WTF? Moments From Hour 10, Day 6

So far, this season has been pretty low on the "what the f*@%?" moments scale when put up against previous days of "24" (e.g. Kim meets a cougar, SecDef Heller drives off a cliff and lives to tell about it, anything involving Sherry Palmer, etc.). But Hour 10 has started bringing zany back to "24" and not a moment too soon. Below, a few quirky moments that made me laugh and wonder "what the frig?":

Okay, let's start with the liquor store. Morris, bent out of shape for being a wuss and helping the terrorists arm the remaining nukes, decides "I need a wee snort" to get me back on top. Well, it started out all innocent, he tells Chloe "'Allo love, I'm going for a walkie-doo," but Morris made a bee-line for the liquor store in record time. But here's what tickled me about that whole scene- a nuke just went off a few miles from where this is talking place and 1) a liquor store is open during this crisis- which really cracks me up as apparently the store owner is thinking "Well, if people aren't falling off the wagon today, I'm in the wrong business!" But what's more surprising is 2) THE STORE IS EMPTY! Okay, it looks like any normal, sunny day in Los Angeles, despite the nuke going off, right? So, lots of folks are hanging out, they're driving to the gym, picking up their dry cleaning, etc. And while you're out on these mundane errands, trying to keep your mind off of the NUKE that exploded by your friend Larry's house, you see a liquor store with its doors wide open. I don't know exactly how I'd behave in that type of crisis, but I do think its very possible that I'd be checking out some very pricey single-malts myself thinking "well, if the end of the world is here, I'm drinking the good stuff." I'd probably be dunking my morning toast in Blue Label. And let's give credit to the liquor store attendant- you'd think that as a radioactive cloud lingers outside, he'd be getting loaded himself. Nope, he's a stand-up individual, dutifully selling booze to recovering alcoholics who need it a helluva lot more than he does. I'm calling this liquor store guy "Walt" after the Disney fella, because fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you if you're drunk off your silly ass!

And then this little moment took place...

"I do say Mr. Bauer, are you blushing?" "Copy that."

Jack and Marilyn are on the verge of facing Pops Bauer in a potentially lethal situation and there's sexual tension being played up! Jack tells Marilyn to put a flack vest on underneath her clothing, so Marilyn quickly removes her blouse (no questions asked!) and does this look over her shoulder to Jack, indicating that he should take a peek. What does Jack do? With his back to her, he takes the suggested peek! Do you think that henchman sitting in the SUV was rolling his eyes at this silliness? Maybe, but here he is, crapping himself thinking about all the bars of soap he's gonna be collecting in prison, and Jack and Marilyn are playing peekaboo in a parking garage! Oh, I love that the official "24" site saw it fit to give the henchman a name too-- he's called "Hacker." And what's even funnier is that when they get into the hotel room and Pops Bauer isn't there, Jack quickly decides "I need to deck Hacker," despite the fact that the guy is in custody and handcuffed. Awesome.

And finally, there's that signature "24" move that they always relish in doing, the "da-da-DUM!" reveal at the end of an episode of some surprising character. This week, we got Charles Logan, former President and current George Lucas impersonator. The beard and flannel shirt really do scream "I'm out of work" so even though we only have a few seconds of Chuck, they did seem to give quite the impression. Logan can only be a good thing for this season. He's such a bastard yet he's fascinating, like his real-world template Richard Nixon. Come on, you wouldn't want to watch a show where a scruffy, disgraced Richard Nixon was helping to solve crimes? That's must-see TV! Sign Logan up for his own spinoff. Trust me FOX, it's a ratings winner.

The Jack Sack Presents: William Shakespeare's BAUER

Below is a portion of this week's episode of Twenty-Four, adapted for the stage by William Shakespeare.

The Players:
Lord Jack Bauer, Knight of the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Princess Marilyn Bauer, recently widowed heiress to the Bauer kingdom
King Phillip Bauer, Villainous defense contractor and father to Lord Jack
Handmaiden Chloe O'Brian, a lady in waiting
Lord Bill Buchanan, Chief Constable of the Counter Terrorist Unit
Morris O'Brian, an electronic-blacksmith

Castle CTU, 3:07PM

MORRIS
O' I am fortune's fool!
My spirit, it doth suffer
And 'tis the taste of spirits
That my dry lips crave!

CHLOE
Where the day hath just begun
Thou hast no need for such bile
I have no other but a woman's reason
Which tac teams need like a dagger to strike!

Enter Chief Constable Bill Buchanan

BUCHANAN
Handmaiden, finish the assault vectors if you please
Whilst thou and Morris are content to gossip
Dost thou not feel thine cold hard stare?

CHLOE
Apologies, kind sir!

MORRIS
Now go we in content
To do our work, Constable sir!

Buchanan exits.

CHLOE
Morris, your breeze is tainted
If thou trust in thine Altoids
Trust in several bits more

MORRIS
Indeed!

Meanwhile, at a lodge in Los Angeles, 3:11PM
Lord Jack and Princess Marilyn have just evaded certain death.

MARILYN
Something is rotten in the State of California
O, beware my lord of the King, your father
That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity
Thine father hath cut a line of blood on this day

JACK
The King, my father is the villainous one?
The man that hath no music in himself
Dammit!

MARILYN
Graem, my husband, your brother
I hath warned him
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent
How is he now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, DEAD!

JACK
He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a Defense Contractor

(the cell phone rings, Jack answers)

JACK
Bauer.

PHILLIP
My son, let us end this charade!

JACK
Indeed, father. Come, let's away to prison
We two alone will sing!

PHILLIP
Nothing can come from nothing
The play's the thing, and I have one here
Ask Marilyn how she wants me to cut thine son
My dagger awaits the whisper from her lips!

JACK
Your highness, the quality of mercy is not strained!
Let us attempt an exchange, a Bauer for a Bauer
Turn the grandson into the son
I follow Josh to serve my turn upon him

PHILLIP
O happy dagger!
We have terms, my son
Leave thine swords and glocks behind
For I am constant as the northern star
By the pricking of my thumbs
Treachery will be met with Josh's blood.

(Jack ends the call)

JACK
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

MARILYN
Jack, before we venture forth
I must tell you of my heart
Whilst thou toiled in China
I yearned for this day where
Journeys end in lovers meeting.

JACK
Indeed, some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
But what of Graem? Has that name no meaning to you?

MARILYN
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
Graem claimed dominion over Josh
My one true treasure in this world

JACK
Come, shall we not speak to fresh ghosts' faces
Whilst the clock ticks, beating its drum
And the long day's task is not yet done
Let us venture to the exchange with King Phillip.

MARILYN
Shall we meet under the moon's gaze again?

JACK
Let us dwell not on these thoughts, m'lady
For battle awaits us now
Oh, my kingdom for a hacksaw!

Exeunt.

Leave Politics = Grow an Ugly Beard!

Last night, we got a chance to catch up with Former President and Liar-in-Chief Charles Logan. How does 'ol Chuck look nowadays? Like an adult film producer living in San Fernando Valley, actually. The once dapper, clean-cut conspirator now sports what has become a signature feature for out-of-work politicos- a scraggly, unkempt beard! Let us examine recent examples of this trend in an attempt to better understand why men who once held power tend to fall back on this facial security-hair-blanket for much-needed comfort when they lose power.

Following the 2000 Presidential election, and the drawn-out fight over Florida's final vote count, former Vice President Al Gore went away for a few months to "mend fences" and go into pseudo-seclusion. When he reappeared, Gore looked like a full-grown Yeti. He was never quite stable in my book, but the man gained 40 lbs and grew out his hair in every single place possible. By contrast, Bill Clinton would have ordered a few hookers and moved on from from defeat. Gore, however, lost his remaining marbles and grew himself an ugly beard.

Flash-forward a couple of years later to the capture of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. Hussein, on the run from Uncle Sam, decided he too would skip all grooming practices since he was out of a job. When he was finally brought into custody after several months of "chillin' wit da peeps," Hussein revealed to the world his version of the "out-of-power" beard. His was white and gray and full-- very impressive in its volume and color variety. Sure, U.S. troops had to check Hussein's beard for any mites, lice, (and weapons of mass destruction) but what skin parasite wouldn't want to live in such a luxurious patch of hair?

While we here at The Jack Sack make fun of these deposed leaders for their poorly executed facial hair, one cannot forget that President Wayne Palmer is IN office and he can't seem to handle a simple goatee! Facial hair is a tricky game. Unless you're a hobo or a Cuban dictator, you're probably not prepared for the consequences of its power. Our advice: Do the smart thing and stay clean-shaven. COPY THAT!

Year of the Pig= Year of Disasters!

Since Jack Bauer spent 20 months in a Chinese prison, we at The Jack Sack feel it is our duty to pay more attention to the People's Republic of China. Last weekend marked the beginning of the Chinese New Year, namely the Year of the Pig. We regret to report that Chinese Feng Shui experts predict a year of disasters to come. Given Phillip Bauer's love of both pigs and causing disasters, we are forced to agree with these Chinese experts. Therefore, we advise all of you to remain in your homes throughout the day. Don't be a hero. Kick back and watch television, it's good for you. And if you start to doubt that the end is nigh, let me put one little idea out there for you to consider first:

The Year of the Pig has already managed to serve up one disaster by transforming the once-hot Britney Spears into Penny Marshall!











Do you want to end up looking like Penny Marshall too? Consider yourself warned.

UPDATE: Twiggy, the CTU Squirrel Fired For Water-Skiing Drunk

Twiggy, the CTU Water-Skiing Squirrel was fired today just a mere few days into her stint as our government's newest weapon in the war on terror. This photograph, obtained exclusively by The Jack Sack, allegedly depicts Twiggy having a "breakfast beer" before showing up to work earlier this morning. CTU officials refuse to issue a comment at this time. Twiggy, in a short statement vows to sue CTU for discrimination and wrongful termination, retaining Alan Dershowitz as her counsel.

Report: CTU Using Trained Squirrels To Fight Terrorism

We here at The Jack Sack like to stay on top of developing strategies and technologies employed by our national security agencies. For years now, the military has used dolphins for various tasks in defending our shores. Not to be outdone, some land-based creatures are trying to get in on the act, so here we have unedited footage of CTU's newest recruit- Twiggy, the Water-Skiing Squirrel.

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot safer with the squirrels on our side. Have you seen those commericals for Honey Nut Clusters? Those little dudes are crafty!

Happy Valentine's Day- Bauer-ized! [UPDATED]

Editor's note: Updated with new pictures of misery and mayhem!

"My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent."

-Greatest pick-up line. Ever.

On this glorious holiday where we rejoice in Cupid's whimsy, let us look back at the list of ladies who trusted in Jack and found themselves either dead or irreparably harmed (in chronological order).

Name: Teri Bauer.
Relationship: Wife.
Status: Dead.
Notes: Teri Bauer, wife of Jack Bauer, had just reconciled with our hero before the start of Day One. By the end of the day, Teri died at the hands of Jack's former mistress/co-worker, Nina Myers. But before her death, Teri was kidnapped, beat-up, raped, and suffered amnesia. And all of that happened in one day.
Conclusion: Teri, Jack's first "24" girl, had it the worst.

Name: Marilyn Bauer
Relationship: Sister-in-law
Status: Currently making sure Milo doesn't start crying.
Notes: Marilyn married Jack's brother, Graem but at some point before or after (or both?!), she and Jack had a few romps in the hay. According to information trickling in during Day Six, Jack and Marilyn had an affair 20 years ago, placing that approximately ten years before Day One. Without getting too bogged down in details, it is reasonable to say that this affair took place while Jack was married to Teri and after Kim was born. Graem knew about the affair and spent the next 20 years not having sex with his wife because of it.
Conclusion: Jack and Marilyn- not a healthy relationship. While Graem's body is still warm, Marilyn proceeds to tell Jack she still wants him. Jack is still adjusting to sunlight and political freedoms after his stint in China AND he thinks he just killed your husband-- back off lady and give the guy some space!

Name: Kate Warner
Relationship: Lady of interest
Status: Presumed Alive
Notes: Day Two's Kate Warner was drawn into a terrorist plot when it was revealed that her kid sister, Marie, was a batshit-crazy petite-sized jihadist that was aiding in the detonation of a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Jack and Kate hit it off relatively quickly and the managed to have a relationship that ended sometime prior to Day Three, when Jack was addicted to heroin.
Conclusion: The smartest of the Bauer Girls- she got out without being permanently harmed. She had to deal with her sister's psychotic breakdown, but without Jack in her life, she has probably fared quite well.

Name: Claudia Salazar
Relationship: Jack's "Sexi-can" side-action during an undercover sting
Status: Dead as a doornail.
Notes: Claudia Salazar, wife to drug lord Hector Salazar, engaged in an illicit affair with Jack while he was working undercover within the Salazar crime syndicate. She was very cool- she helped CTU agent Chase Edmunds escape from a torture cell and took down a couple of Salazar's henchmen in the process. Jack promised to get her and her family out of Mexico, but those plans never materialized as she was gunned down in an audacious escape attempt from La Hacienda de Los Muertos! (For her efforts and beauty, Claudia is The Jack Sack's favorite Bauer girl).
Conclusion: She trusted Jack and now she's dead.

Name: Audrey Raines
Relationship: On-again/off-again girlfriend.
Status: Keeping the Kleenex corporation in business.
Notes: Audrey Raines, daughter to Secretary of Defense James Heller, began an extra-marital affair with Jack in Day Four. The affair was amidst a "separation" period between herself and her husband, Paul Raines. Long story short, by the end of Day Four, Jack tortured Paul, and pulled away doctors giving Paul emergency medical attention so that they could save a Chinese dude that had vital information about terrorists. As a result, Paul died. Now, not to be outdone, Audrey herself was kidnapped and roughed up, along with her father. Audrey's little brother, Richard, was also interrogated by Jack at CTU (read tortured). And by the end of Day Four, Audrey was under the impression that Jack was dead, as he faked his death to shake off the Chinese. Day Five rolls around, and Audrey gets put through the ringer again! Aside from having to absorb the fact that Jack didn't die, she had to debrief Jack's new girlfriend, Diane Huxley. Later in the day, Audrey herself was interrogated by Jack and Rick Burke, and she was almost fatally wounded by Christopher Henderson. And just when she thought all was finally right in the world at the end of the day, her man Jack leaves to take a phone call and goes missing for 20 months.
Conclusion: What does Jack say when he sees her again? "Sorry, honey it was the wrong number?" Audrey is the most durable woman on Earth. She has seen it all. She deserves a medal and a lot of psychiatric help. It is doubtful she will give Jack another go, but we will have to wait and see.

Name: Diane Huxley
Relationship: Jack's Foxy Landlady
Status: Alive and left with one helluva story for her girlfriends
Notes: Diane Huxley housed Jack while he was living "off the grid" following his staged death. Diane was unaware that her new tenant/boyfriend was a former federal agent. She assumed he was a scruffy drifter working at a nearby oil rig. She liked the fact that he was a scruffy drifter. But when Day Five kicked off, she soon found out what it means to be involved with Jack Bauer, federal agent. Her son was kidnapped, taken hostage and almost executed on world-wide television. After a quick, awkward talk with Audrey Raines back at CTU, Diane wisely washed her hands of Jack and has hopefully found herself a nice, non-lethal boyfriend to make her happy.
Conclusion: Suffered the least out of the Bauer Girls. She could have taken down Audrey with one punch is she wanted.

"24": The 1970s Version [UPDATED]

Editor's note: I've made some additions/changes- look below!

Let's crank up the 'ol Jack Sack time machine and ask ourselves what if the world's most important television show ever was produced during my favorite period in American entertainment- the hard-nosed, high-cholesterol, politically-incorrect decade of the 1970s. Remember all those disaster flicks from that decade? "The Towering Inferno," "The Poseidon Adventure," and "Black Sunday"? "24" would have fit into that bunch perfectly. So, who would play our favorite characters in this period? Let's take a look:

Jack Bauer: Clint Eastwood. If anyone embodies the way of the gun mentality that is Jack Bauer, it is "Dirty Harry" himself. With that trademark squint, his love affiar with the .44 Magnum pistol, and his constant head-butting with Due Process, Eastwood would have made a perfect Jack Bauer. Steve McQueen is a close second-place (he, like Jack Bauer, had multiple relations with women-- I don't think Dirty Harry ever had time to sack any ladies as he was too busy blowing away street punks to engage the opposite sex) but Clint knows how to tame the Left-Coast with a firearm, and he's the right man to headline this cast.

President David Palmer: James Earl Jones. This guy does not mess around. Darth Vader is my all-time favorite hero-- he gets things done. Jones has played kings, Admirals, Sith Lords, and cartoon lions. He is the world's most sought-after commencement speaker, and with good reason. If this President Palmer wants to wear a cape, so be it.

Kim Bauer: Susan Dey. She embodied West Coast hotness in the 70s. And she strikes me as stupid enough to run into the only cougar in Los Angeles. Clint would find her extremely annoying. She's perfect!

Tony Almeida: Al Pacino. Originally, I had Ricardo Montalban as Tony, but in thinking about it further, Montalban is not a cop- he is a Prince, a suave and dangerous man. I therefore would move him to the Marwan category. But Pacino... man just look at him. If he got shot in the neck, he'd be back at his desk in four hours, just like our boy Almeida.

Chloe O'Brian: Mia Farrow. This is a hard role to recast given the fantastic job Mary Lynn Rajskub has managed, but in terms of petite-yet-odd actresses, I feel Mia Farrow is a strange enough lady to pull it off. And she married Sinatra, which means she's cool in my book.

Sherry Palmer: Diana Ross. As a kid, I have to say that Diana Ross always made me nervous, like she was up to something bad but you could never figure out the game she was playing. Yes, I find snakes, spiders and Diana Ross unsettling. My therapist made me watch "Mahogany" several times to get over this fear and it hasn't helped much at all.

Curtis Manning: Hall-of-Fame Running Back and part-time actor Jim Brown. I originally cast Billy Dee Williams here but my brother, David, called me up and set me straight by suggesting Jim Brown. Look at the guy- mean, tough and ready to cause pain. No terrorist could tackle him as he rushes towards the endzone of national security! Jim Brown IS the Black Bauer.

George Mason: Gene Hackman. If you don't like Gene Hackman, do me a favor and click out of this site right now and never come back. Seriously. Hackman could play ANY role in this show if asked, but I gotta put the man somewhere and George Mason's obnoxious, cynical attitude is a perfect fit.

Mike Novick: Robert Duvall. Another 70s icon that demands universal love here at The Jack Sack. As Don Vito Corleone's consiglieri, I'm convinced that he would slide right into the role of President Vader's Chief of Staff without even having to read the script.

Mandy: Natalie Wood. No question, Natalie Wood is a perfect actress to take on the sexy and mysterious assassin-for-hire.

Disgraced President Charles Logan: Disgraced President Richard Nixon (fist-pump included).

Okay, now for a couple of "Day 6" add-ons (because this season is fresh in my head):

Nadia Yassir: Sophia Loren. I was prepared to cast her as Jack Bauer just to ensure that she was included in this article. Thankfully "Day 6" has a perfect excuse in the character of Nadia for me to fill my Sophia Loren quota.

Vice President Noah Daniels: Lee Marvin. Powers Boothe and Lee Marvin are related, I have no doubt. Just don't tell this Vice President that there's a no-smoking rule on government property. He'll smack ya one right across the face.

General considerations for this time-period setting- there are no cell phones, no data-mining of cross-referenced databases, etc. There are no fax machines, no microwave ovens, no anti-lock breaks, and no seat-belt laws! I guess you could consider changing the name of the show from "24" to "168" as it would take at least 7 days for both the good guys and the terrorists to get their act together. And there would be a lot of stops for gas as the cars back then would only go about 50 miles between fill-ups. Still, the idea of Clint, Pacino and Jim Brown crusing around in an El Camino full of machine guns makes me smile (with a kick-ass Lalo Schifrin jazz score playing underneath).

If anyone has ideas of their own, feel free to post them in a comment.

UPDATE: More casting thanks to your comments and my bro:
Phillip Bauer: Christopher Lee
Agent Aaron Pierce: Peter Boyle
Chloe (alternative): Diane Keaton
Bill Buchanan: Gregory Peck
Audrey Raines: Meryl Streep (all that crying!)
Nina Myers: Hanoi Jane Fonda!
James Heller: Carroll O'Connor (Edith, get these terrorists a beeeeer!)
Actors that must be cast at some point in this project: Telly Savalas, Burt Reynolds, James Caan, anyone from Starsky & Hutch.

Queer Eye for the Spy Guy: Milo Pressman

Hey everybody, it's your favorite quintet of gay life coaches, the Fab Five! We're here on a mission of national security to tell you kids at CTU that you got a bad boy in your midst. Usually when someone changes their appearance so dramatically, we've had something to do with it. Well, we became suspicious of one CTU agent in particular when we realized we had nothing to do with his extreme makeover. Some evil force is at work here and we can see it clear as day-- Milo Pressman has gone from looking drab to feelin' fab! He is SO a mole!

First, we've tried to contact CTU but they don't return our calls. We don't understand why the federal government is so reluctant to hear what we have to say. Because we're gay doesn't mean we want to be nuked anymore than you straight people. And last time we checked, CTU was about as good at weeding out moles as they are picking out window treatments. Seeing events unfold so far this year, we are totally convinced that you are missing all the tell-tale warning signs with Milo. To make our case, let's go down memory lane and review the evidence:

Several years ago, Milo was an outsourced techie who came to CTU to help do some very important clickety-clacking on a keyboard in your office. During that time, Milo was rockin' the wrinkled button down shirt left open over a t-shirt underneath. And look at those earrings- it's like he stole them out of his mother's old costume jewelry box (not that we know what that's all about!). Our verdict on old Milo: he was slob-chic when the grunge fad had long since past. We've seen this condition many times before, and it doesn't just go away on its own.

Milo disappeared from our attention for several years since "Day 1," but not before Milo asked out and failed to make snugglies with that cutie Chloe O'Brian. That sort of rejection usually sends a fashion-offender into a deeper rut of flannel shirts and stonewashed jeans. But hello! "Day 6" rolls around and look at the man's new-found pulse for fashion! A tailored suit with a clean-pressed shirt (and no tie, to affirm his hipster status). And honey, you're definitely using a facial scrub and moisturizer-- you're practically glowing! With your government salary, you can't afford that kind of transformation. Somebody got to you, Milo. They're paying you big bucks under the table to make you a top-shelf hunk. You've gone from looking "sorta'rican" to worthy of freakin'!

Now, you've come a long way but you still need a little work-- your attachment to that "soulpatch" is a no-no. And if you're thinking of taking home little Miss Nadia, you are going to have to step-up and make her dinner before the po-po catch onto you. Oh, poor silly Milo, you should have come to us first before taking all that money from those naughty terrorists. We would have helped you! But people, Milo is a definitely a "mole-o" and when CTU comes crashing down, don't say we didn't warn you! Okay, we're off to go on a shopping spree before Rodeo Drive is irradiated.

P.S. Jack, honey, we LOVE your manpurse! Ciao!

Way Off Topic- A Rodeo Monkey

Sometimes, you need to take a break from the world (the real one or "24") and share in the joy that is a rodeo monkey (P.S. keep an ear open for the last thing the anchor says at the end of the clip).

CTU Interrogator Burke = Mariano Rivera

CTU Interrogator Rick Burke gets some love in an excerpt from a "24"-related article in the 2/19/07 issue of The New Yorker magazine:

A character named Burke—a federal employee of the C.T.U. who carries a briefcase filled with elephantine hypodermic needles—has proved indispensable. “He’ll inject chemicals that cause horrible pain that can knock down your defenses—a sort of sodium pentothal plus,” [Executive Producer Howard] Gordon said. “When we’re stuck, we say, ‘Call Burke!’”

Note: Of course, the article is a sober discussion of the use/misuse of torture in "24" and as much as we appreciate "smarty talk," we here at The Jack Sack are devoted to avoiding it at all costs (but feel free to read the article if you're interested). The important part of the article, as far as we're concerned, is that the writers and producers of "24" love our friend Burke. Hopefully, that means we'll be seeing more of the guy in the future.

Take Home Chef: Bauer-ized!

"Take Home Chef" is a half-hour reality cooking show on TLC, starring Curtis Stone. In each episode, Stone introduces himself to a stranger in a grocery store, typically a woman in her 20s or 30s, and Stone offers his services to help cook dinner for her and someone special that night. They drive to the participant's house, cook the meal, and then surprise the participant's partner or guest upon their arrival.

Tonight, Chef Stone picks the wrong girl- Kim Bauer.

CURTIS STONE: Hey, I'm Curtis Stone. I'm dashing out to the market to pick someone up, go back to their place and cook an amazing meal, then surprise someone special... Let's go!

In the market...

STONE: Pardon me, miss, I couldn't help but notice you're shopping for groceries, are you cooking a meal tonight for someone special?

KIM BAUER: Umm, who do you work for?

STONE: Pardon, miss? Oh, the camera crew? Yes, I'm the host of a television show where I meet someone such as yourself in a market and offer to cook a gourmet meal for you and someone special. Are you interested?

KIM: Well, I don't know if that's a good idea. My father is kind of stressed out and I don't think-

STONE: What's your name?

KIM: (nervously pulling hair behind her left ear) Kim. Kim Bauer.

STONE: You're cooking dinner for your father, Kim? (Kim nods) Well, let me help you make the most fantastic meal your father has ever had the pleasure of having. Does your father like to eat?

KIM: Actually, I don't think I've ever seen him finish a whole meal...

STONE: Then we must make a meal he shall never forget! Come, let's go back to your place and start cooking!

Back at Kim's apartment...

STONE: Do you know what time your father is expected to come home?

KIM: He's likely to show up at any second or not at all. Let me call him and make sure he comes at dinnertime. (picks up phone, dials) Yeah, Dad, it's Kim. No, no, everything is all right... no, Daddy, no cougars. Listen, are we still on for dinner tonight? I'm cooking something special for you, so please make sure you get here at 5 sharp, okay? Bye, Dad.

Three hours later...

STONE: Well, here we are, we have the leg of lamb roasting in the oven and the timer is set to go off in a few minutes, and Kim and I are enjoying a bottle of wine-- relaxing is always the hardest part of cooking! So, tell me Kim, what's the special occasion for your father's dinner tonight?

KIM: Well, after thinking he was dead for two years, my father reappeared about 20 months ago only to disappear again after he was abducted by the Chinese government. He just got back from China today. So, basically I haven't had a sit-down meal with my dad for nearly five years.

STONE: Holy sh-

(The phone rings, Kim answers)

KIM: Hey, Dad. (pause) What? No, nobody's here. I swear, I'm here alone, cooking us dinner. No, Daddy, I'm not in a "flank-2" position. (sighs) Dad, can we just have a normal dinner for once? Okay, I'll see you in a bit. (hangs up phone. Looks to Stone) Are you okay?

STONE: Um, perhaps we should wrap this up, ya know, I think maybe we've taken up too much of your time, Kim. (whispers to camera crew) We need to get the Hell out of here!

(A car door closes outside)

KIM: Oh my God, he's here!

STONE: DAMMIT! How did he get here so fast?

KIM: I don't think he ever left for work. Sometimes he says he's at work but he just stakes out my house all day.

STONE: Kim, what's about to go down here?

(The front door to the apartment comes crashing down, rushing in is Jack Bauer)

JACK: DROP THE PAPRIKA! DO IT!!!

(Before Stone can even move, Jack is vaulting through the kitchen and has him pinned on the floor)

JACK: Who do you work for? (Stone is stuttering, unable to speak) I don't have time for this! (puts his pistol to Stone's head) I'm going to ask you one last time... WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!?!

(The oven timer goes "bing!" Jack unloads his clip into the oven)

JACK: What was that?

KIM: Dinner. Leg of lamb, Daddy.

JACK: Leg of lamb? (growls at Stone) You listen to me, the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't feel like carving that thing. You have two minutes to take every single slug out of that lamb, do you copy that? (Stone is weeping, unable to speak) My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I give you my word, no harm will come to you if you get this meal finished in time.

STONE: (sniffles) I- yes, sir, I copy that.

JACK: Good. (looks at the bullet-ridden oven) Let me know if you need a hacksaw.

CTU Interrogator Rick Burke's Online Dating Profile

"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

Name: Rick Burke
Age: 36
Occupation: Interrogator, Counter-Terrorist Unit, Los Angeles
Height: 5'10"
Build: Athletic
Sign: Pisces
Favorite Movie: "What Lies Beneath"
Favorite Song: "Just Gimme Some Truth" by John Lennon

Little About Me: Hey, I'm Rick, but everyone I know calls me "Burke." I'm a fun-loving, laid-back guy who tries to keep his work at the office (man, don't we all?). I fill my free-time with hobbies- I love to cook, I'm an amateur botanist, I play the jazz saxophone, and I have devoted myself to the intravenous use of inhibitory neurotransmitters, truly an overlooked art-form.

About My Ideal Match: I really focus on a girl's eyes. They say that eyes are the window into a person's soul. I know that when I look into a woman's eyes I can see her whole mind at work. I also like a girl with solid body language. I like confident gestures, I feel a lot more comfortable with a girl that doesn't look left or right when talking. Shifty eyes are such a turn-off!

What I've Learned From Past Relationships: I've been burned, you could say. My first girlfriend was the love of my life. We were engaged when I found out she was messing around with my best friend. That's when I started putting up walls inside. I've tried dating since, but I guess it takes time to make things right again, ya know? Right now I operate under the assumption that all women lying, deceitful bloodsuckers. But hey, maybe you can prove me wrong!

My Ideal Date: You can come to my place, like I said, I like to cook. I'll make my specialty: veal scallopini, which I like to serve with steamed asparagus and a light Pino Grigio. Then I'd want for us to have an in-depth conversation; I want to get to know you- your likes, dislikes, plans for the future, and any relevant past acts that might effect any potential relationship between the two of us. If you're really adventurous, you'll consent to my setting you up with my brand-new thermal-imaging camera. I can record the whole conversation and you and I will have that memory to cherish for years to come. But I'm a spontaneous guy, we can employ any number of methods to "stimulate" our conversation, that all depends on how talkative you're feeling at the time. And while we're having our talk (and you'll secured to this really comfy chair I got in the back office), I can also play a little jazz saxophone for you! Man, I love it so much, I can play for hours. So, if this sounds like your ideal date too, email me and we can get together!

The Jack Sack Dictionary: "Hold your mud!"

As Graem Bauer begins to realize his dad is going to kill him, he assures his father that he won't break under interrogation by dropping one of my new all-time favorite lines: "I'll hold my mud, Dad."

With images of adult diapers in my mind, I squirmed in my seat, but it really was a remarkable thing to say in the face of imminent death. Accordingly Graem's parting attempt at being a badass belongs in the "24" quote Hall of Fame.

And for you reference-geeks, click here for the Urban Dictionary definition.

"Goodnight, Sweet Prince" R.I.P. Graem Bauer

The Bluetooth™ eulogizes his friend, Graem Bauer

Graem was a good conspirator, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and conspiring, and as an executive he secured defense contracts with all branches of the nation's military- from the Army to the Navy and... up to... the Coast Guard. He died, like so many young conspirators of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young conspirators like Nina Myers, Marianne Taylor and Walt Cummings. These young conspirators gave their lives. And so would Graem. Graem, who loved defense contracts. And so, Graem "Gray" Bauer, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of a cruise missile warhead, which you sold to the government so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

h/t The Big Lebowski

Dear Chloe: The Advice Column

Welcome to The Jack Sack's newest feature, "Dear Chloe"- where your problems really aren't that important right now, but you'll probably get some nugget of wisdom regardless:




Dear Chloe,

First time, long time. Now, I am a man of action. I'm seeking to take a long-planned "relationship" to the next level but all I seem to do is run into obstacles. I want to make things work, very very badly, in fact. But however much I try, it seems like I'm misfiring, never quite hitting the target dead-on. Take today, I've got a big day planned, something I've been dreaming of doing for years, but I can't seem to find the right triggers to make this plan work. I've been all over town, I've tried all my contacts, but in the end, I worry that I may miss out on what is the best relationship your godless country has ever seen! Pardon me, I meant to say that you all would marvel at how romantic I can be, and it would be a shame to lose a chance like this to prove it to you infidels. I need your help, Chloe! Just tell me how to get through the day.

Thanks,
-Bang, You're Phi-Yed

Dear Phi,

I don't really have time for this. You're obviously trying to do something that the other person in the relationship is not ready for. Have you tried talking first? You can't just trigger a relationship and expect everything to work out with one push of a button. Maybe you should try looking for another companion, you're way too intense to make this thing work. And I think there might be another man in this equation, someone who doesn't want you to "trigger the relationship," someone who is willing to bite your neck and eat your flesh to keep you from being "romantic." Sorry if that wasn't helpful, but thanks for the email, I'm tracing your location as we speak!

Dear Chloe,

I met someone, but I think the girl might be a mole- err have a mole somewhere... on her awesome body. A little about me: recently, I've put together a new look, I've bulked up, I'm reading Men's Journal and picking up style tips, just like you suggested to me in your column a couple of years ago. But it's hard finding a stable, sexy girl nowadays. If they're not crying sexual harassment, they're scheming to take the country down or something. But this new one... man she puts all the others at the office to SHAME! (especially the one that didn't put out on our first date a while back- man is she overrated!). But back to the new girl, she's also a Republican-- do you know how hot that's gonna be? Help me, Chloe, I need to hit that. Bad.

-Soulpatch v. 2.0

Yeah, I know it's you Milo,

OK, when the alert level goes down, and the terrorists have been caught, we can have some chamomile tea and you can tell me all your secrets. Right now, I have to data-mine the NSA database, why don't you go oggle your girlfriend, okay?

"The Jack Sack" Wins The Blog of the Day Award!

"The Jack Sack" proudly accepts the award for Best Blog of the Day from the aptly-named "Blog of the Day Awards!" I have a lot of fun doing the blog, and getting this kind of positive feedback is truly gratifying. Special thanks to everyone at BOTDA, and to everyone that comes and spends a little part of their day here at the 'ol Sack.

THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP!

ANNOUNCER: From the nation's capital, "The McLaughlin Group", an unrehearsed, unscripted and highly-caffeinated program presenting inside opinions and forecasts on major issues of today.




JOHN McLAUGHLIN: ISSHOOO ONE! L.A. goes KABOOM! The last time Los Angeles was this dangerous to visit was when Courtney Love was let out of rehab for the seventeenth time. Of course, nobody could have predicted that we would be sitting here discussing a thermonuclear event. With thousands dead and many sweet ripe oranges destroyed, the question is: Has President Wayne Palmer's goatee diminished his ability to handle this crisis, I ask you PAT BUCHANAN?

PAT BUCHANAN: John, clearly the goatee is not presidential The last U.S. president to have facial hair was Howard Taft, and I tell you now that Taft would be equally impaired in this crisis as a result.

McLAUGHLIN: So, you're saying that Wayne Palmer is weakened by what you believe is an ill-advised attempt at looking "hip?"

BUCHANAN: Yes, John I--

McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL?!

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL: I think that's plain wrong. Wayne Palmer has served as well as anyone given the circumstances. The facial hair has little effect on our national security posture.

McLAUGHLIN: Have you ever tried to grow facial hair?

O'DONNELL: Yes, in college.

McLAUGHLIN: Were you attempting to suggest a quality of virility to a member of the opposite sex?

O'DONNELL: Yes.

McLAUGHLIN: Did your GPA suffer during that time?

O'DONNELL: I don't rememb--

McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!

ELEANOR CLIFT: Are you asking me if I ever tried to grow facial hair?

McLAUGHLIN: The answer to that question is obvious. It's called bleach, try it sometime!

CLIFT: I don't have to sit here and--

McLAUGHLIN: You have and you will take it! The thesis of the question is proven- facial hair starts out being a novelty soon grows into a full-blown hobby and what's worse it becomes an obsession! I once lost a prized Corgi at the county fair because I was too busy preening my 'stache! ISSHOOO TWO! How does this attack affect the commodities market, specifically the trading value of the now-extinct Valencia Orange, I ask you ELEANOR CLIFT!

CLIFT: I don't know, how expensive are they now?

McLAUGHLIN: You don't know? You don't indulge in the precious, sweet gift that is the orange? Eleanor, you dine like a bachelor! PAT BUCHANAN!

BUCHANAN: Oh, I think the market is going to be astronomical, but we have to be steadfast in our refusal to buy foreign oranges.

McLAUGHLIN: LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!

O'DONNELL: I agree that the prices are going to skyrocket, but I think this will renew the push for orange-stem-cell research and the administration is going to have to rethink--

McLAUGHLIN: TONY BLANKLEY!

BLANKLEY: I believe I ate my last orange this morning.

McLAUGHLIN: CORRECT! The orange, a long-beloved staple of a healthy diet, and a rich source of Vitamin C is no more and shall be replaced by the SUPERIOR delight that is the cranberry! NEXT ISSHOOO! On a scale of one to ten, one being a being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 10 being absolute metaphysical certitude, what are the chances that the alien race that abducted me as a youth and implanted this nefarious chip in my brain will come down and stop these attacks, I ask you TONY BLANKLEY!

TONY BLANKLEY: I would have to say a 7.

McLAUGHLIN: A 7, really, that high?

BLANKLEY: I have spoken to their ambassadors on the phone just before we went on the air and they assure me that there will be no further attacks.

McLAUGHLIN: Very doubtful. PAT BUCHANAN!

BUCHANAN: I've been saying for years that we need to close our borders to aliens and nobody has listened to--

McLAUGHLIN: ELEANOR CLIFT!

CLIFT: I don't know, are these aliens going to do anything about health care in this country? Everything I've heard from their end is "business as usual" in Washington. I seriously doubt the aliens have a plan to address the big issues.

McLAUGHLIN: WRONG! The aliens do have a plan and I have seen it! LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!

O'DONNELL: A zero, John. The aliens have a unifying pact called the "Prime Directive" which forbids any interference in our course of history. They will not stop the attacks and their health care plan is not a serious reform package.

McLAUGHLIN: And the answer is: ZERO! BUH-BYE!

CARNVIAL OF BAUER: ATTACK OF THE BAUERS!!

Never have there been so many Bauers in the Power Hour- brother Graem, father Phillip, hottie-in-law Marylin, and maybe Jack's son(?)! It's like an episode of "Jerry Springer" with nukes! Well, without any further delay, here's your take on Day 6, Hour 6 of "The Bauer Bunch!" Special thanks to Blogs4Bauer for letting me host the Carnival.

The greatest base-stealer of our time, Rickey Henderson (no relation to Christopher Henderson, trust me) kicks off the Carnival with a quick left jab and a devastating right hook! Great stuff!

"Sweet" Lou Perseghin's New Word Order breaks down Day 6 with some excellent, and dare I say, thoughtful work!

Anti-Idiotarian discusses the Bauer Family Reunion special that aired on Monday!

T.V. addict Little Miss Chatterbox has a quick recap and some thoughts on Hour 6!

Magic Lamp drinks a bowl of coffee and gives us his funny recap of this week's episode.

Kyle Brandt chews on Day 6, Hour 6 and has lots of great pics to share as well!

Castle Fairchild misses Super Agent Aaron Pierce like mad- so do we all... (sigh).

King Tom's Kingdom (no doubt a neighbor of Castle Fairchild!) makes some very good points about Monday's episode.

Cake or Death comes back to life and can't stop yelling "DON'T GET UP!"

Life With Al's "Random Thoughts" on Day 6 are here and his 21st Century experience of Bauer on an ipod is here.

Hey, Dr. Blogstein, you're damn right IT'S NOT A PURSE!

Help bear some of "Rocinante's Burdens" on your shoulders- he's got a quick commentary on "24's" choice of villains for Day 6.

Jon Swift comments on the passing of a "real-life" Jack Bauer, the mysterious E. Howard Hunt. But if Hunt is anything like Bauer, you know that he probably just faked his death.

Mini Jack Bauer (sounds like a great name for a rooster, don't ya think?) shares his thoughts on "24."

MediaShuffle weighs in on the debate: Does "24" cross the line?

Says Simpleton on "24" v. "That Show on an Island?" Yeah, no contest.

Degree Deodorant has a nifty online feature called CTU: Rookie. They've just released part 2 in their ongoing series.

[UPDATE] Late entry: Dangerous Logic with a hilarious bit that you gotta see.