Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hello Bower Bag-Fans!

Hello and a glorious day from your friends in Uzbekistan!

We send warm regrets on the loss of your Emperor Merv Griffin. We love Wheel of Death, good show, many times we play it with captured rebels.

And I know, it has been many months since last transmission. Apologies- we lost our shortwave equipment to lustful rebels posing as Tajik women. We were betrayed! It is lonely in the mountains. After slitting their gender-confusing throats, we finally reclaimed transmission equipment and are prepared for new contacts. Okay, now for small talk introduction:

Summer is fierce, yes? Your ex-second-President Alfonse Gore swears it is icy caps melting! I believe Gore, he is a prophet without goat farm. He is welcome to lead this Hellish land, if he likes. Damn you Florida State!

Yes, weather is hot, but we are strong in Uzbekistan. We have long war with rebels, and we desire to continue killing them until they stop insisting on clean water and vaccinations in villages. Summer heat? Nothing a nice cup of Yak juice won't help cool down.

Anyways, while sliding around the internets, looking for anniversary gifts for my wives, I find that American clothier GAP has unleashed a new line of earth-toned fashions. I was excited by this-- in Uzbekistan we need wrinkle-free khakis to kill effectively. I clicked the rodent device and found something that made my blood boil like a Yeti stew: GAP makes a Jack Sack! How can this be? Jack Bower is not a GAP man, is he? I used magical forces to capture the essence of this interloping sack for presentation in this transmission. Look below:
As you notice, it wishes to be Jack Sack! This is another betrayal of gender-confusion! We lust for the bag but upon closer view, we see it has no ballies! We will send special elite troops to GAP for revenge on them. Worry no more, Bag-Fans! My cousin Yuri wants to eat their kidneys. Thank us later!

Okay, rebels are throwing volleys of gasoline-bombs at us. We must be getting to morning blood-bath. Enjoy the rest of the summer! We will contact again!


Anonymous said...

Wow, it looks nothing like that. And Jack would never shop at GAP.

Sally Jo said...

I have to say I'm relieved these yak-milk drinkers are intervening! Jack's probably too busy screwing in fluorescent bulbs.

Rickey said...

Freaking brilliant buddy... Rickey loves reading funny things in broken english.

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