As many of you know, Season 8 of "24" will be taking place in New York City. Now, I know it's a TV show and a pretty fast-moving one at that, but I have a little wish-list of things I'd like Jack and/or other characters to experience while spending a whole day here in the Big Apple:
1) Jack Needs To Stop At Katz's Deli: I know that Jack doesn't sleep, go to the bathroom or eat during a "day" on "24" but how the heck can you pass up the best deli in NYC? Service is very fast at Katz's, just make sure you know what you want beforehand. And truly, there's only one sandwich you need to get- the pastrami on rye with mustard. You'll be chasing down terrorists with the best cured-beef imaginable in your tummy.
2) Jack Needs To Stay Away From The Port Authority Bus Terminal: Look, Jack has faced the baddest of the bad over the years. He has died several times, withstood nuclear explosions and lots and lots of bone-crushing beatings. But Jack, take it from someone who's been there, the Port Authority Bus Terminal is a hell-hole. Do not go there. And definitely don't get a ham & brie sandwich from the Hudson News stand. And definitely don't eat it if you do... (blech).
3) Take The "Wormhole" Tunnel: At the South-most end of Manhattan Island, there's a tunnel that connects the West Side highway to the East Side Drive- this is the most important thing I can tell you people running "24"- use this road. It's the only legitimate way to get characters from one side of town to the other. It will cut 15 minutes off your commute. I know you had characters beating D.C. traffic very easily, and that's fine because nobody gives a crap about that plot convenience. But NYC traffic is a freakin' institution. You cannot ignore it. Use the "Wormhole"- you'll have your 5 minute commutes and they'll be realistic.
4) Make Sure It Isn't St. Patrick's Day: Seriously- NYC is an unbearable mess on St. Paddy's Day. First off, you got the parade, which will destroy any chance of getting anywhere. Next, you've got all of the high school/college kids from Long Island and Jersey coming in to get loaded. NYC becomes a thousand times more aggravating than usual on this day. I would let the terrorists try and deal with that crap on their own- they may agree that it's too aggravating a day and go home on their own.
5) Talk To The "Nuts For Nuts" Pushcart Guy: He sells delicious peanuts coated in sugar because he knows a few things about the world. He is a good person. Seek out his wisdom.
6) Buy An Al Pacino/"Scarface" Sketch In Times Square: That's a purchase that seems fun for about ten seconds, right? They might have some Jack Bauer sketches too, I'll check next time I'm there.
7) Scout The OTB on 44th and 7th Ave: I used to work on that side of town, and at lunch I'd go to the OTB and place a couple of small bets on that day's horse races. Well, let me tell you something, the place was crawling with criminal activity. You've got a huge reservoir of snitches and state's evidence sitting in that dingy little joint.
8) Incorporate... The "Mob": Hey, I'm not saying there is a mafia... but let's say for entertainment's sake you want the full NYC experience. Do it right by including a Vinnie, Joey or Frankie. Just one "howyadoin'?" is all I ask. But seriously, there's like NO proof at all that there's a mafia...
9) Jack Has To Meet The Mayor: There's a long-running trend in entertainment where a hero has to plead his or her case to the Mayor of New York. The Mayor is kind of a mythical being in fiction- the wise, cranky, petulant and all-powerful ruler of NYC. The president will call the Mayor and ask for his help. This is something I want to see continued. Remember, some of the best stuff in "Ghostbusters" was with the Mayor and Bill Murray.
10) Say "Hi" To Det. John McClane! You're both FOX-owned characters, so it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility that you two could have a cup of coffee or something, right? Imagine a 2 minute-long scene with "Yippee ki-yays" and "Dammits" being thrown about. Yeah... too long a scene.