Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

And that would be me. I'm dying for a vacation from work. How off-balance am I? I've just spent the last 15 minutes reading up on one of the Universe's greatest mysteries in the hopes of figuring out what the heck is wrong with our world. And that mystery is Elmo, the Sesame Street character.

Now, I know there are some of you that like the furry, red crackhead. And you're probably the same person that thinks his incessant high-pitched talking is cute. Yeah. Elmo is to me what Mary Hart was to Kramer on "Seinfeld." I have a furious, uncontrollable dislike of the guy. Anytime I hear Elmo do anything (he mostly laughs like a drunk senior citizen) I want to strangle kittens. Baskets full of kittens.

Well, I have to say that Elmo's "creator," Kevin Clash, has shrewdly established a bullet-proof empire. Elmo appears on talk shows, news programs and he even testified before Congress on funding music-based programs. That's right, a red-haired muppet went to Congress. And he gave sworn testimony. You know, about 50-plus years ago, the House Un-American Activities Committee would have had a field day with Elmo. And J. Edgar Hoover would have a file thicker than the phone book on him too. Imagine the proceedings:

CONGRESSMAN: Elmo, if that's your *real* name-- are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

ELMO: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh BOY! HAHAHAHAHAH! Elmo loves Congress!

CONGRESSMAN: Lock this red bastard up and throw away the key!

And sadly, Elmo was more truthful and respectable than that multiple Cy Young-winning "juicehead" Roger Clemens. Think about that for a second. (pause) My mind cannot wrap itself around this world anymore. Have a good week.