All-around louse and washed-up good-for-nothing Bobby Brown believes that he is the target of Osama bin Laden and al Qaida. Let me repeat: Bobby Brown believes that Osama bin Laden knows who he is, and for reasons beyond probably having to do with the disastrous Ghostbusters II, wants to kill the former member of New Edition.
Okay, if this is even remotely true, then I think here's what happened: I picture a bunch of terrorists sitting in a cave somewhere near Jalalabad, with only propaganda training videos for entertainment. Then comes Cousin Naseem, with a box of fresh VHS tapes of American television (infidels!) translated into Arabic with all propagandist vocabulary included (ex: imagine an episode of "Law & Order" where the D.A. says to the judge "Your Honor, we eat babies and drink the blood of our enemies because the U.S. Constitution says it is Holy!"). So, back to my fantasy image: Naseem breaks out the tapes and in walks bin Laden, thrilled at the prospect of finally seeing this "Everybody Loves Raymond" show he's heard so much about when it becomes immediately clear that what they have is tape after tape after tape of Bravo's reality series "Being Bobby Brown." After three episodes, bin Laden declares a jihad on Bobby Brown.
If al Qaida has decided to get into the business of offing has-beens, then I have a list. And it is long. And Jack Bauer is probably willing to help.