January 2009

In January, 2009 we will get fresh episodes of "24" according to our friends at Remote Access.

That's 11 months from now, folks. That's a whole new tax year. That's going to be AFTER the presidential election. Aside from having a new president sworn in, what other crazy things can we expect to see in that span of time?

CURRENT EVENTS PREDICTIONS:

1. Bill Belichick will be banned from coaching football when he is found to be guilty of videotaping his Super Bowl opponents over the course of the Patriots "dynasty" run.

2. Bill O'Reilly will be found in a lascivious videotape starring him, a goat and Dick Morris.

3. Bill Clinton will finally divorce Hillary (or the other way around)! (Okay, no more Bill references-- I promise).

4. Someone, somewhere, for some odd reason, will attempt to clone Bob Newhart. It will work. And we will all suffer God's wrath as a result.

5. The mystery of the missing honey bees will be solved-- Oprah Winfrey stole them all for her own sinister purposes (read "mind control" here).

6. Oil companies will buy banks troubled by the mortgage crises, and there will be nifty cross-promotions offered where you can direct-deposit your paychecks to your local gas station. A major player will be the newly formed "Exxon Trust." Cynics such as myself will laugh and cry simultaneously.

7. Andy Kaufman will come back. I will tell everyone "I told ya so" for about a month straight.

8. Betty White will curse on camera. Someone who is new to this sort of thing will laugh hysterically.

9. Oscar prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis will win Best Actor, or else... (fill in the name of his current movie here for the rest of the sentence!).

10. Global-freezing will become a problem. You think I'm kidding? You'll see!

ADAM'S PERSONAL LIFE PREDICTIONS:

1. I will boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics because the Chinese Government tortured our friend and savior, Jack Bauer.

2. I will briefly reconsider my boycott when considering the fact that the Chinese also messed with Audrey Raines, who seriously had it coming.

3. I will finally track down a butcher who will provide me with the elusive tri-tip cut of beef, which I have been quietly craving for several years.

4. I will incorporate insoluble and soluble fiber into my diet. My colon will cheer in the way only a colon can make noise!

5. I will make something levitate by using my mind. No one will see this but me. I will be forever tormented by this transcendental moment. An overdose of fiber will be blamed on my hallucination.

6. I will do the dance of death with a sea crab while at the beach. My flip-flop will be the harbinger of death for the innocent, yet disgusting crustacean. My Rabbi will tell me I did not sin as long as I didn't eat the crab after the fact.

7. I will perfect my impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. I will call in on a sports radio talk show and explain that I (McConaughey) couldn't play professional sports because my arms are too short.

8. I will deliver a baby of some sort.

9. I will still know how to ride a bike (in theory)!

10. My months of going cold-turkey without Bauer will push me over the edge and I will start buying terrible DVDs, mostly starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. Upon my seventeenth viewing of "Boat Trip" I will question the existence of goodness in the Universe. No amount of fried chicken, strippers and single-malt whiskey will shake me free of my malaise. But then...

"24" returns in January, 2009. And all the pain will be washed away. Until then, stay tuned.