Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Joel Surnow's Trash: Rejected Plot Ideas For Season 7

The writer's strike has paralyzed the entertainment industry, including a little show we follow at this site called "24." Out of boredom (criminal mischief) we recently rummaged through Executive Producer Joel Surnow's trashbin and uncovered various notes concerning the show's upcoming seventh season. Here are a few ideas that didn't make it to the set:

1. Jack Bauer no longer uses weapons! So, this sounds like a pretty good idea, right? I could get behind a completely vicious brand of violence from Jack, without the aid of firearms or explosives. Well... unfortunately, Joel Surnow's idea was to have Jack "improvise" with regular household items, a la MacGuyver. In one proposed scene, Jack spends thirty minutes reprogramming a universal TV remote to set off a microwave oven that he filled with spoons earlier, to start cooking thus causing sparks to go off, distracting the terrorists. Yeah. Spoons.

2. Edgar is the terrorist. Yeah, before they decided to bring Tony Almeida back from the dead, Joel Surnow had it in his head to revive Edgar Stiles. Edgar, miffed by Chloe's inability to save him from the Sentox nerve gas attack on CTU, swears sweet revenge on his gal-pal and his former employer. As a sidenote, Edgar was able to survive (here comes the fat joke, wait for it, wait for it...) because at the time of the attack, he had a whole loaf of bread lodged in his larynx, which absorbed the toxic gas. When Edgar collapsed, it was from oxygen deprivation. But his above-average saliva capacity quickly "digested" the loaf of bread to allow air back into his system. A day later, Edgar awoke at the local dump (apparently CTU didn't spring for a proper funeral).

3. "The Audrey Raines Show." With several lifetimes of tragedy behind her, Jack's former lady-friend is given a daytime talk show on ABC, following Oprah Winfrey. Show topics include "How to speed up menopause", "What's the best home security system?" and "How to make your nervous ticks cute!" In her "favorite things" episode, Audrey showers her audience with anti-depressants and vodka. Amazingly, she is canceled in the first 5 hours of Day 7.

4. The Bill Buchanan Reality Tour. Unemployed and an ex-con (but pardoned by the new lady President), former CTU honcho Bill Buchanan has written a tell-all book about his ex-wife Karen Hayes-Buchanan and her corrupt cronies at Homeland Security. Bill tries to get a booking on talk shows, but only Audrey Raines' show makes an offer, and then is canceled. Buchanan instead chooses to go to a local supermarket and sell books out from the trunk of his Saab hatchback, drinking Evian, eating beef jerky and cranking Jethro Tull on his stereo. He sells no books over the course of 8 hours.

5. Bringing Corey Feldman and Corey Haim to the show as psychic twins. The two Coreys would have been integral part of the Day 7 plot. When the trail of the terrorists goes cold, Jack reaches out to the twins, former Yugoslavian teens that he met while on his Special Forces mission to kill Victor Drazen in the 1990s (whom he secretly adopted to bring back to the States). The plot thickens when Kim Bauer shows up, looking to reconcile with her father. When the Corey Twins see her, they begin to lose their ability to tap into the psychic realm. Technically, Kim is their sister, but not by any blood relations. While caught up in this moral dilemma, Jack deems them useless and kicks them out of his house, returning to anonymity for another decade.

There are more abandoned plot ideas, stay tuned.


Rickey said...

You sir, are officially back in the saddle again. Welcome back Jack Sack.

AmyV said...

The Sack (TM) is back!!


Gregg said...

I agree w/ Amy - its good to have our friendly sack back on his game. The Edgar plot was good stuff. Freakin above-average saliva capacity, I love it. I've always been waiting for that guy to accidentally hack a fat one on Chloe and immediately get pimp-slapped...

TheJackSack said...

Thanks, gang. I appreciate your all being patient. Prepare for some whacky shit in the next few days and weeks.

AmyV said...