Monday, January 21, 2008

CLOVERFIELD: The Jack Sack Movie Review

"Cloverfield" is basically "The Blair Witch Project" meeting "Godzilla." A freakish monster tears New York City apart, forcing a group of yuppies with a camcorder to flee. Mixing it up a bit, I thought I'd give you my synopsis/review of the movie in the form lyrics, set to the crappy song "Hey There Delilah." Enjoy:

Hey there Clovercrab
Why you wrecking New York City?
Ruining some dude's going away party
Ripping the head off Lady Liberty
Just look at you
You've got eight arms and legs to boot
Still, you can't play the flute!

Hey there Clovercrab
You must have come a real long distance
But why my city? You should try
Los Angeles, for instance!
You eat people like french fries
You like our taste, what a surprise!
And look at your size!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

Hey there Clovercrab
You're scaring this dude's buddies
And his "sorta girlfriend's" trapped uptown
In a building you tipped over
What a night
I hear F-18s taking flight
But you put up a good fight!

Hey there Clovercrab
I see you're also shedding weird creatures
Little spiders with rat features
The yuppies try to run away
But the "plot" makes them stay
Still gotta save that girl someway
But Columbus Circle is so far away!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?

You look like present-day Teri Garr
You're wrecking planes and trains and cars
Who pissed you off to make you this way?
Did Godzilla beat you up on the school bus?
Did Mothra pull your pants down in gym class?
Geez, I can't even tell if you have an ass
Clovercrab, I can barely see you
Because of this stupid shaky camera-view
You know why "Blair Witch Project" was kind of lame?
Because the action was out of frame!

Hey there Clovercrab
Be a good chap and die quickly
The military is thinking of nuking you
And Donald Trump is prepared to sue
'Cuz the real estate market's dropping too
Which makes the subprime crisis seem cute
But Clovercrab, tough as you are
You still can't play the flute!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

THOUGHTS: This is dumb fun. If not taken seriously, this is a very entertaining (and sometimes very funny) movie. But be warned, if you dislike shaky cameras, this movie will be unwatchable for you.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks):




WHAT WOULD JACK DO: Jack Bauer would do pretty much everything differently from what these characters decided. For most of the time, I wondered why nobody asked for or tried to find a weapon. Without giving too much away, a gun, baseball bat or even a broom stick would have come in handy in a few key moments. Bauer, with The Jack Sack in tow, would not have been caught as helpless as these characters. And Jack versus the Clovercrab? I'd buy that for a dollar!

2 comments:

Haley said...

Too funny. Too, too damn funny.

Văn Sát said...

Công ty vận chuyển hàng hóa trong nước chuyên nhận vận tải giá rẻ tốt nhất hiện nay. Hãy đến với chúng tôi, sàn giao dịch vận tải hàng hóa bạn sẽ được tận hưởng những dịch vụ vận chuyển tốt nhất hiện nay. Có thể kể đến dịch vụ tìm xe vận chuyển hàng hóa, vận chuyển hàng đông lạnh, tìm hàng hóa vận chuyển, vận chuyển hàng tươi sống, nhận chở hàng giá rẻ , dịch vụ vận chuyển hàng hóa bằng đường sắt, vận chuyển hàng đi Hà Nội giá rẻ... Và còn rất nhiều dịch vụ đang chờ đón bạn. Nếu như bạn có thắc mắc hay cần sử dụng hãy liên hệ với chúng tôi nhé.

Post a Comment