Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

And that would be me. I'm dying for a vacation from work. How off-balance am I? I've just spent the last 15 minutes reading up on one of the Universe's greatest mysteries in the hopes of figuring out what the heck is wrong with our world. And that mystery is Elmo, the Sesame Street character.

Now, I know there are some of you that like the furry, red crackhead. And you're probably the same person that thinks his incessant high-pitched talking is cute. Yeah. Elmo is to me what Mary Hart was to Kramer on "Seinfeld." I have a furious, uncontrollable dislike of the guy. Anytime I hear Elmo do anything (he mostly laughs like a drunk senior citizen) I want to strangle kittens. Baskets full of kittens.

Well, I have to say that Elmo's "creator," Kevin Clash, has shrewdly established a bullet-proof empire. Elmo appears on talk shows, news programs and he even testified before Congress on funding music-based programs. That's right, a red-haired muppet went to Congress. And he gave sworn testimony. You know, about 50-plus years ago, the House Un-American Activities Committee would have had a field day with Elmo. And J. Edgar Hoover would have a file thicker than the phone book on him too. Imagine the proceedings:

CONGRESSMAN: Elmo, if that's your *real* name-- are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

ELMO: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh BOY! HAHAHAHAHAH! Elmo loves Congress!

CONGRESSMAN: Lock this red bastard up and throw away the key!

And sadly, Elmo was more truthful and respectable than that multiple Cy Young-winning "juicehead" Roger Clemens. Think about that for a second. (pause) My mind cannot wrap itself around this world anymore. Have a good week.

Jon Voight to help resurrect the quality of "24" villains

Good news! Yes, finally some news, DAMMIT! Actor and car-owner Jon Voight will be joining Season 7 of "24" as a badass extraoirdinaire. Hopefully Voight can wash away the stink of James Cromwell's less-than-stellar creepy grandpa villain from last season. Never hire a pig farmer to do a man's job, I say. Next to the producers getting Gene Hackman a part on the show, this is fantastic news.

And here's Mr. Voight giving a little backstory to the classic "Seinfeld" episode about... his car:

The Jack Sack Presents: My Brother!

Well, we're all about family here. And comedy too. Here's my brother dancing 90s style. In the new millenium. He does weddings and bar mitzvahs. Inquire within. When my nephew is old enough to appreciate this (his first birthday is just next month!), he'll thank Uncle Adam for this little gift:

BREAKING NEWS: "24" Fall TV Movie To Take Place in Africa!

Well, the headline kind of says it all, doesn't it?

Just to recap, Season 7 won't start airing until January, 2009. In order to keep us from committing mass acts of violence and self-mutilation, Fox has wisely decided to throw us a slab of raw meat in the form of a 2-hour television movie, set to air sometime this Fall. And said movie will have Jack Bauer yelling "Dammit!" to a whole new continent of people, this one being Africa. Remember, the original concept for Season 7 was to have Bauer go to Africa, something the studio shot down when it became logistically impossible given the show's real-time format.

On a personal note: I'm losing my ability to get excited for this show at the moment. I know when clips start airing and previews are put on the web that all will be good again. But talking about these things so far in advance is... well, I hate to say it, but part of me doesn't believe this will all happen. We had a series of things come up to stop Season 7 already. And maybe I'm being a little paranoid, but who's to say that nothing else won't go wrong? Something strange is hanging over this show at the moment. Until I see all of these things actually happen, I'm going to remain skeptical.

The Mustache

"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar” -English Proverb.

What do you do when there's no "24" to watch? Join a community volunteer group? Reconnect with old friends? Write the great American novel? No, no, no-- that's all way too ambitious. The answer to this question is quite simple: you grow a mustache.

My office is a place where college never seemed to end for a lot of people. I've been out of undergrad since well... since Bill Clinton was president. But being in marketing and advertising makes for a very playful and downright unprofessional work environment. So, a handful of us were lamenting a couple of weeks ago about the death of the mustache-- a once proud style of the accomplished man. One person asked "Who was the last sitting president to wear a mustache?" The answer: William Howard Taft, who incidentally was our last portly commander-in-chief too. That's right, in nearly 100 years the mustache has been in exile from The White House. But the mustache's decline is further widespread. '70s porn stars apparently ruined it for the rest of us.

So, a bunch of us here at work decided to make an effort to revive the faded 'stache. We are engaging in a mustache-growing contest. This thing started 2 weeks ago and the judging (which will be voted on by all the females in the office) will take place on May 2nd. Yours truly is growing a beard in the meantime and will shave down to the mustache for one day only. Am I a coward for doing it that way? Yes. But maybe after May 2nd, I'll realize the error of my ways and keep it the sucker for good. Hmmm....

Here's where I am as of now:

On Politics

I don't know if any of you have been watching the HBO mini-series on John Adams, but what started out as a slow burn for me became a very intense viewing experience with the past couple of episodes. And John Adams, while a pivotal and vital member of our Founding Fathers, is a person worthy of discussion in examining our nation's history, I find my mind focusing on George Washington instead.

Washington, our nation's first president, is a man who I think goes greatly unknown for many people nowadays. Yes, we know the legend of the man; his cherry tree antics and his wooden teeth (which weren't really wooden). But his presidency is seemingly lost in the fabric of political history. He is our only president who didn't belong to a political party. And true to his lack of a political affiliation, the man was actually quite opposed to the (even then) nastiness of the two-party system.

The biggest challenge facing the United States during President Washington's time in office was to keep the states united. This country was not only brand new, but it was fragile in many ways. The historic separation of the colonies was an institutional problem for those trying to establish (and legitimize) a national government. And if you think people were opposed to government intrusion today, try asking your average "American" what he or she felt of a federal government in the 1790s. It is nothing short of a miracle that the Constitution was ratified.

But Washington was the face and name to that national unity. Because he didn't ascribe to a specific set of party beliefs, he was able to bring all parties to the table. And he ran a unity government, including vehement opponents within his own cabinet. Alexander Hamilton, who was by all accounts an asshole, was hell-bent on forcing federal strength on the states. And Thomas Jefferson, a hypocritical back-stabber, was selfishly pushing French politics and Southern States matters. And Washington sat at the center, guiding both sides to compromise. This man was the epitome of a leader. And what's even better than his ability to engage those who were so passionate and unwavering, was the fact that Washington knew what his reputation and standing meant to the country. He was a substantial force, he was his own institution, begging the nation to be thoughtful in its passions. And his power, significant and unmatched by others, was something he used without selfishness or personal gain.

This is not to say that Washington was a pure soul. He, like any other politician, cared a great deal about how others viewed him. When he signed the Jay Treaty, which effectively put America on the side of the English in their fight with the French, Washington lost a lot of his Teflon coating. Jefferson, who was far too deeply enthralled by the French Revolution to be rational at the time, turned on Washington in the most unfair of ways-- by feeding stories to the press that the President was feeble-minded and not in control of his government. Washington was greatly hurt by the betrayal, and obsessed over it until his final days in office. But the example of how Washington's political fortunes soured a bit, shows exactly what has always been a part of our nation's political history.

Politics is not a process that always produces the right results or judgments. Politics is the art of the possible, which is often achieved through the techniques of distortion and hyperbole. If you feel frustrated by the current political climate (and the never-ending campaign cycle) I say to you "Look to President Washington." He called party rivalry excessive and in danger of becoming "a fire not to be quenched." Yes, he understood that people would have differing opinions on issues, but he sought to avoid the party platform mentality, where you were either one thing or another. Let each issue be decided on its own merits. Imagine that? An ad hoc treatment of the issues themselves, free from party posturing.

Now, I contrast Washington's example (played to perfection by David Morse in the "John Adams" mini-series) with the character of Jack Stanton in "Primary Colors" (the 1997 movie not-so-loosely based on Bill Clinton's first run for the presidency). Both were on TV today. Both shook my brain by their stark differences. 200-plus years later, I think we need to give President Washington some more thought. Unity is not a dead idea.

BREAKING NEWS: 24 SEASON 7 TO PREMIERE SOON!

Breaking News! EXCELLENT NEWS! Unconfirmed reports state that the long-delayed Season 7 of "24" is being rushed to premiere sooner than the previously-scheduled January 2009 window. The new premiere will be in Sepember 2008! This is a surprise, for sure, but a welcome one. At this point, I don't care if they give Jack an orangutan sidekick and a plucky new boss with has a silly catchphrase (Oh, Jack, NO YOU DIDN'T!"). All I want is "24" to come back. And maybe a new car.


So, if we do the math, today is April 1st, which would put new episodes of 24 are only five months away! Stay tuned for more news on Season 7.

And we're back!

Okay, so the DSL outage thing didn't last all of this time, but it did happen along with my being very busy at work (we're talking staying till 1AM a few nights to beat deadlines). Thank you for your patience, and for not burning down my house (Amy).

So, there's nothing new for me to make fun of in 24-land But I have a clip that some seriously unhealthy minds put together spoofing those dreadful Jedi Council scenes from Star Wars Episode I. Just a note, the Yoda stuff seems ridiculously stupid at first, but like an Austin Powers movie, it grows on you as the joke continues. And then, if you're like me, you'll laugh so hard you'll almost choke several times. Seriously, it took me a good ten minutes to finish this 4 minute clip (which is borderline NSFW, by the way). Please, enjoy:

Terrorists Blew Up My DSL Connection

Verizon DSL is offline. I'm writing from a secure location. New Jack Sack is coming once the Verizon people fix the network outage. Stay tuned!

24 Season 7 News: Nothing's New!

Production for Season 7 of "24" will begin again next month. Hopefully by that time we will get some news on the show. Several days ago we learned that Fox was going to throw us a rather substantial Bauer bone (yeah, bad metaphor) in the form of a 2-hour television movie.

But was that news premature? The folks at the 24 "HQ" blog state that the Hollywood Reporter ran the story before a final deal was done. I'm unclear as to their sources, but if they have inside intel on this, they're not elaborating.

I'm not particularly worried about the movie not happening because there was no denial from FOX or the production team regarding the story. Again, like the headline states: nothing is new!

I'l be putting together something a little more creative hopefully tonight.

Eliot Spitzer: Reaction from The Republic of Uzbekistan!

Hello Whore-mongering Friends!

We joke, of course. We are The Republic of Uzbekistan, we always ready for quick funny!

So, I check my internets to see if I catch any new responses to my Match.com profile when I see news report that your Emperor of Newest York has problem getting free sex from his wife. This remind me of your Clinty-President from years ago. And of your Senator who tap dance in toilet seat for male-hugging. I think American wives no like to give you happy!

Boy, I tell you, I have seven wives and is that the truth! But that's why I go and find new wife. Otherwise, I have to go to whore store like your Emperor Spitzy. Pay for bed-time with woman? What's next, pay for used Soviet landmine? Like by cousin Hamza say, Americans can squeeze a ruble out of a Yak's toenail. But we love you! Oh God, please send us some shoes!

When I was out on pidgeon hunt earlier, I think about this problem with American wife. I ask myself "Could I ever pay five thousand American dollars for pleasureness?" And then I realize that same money could pay for new hospital in my coun-try. Or ten previously-owned certified tanks! I take the tanks, of course. What good is hospitals here in Uzbekistan? We can't kill rebels with hospital!

We think you confused about love in America. We see movie "The Break Up" with Vincy Vawn and Skinny Aniston and we wonder why you have big fight about lemons and pool tables. You have so much in stomaches. But you not happy with lemons! You want more! Always with the more! I know, we the same way-- last week I ate a baby vole I find in trash by my house. This was great! I said "I want another vole!" Then I realize I sound like lady on Oprah show, asking for a liposucky. Sure! Oh, Oprah, I eat too much, now I need you to take it out of my hiney! Ah, Americans, so funny!

We think Oprah is the problem. She rule your country and you not see it! Maybe you send Oprah here so we can eat her? Please?

Jack Bauer Interrogating The Dude From "The Big Lebowski"

Yes, I'm having more fun with iMovie! Anyway, the title says it all. Enjoy:



Nice marmot, indeed.

Which 24 Character Are You?

It's a rainy Saturday and I had some time to kill:

Which 24 Character Are You?

More on 24. Created by BuddyTV

Yep. I'm Michelle Dessler. Now, excuse me while I go check myself out in the mirror...

Overheard in CTU

Riffing on the ever-popular site "Overheard in New York," here are a few snippets of things overheard within the confines of CTU Los Angeles:

Security Guy #1: Do you think we have any control over this situation?
Security Guy #2: I don't think you should be existential today.
Security Guy #1: Maybe if we didn't wear red shirts, things would be better.
Security Guy #2: Or maybe we should actually plug in that metal detector, eh?

.....


Guy in Caf: What time did Bauer get to the office today?
Girl in Caf: About 4AM, I think. Why?
Guy in Caf: (looks at watch) Okay, that was about 18 hrs ago. I'm going out. Be back in about 6 hours.
Girl in Caf: What are you-
Guy in Caf: See ya! (leaves)

.....

Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: I can't tell if I want to hit that or not.
Guy #2 near Chloe's desk: Dude! I totally know what you're talking about!
Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: I mean, her face is...
Guy #2 near Chloe's desk: Beautiful, I know!
Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: Wha?

.....

Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Man, it's like they practically want us to come in underground.
Terrorist #2 underneath CTU: Look, there's a bunch of guns here from the last guys who came through!
Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Wait a sec. That means they didn't make it out!
Terrorist #2 underneath CTU: Duh, we're terrorists, not bank robbers!
Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Oh yeah.

.....

Helicopter pilot: Hey, Jack- you don't have anymore hidden relatives left, do you?
Jack Bauer: Why do you ask?
Helicopter pilot: Oh, I'm just trying to figure my odds of survival at the moment.
Jack Bauer: Don't worry-- you're in a helicopter. We don't have the budget to blow this thing up.
Helicopter pilot: Phew.

BREAKING NEWS: "24" To Return Before Season 7 Starts!!!

Oh happy day! The Hollywood Reporter reports that "24" will return this Fall with a 2-hour tv-movie serving as a prequel to Season 7. This is a brilliant and necessary idea. Even though I would have liked an earlier return for Season 7, I'll take this Season 6.5! Thank you, very much!

But the term "tv-movie" conjures up images of Lifetime Television. Is Jack Bauer in a unloving marriage with a man who may have a secret life? Or is Jack working out his image issues from when he was a teenager? Does Jack have an eating disorder? We all know that he never eats, but why? Because he can't eat and wear pants at the same time?

In fact, a quick Google-tron search brought up a "Lifetime Movie Title Generator." Punching in all the relevant data into this site, the title for 24 Season 6.5 should be "My Eating Disorder Came First: The Life of Jack Bauer." Oh man, this could be good!

Meme Scheme Strikes Back: Attack of the Movie Quotes!

Okay, so Mr. Furious has tagged me again(!) with another meme. This one goes to a place that I truly love-- movie quotes. The rules are as follows:

"Look up 15 of your favorite films on IMDb and take a quote from each. List them below. When someone guesses the quote correctly, cross it off the list. Leave a comment with your answers. And NO CHEATING (Googling)."

Oh, and most of these quotes have profanity. Enjoy!:

1) Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill. (Amy V!)
2) There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
3) I distrust a man who says "when." If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. (Pretty Rickey)
4) All right, Popeye's here! get your hands on your heads, get off the bar, and get on the wall! (Mr. Furious!)
5) Frank, let's face it, who can trust a cop that won't take money? (Mr. F!)
6) My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.
7) Your country ain't your blood. Remember that. (Haley!)
8) You killed my father, your ass is mine!
9) The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.
10) You ain't got a license to kill bookies and today I ain't sellin'. So take your flunky and dangle. (Rickey Henderson!)
11) Look out. Muppets. (2266!)
12) I shoulda been a farmer. (Haley)
13) That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave. (Mr. F again!)
14) I'm talking to all those villains in Missouri. And all those villains down there in Cheyenne. And what I'm saying is there ain't no whore's gold. (Mr. Furious, dude you watch a lot of movies)
15) Are you trying to develop a sense of humor or am I going deaf? (Rickey Henderson again!)

Chuck Norris Responds To Jack Bauer's Ad!

Okay, so I'm getting a little carried away with the iMovie thing. But indulge me one more time with this Hillary Clinton ad business. In our previous post, Jack Bauer made his case for being President. Now, Chuck Norris does the same. Enjoy (and please note my evolving skill with this program!).

Jack Bauer Political Ad

If you're not into the whole politics thing, here's a little update: there's a race going on for president this year. And it's a close one too. To help make her case for being the "experienced" candidate, Hillary Clinton has gone and made a "red phone" political ad. But really, if this is how we are supposed to choose our presidents, shouldn't the most qualified person be making that case? Sen. Obama? Sen. McCain? No, you know who...

Now that I know how to use iMovie, this place just got a lot more dangerous!

What Price For Glory? A Man Versus The Baconator! [UPDATED]

Okay, so I work in marketing and advertising. I get a kick out of the environment, the people and the fact that I am almost required to wear jeans to work, etc. So, yesterday one guy got into a heated debate with another guy and out of their exchange came a challenge: Who can eat four (4) Baconator™ sandwiches from Wendy's? Oh, you're not familiar with The Baconator, you say? Well, Wikipedia tells us that The Baconator consists of two 4oz. beef patties, two slices of American cheese, six strips of bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup on a premium bun. What it doesn't tell us is that The Baconator is a gateway to coronary distress. The fact that the FDA, USDA, CIA and other relevant government agencies have not intervened to keep this thing off the market is a bit worrisome. The Baconator's complete stats are below:


Again, the challenge is to eat 4 Baconator sandwiches within 15 minutes and no water allowed. If anyone manages this feat, they get $100 (USD). And a t-shirt featuring the Baconator. The showdown happens this afternoon. I will absolutely update you on the events afterwards.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, no one came close to the final prize. Brian reached 2.5 Baconators and Tom finished 3 within the 15 minute time limit. The guy in our office who put up the money gave them each an extra five minutes and Brian caught up to a third Baconator, but he was sweating profusely... I was worried for them both. But, the sponsor was a true gentlemen, and he paid BOTH participants for their efforts regardless. That's a class move! I will post pictures and video when they become available. Literally my whole company came to see this spectacle.

Kids Try To Be Like Bauer, Fail.

Does "24" need to come with the disclaimer: "Kids, don't try this at home" ?

A college student, driving drunk, repeatedly slammed his car into another vehicle, claiming that the man was a terrorist. The kid, Edgar Sullivan, also identified himself to the police as "Jack Bowers, a FBI agent and a Secret Service agent." And Sullivan got away with the whole deal when his victim failed to appear in court. Amazing.

Who can top that, right? Well, how about an exchange student studying in Egypt who apparently doesn't know how to feed himself? We all know Bauer can't eat and fight terror at the same time. But when Jonathan McCullum was hosted by a Coptic Christian family that didn't eat for several months (a part of their ritualistic lifestyle, apparently), McCullum was too dumb to recognize that he was in the process of losing nearly 60 lbs. "The weight loss concerned me, but I wanted to stick out the whole year," he said in an interview. Such staggering stupidity!

So, please, please, please, if you're thinking of doing as Jack Bauer does, don't! You're not made of the same stuff. Don't try to stop terrorists and please, don't skip meals. Okay?

Apocalyptic Picture of the Week!

Rough day at work? Feeling kind of down? Well, we can help that with a picture of something far more terrible and horrifying that what you've got caught in your gears!


Yep, that's a nuclear detonation with a blimp in the foreground. The US Department of Energy ran some nuke tests back in 1957. The tests were run to see how airships reacted in a nuclear blast. Think about that for a sec-- our government was curious to know what happens to an aircraft in the blast zone of a nuclear explosion. What you can't see in the picture is that they military also wanted to see what would happen to a box of kittens as well... oh, never mind. Anyway, the test, codenamed "Stokes," was part of "Operation Plumbbob," a series of 29 above-ground detonations carried out at the Nevada Test Site between May and October 1957.

I, for one, and thankful for their efforts. I just put my good-for-nothing, non-nuke-proof blimp on sale this morning. Yet again, government spending has gone somewhere useful!

BREAKING NEWS: Jon Stewart Is Overrated!

Greetings one and all to The Jack Sack Post-Oscar Post (ehh, too many posts in that sentence?)

Anyway, I won't bore you all with the usual comments about the winners, losers, dresses or musical numbers. Why, you ask? Because you're here at THE JACK SACK! We deal in blood, anger and sarcasm. So, with that being said, let me unleash upon you my manifesto of why Jon Stewart is overrated as a comic/entertainer/intellect.

I don't know when the heck this took place, but at some point over the past several years, women of a undefineable demographic all went collectively insane and started to think that the mediocre comic talent that is Jon Stewart was some sort of genius. And I do point out women in this rant because it is you, you lovely, fascinating and otherwise brilliant creatures that brought this scourge of Jon Stewart upon our world. He is not a complete bum, I'll grant you that, but I can honestly say that the guy is not as smart, handsome and ideal a father to your children as you probably think.

Jon Stewart squeezes a laugh out of you and you probably don't even know it. Think about it-- ever notice how he does the googley-eyes to the camera to ellicit laughter? Or how about when Stewart throws in a cutesy high-pitched voice to ressurect a joke after it bombs? And have you noticed how he resorts to self-deprecating remarks continuously throughout his routine? This is the comic equivalent of urinating on yourself so you don't get booed. Do you think Don Rickles would ever act like this? And so many of you fall for it! I'm waiting for Stewart to come out in a Hugo Chavez red shirt and declare his own nation-state in his studio one of these days. I wouldn't doubt a lot of you women would rush to be a willing subject in his court. Oh, don't roll your eyes at me-- you're thinking about it!

And that brings me to last night's Oscars. Jon Stewart was the host of the ceremony and I have to admit he really sucked more than usual in my opinion. His joke about Dennis Hopper being on drugs was stale. His joke about Jack Nicholson possibly impregnating actresses during the show was also blunt and uninspired. And his political humor was amateurish, which is really a sign of his weakness last night because that is his usual bread-and-butter material. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Stewart sucked.

See, my theory on Stewart's popularity (aside from his aforementioned mojo with the females) is that he followed in the footsteps of the most assinine personality imagineable: Craig Kilborn. Now, I appreciate this guy because he was an unapologetic frat-boy. He was a complete and total jerk and he went into realms of absurdity that were truly funny. Is Kilborn funnier than Stewart (independent of their respective writing staffs)? Probably not. But Kilborn never kissed your toes to make you laugh. No, he went up there and if he bombed, he took it like a man. Stewart, you are no man.

Jack Bauer Has Hobbies!

We may not have fresh episodes of "24" coming anytime soon, but Jack Bauer is managing to keep busy with a few pet projects. In case you missed it, here are some Bauer highlights from this week:

1. Jack Bauer Decides Fidel Castro Is Done. Why did the Bay of Pigs invasion fail? Because Jack Bauer was split genetically between his father's seed and his mother's egg at the time (Bauer was born in 1966 according to his Apostles). Ridding the world of Castro's rule has always been on Jack's list of things to do, but a few things popped up along the way (the terrorists, the dead wife, more terrorists, some nukes, some nerve gas, a treacherous President, some dead Presidents, etc). Anyway, the show's hiatus let Bauer do a little Spring cleaning down in the "Holiday Isle of the Tropics." Details are sketchy, but we all know the results-- Castro has been retired. ¡Viva Jack Bauer!

2. Jack Bauer Destroys Mysterious Spy Satellite Carrying The Plague Of The Apocalypse. In case you're still hiding under your desk, we've got good news to report-- Jack Bauer has destroyed the spy satellite that was set to crash into your home in a few days. Bauer heard of the U.S. Navy's plan to send a computer-guided rocket to take out the errant satellite and insisted on doing his part. He personally guided the missile to its intended target in outer space. The Defense Department released an official photo of the mission. Thanks to Jack Bauer, we have been spared exposure to the so-called "toxic fuel" that was set to rain on us all.

3. Jack Bauer Is Annoyed By The Moon. So, while on his way into orbit to destroy the satellite, Bauer realized he forgot his signature aviator sunglasses. DAMMIT! Annoyed by the bitchin' glare he was catching off of the Moon, Jack decided to move the damned thing... behind the Earth.. out of the sunlight. If you doubt me, check your timelines. The "eclipse" happened at 10:30PM EST. The satellite was destroyed when? Shortly after 10:30PM EST. Don't worry, he put the Moon back where he found it after he was done. After all, the man does like to surf.

Unfotunately, he still has no control over Kim. Stay tuned for more updates on Jack Bauer's new hobbies.

h/t to Haley for instrumental involvement in this article.

Uzbekistan LOVES America! Still!

Greetings America!

We are your friends, we hope you never forget this. We are fierce warriors too! As boys, we are led to large open spaces where we match strength with Yeti cubs. It is, how you say, elementary school game in Uzbekistan! Then yesterday we receive short-wave transmission that Agent Jack Bower will not be back to defend your country until January, 2009! This is serious problem! If you need help, send the word. We have free time now! Rebels are less of problem this year-- we took away their rocks and gasoline. Now, they hide in trees and are being eaten by our native blood monkeys. Oh, what a glorious sight!

We also worry that King Bush is going to be overthrown! How can this be possible? Bush is a cunning war-monger. Very intelligent. One of my wives show me our latest Time magazine confirming this! It is dated October, 2001. Now a woman, and old man and some skinny guy named "CHANGE" want to make new nest of love in your Whitest House! I think Bush will defeat them. He drives large truck with no seatbelt. He defies even your smallest laws!

The other day, my cousin Hamza shows me booty-copy of news footage showing monster attacking your Newest York City. I am confused by this. I thought America defeated Rosanne Barr years ago! I offer you twenty strong men no older than 9 years old to help you defeat this beast. Consider them a gift. But if any of them survive your Cloverfeeldy, send them back to us so that they can finish their quality education here in Uzbekistan. We have our own "Leave No Child Behind" education law too!

If rebels reconstitute, we also ask for your help. Maybe you give us some shoes or something? We love America! Call us!

"24" Season 7 News Roundup [UPDATED]

Editor's Note: Current 24 News and Reviews can be found here.

I know we are 11 months away from the broadcast of Season 7 of "24" but now is as good a time as any to present all of the information available about the show (BEWARE SPOILERS):

1) C.T.U. is gone. Season 7 takes place several months after the end of Day 6, and it is at this point that we learn the Counter Terrorism Unit no longer exists. Clearly, we've seen the seeds of this over the course of Days 5 and 6, but now they finally pulled the federal plug on this agency. How did this happen? Those specifics are not clear, but I would imagine both the President and Congress mutually agreed to disband C.T.U. once and for all. Congress holds the purse-strings and the President has executive authority over the agency. This leads to point 2...

2) Jack Bauer is the face of the disgraced C.T.U. As Day 7 starts, Jack Bauer testifies to his activities before a Senate Committee (namely torture). Imagine turning on CNN and seeing Bauer talk about his methods of extracting information from a terrorist. It is likely that Bauer is a national sensation (both reviled and revered). Now, at the start of Season 7, the word is that Bauer no longer works for the government. He is doing something in the private sector and God help us if that has anything to do with being a soup guy ("No soup for terrorists! Three months! Dammit!").

3) Madame President Allison Taylor. Okay, so most of you probably know that "24" has a female president. What you may not know is that already into her young administration, she has suffered a personal loss-- the death of the First Son, Roger Taylor. The investigation deemed Roger's death a suicide, but the First Gentleman, Henry Taylor, believes he was murdered. So, while Allison Taylor is trying to run the country, First Hubby Henry is investigating the death of their son, leading him to his son's former girlfriend Samantha. Wanna bet this has something to do with the larger plot?

4) Tony Almeida is a bad guy. Yes, yes, I've been telling you guys for YEARS that Almeida didn't die back at C.T.U. on that dark, dark day. And the trailer for the upcoming season reveals that I was right. So, what's the deal with Tony? I don't think its going to be that earth-shattering. Almeida was always a rogue in spirit, he was prone to his fits of depression and anger. So, after losing his wife to the Bluetooth gang back in Day 5, Almeida finally lost his freakin' mind once and for all. What does a guy who is, among other things a computer security genius, do with his spare time? Oh, maybe hack the nation's infrastructure network perhaps? In a plotline that closely mirrors the latest "Die Hard" movie, the start of Season 7 involves Tony hacking into the air traffic, powergrid and telecommunications networks. Listen, we all love Tony, but from what I've read, do not expect to have our buddy back. This guy is different-- insane perhaps-- and he seeks to kill people.

5) "X-Files" meets "24." No, there isn't a supernatural plotline to this show, but we are going to be swimming in F.B.I. Special Agents in the new season. Coming out of the Washington, D.C. Office, here's the roll-call: Special Agent Renee Walker (see right), Special Agent Janis Gold (Janeane Garofalo), Special Agent Larry Moss, Special Agent Sean Hillinger, and security expert Michael Latham, who is probably going to be the good guy techie fighting Almeida's hacks at every turn, with Chloe's helpful scowling. It looks like most of the F.B.I. agents distrust Jack Bauer. Big surprise. But, Special Agent Walker looks to be an interesting character. She will be critical of Bauer's methods at first, but she will weigh those moral concerns against what she sees as an overwhelming enemy. See, "24" can discuss torture and the like without sacrificing entertainment value. Just throw a redheaded federal agent (umm Scully?) in there! Oh yeah, don't be surprised if there's a mole in the F.B.I. either. I mean, this is "24."

6) Old friends and familiar faces. In addition to Tony Almeida returning, Chloe O'Brian is back. Also, we will see Bill Buchanan (yay!), Agent Aaron Pierce (whoop!) and... Morris O'Brian (blech). I'm still holding out hope for Former Secretary of Defense James Heller to make a real return (last season's appearance was all too brief). And what about The Jack Sack, eh?

And to torture you diehards a little extra, here's the previously released trailer to Season 7. I just watched it again, and I'm freakin' dying here. PLEASE BRING BACK MY SHOW! Enjoy.

Jack Bauer's Top 5 Favorite U.S. Presidents

Jack Bauer doesn't have time to read books. Instead, he gets Wikipedia articles sent to his PDA regularly by Chloe O'Brian. Mixed in with articles about concussion grenades and high-frequency pulse signals causing neurological trauma, Jack likes to refresh his recollection of American history by reading articles on former U.S. presidents. And in honor of President's Day, we offer you Jack Bauer's top 5 All-Time U.S. Presidents:

5. James Monroe (1817-1825): Consider James Monroe the guy to end the Revolutionary War for real. Towards the tail-end of his presidency, Monroe threw down the biggest idea of his time by declaring that Europe (ahem- England) had to stay the heck out of the Western Hemisphere (this being the conveniently-named "Monroe Doctrine"). With colonialism ended in the Americas, two things happened: 1) America finally got rid of the British and 2) The Old World Empires saw the beginning of their decline. Without a doubt, this was the most far-reaching moment in U.S. history since the Founding Fathers declared our Independence. Jack Bauer salutes President Monroe for saying "Dammit!" to the rest of the world.

4. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837): Aside from being a trigger-happy widower, President Jackson also shares something else with Jack Bauer-- he almost got killed several dozen times, most of which was through dueling. Apparently, if you bet on the ponies with "Old Hickory" and lost, he'd take you out back for a little "debt-settlement." And please, don't say anything bad about his wife. Jackson never lost a duel, but he carried around a few slugs in his body from his antics. Clearly, Jackson was our angriest president. But don't accuse the man of being completely humorless. When running for president, critics called him a "Jackass" outright. He liked the nickname and used the donkey as the icon of his campaign. And that image lives today as the symbol of the Democratic Party.

3. Harry Truman (1945-1953): Truman drank a bourbon every morning, wore Hawaiian shirts while vacationing in Florida, liked to bowl and play cards, and he would kick your ass if you said anything to hurt his daughter. Okay, so he and Jack Bauer didn't share a lot of hobbies, but they are both protective fathers, right? Well, the important thing to Bauer is that Truman signed into law the creation of the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Council. Truman basically helped pave the way for Jack's professional career. That's right, there would be no federal agent Jack Bauer without Harry Truman. 'Nuff said.

2. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909): Historian, NYC Police Commissioner, Rough Rider, big-game hunter, Governor, Vice-President and President-- this guy knew how to maximize a 24-hour period! T.R. was strong, smart and stubborn. "Speak softly and carry a big stick" was his motto, and that is something Bauer lives by, literally. And the guy boxed for fun. While he was President, T.R. liked punching things, and he didn't mind taking a few shots himself. And it is also alleged that Roosevelt could communicate with animals, particularly bears (see photo). Crazy bastard. Oh, and he also was the one to put Abraham Lincoln on the penny. Speaking of...

1. Abraham Lincoln (1861–1865): We'd all be watching "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns on every single channel if it weren't for Honest Abe. And you have to love the idea of a 6 foot 4 inches-tall guy wearing a top-hat. Yikes. But seriously, the guy understood Liberty's value (that's right, with a capital "L") more than any other person in the White House. And he also saw that a divided America would be our undoing. Sure, he's everybody's favorite president (North of the Mason-Dixon, at least) but Jack Bauer is no fool! What, you thought he'd pick David Palmer as his favorite president? Dude, it's just a t.v. show...

Happy President's Day!

123 Book Meme

Ah, yes. Blogging is fast-becoming a playground atmosphere. And if you ever played "tag" as a kid, then you know that once you're "it" you have to take action. Mr. Furious snared me into his latest meme scheme that goes as follows:

Instructions:

1. Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I'm gonna do the first four steps now and save the fifth for a moment of my choosing (I play tag the way a Russian spies on America)!

The book is Richard Russo's "Bridge of Sighs"-- a gift from Rickey Henderson. And here's the text:

"When my mother and I passed Newberry's, she'd wrinkle her nose and say, "Lord, that smell." Little did she know how I yearned for the day I'd be old enough to go inside on my own and spend hours investigating its dark, delicious mysteries. Even then I seemed to know that all this would begin to happen in junior high."

The Jack Sack Studies Language: The C-Word!

Let's get a few things straight-- I don't use profanity here on The Jack Sack. Why? Because I think in terms of written humor, it can be a cop-out. There have been times that I've written something and thought "Man, an f-bomb would fit perfectly here." But it's at that point that I realize that I'm probably making a very mediocre joke. So, I'll delete the whole thing sentence and start over.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm a prude or a wholesome guy. I think using curse-words in conversation is a lot more fun and funny. Especially when they show up unexpected. On network television. On a morning show. Oh yes.

Jane Fonda dropped the "c-word" yesterday on NBC's brain-sucking "Today Show," watch and enjoy (obviously don't watch if you're offended by the word):



Am I the only one that finds the apology at the end of the clip funnier than the actual curse-word? Host Meredith Vieira says "In our last half hour, we were talking about 'The Vagina Monologues' and Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don't say on television." Now, I'm sorry but that quote kills me on several levels. 1) Vieira says "vagina" which makes me giggle (and admit it, you giggle too). 2) I picture someone just tuning in 30 minutes later and seeing this apology and going to YouTube to see what he missed, thus calling extra attention to the incident. 3) Vieira apologizes on behalf of Jane Fonda? Now that is funny.

Now, if you really want to know the origins and meanings of the "c-word," hop a click right here and enjoy a Wikipedia article on the subject.

UPDATE: A year ago, I did post an entry with a decent amount of profanity, it was called "The Bauer Situation" and it featured a salty-tongued Pulp Fiction character. You can't spoof Tarantino without cursing. Sorry, if I was a hypocrite earlier.

Joel Surnow leaves "24"

Co-creator and Executive Producer Joel Surnow is no longer working on "24" according to the Hollywood Reporter. Longtime showrunner Howard Gordon will remain.

All I can say is thank you to Joel Surnow. You've introduced hacksaws, bleeping clocks and manpurses into my life. Good job, man.

January 2009

In January, 2009 we will get fresh episodes of "24" according to our friends at Remote Access.

That's 11 months from now, folks. That's a whole new tax year. That's going to be AFTER the presidential election. Aside from having a new president sworn in, what other crazy things can we expect to see in that span of time?

CURRENT EVENTS PREDICTIONS:

1. Bill Belichick will be banned from coaching football when he is found to be guilty of videotaping his Super Bowl opponents over the course of the Patriots "dynasty" run.

2. Bill O'Reilly will be found in a lascivious videotape starring him, a goat and Dick Morris.

3. Bill Clinton will finally divorce Hillary (or the other way around)! (Okay, no more Bill references-- I promise).

4. Someone, somewhere, for some odd reason, will attempt to clone Bob Newhart. It will work. And we will all suffer God's wrath as a result.

5. The mystery of the missing honey bees will be solved-- Oprah Winfrey stole them all for her own sinister purposes (read "mind control" here).

6. Oil companies will buy banks troubled by the mortgage crises, and there will be nifty cross-promotions offered where you can direct-deposit your paychecks to your local gas station. A major player will be the newly formed "Exxon Trust." Cynics such as myself will laugh and cry simultaneously.

7. Andy Kaufman will come back. I will tell everyone "I told ya so" for about a month straight.

8. Betty White will curse on camera. Someone who is new to this sort of thing will laugh hysterically.

9. Oscar prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis will win Best Actor, or else... (fill in the name of his current movie here for the rest of the sentence!).

10. Global-freezing will become a problem. You think I'm kidding? You'll see!

ADAM'S PERSONAL LIFE PREDICTIONS:

1. I will boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics because the Chinese Government tortured our friend and savior, Jack Bauer.

2. I will briefly reconsider my boycott when considering the fact that the Chinese also messed with Audrey Raines, who seriously had it coming.

3. I will finally track down a butcher who will provide me with the elusive tri-tip cut of beef, which I have been quietly craving for several years.

4. I will incorporate insoluble and soluble fiber into my diet. My colon will cheer in the way only a colon can make noise!

5. I will make something levitate by using my mind. No one will see this but me. I will be forever tormented by this transcendental moment. An overdose of fiber will be blamed on my hallucination.

6. I will do the dance of death with a sea crab while at the beach. My flip-flop will be the harbinger of death for the innocent, yet disgusting crustacean. My Rabbi will tell me I did not sin as long as I didn't eat the crab after the fact.

7. I will perfect my impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. I will call in on a sports radio talk show and explain that I (McConaughey) couldn't play professional sports because my arms are too short.

8. I will deliver a baby of some sort.

9. I will still know how to ride a bike (in theory)!

10. My months of going cold-turkey without Bauer will push me over the edge and I will start buying terrible DVDs, mostly starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. Upon my seventeenth viewing of "Boat Trip" I will question the existence of goodness in the Universe. No amount of fried chicken, strippers and single-malt whiskey will shake me free of my malaise. But then...

"24" returns in January, 2009. And all the pain will be washed away. Until then, stay tuned.

David, meet Goliath!

And knock Goliath on his ass! I am sitting here watching endless reruns of highlights from Super Bowl XLII. The N.Y. Giants are the champions. And I am 13 years-old again.



Thank you, G-men.

Oh, and thanks to Archie Manning too (father of MVP Eli Manning)!

8 Random Things About Me

Amy Vernon, fellow blogger and ally to all things Jack Bauer-related, "tagged" me electronically to reveal 8 random things about myself. Well, here we go:

1. When I was a kid (2-3 years-old) I used to bite people that annoyed me. I miss those days...

2. I never cheated on an exam in my life.

3. I often go to the movies alone.

4. I want to own a farm one day. In Mexico. Someplace where there is no law.

5. I think most people are terrible drivers. I'm talking 80-90% of them. That means 9 out of every 10 of you suck at driving, according to me.

6. I am a strong proponent of term limits on ALL federally-elected offices (senators, congressmen, etc.). It is the only way to truly reform government. No more professional politicians.

7. Oreo cookies piss me off. Bigtime.

8. I really want a fresh-baked soft pretzel.

Okay, if anyone wants to post comments with 8 random things about themselves, please go ahead and do so!

CLOVERFIELD: The Jack Sack Movie Review

"Cloverfield" is basically "The Blair Witch Project" meeting "Godzilla." A freakish monster tears New York City apart, forcing a group of yuppies with a camcorder to flee. Mixing it up a bit, I thought I'd give you my synopsis/review of the movie in the form lyrics, set to the crappy song "Hey There Delilah." Enjoy:

Hey there Clovercrab
Why you wrecking New York City?
Ruining some dude's going away party
Ripping the head off Lady Liberty
Just look at you
You've got eight arms and legs to boot
Still, you can't play the flute!

Hey there Clovercrab
You must have come a real long distance
But why my city? You should try
Los Angeles, for instance!
You eat people like french fries
You like our taste, what a surprise!
And look at your size!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

Hey there Clovercrab
You're scaring this dude's buddies
And his "sorta girlfriend's" trapped uptown
In a building you tipped over
What a night
I hear F-18s taking flight
But you put up a good fight!

Hey there Clovercrab
I see you're also shedding weird creatures
Little spiders with rat features
The yuppies try to run away
But the "plot" makes them stay
Still gotta save that girl someway
But Columbus Circle is so far away!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?

You look like present-day Teri Garr
You're wrecking planes and trains and cars
Who pissed you off to make you this way?
Did Godzilla beat you up on the school bus?
Did Mothra pull your pants down in gym class?
Geez, I can't even tell if you have an ass
Clovercrab, I can barely see you
Because of this stupid shaky camera-view
You know why "Blair Witch Project" was kind of lame?
Because the action was out of frame!

Hey there Clovercrab
Be a good chap and die quickly
The military is thinking of nuking you
And Donald Trump is prepared to sue
'Cuz the real estate market's dropping too
Which makes the subprime crisis seem cute
But Clovercrab, tough as you are
You still can't play the flute!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

THOUGHTS: This is dumb fun. If not taken seriously, this is a very entertaining (and sometimes very funny) movie. But be warned, if you dislike shaky cameras, this movie will be unwatchable for you.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks):




WHAT WOULD JACK DO: Jack Bauer would do pretty much everything differently from what these characters decided. For most of the time, I wondered why nobody asked for or tried to find a weapon. Without giving too much away, a gun, baseball bat or even a broom stick would have come in handy in a few key moments. Bauer, with The Jack Sack in tow, would not have been caught as helpless as these characters. And Jack versus the Clovercrab? I'd buy that for a dollar!

Suddenly, Not Having "24" This Month Doesn't Hurt As Much!

The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl.

"24" GUEST STAR WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY

Sure, it was only a non speaking cameo, but Rickey would like to think that in the future, all viable presidential contenders will need to be vetted by making guest appearances on "24." We, the American electorate, need to know about our potential presidents' folder handling abilities. Do they maintain a sincere look of gravitas as they drop off that important CTU memo in the background of our favorite tv show? Rickey demands to know!

We'd love to see a limp wristed Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama attempt to heft a folder in the sublimely masculine manner that John McCain did in his brief stint on the show. This election season, Rickey is campaigning for guest appearances on "24" for all presidential candidates. That's the utopia Rickey dreams of living in one day.

TIME magazine proves it is still irrelevant

In another feat of nauseating political correctness, TIME magazine has decided that this year's "Person of the Year" doesn't need to be a person at all! TIME has selected the demon-spawn from Satan himself- Russian Premier Vladimir Putin! This, the person who kills or locks up his political rivals is praised for his "extraordinary feat of leadership in taking a country that was in chaos and bringing it stability." Huh?

The turkey that wrote this piece of trash is managing editor Richard Stengel. What a joke.

Curb Your Terrorism

Another lost concept for "24" found in Joel Surnow's trash-- a takeoff of the HBO comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (apologies to Larry David):

INT. KOSHER DELI. AFTERNOON.

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida are eating lunch at a table as the scene begins. They are already talking.

JACK (looking at Tony's face)
I gotta ask you something.

TONY
What is it?

JACK (motioning with his hand)
What's with that thing on your face?

TONY
What, I got food on my face?

JACK
No, I'm talking about that thing on your chin. What do they call that?

TONY
Hair?

JACK
Yeah, I know it's hair. But there's a name for it. What is that called?

TONY
A patch?

JACK
That's it! A soulpatch! (silence) What's with that?

TONY
It's how I grow my facial hair. What's the big deal?

JACK
No, it's not how you grow your hair, it's how you trim it! See, you grow hair all over your face. You happen to be a pretty hairy guy.

TONY
I don't know where this is going.

JACK
Yeah, me neither.

TONY
Alright, since we're asking questions, what's with that purse?

JACK
This? (holds up The Jack Sack™) This isn't a purse, it's a messenger bag.

TONY
You're making a fashion statement. It happens to be a pretty feminine one as far as I can tell. But my soulpatch is a million times more manly than your purse.

JACK
No, no, no! This is not a fashion statement, it's a government-issued utility bag. I didn't grow it. I didn't go to a store and pick it out.

TONY
I don't know, Jack. It's got all the makings of a purse. And you're the only guy at C.T.U.that carries that thing around. I bet you could carry a lot of feminine hygiene products in that thing.

JACK
Yeah? Well I bet I could! Huh? See, I could carry a few tampons in here, maybe a few gossip magazines, right? I should probably empty out the C-4 and concussion grenades first, though, right? (mutters) At least I don't look like Cheech Marin.

TONY
I heard that.

JACK
I know!

(cue tuba music)

END OF SCENE.