Thursday, May 21, 2009
Alan Wilson is a bad man. Not only was he responsible for the major conspiracies covering the past couple of seasons of "24" (and maybe even all the way back to the beginning of the series). But in our exclusive report below, we have been able to link Wilson to some very troubling events of recent years. They include, but are not limited to:
1. Wilson invented the McRib sandwich. Using a mind-altering food additive, he sold the sandwich to McDonald's, who deemed the McRib too powerful, thus offering it on a limited and intermittent basis.
2. Wilson launched Billy Ray Cyrus' career. Again, mind-control, this time embedding subliminal messages into music. Unhappy with its temporary effect, he abandoned the formula, reintroducing a modified version for Miley Cyrus a couple of years ago. No word in its long-term efficacy.
3. Wilson wrote the original "Star Wars" trilogy. No mind-control here, Wilson happens to be a talented writer (whose finger is on the pulse of the zeitgeist) composing all three movies in a weekend. Angry at Lucas for adding Ewoks into "Return of the Jedi," Wilson refused Lucas' pleas for help with the prequels. After Episode I premiered, Wilson gleefully named his flagship yacht "Jar Jar."
4. Wilson invented disco, and later killed it to prove a point to Aristotle Onasis (h/t to "Conspiracy Theory"- bonus to the reader who can tell me the line referenced).
5. Wilson refuses to let the Chicago Cubs win the World Series (another reason Tony Almeida wants to kill him). Steve Bartman was a trained assassin working for Wilson in 2003.
6. Wilson bought $599 million-worth of movie tickets to Titanic; it was truly supposed to flop. Why did he do it? To piss off Lucas (see #3 above).
7. Wilson is behind the mismatched number of hot dogs in a package vs. number hot dog buns sold (hot dogs come 10 to a pack, buns come 8 or 12). Genius, yes- it forces us into a never-ending cycle of buns and dogs. Damn you, sir.
8. Wilson ghost-writes 97% of all self-help and diet books-- all of which promote methods that are doomed to fail. Dr. Atkins, I presume?
9. Wilson was originally the subject of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" series of books. Upon reviewing Brown's research, his editor deemed the story too fantastic and told Brown to go focus on something more realistic, like Opus Dei or the Illuminati.
10. Wilson is a Dallas Cowboy's fan. No, he had nothing to do with their success, it just annoys me.