Welcome, loyal readers, to a new edition of "Dear Chloe"-- the snarkiest advice column this side of the Potomac. This week we delve into inner fears- professional and personal. Chloe O'Brian is never short on an opinion, so let's see how she deals with this week's neurotic letters:
It's been a rough day for me: I've totally slept with a complete loser, my daddy got shot up in some deli, some dude tried to poke my eyes out with a knife and my Mom is completely not listening to me when I tell her "Don't put that creepo in the Witness Protection Program!" Argh!
I know it's really self-centered of me to be going on like this, but I'm really bummed about so much right now. I've totally got this great job in the family business but it's like a complete waste of time if nobody's going to do what I tell them, ya know? Usually, I'd just call up some friends and hit the mall, but it's 4AM right now and even online shopping can't save me from my doldrums.
And then there's my secret crush. My psych professor at Brown told me once that "Love is being stupid together." Of course, he said this as he was making a pass at me, but the thing is, there's this guy that's completely older and not my type, but when he looks at me, I kinda like what I see behind his eyes. He'd never make the first move, that's for certain. And I think he drives this old Buick... but still, every time I see him, I have to run back to my office and play Liz Phair's "Why Can't I"-- I know, I've got it bad.
Please help me make sense of it all!
-Mademoiselle at 1600
I drafted a full response to your letter, but some faulty server wiped out my whole database, and I don't have time to rewrite it at the moment. So, here's the short version: If I were you, I'd shut my mouth, close my legs and go back to the sorority house.
I'm a patriot, I tell you! When George Washington fought the Redcoats at Trenton, do you know what he needed more than the blizzard to help him win? Shoes and guns! At every moment in our great nation's history, there's always been a group that has equipped it's great soldiers with the tools necessary to overwhelm its enemies. While the French are handing out wheels of cheese to their boys, I'm giving the American military bullets that can turn corners! I only buy American- American-made darts, American Chinese food, American scotch (we call it bourbon). And I only allow my picture to be taken in front of the Stars and Stripes.
Well, a fine day it has been for this patriot- I was accused of insurrection by some dizzy broad who's working as a temp in the Oval Office. I also had to kick a bunch of mouth-breathing Feds off my property and now I sit in some hospital being told I have to betray my cause. That being said, I get a 1,000 acre ranch out of it, two SUVs and some free lawn service if I play my cards right. Maybe this country isn't so bad after all.
But where are the real patriots? Does anyone else know that the Second Amendment gives me the right to bear 50 surface-to-surface missiles?!? And where's my damn applesauce and morphine? I'm dying over here!
-Stark, Raving Mad
I re-read your letter twice to see if I could find any reference to the Road Runner. You obviously love gadgets. I love tech stuff too. But dude, seriously- you gotta look into buying Japanese. Do you have a media player or are you still rocking out to the gramophone? Quit acting so patriotic-- we've stopped making cool shit back in the 70s. Maybe if we spent less time producing overpriced bombs and focused a little more on consumer electronics, we'd be better off? When you get that ranch, I want you to take some time off from the war-mongering and look into inventing something useful. Is the Slanket the best we can do? My husband seems to think so!
I hate you.
Get over it, bitch.