Season 7 Trailer!!!

Rickey Henderson tipped me off to this:



Now my initial thoughts:

I see elements from Die Hards 2 and 4 and GoldenEye at play in this trailer. I also see that Jack Bauer has grown out his hair and wears lighter colors.

People, it's too early to render judgment on this season, but just seeing Almeida back in action is enough to get me excited, even if he turns into a bad guy. And a part of me digs that Almeida is bad, because he is the Yang to Bauer's Ying. Both of them lost their wives. Both of them suffered terrible losses on behalf of their country. And while Bauer makes the hero's choice to keep fighting for what he believes in, Tony (reasonably) loses his grasp of those values and goes AWOL. Instead of the predictable terrorist agenda, we get something a lot more primal out of Tony. He just wants to see things go boom.

BREAKING NEWS: ALMEIDA IS BACK!!!

Tony Almeida is coming back to "24" this season. There is no greater news imaginable.


Hat tip to Amy Vernon for making my day. Consider me officially out of semi-retirement as a blogger. This is the first bit of inspiration I've felt for Season 7 yet.

More Terrorist Monkey Possibilities for 24!

A couple of weeks ago, I ran a story about how a monkey was smuggled underneath a man's hat onto a flight from Peru.

This week, we get more monkey mayhem: monkeys in Kenya are apparently sexually harassing human women. No word on whether these "construction worker" monkeys are in a local union, but it is true that many of them hail from the great state of New Jersey! Here's the mon(k)ey quote:

"The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us," said Mrs Njeri.

Sexually harassing monkeys? What, are they going to keep asking the women out to dinner? Are they going to suggest the local ladies wear something "tight"? I don't know why, but impolite simians crack me up (maybe it's because I'm probably one of them). Okay, go back to your Friday!

Janeane Garofalo to star on next season's "24"

Confused? Me too!

I could have tried to write some witty title about the outspoken Garofalo screaming at Jack Bauer, etc. but I think I'll let that image play out in your heads. So, a female president and now one of Hollywood's most anti-war "celebrities" have joined the cast of a show that has not yet been written according to some press reports. Just throw in there Mr. T and Amy's crush, Dirk Benedict, and you'll have "The NEW A-Team."

CTU Denver is not the only show in trouble!

Ladies and Gents, "24" is stalled on the runway.

Day 7 was supposed to start filming last month. Then someone at Fox said "Wait a minute, this idea costs too much!" So, the production was halted to re-write the new season's premise and introductory episodes. Now, more delays are hitting "24." In an effort to get more scripts finished before filming starts, production will not commence until September. Nervous? I am!

Hello Bower Bag-Fans!

Hello and a glorious day from your friends in Uzbekistan!

We send warm regrets on the loss of your Emperor Merv Griffin. We love Wheel of Death, good show, many times we play it with captured rebels.

And I know, it has been many months since last transmission. Apologies- we lost our shortwave equipment to lustful rebels posing as Tajik women. We were betrayed! It is lonely in the mountains. After slitting their gender-confusing throats, we finally reclaimed transmission equipment and are prepared for new contacts. Okay, now for small talk introduction:

Summer is fierce, yes? Your ex-second-President Alfonse Gore swears it is icy caps melting! I believe Gore, he is a prophet without goat farm. He is welcome to lead this Hellish land, if he likes. Damn you Florida State!

Yes, weather is hot, but we are strong in Uzbekistan. We have long war with rebels, and we desire to continue killing them until they stop insisting on clean water and vaccinations in villages. Summer heat? Nothing a nice cup of Yak juice won't help cool down.

Anyways, while sliding around the internets, looking for anniversary gifts for my wives, I find that American clothier GAP has unleashed a new line of earth-toned fashions. I was excited by this-- in Uzbekistan we need wrinkle-free khakis to kill effectively. I clicked the rodent device and found something that made my blood boil like a Yeti stew: GAP makes a Jack Sack! How can this be? Jack Bower is not a GAP man, is he? I used magical forces to capture the essence of this interloping sack for presentation in this transmission. Look below:
As you notice, it wishes to be Jack Sack! This is another betrayal of gender-confusion! We lust for the bag but upon closer view, we see it has no ballies! We will send special elite troops to GAP for revenge on them. Worry no more, Bag-Fans! My cousin Yuri wants to eat their kidneys. Thank us later!

Okay, rebels are throwing volleys of gasoline-bombs at us. We must be getting to morning blood-bath. Enjoy the rest of the summer! We will contact again!

Oh no, not ANOTHER blog!

Guys, pleas don't kill me, but I'm starting another blog.

Unlike Jack Bauer, I like to eat... a lot, in fact. So, the new blog, Adam's Rib will hopefully become a free-for-all where contributors and readers alike dive deep into their love of food-- be it their favorite local restaurant or grandma's homemade apple pie.

This will NOT affect The Jack Sack in any way. If anything, this will get me writing on a more regular basis, and that will overflow into this blog as well (put down your knife, Amy).

So, stay tuned for more posts.

Will 24's next president clip coupons too?

In case you didn't know, 24's next season will welcome a new, female U.S. president, played by Cherry Jones. We here at The Jack Sack support this move because 1) Cherry Jones is a great actress and 2) Wayne is off to build the Palmer Presidential Library (I hear David is getting 90% of the floorspace).

But today, I came across a fantastic article about Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel. It appears that Chancellor Merkel shops for her own groceries. This puts New York City's Mayor Mike Bloomberg on notice, as he brags about taking an S.U.V. convoy to a Subway terminal 4 stops from City Hall everyday. Chancellor Merkel is the real deal-- she carries money and she picks out her own fruits and vegetables. Mayor Mike is a f@%#ing billionaire. Quit faking it, Bloomy.

So, let that be a lesson to 24's new president-- we like leaders who mix with the people, wait in line and have a shopper's card for their local supermarket.

New profile for terrorists?

Apparently a man tried to smuggle his pet monkey onboard a plane by hiding the diminutive simian under his hat. The jig was up when the marmoset emerged out from under tha man's hat during the flight.

Money quote: "Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him," said an eyewitness.

I Will Paint For Food

So, between the traveling and writing, I managed to squeeze in some painting this past month as well. Here's the situation: a girl in my office has a 6 year-old son who loves Star Wars. She commissioned me to paint a couple of chairs and a table for his birthday present. While I do enjoy drawing a lot, I have never worked with paint before this project. It was a little nerve-wracking at first, but all those hours of watching Bob Ross as a kid must have paid off for me. Take a look:























(Above: this is a tabletop, the legs weren't attached yet.)

Interested in your own private commission? (Ewok end tables really tie the room together!) Email me at thejacksack@gmail.com.

Look Who Needs a "Bodyguard"! Is This a 24 S.7 Plot?

All-around louse and washed-up good-for-nothing Bobby Brown believes that he is the target of Osama bin Laden and al Qaida. Let me repeat: Bobby Brown believes that Osama bin Laden knows who he is, and for reasons beyond probably having to do with the disastrous Ghostbusters II, wants to kill the former member of New Edition.

Okay, if this is even remotely true, then I think here's what happened: I picture a bunch of terrorists sitting in a cave somewhere near Jalalabad, with only propaganda training videos for entertainment. Then comes Cousin Naseem, with a box of fresh VHS tapes of American television (infidels!) translated into Arabic with all propagandist vocabulary included (ex: imagine an episode of "Law & Order" where the D.A. says to the judge "Your Honor, we eat babies and drink the blood of our enemies because the U.S. Constitution says it is Holy!"). So, back to my fantasy image: Naseem breaks out the tapes and in walks bin Laden, thrilled at the prospect of finally seeing this "Everybody Loves Raymond" show he's heard so much about when it becomes immediately clear that what they have is tape after tape after tape of Bravo's reality series "Being Bobby Brown." After three episodes, bin Laden declares a jihad on Bobby Brown.

If al Qaida has decided to get into the business of offing has-beens, then I have a list. And it is long. And Jack Bauer is probably willing to help.

Formula for a fun time

Several Red Stripes: $20-30







A few unnecessary Jeager shots: $10-15







Jack Links Beef Jerky at 1AM: $6.99







Preaching the Good Life with Rickey Henderson: Priceless

Mr. Bauer goes to Washington?

Hiya folks, every now and then Rickey likes to check in with a periodical update on all things 24-related. For the confused & bewildered, you’ll notice that Rickey’s posts now come to you with special third-person action. It’s been several long weeks since Rickey signed on to be the ombudsman of this blog and he damn well wants his own dressing room now. You hear that Adam? His own fucking dressing room! And whores, expensive whores! These occasional pants-free decrees just aren’t cutting it anymore buddy…

Ahem. Having now firmly established himself as the “id” of this blog, Rickey would now like to discuss the recent story about the seventh season of 24 being set in Washington D.C. First off, we like the idea, we really do. A change in scenery is a fantastic thing, and frankly, the whole Africa pitch sounded a little far fetched. Kiefer’s great at tracking down cartoonish caricatures of terrorists, but the idea of him single handedly wiping out apartheid seems like a bit of a reach, no?

So it’s on to swampy D.C. for season seven. And here are a few plot elements that Rickey thinks should occur in this exciting new locale:

Ideally, Day 7 should transpire sometime during Washington’s annual Cherry Blossom Festival. Naturally, Jack would commemorate the occasion by ripping all the city’s cherry trees out of the ground and flinging them into the Potomac.

One hour must be devoted entirely to Jack going insane and pummeling Anne Coulter. No commercial breaks.

Another hour would be devoted to Jack seriously losing his shit and rampaging through Alberto Gonzalez’s office. (You know what? Rickey has a laundry list of D.C. folks he’d like to see Bauerized, so we’ll stop now before things get too angry/divisive). More things we’d enjoy seeing:

Some sort of long, protracted gun fight in Union Station. (That one’s kind of inevitable).

Jack climbing up the Washington Monument and swatting down attacking biplanes.

Noah Daniels being politely asked to leave the Ronald Regan section of the Smithsonian due to an embarrassing bout of open weeping.

Nadia doing body shots at a George Washington University party (those GW kids party harder than you’d think).

Morris sweating profusely in the sub-tropical climate and making the bold decision to unfasten yet another shirt button.

Chloe going batshit crazy while trying to navigate Dupont Circle.

Kim Bauer lost and alone in the D.C. zoo after dark. It's comedy gold!

…And that’s all we can think of for now. Further thoughts/suggestions should be left in the comments section below.

Liberace in Space? Tallyho!

Long-time readers of The Jack Sack know that Trek Movie Report is a friend to this blog. Anthony Pascale runs a top-notch site, and he's breaking news on the upcoming Star Trek movie as we speak (check out his reporting from the San Diego Comic Con this week). Well, Anthony has kindly given me the chance to review another of the ongoing remastered Original Series episodes airing in syndication. Last week's episode is "The Squire of Gothos" and here's my review.

Travel Log: I'm tired of traveling.

Greetings Sack Pack,

It's become a running joke that I haven't blogged nearly as much as of late. Sure, I'm busy with work, my writing, and learning to play the spoons. But the month of July was also a month of traveling for me- starting with a trip to Montreal, going to Rhode Island and ending this past weekend with a wedding in Sioux Falls, SD. I did some rudimentary calculations on the distance I've traversed in the past three weeks, and the grand total is 3,419 miles. That's farther than the distance from New York, NY to Anchorage, AK (which comes in at 3,365 miles). This picture tells the story:

Now, I'm back in NY for the foreseeable future (perhaps I'll take a trip to North Carolina at the end of August to close out the summer). That means I'll be sitting in front of my computer more often-- which means more Jack Sack for you miserable ingrates.

Rickey, can you top that?

-Adam

CTU Denver: 10:00-11:00AM

Here's Hour 3 of our ongoing (and back-on-track!) series:

While Agent Mike Doyle confronts his unlikely doppelganger, former child-star Ricky Schroder in an epic battle of the wills, Schroder's partners in mischief and terror meet to plan out their nefarious plot against the free world!

INT. RAMADA INN. GARY COLEMAN'S SUITE.

Danny Bonaduce and Mindy Cohn are sitting uncomfortably on a twin bed together. Kirk Cameron is sitting on a corner chair, reading from Gideons Bible to pass the time. The door swings open and the pitter-patter of feet is heard, but no person is visible.

DANNY BONADUCE (perking up from his slouch)
Is that you Coleman?

A boyish giggle is heard from behind the twin bed.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dude, enough of the games, just tell me the Continental breakfast was still available. I need a GODDAMN cheese Danish!

KIRK CAMERON (head jerking up from the Bible)
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cammy. (turns to bed) Gary, are you gonna make me come underneath the bed to get my Danish.

Danny Bonaduce looks over and sees Mindy Cohn paying extra attention to what's transpiring.

DANNY BONADUCE
Gary, you're getting Mindy excited. Just give me the Danish and put this little episode behind us.

A shadowy figure bolts from underneath the bed and climbs the curtains and hides in the lampshade.

KIRK CAMERON (standing and placing his hand cautiously on Danny's shoulder)
Danny, that's not Gary Coleman! That's someone... something else. (holds up the Bible) The Power of Christ compels you! Away with you, Hell beast!

Suddenly GARY COLEMAN enters the hotel room.

GARY (all huffy)
Man, what's going on in here? Are y'all scaring our newest team member?

DANNY BONADUCE
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Gary?

GARY
Fool, that's Emmanuel Lewis up in that lampshade. Did you upset him? Get out of my way!

Gary walks over to the lampshade and looks up at his hidden friend. After a few grunts and clicking noises from the lamp, Emmanuel Lewis finally drops down and lands on Gary's shoulder. Gary feeds him a nondescript piece of food, probably a dog biscuit of some sort. Emmanuel Lewis devours the vittles. Mindy Cohn makes a groaning noise. Gary shrugs his shoulders and tosses a dog treat at Mindy, which she snaps out of the air with zeal.

DANNY BONADUCE
Holy Mother of-

KIRK
Uh-uh, Danny. What did I tell you about swearing? I can't enter His Kingdom if I'm surrounded by people who take the Lord's name in vain.

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cam-- I want you to get in there, trust me. (To Gary) So, is the Continental Breakfast over?

Gary nods.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dammit!

KIRK
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry! (sighs) It's just those Ramada Inn Danishes are like methadone for me. (shakes his arms, trying to loosen up) Okay, so we're all here then?

GARY
Not quite, Ricky Schroder got picked up by CTU last night.

DANNY BONADUCE
Where is he now?

GARY
He's at CTU here in Denver-- our "mole" is giving us a real-time feed on CTU's operations.

KIRK CAMERON
We have to abort the operation. If Ricky has talked to-

DANNY BONADUCE
Cammy, babe- listen to what you're saying! Ricky Schroder is the hardest member of this team. This is the guy who sat through several years of Dennis Farina's bare-ass and he held strong. CTU can't make him talk. But we're a man short now. (looks at Gary and Emmanuel) Sorry.

Emmanuel Lewis makes some squishy noises and smiles. He then picks at Gary's afro, pulling out lint and other particles.

GARY
No, I can take the jokes.

KIRK CAMERON
Okay, so we need to fill Ricky's spot. Any ideas?

GARY
I could always call up Todd Bridges.

DANNY BONADUCE
We got enough crack addicts in the room already, Gary, sorry. No, I think we need to call in someone special. He's our newest recruit-- he just got pinched for a DUI this year... here's his rap sheet (tosses it on the bed).

Mindy Cohn leans forward and smiles with approval. The spider-monkey Emmanuel Lewis starts clicking with glee.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM.

A phone sits on the desk and it rings. A hand moves to pick it up, but we cannot see the person's face.

DANNY BONADUCE (VOICE)
It's me. Are you ready to make your bones with our crew?

The face of the person on the phone leans forward into the light.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I see dead people... they're in CTU!

Bleep-bleep-bloop-bloop.

NEXT TIME ON CTU DENVER-- The Former Child Actor's have to make immediate moves to enact their mysterious plot of terror while Agent Doyle has to turn elsewhere for answers...

24 News: CTU Africa? Not so fast!

TV Guide reports that a proposed story involving Africa for Day 7 has been 86'ed by the FOX network (producers of such great hits as "Man v. Beast" and "So You Think You Can (fill in the blank)?") for being too costly. This is troubling to me, as I had long hoped Jack Bauer would exact revenge against one of his daughter's greatest attackers-- that's right, the cougar. Imagine 24 hours of Jack hunting down these jackals of the Serengeti with nothing but a PDA and a canvas man-bag. They could even squeeze in a scene where Bauer kills John Mellencamp, "accidentally" mistaking him for a cougar.

Sorry, FOX, but you dropped the ball on this one. The show's production is now delayed for at least three weeks. Does it trouble you all that the writers have three weeks to decide on the whole storyline for Day 7?

CTU DENVER IS BACK!!!

Starting next week, that is! In the meantime, enjoy this funkalicious video. Crank this mutha!

Scouting Report: CTU Softball Team

In a previous post Adam discussed a CTU softball team. So Rickey, unoriginal bastard that he is, decided to extrapolate on the idea, employing some pointers from Adam. So for comedic purposes, what would a softball team consisting of past and present 24 cast members look like? To get an idea, let’s take a peek at the scouting report for the following position players:

Starting Pitcher, Bill Buchanan. A crafty veteran who keeps his calm under all circumstances. He’s a solid addition to any lineup. Also able to pilot a helicopter should a team brawl erupt mid game.

Catcher, Jack Bauer. Bauer’s 3’4 height actually allows him to catch balls in a standing position, thus making it easy to throw runners out as they attempt to steal second. When pitching against him, remember that due to his stature, Bauer’s strike zone is approximately three square inches. Fueled by pure rage, he’s known for arguing any poor strikes called by a sloppy umpire, and torturing them senselessly if necessary.

First Base, David Palmer. A devastating power hitter whose only weakness is his insistence on glaring angrily into the stands at his ex-wife at the start and conclusion of every at bat. Also worth noting is that Palmer can't hit the curveball and frequently talks to someone named "Jobu" while at bat.

Second Base, Chloe O’ Brien. Due to occasional attitude issues, she’s not a terrific “team player,” but this fault is mitigated by her willingness to upload the opposing team’s stats to Jack’s PDA should the need arise.

Shortstop, Tony Almeida. Able to field any well-hit ball cleanly, and easily facilitate double-plays, Almeida is undoubtedly the team’s MVP. Seems to enjoy stealing bases at every possible opportunity, which we suspect has something to do with Third Base Coach, Michelle Dessler.

Third Base, Morris O’ Brien. Also a terrific fielder, primarily due to his ability to trap well-hit balls in his unruly chest hair. However, O’Brien frequently buckles under pressure at the plate and is rumored to be fond of drinking behind the scoreboard between innings. Every team has a clubhouse addict and Morris is CTU's this season. (Last season it was Gael and his Soduku puzzles).

Left Field, Wayne Palmer. On the team primarily due to his brother’s insistence, Wayne hasn’t quite grasped the fundamentals of baseball yet. Think of Wayne as the Billy Ripken of the team. Due to his inability to field the ball cleanly, Palmer makes reaching third base on a routine pop out to left field a leisurely affair.

Center Field, Milo Pressman. This goatee sporting centerfielder loves making diving catches (even when not necessary) primarily to impress Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir, who sits nearby in the bullpen.

Right Field, Edgar Stiles. Edgar’s hindered mobility suits him best for a role in right field, but watch out when he’s up at bat. Lots of energy abounds within this fella.

Bullpen Submariner, Tom Lennox. A devious little pitcher who is quite fond of using pine tar, this player avoids getting nabbed by keeping incriminating evidence on all the umps. Watch out for this guy: he is known for sitting outside his oponents' houses the night before the game in a surveillance van. He's that dedicated to winning.

Bullpen Middle Reliever, Nadia Yassir. A dominant pitching force to be reckoned with. However, Yassir has been caught multiple times using an emery board on the ball. She is currently serving a three-game suspension.

Closer, Aaron Pierce. He doesn’t look like much, but this 99 mph gunslinger will shut down your hopes of a 9th inning rally in nine pitches or less. While at the plate, any taunts concerning Martha Logan should be avoided unless you’re prepared to receive a little chin music.

Team Coach, Noah Daniels. Able to pep talk (read: scare senseless) his team out of any funk, this veteran is the steady hand at the helm of this softball team. But like all former managers of the squad, Daniels has to learn to defer all major decision to his catcher, Jack Bauer.

I'm an uncle!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I became an uncle for the first time!


Congratulations to my brother David and his wife Elizabeth on their healthy and handsome son. The boy has 6 seasons of 24 to catch up on (well, 5 if we just choose to ignore the disappointing last season) but first let's give the guy a chance to sleep. My brother and sister-in-law have yet to choose a final name, but I'll update you on that when the decision is made.

Tony Almeida is a good name... I'm just sayin'!

UPDATED: Alex Joseph is the boy's name. He will rule the Earth by the year 2035. All hail Alex!