Day One. Without getting too bogged down in details, it is reasonable to say that this affair took place while Jack was married to Teri and after Kim was born. Graem knew about the affair and spent the next 20 years not having sex with his wife because of it.
Conclusion: Jack and Marilyn- not a healthy relationship. While Graem's body is still warm, Marilyn proceeds to tell Jack she still wants him. Jack is still adjusting to sunlight and political freedoms after his stint in China AND he thinks he just killed your husband-- back off lady and give the guy some space!

Name: Kate Warner
Relationship: Lady of interest
Status: Presumed Alive
Notes: Day Two's Kate Warner was drawn into a terrorist plot when it was revealed that her kid sister, Marie, was a batshit-crazy petite-sized jihadist that was aiding in the detonation of a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Jack and Kate hit it off relatively quickly and the managed to have a relationship that ended sometime prior to Day Three, when Jack was addicted to heroin.
Conclusion: The smartest of the Bauer Girls- she got out without being permanently harmed. She had to deal with her sister's psychotic breakdown, but without Jack in her life, she has probably fared quite well.

Name: Claudia Salazar
Relationship: Jack's "Sexi-can" side-action during an undercover sting
Status: Dead as a doornail.
Notes: Claudia Salazar, wife to drug lord Hector Salazar, engaged in an illicit affair with Jack while he was working undercover within the Salazar crime syndicate. She was very cool- she helped CTU agent Chase Edmunds escape from a torture cell and took down a couple of Salazar's henchmen in the process. Jack promised to get her and her family out of Mexico, but those plans never materialized as she was gunned down in an audacious escape attempt from La Hacienda de Los Muertos! (For her efforts and beauty, Claudia is The Jack Sack's favorite Bauer girl).
Conclusion: She trusted Jack and now she's dead.

Name: Audrey Raines
Relationship: On-again/off-again girlfriend.
Status: Keeping the Kleenex corporation in business.
Notes: Audrey Raines, daughter to Secretary of Defense James Heller, began an extra-marital affair with Jack in Day Four. The affair was amidst a "separation" period between herself and her husband, Paul Raines. Long story short, by the end of Day Four, Jack tortured Paul, and pulled away doctors giving Paul emergency medical attention so that they could save a Chinese dude that had vital information about terrorists. As a result, Paul died. Now, not to be outdone, Audrey herself was kidnapped and roughed up, along with her father. Audrey's little brother, Richard, was also interrogated by Jack at CTU (read tortured). And by the end of Day Four, Audrey was under the impression that Jack was dead, as he faked his death to shake off the Chinese. Day Five rolls around, and Audrey gets put through the ringer again! Aside from having to absorb the fact that Jack didn't die, she had to debrief Jack's new girlfriend, Diane Huxley. Later in the day, Audrey herself was interrogated by Jack and Rick Burke, and she was almost fatally wounded by Christopher Henderson. And just when she thought all was finally right in the world at the end of the day, her man Jack leaves to take a phone call and goes missing for 20 months.
Conclusion: What does Jack say when he sees her again? "Sorry, honey it was the wrong number?" Audrey is the most durable woman on Earth. She has seen it all. She deserves a medal and a lot of psychiatric help. It is doubtful she will give Jack another go, but we will have to wait and see.

Name: Diane Huxley
Relationship: Jack's Foxy Landlady
Status: Alive and left with one helluva story for her girlfriends
Notes: Diane Huxley housed Jack while he was living "off the grid" following his staged death. Diane was unaware that her new tenant/boyfriend was a former federal agent. She assumed he was a scruffy drifter working at a nearby oil rig. She liked the fact that he was a scruffy drifter. But when Day Five kicked off, she soon found out what it means to be involved with Jack Bauer, federal agent. Her son was kidnapped, taken hostage and almost executed on world-wide television. After a quick, awkward talk with Audrey Raines back at CTU, Diane wisely washed her hands of Jack and has hopefully found herself a nice, non-lethal boyfriend to make her happy.
Conclusion: Suffered the least out of the Bauer Girls. She could have taken down Audrey with one punch is she wanted.

"24": The 1970s Version [UPDATED]

Editor's note: I've made some additions/changes- look below!

Let's crank up the 'ol Jack Sack time machine and ask ourselves what if the world's most important television show ever was produced during my favorite period in American entertainment- the hard-nosed, high-cholesterol, politically-incorrect decade of the 1970s. Remember all those disaster flicks from that decade? "The Towering Inferno," "The Poseidon Adventure," and "Black Sunday"? "24" would have fit into that bunch perfectly. So, who would play our favorite characters in this period? Let's take a look:

Jack Bauer: Clint Eastwood. If anyone embodies the way of the gun mentality that is Jack Bauer, it is "Dirty Harry" himself. With that trademark squint, his love affiar with the .44 Magnum pistol, and his constant head-butting with Due Process, Eastwood would have made a perfect Jack Bauer. Steve McQueen is a close second-place (he, like Jack Bauer, had multiple relations with women-- I don't think Dirty Harry ever had time to sack any ladies as he was too busy blowing away street punks to engage the opposite sex) but Clint knows how to tame the Left-Coast with a firearm, and he's the right man to headline this cast.

President David Palmer: James Earl Jones. This guy does not mess around. Darth Vader is my all-time favorite hero-- he gets things done. Jones has played kings, Admirals, Sith Lords, and cartoon lions. He is the world's most sought-after commencement speaker, and with good reason. If this President Palmer wants to wear a cape, so be it.

Kim Bauer: Susan Dey. She embodied West Coast hotness in the 70s. And she strikes me as stupid enough to run into the only cougar in Los Angeles. Clint would find her extremely annoying. She's perfect!

Tony Almeida: Al Pacino. Originally, I had Ricardo Montalban as Tony, but in thinking about it further, Montalban is not a cop- he is a Prince, a suave and dangerous man. I therefore would move him to the Marwan category. But Pacino... man just look at him. If he got shot in the neck, he'd be back at his desk in four hours, just like our boy Almeida.

Chloe O'Brian: Mia Farrow. This is a hard role to recast given the fantastic job Mary Lynn Rajskub has managed, but in terms of petite-yet-odd actresses, I feel Mia Farrow is a strange enough lady to pull it off. And she married Sinatra, which means she's cool in my book.

Sherry Palmer: Diana Ross. As a kid, I have to say that Diana Ross always made me nervous, like she was up to something bad but you could never figure out the game she was playing. Yes, I find snakes, spiders and Diana Ross unsettling. My therapist made me watch "Mahogany" several times to get over this fear and it hasn't helped much at all.

Curtis Manning: Hall-of-Fame Running Back and part-time actor Jim Brown. I originally cast Billy Dee Williams here but my brother, David, called me up and set me straight by suggesting Jim Brown. Look at the guy- mean, tough and ready to cause pain. No terrorist could tackle him as he rushes towards the endzone of national security! Jim Brown IS the Black Bauer.

George Mason: Gene Hackman. If you don't like Gene Hackman, do me a favor and click out of this site right now and never come back. Seriously. Hackman could play ANY role in this show if asked, but I gotta put the man somewhere and George Mason's obnoxious, cynical attitude is a perfect fit.

Mike Novick: Robert Duvall. Another 70s icon that demands universal love here at The Jack Sack. As Don Vito Corleone's consiglieri, I'm convinced that he would slide right into the role of President Vader's Chief of Staff without even having to read the script.

Mandy: Natalie Wood. No question, Natalie Wood is a perfect actress to take on the sexy and mysterious assassin-for-hire.

Disgraced President Charles Logan: Disgraced President Richard Nixon (fist-pump included).

Okay, now for a couple of "Day 6" add-ons (because this season is fresh in my head):

Nadia Yassir: Sophia Loren. I was prepared to cast her as Jack Bauer just to ensure that she was included in this article. Thankfully "Day 6" has a perfect excuse in the character of Nadia for me to fill my Sophia Loren quota.

Vice President Noah Daniels: Lee Marvin. Powers Boothe and Lee Marvin are related, I have no doubt. Just don't tell this Vice President that there's a no-smoking rule on government property. He'll smack ya one right across the face.

General considerations for this time-period setting- there are no cell phones, no data-mining of cross-referenced databases, etc. There are no fax machines, no microwave ovens, no anti-lock breaks, and no seat-belt laws! I guess you could consider changing the name of the show from "24" to "168" as it would take at least 7 days for both the good guys and the terrorists to get their act together. And there would be a lot of stops for gas as the cars back then would only go about 50 miles between fill-ups. Still, the idea of Clint, Pacino and Jim Brown crusing around in an El Camino full of machine guns makes me smile (with a kick-ass Lalo Schifrin jazz score playing underneath).

If anyone has ideas of their own, feel free to post them in a comment.

UPDATE: More casting thanks to your comments and my bro:
Phillip Bauer: Christopher Lee
Agent Aaron Pierce: Peter Boyle
Chloe (alternative): Diane Keaton
Bill Buchanan: Gregory Peck
Audrey Raines: Meryl Streep (all that crying!)
Nina Myers: Hanoi Jane Fonda!
James Heller: Carroll O'Connor (Edith, get these terrorists a beeeeer!)
Actors that must be cast at some point in this project: Telly Savalas, Burt Reynolds, James Caan, anyone from Starsky & Hutch.