Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Whatever Happened To The Caped Crusader?

THE DARK KNIGHT just killed off the superhero movie.

I sat through this 2.5 hour epic crime drama and felt uneasy throughout, kind of like watching "24" when it was on television (remember those days?). And it was a great experience too, not knowing what was going to happen at any given moment. The girl dies, the heroes lose, the bad guy successfully manipulates the situation to its bitter and tragic end. If I wasn't such an easy mark for this movie (I loved director Christopher Nolan's previous entry BATMAN BEGINS), I might protest this as some post-modern, gaudy emo-fest. But that's not the film we got here. No, THE DARK KNIGHT diminishes the superhero genre by elevating the material.

One doesn't need much reminding- the world is dangerous.  Our post-9/11 fear of chaos may have lessened from its peak from several years ago, but speaking for myself, I still haven't forgotten my fears which were formed on that day. Nolan and his writer-brother Jonathan Nolan exploit these emotions rather shamelessly (and effectively) to drive the point home-- that a guy in a batsuit fighting a malcontent psycho clown can be some pretty serious business.

Gone are the indulgences of the typical superhero movie. There is no plucky sidekick (sorry, Robin), there are no hybrid man-animal villains (sorry, Man-Bat!). What we have is The Joker-- the world's worst kind of villain. He is a man who seeks to turn a system against itself. He is a villain that would, in another part of the world, set up roadside bombs and attack U.S. troops in a foreign land. He is someone who does not seek a fortune or a seat of power. He is simply someone who wishes "to watch the world burn." This is someone that we see every single day on the news. It is an enemy that we don't fully understand. We either attempt to avoid this type of chaos, or as in the case of Batman, face it directly. That threshold decision is an important one- it defines the manner in which a society functions (and what that society is willing to tolerate).

Just as in the real world, you don't get a clean victory (or any victory for that matter) from fighting this kind of opponent. One small win against The Joker is quickly erased by a drastic and tragic outcome. This relates to the theme of escalation that Police Commissioner Jim Gordon warns of at the end of the previous Batman movie. When you bring a force upon a situation, you trigger an opposing one. Batman helped to create The Joker by arriving in Gotham City. Is this a not-so-subtle allegory to what is transpiring in the Middle East? If only the moral questions were that simple! Goodbye Gotham, welcome to the real world!

And that's what THE DARK KNIGHT does best- it asks those moral questions and shows when the good guys stumbling towards the answers. By the film's end, Batman chooses a path I never expected or witnessed in any other film- the hero chooses to become the villain. It is a complex decision, but one which redefines what true heroism means. The end strips away the remaining fragments of a comic book story and leaves us with a truly inspiring example. This is mythology for a different kind of world, one that cannot be broken down into four-colors and neat panels on a page. And at the same time, the characters still hold true to their source material, showing that the ideals of decades past still resonate somewhat. In many respects that is comforting. But to bridge that gap, it takes a filmmaker to translate the characters into a relevant form, dare I say rendering the conventional superhero genre obsolete. Gone is the Caped Crusader, long live The Dark Knight!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

And that would be me. I'm dying for a vacation from work. How off-balance am I? I've just spent the last 15 minutes reading up on one of the Universe's greatest mysteries in the hopes of figuring out what the heck is wrong with our world. And that mystery is Elmo, the Sesame Street character.

Now, I know there are some of you that like the furry, red crackhead. And you're probably the same person that thinks his incessant high-pitched talking is cute. Yeah. Elmo is to me what Mary Hart was to Kramer on "Seinfeld." I have a furious, uncontrollable dislike of the guy. Anytime I hear Elmo do anything (he mostly laughs like a drunk senior citizen) I want to strangle kittens. Baskets full of kittens.

Well, I have to say that Elmo's "creator," Kevin Clash, has shrewdly established a bullet-proof empire. Elmo appears on talk shows, news programs and he even testified before Congress on funding music-based programs. That's right, a red-haired muppet went to Congress. And he gave sworn testimony. You know, about 50-plus years ago, the House Un-American Activities Committee would have had a field day with Elmo. And J. Edgar Hoover would have a file thicker than the phone book on him too. Imagine the proceedings:

CONGRESSMAN: Elmo, if that's your *real* name-- are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

ELMO: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh BOY! HAHAHAHAHAH! Elmo loves Congress!

CONGRESSMAN: Lock this red bastard up and throw away the key!

And sadly, Elmo was more truthful and respectable than that multiple Cy Young-winning "juicehead" Roger Clemens. Think about that for a second. (pause) My mind cannot wrap itself around this world anymore. Have a good week.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Jon Voight to help resurrect the quality of "24" villains

Good news! Yes, finally some news, DAMMIT! Actor and car-owner Jon Voight will be joining Season 7 of "24" as a badass extraoirdinaire. Hopefully Voight can wash away the stink of James Cromwell's less-than-stellar creepy grandpa villain from last season. Never hire a pig farmer to do a man's job, I say. Next to the producers getting Gene Hackman a part on the show, this is fantastic news.

And here's Mr. Voight giving a little backstory to the classic "Seinfeld" episode about... his car:

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Jack Sack Presents: My Brother!

Well, we're all about family here. And comedy too. Here's my brother dancing 90s style. In the new millenium. He does weddings and bar mitzvahs. Inquire within. When my nephew is old enough to appreciate this (his first birthday is just next month!), he'll thank Uncle Adam for this little gift:


Wednesday, April 30, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: "24" Fall TV Movie To Take Place in Africa!

Well, the headline kind of says it all, doesn't it?

Just to recap, Season 7 won't start airing until January, 2009. In order to keep us from committing mass acts of violence and self-mutilation, Fox has wisely decided to throw us a slab of raw meat in the form of a 2-hour television movie, set to air sometime this Fall. And said movie will have Jack Bauer yelling "Dammit!" to a whole new continent of people, this one being Africa. Remember, the original concept for Season 7 was to have Bauer go to Africa, something the studio shot down when it became logistically impossible given the show's real-time format.

On a personal note: I'm losing my ability to get excited for this show at the moment. I know when clips start airing and previews are put on the web that all will be good again. But talking about these things so far in advance is... well, I hate to say it, but part of me doesn't believe this will all happen. We had a series of things come up to stop Season 7 already. And maybe I'm being a little paranoid, but who's to say that nothing else won't go wrong? Something strange is hanging over this show at the moment. Until I see all of these things actually happen, I'm going to remain skeptical.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Mustache

"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar” -English Proverb.

What do you do when there's no "24" to watch? Join a community volunteer group? Reconnect with old friends? Write the great American novel? No, no, no-- that's all way too ambitious. The answer to this question is quite simple: you grow a mustache.

My office is a place where college never seemed to end for a lot of people. I've been out of undergrad since well... since Bill Clinton was president. But being in marketing and advertising makes for a very playful and downright unprofessional work environment. So, a handful of us were lamenting a couple of weeks ago about the death of the mustache-- a once proud style of the accomplished man. One person asked "Who was the last sitting president to wear a mustache?" The answer: William Howard Taft, who incidentally was our last portly commander-in-chief too. That's right, in nearly 100 years the mustache has been in exile from The White House. But the mustache's decline is further widespread. '70s porn stars apparently ruined it for the rest of us.

So, a bunch of us here at work decided to make an effort to revive the faded 'stache. We are engaging in a mustache-growing contest. This thing started 2 weeks ago and the judging (which will be voted on by all the females in the office) will take place on May 2nd. Yours truly is growing a beard in the meantime and will shave down to the mustache for one day only. Am I a coward for doing it that way? Yes. But maybe after May 2nd, I'll realize the error of my ways and keep it the sucker for good. Hmmm....

Here's where I am as of now:

Monday, April 14, 2008

On Politics

I don't know if any of you have been watching the HBO mini-series on John Adams, but what started out as a slow burn for me became a very intense viewing experience with the past couple of episodes. And John Adams, while a pivotal and vital member of our Founding Fathers, is a person worthy of discussion in examining our nation's history, I find my mind focusing on George Washington instead.

Washington, our nation's first president, is a man who I think goes greatly unknown for many people nowadays. Yes, we know the legend of the man; his cherry tree antics and his wooden teeth (which weren't really wooden). But his presidency is seemingly lost in the fabric of political history. He is our only president who didn't belong to a political party. And true to his lack of a political affiliation, the man was actually quite opposed to the (even then) nastiness of the two-party system.

The biggest challenge facing the United States during President Washington's time in office was to keep the states united. This country was not only brand new, but it was fragile in many ways. The historic separation of the colonies was an institutional problem for those trying to establish (and legitimize) a national government. And if you think people were opposed to government intrusion today, try asking your average "American" what he or she felt of a federal government in the 1790s. It is nothing short of a miracle that the Constitution was ratified.

But Washington was the face and name to that national unity. Because he didn't ascribe to a specific set of party beliefs, he was able to bring all parties to the table. And he ran a unity government, including vehement opponents within his own cabinet. Alexander Hamilton, who was by all accounts an asshole, was hell-bent on forcing federal strength on the states. And Thomas Jefferson, a hypocritical back-stabber, was selfishly pushing French politics and Southern States matters. And Washington sat at the center, guiding both sides to compromise. This man was the epitome of a leader. And what's even better than his ability to engage those who were so passionate and unwavering, was the fact that Washington knew what his reputation and standing meant to the country. He was a substantial force, he was his own institution, begging the nation to be thoughtful in its passions. And his power, significant and unmatched by others, was something he used without selfishness or personal gain.

This is not to say that Washington was a pure soul. He, like any other politician, cared a great deal about how others viewed him. When he signed the Jay Treaty, which effectively put America on the side of the English in their fight with the French, Washington lost a lot of his Teflon coating. Jefferson, who was far too deeply enthralled by the French Revolution to be rational at the time, turned on Washington in the most unfair of ways-- by feeding stories to the press that the President was feeble-minded and not in control of his government. Washington was greatly hurt by the betrayal, and obsessed over it until his final days in office. But the example of how Washington's political fortunes soured a bit, shows exactly what has always been a part of our nation's political history.

Politics is not a process that always produces the right results or judgments. Politics is the art of the possible, which is often achieved through the techniques of distortion and hyperbole. If you feel frustrated by the current political climate (and the never-ending campaign cycle) I say to you "Look to President Washington." He called party rivalry excessive and in danger of becoming "a fire not to be quenched." Yes, he understood that people would have differing opinions on issues, but he sought to avoid the party platform mentality, where you were either one thing or another. Let each issue be decided on its own merits. Imagine that? An ad hoc treatment of the issues themselves, free from party posturing.

Now, I contrast Washington's example (played to perfection by David Morse in the "John Adams" mini-series) with the character of Jack Stanton in "Primary Colors" (the 1997 movie not-so-loosely based on Bill Clinton's first run for the presidency). Both were on TV today. Both shook my brain by their stark differences. 200-plus years later, I think we need to give President Washington some more thought. Unity is not a dead idea.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: 24 SEASON 7 TO PREMIERE SOON!

Breaking News! EXCELLENT NEWS! Unconfirmed reports state that the long-delayed Season 7 of "24" is being rushed to premiere sooner than the previously-scheduled January 2009 window. The new premiere will be in Sepember 2008! This is a surprise, for sure, but a welcome one. At this point, I don't care if they give Jack an orangutan sidekick and a plucky new boss with has a silly catchphrase (Oh, Jack, NO YOU DIDN'T!"). All I want is "24" to come back. And maybe a new car.


So, if we do the math, today is April 1st, which would put new episodes of 24 are only five months away! Stay tuned for more news on Season 7.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

And we're back!

Okay, so the DSL outage thing didn't last all of this time, but it did happen along with my being very busy at work (we're talking staying till 1AM a few nights to beat deadlines). Thank you for your patience, and for not burning down my house (Amy).

So, there's nothing new for me to make fun of in 24-land But I have a clip that some seriously unhealthy minds put together spoofing those dreadful Jedi Council scenes from Star Wars Episode I. Just a note, the Yoda stuff seems ridiculously stupid at first, but like an Austin Powers movie, it grows on you as the joke continues. And then, if you're like me, you'll laugh so hard you'll almost choke several times. Seriously, it took me a good ten minutes to finish this 4 minute clip (which is borderline NSFW, by the way). Please, enjoy:


Monday, March 17, 2008

Terrorists Blew Up My DSL Connection

Verizon DSL is offline. I'm writing from a secure location. New Jack Sack is coming once the Verizon people fix the network outage. Stay tuned!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

24 Season 7 News: Nothing's New!

Production for Season 7 of "24" will begin again next month. Hopefully by that time we will get some news on the show. Several days ago we learned that Fox was going to throw us a rather substantial Bauer bone (yeah, bad metaphor) in the form of a 2-hour television movie.

But was that news premature? The folks at the 24 "HQ" blog state that the Hollywood Reporter ran the story before a final deal was done. I'm unclear as to their sources, but if they have inside intel on this, they're not elaborating.

I'm not particularly worried about the movie not happening because there was no denial from FOX or the production team regarding the story. Again, like the headline states: nothing is new!

I'l be putting together something a little more creative hopefully tonight.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Eliot Spitzer: Reaction from The Republic of Uzbekistan!


Hello Whore-mongering Friends!

We joke, of course. We are The Republic of Uzbekistan, we always ready for quick funny!

So, I check my internets to see if I catch any new responses to my Match.com profile when I see news report that your Emperor of Newest York has problem getting free sex from his wife. This remind me of your Clinty-President from years ago. And of your Senator who tap dance in toilet seat for male-hugging. I think American wives no like to give you happy!

Boy, I tell you, I have seven wives and is that the truth! But that's why I go and find new wife. Otherwise, I have to go to whore store like your Emperor Spitzy. Pay for bed-time with woman? What's next, pay for used Soviet landmine? Like by cousin Hamza say, Americans can squeeze a ruble out of a Yak's toenail. But we love you! Oh God, please send us some shoes!

When I was out on pidgeon hunt earlier, I think about this problem with American wife. I ask myself "Could I ever pay five thousand American dollars for pleasureness?" And then I realize that same money could pay for new hospital in my coun-try. Or ten previously-owned certified tanks! I take the tanks, of course. What good is hospitals here in Uzbekistan? We can't kill rebels with hospital!

We think you confused about love in America. We see movie "The Break Up" with Vincy Vawn and Skinny Aniston and we wonder why you have big fight about lemons and pool tables. You have so much in stomaches. But you not happy with lemons! You want more! Always with the more! I know, we the same way-- last week I ate a baby vole I find in trash by my house. This was great! I said "I want another vole!" Then I realize I sound like lady on Oprah show, asking for a liposucky. Sure! Oh, Oprah, I eat too much, now I need you to take it out of my hiney! Ah, Americans, so funny!

We think Oprah is the problem. She rule your country and you not see it! Maybe you send Oprah here so we can eat her? Please?

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Jack Bauer Interrogating The Dude From "The Big Lebowski"

Yes, I'm having more fun with iMovie! Anyway, the title says it all. Enjoy:



Nice marmot, indeed.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Which 24 Character Are You?

It's a rainy Saturday and I had some time to kill:



Yep. I'm Michelle Dessler. Now, excuse me while I go check myself out in the mirror...

Friday, March 07, 2008

Overheard in CTU

Riffing on the ever-popular site "Overheard in New York," here are a few snippets of things overheard within the confines of CTU Los Angeles:

Security Guy #1: Do you think we have any control over this situation?
Security Guy #2: I don't think you should be existential today.
Security Guy #1: Maybe if we didn't wear red shirts, things would be better.
Security Guy #2: Or maybe we should actually plug in that metal detector, eh?

.....


Guy in Caf: What time did Bauer get to the office today?
Girl in Caf: About 4AM, I think. Why?
Guy in Caf: (looks at watch) Okay, that was about 18 hrs ago. I'm going out. Be back in about 6 hours.
Girl in Caf: What are you-
Guy in Caf: See ya! (leaves)

.....

Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: I can't tell if I want to hit that or not.
Guy #2 near Chloe's desk: Dude! I totally know what you're talking about!
Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: I mean, her face is...
Guy #2 near Chloe's desk: Beautiful, I know!
Guy #1 near Chloe's desk: Wha?

.....

Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Man, it's like they practically want us to come in underground.
Terrorist #2 underneath CTU: Look, there's a bunch of guns here from the last guys who came through!
Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Wait a sec. That means they didn't make it out!
Terrorist #2 underneath CTU: Duh, we're terrorists, not bank robbers!
Terrorist #1 underneath CTU: Oh yeah.

.....

Helicopter pilot: Hey, Jack- you don't have anymore hidden relatives left, do you?
Jack Bauer: Why do you ask?
Helicopter pilot: Oh, I'm just trying to figure my odds of survival at the moment.
Jack Bauer: Don't worry-- you're in a helicopter. We don't have the budget to blow this thing up.
Helicopter pilot: Phew.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: "24" To Return Before Season 7 Starts!!!

Oh happy day! The Hollywood Reporter reports that "24" will return this Fall with a 2-hour tv-movie serving as a prequel to Season 7. This is a brilliant and necessary idea. Even though I would have liked an earlier return for Season 7, I'll take this Season 6.5! Thank you, very much!

But the term "tv-movie" conjures up images of Lifetime Television. Is Jack Bauer in a unloving marriage with a man who may have a secret life? Or is Jack working out his image issues from when he was a teenager? Does Jack have an eating disorder? We all know that he never eats, but why? Because he can't eat and wear pants at the same time?

In fact, a quick Google-tron search brought up a "Lifetime Movie Title Generator." Punching in all the relevant data into this site, the title for 24 Season 6.5 should be "My Eating Disorder Came First: The Life of Jack Bauer." Oh man, this could be good!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Meme Scheme Strikes Back: Attack of the Movie Quotes!

Okay, so Mr. Furious has tagged me again(!) with another meme. This one goes to a place that I truly love-- movie quotes. The rules are as follows:

"Look up 15 of your favorite films on IMDb and take a quote from each. List them below. When someone guesses the quote correctly, cross it off the list. Leave a comment with your answers. And NO CHEATING (Googling)."
Oh, and most of these quotes have profanity. Enjoy!:

1) Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill. (Amy V!)
2) There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
3) I distrust a man who says "when." If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. (Pretty Rickey)
4) All right, Popeye's here! get your hands on your heads, get off the bar, and get on the wall! (Mr. Furious!)
5) Frank, let's face it, who can trust a cop that won't take money? (Mr. F!)
6) My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.
7) Your country ain't your blood. Remember that. (Haley!)
8) You killed my father, your ass is mine!
9) The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.
10) You ain't got a license to kill bookies and today I ain't sellin'. So take your flunky and dangle. (Rickey Henderson!)
11) Look out. Muppets. (2266!)
12) I shoulda been a farmer. (Haley)
13) That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave. (Mr. F again!)
14) I'm talking to all those villains in Missouri. And all those villains down there in Cheyenne. And what I'm saying is there ain't no whore's gold. (Mr. Furious, dude you watch a lot of movies)
15) Are you trying to develop a sense of humor or am I going deaf? (Rickey Henderson again!)

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Chuck Norris Responds To Jack Bauer's Ad!

Okay, so I'm getting a little carried away with the iMovie thing. But indulge me one more time with this Hillary Clinton ad business. In our previous post, Jack Bauer made his case for being President. Now, Chuck Norris does the same. Enjoy (and please note my evolving skill with this program!).

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Jack Bauer Political Ad

If you're not into the whole politics thing, here's a little update: there's a race going on for president this year. And it's a close one too. To help make her case for being the "experienced" candidate, Hillary Clinton has gone and made a "red phone" political ad. But really, if this is how we are supposed to choose our presidents, shouldn't the most qualified person be making that case? Sen. Obama? Sen. McCain? No, you know who...


Now that I know how to use iMovie, this place just got a lot more dangerous!

Friday, February 29, 2008

What Price For Glory? A Man Versus The Baconator! [UPDATED]

Okay, so I work in marketing and advertising. I get a kick out of the environment, the people and the fact that I am almost required to wear jeans to work, etc. So, yesterday one guy got into a heated debate with another guy and out of their exchange came a challenge: Who can eat four (4) Baconator™ sandwiches from Wendy's? Oh, you're not familiar with The Baconator, you say? Well, Wikipedia tells us that The Baconator consists of two 4oz. beef patties, two slices of American cheese, six strips of bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup on a premium bun. What it doesn't tell us is that The Baconator is a gateway to coronary distress. The fact that the FDA, USDA, CIA and other relevant government agencies have not intervened to keep this thing off the market is a bit worrisome. The Baconator's complete stats are below:


Again, the challenge is to eat 4 Baconator sandwiches within 15 minutes and no water allowed. If anyone manages this feat, they get $100 (USD). And a t-shirt featuring the Baconator. The showdown happens this afternoon. I will absolutely update you on the events afterwards.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, no one came close to the final prize. Brian reached 2.5 Baconators and Tom finished 3 within the 15 minute time limit. The guy in our office who put up the money gave them each an extra five minutes and Brian caught up to a third Baconator, but he was sweating profusely... I was worried for them both. But, the sponsor was a true gentlemen, and he paid BOTH participants for their efforts regardless. That's a class move! I will post pictures and video when they become available. Literally my whole company came to see this spectacle.