Monday, December 10, 2007

Curb Your Terrorism

Another lost concept for "24" found in Joel Surnow's trash-- a takeoff of the HBO comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (apologies to Larry David):

INT. KOSHER DELI. AFTERNOON.

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida are eating lunch at a table as the scene begins. They are already talking.

JACK (looking at Tony's face)
I gotta ask you something.

TONY
What is it?

JACK (motioning with his hand)
What's with that thing on your face?

TONY
What, I got food on my face?

JACK
No, I'm talking about that thing on your chin. What do they call that?

TONY
Hair?

JACK
Yeah, I know it's hair. But there's a name for it. What is that called?

TONY
A patch?

JACK
That's it! A soulpatch! (silence) What's with that?

TONY
It's how I grow my facial hair. What's the big deal?

JACK
No, it's not how you grow your hair, it's how you trim it! See, you grow hair all over your face. You happen to be a pretty hairy guy.

TONY
I don't know where this is going.

JACK
Yeah, me neither.

TONY
Alright, since we're asking questions, what's with that purse?

JACK
This? (holds up The Jack Sack™) This isn't a purse, it's a messenger bag.

TONY
You're making a fashion statement. It happens to be a pretty feminine one as far as I can tell. But my soulpatch is a million times more manly than your purse.

JACK
No, no, no! This is not a fashion statement, it's a government-issued utility bag. I didn't grow it. I didn't go to a store and pick it out.

TONY
I don't know, Jack. It's got all the makings of a purse. And you're the only guy at C.T.U.that carries that thing around. I bet you could carry a lot of feminine hygiene products in that thing.

JACK
Yeah? Well I bet I could! Huh? See, I could carry a few tampons in here, maybe a few gossip magazines, right? I should probably empty out the C-4 and concussion grenades first, though, right? (mutters) At least I don't look like Cheech Marin.

TONY
I heard that.

JACK
I know!

(cue tuba music)

END OF SCENE.

7 comments:

Rickey Henderson said...

mmmm... smoked fish.

Sally Jo said...

Sooooo funny. Glad you're back, Adam. I've missed your posts almost as much as I already miss season 7.

AmyV said...

the most frightening thing about this is how Adam so nailed the Curb dialogue.

Haley said...

Amy, I'm telling ya, the man behind the sack is really just Larry David with larger biceps.

Adam said...

Ladies, ladies...

Thank you :)

Haley said...

I fear that this comment section occasionally resembles Ed Sullivan's audience when the Beatles performed.

Ah well, watcha gonna do.

AmyV said...

Ah, haley, I'm afraid you're right. on both counts. ;-)

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