Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Scouting Report: CTU Softball Team

In a previous post Adam discussed a CTU softball team. So Rickey, unoriginal bastard that he is, decided to extrapolate on the idea, employing some pointers from Adam. So for comedic purposes, what would a softball team consisting of past and present 24 cast members look like? To get an idea, let’s take a peek at the scouting report for the following position players:

Starting Pitcher, Bill Buchanan. A crafty veteran who keeps his calm under all circumstances. He’s a solid addition to any lineup. Also able to pilot a helicopter should a team brawl erupt mid game.

Catcher, Jack Bauer. Bauer’s 3’4 height actually allows him to catch balls in a standing position, thus making it easy to throw runners out as they attempt to steal second. When pitching against him, remember that due to his stature, Bauer’s strike zone is approximately three square inches. Fueled by pure rage, he’s known for arguing any poor strikes called by a sloppy umpire, and torturing them senselessly if necessary.

First Base, David Palmer. A devastating power hitter whose only weakness is his insistence on glaring angrily into the stands at his ex-wife at the start and conclusion of every at bat. Also worth noting is that Palmer can't hit the curveball and frequently talks to someone named "Jobu" while at bat.

Second Base, Chloe O’ Brien. Due to occasional attitude issues, she’s not a terrific “team player,” but this fault is mitigated by her willingness to upload the opposing team’s stats to Jack’s PDA should the need arise.

Shortstop, Tony Almeida. Able to field any well-hit ball cleanly, and easily facilitate double-plays, Almeida is undoubtedly the team’s MVP. Seems to enjoy stealing bases at every possible opportunity, which we suspect has something to do with Third Base Coach, Michelle Dessler.

Third Base, Morris O’ Brien. Also a terrific fielder, primarily due to his ability to trap well-hit balls in his unruly chest hair. However, O’Brien frequently buckles under pressure at the plate and is rumored to be fond of drinking behind the scoreboard between innings. Every team has a clubhouse addict and Morris is CTU's this season. (Last season it was Gael and his Soduku puzzles).

Left Field, Wayne Palmer. On the team primarily due to his brother’s insistence, Wayne hasn’t quite grasped the fundamentals of baseball yet. Think of Wayne as the Billy Ripken of the team. Due to his inability to field the ball cleanly, Palmer makes reaching third base on a routine pop out to left field a leisurely affair.

Center Field, Milo Pressman. This goatee sporting centerfielder loves making diving catches (even when not necessary) primarily to impress Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir, who sits nearby in the bullpen.

Right Field, Edgar Stiles. Edgar’s hindered mobility suits him best for a role in right field, but watch out when he’s up at bat. Lots of energy abounds within this fella.

Bullpen Submariner, Tom Lennox. A devious little pitcher who is quite fond of using pine tar, this player avoids getting nabbed by keeping incriminating evidence on all the umps. Watch out for this guy: he is known for sitting outside his oponents' houses the night before the game in a surveillance van. He's that dedicated to winning.

Bullpen Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir. A dominant pitching force to be reckoned with. However, Yassir has been caught multiple times using an emery board on the ball. She is currently serving a three-game suspension.

Closer, Aaron Pierce. He doesn’t look like much, but this 99 mph gunslinger will shut down your hopes of a 9th inning rally in nine pitches or less. While at the plate, any taunts concerning Martha Logan should be avoided unless you’re prepared to receive a little chin music.

Team Coach, Noah Daniels. Able to pep talk (read: scare senseless) his team out of any funk, this veteran is the steady hand at the helm of this softball team. But like all former managers of the squad, Daniels has to learn to defer all major decision to his catcher, Jack Bauer.

10 comments:

AmyV said...

Ha! At least someone's writing humor on this site (hint, hint, where the hell are the last three CTU Denver episodes?). Thank you Rickey. At least someone cares.

Adam said...

I'm the Invisible Hand, Amy. I'm involved in everything that takes place here...

Rickey Henderson said...

Aw, hey, be nice to Adam, he was kind enough to contribute to the article.

G said...

Freakin Jobu - that cracks me up. Gotta love the pop culture references (Rickey - you ever read Bill Simmons? I love his stuff). I think Jobu should contribute to this blog in the future....

Sally Jo said...

Brilliant. Made my day!

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeah G, Simmons is a big inspiration. He's become kind of a caricature of himself recently, but he's always good for a laugh. It's a damn shame that ESPN is charging viewers to read his writing now. Freaking Bristol... Yep, these are my readers.

[/]Simmons

2266 said...

I'd pay good money to see this team play! But wait, where's Curtis?

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeah I was debating putting Curtis in centerfield but he's so badass and serious that I couldn't come up with anything funny to say about him.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar said...

I think CTU Denver has been cancelled. :o(

Mathew said...

Michelle in that team would have made it much easier on the eyes.

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