Tonight, on 24- Gordon Ramsey gets his face eaten off by Jack Bauer. Wait, it's 4 minutes before the show starts. Oh well...
Previously on 24: Jack was right, everyone else was wrong. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Pixie Chick done got hit by a double-decker. A month ago, that sentence would mean nothing to either of us, but here we are. So much for the red-headed terrorist. I mean, she'll live so Jack can scowl at her, I'm sure of it. But no more fancy dalliances this season unless she starts dating Jaws.
Jack meets MI-5; an international incident ensues. Jack catches up with Kate, who looks amazing for someone that got all that torture done to her. Jack's other friend, the guy from the place and the mission, etc. was fine too. Like really not at all unhappy. Chloe tells Jack that the Pixie owns the phone number they traced from the terrorist computer Pixie's name: Simone. So there's the lead. Jack's going to find her and scowl!
Jack has a direct line to Heller. This is about flippin time. I love this- Heller clearing a path for Jack. Jack mentions how the Brits screwed up the whole operation, but not before Jack could fix it with his gun. The call ends and lucky for the British, their PM is right outside the room waiting to get his ass kicked by Heller. And surely enough, Heller beats the shit out of the Prime Minister. It's two old guys getting angry. Grumpy old men in terrorist context! GO FISHING! YELL AT EACH OTHER IN A BOAT! DO IT!!! Heller beats the Scone Head into the ground with good 'ol Yankee anger.
Shadow Mom drunk (on power) dials Pixie's phone and finds a very informative EMT tech there to tell Shadow everything- right down to the hospital room and what's in the snack machine down the hall (CRISPS MUM!) Now, it's a race between Jack and Shadow Mum.
Back at the CTU-err CIA, Mr. Julia Roberts talks to his source orchestrating the whole dastardly plot that we mentioned briefly last week. What's it all about? No clue. Kate's husband got involved, got burned. And who's the source? That Eurotrash guy that Chloe worked for- I had a nickname for him but it doesn't stick. I was hoping Eurotrash wasn't going to be an important character, oh well.
Dr. Jack Bauer tells the British doctor attending Simone that saving Simone's life is not quite the first priority. Shadow Goon shows up, breaks into a secure clothes closet and dresses the part of "non-threatening hospital employee." Meanwhile, Kate gets a gender-type scene consoling the orphaned girl that Simone made an orphan. Oh, no, it's just a gentle interrogation. Good thing the kid breaks under warm treatment. See, torture is not the way! Cute kid tells Kate "I hope Simone dies." Oh shit, family jihad. Shadow Goon overhears this and tells Shadow Mum. Shadow Mum tells Shadow Son she wants the drone to blow up the hospital full of infidels/rotten, good-for-nothing redheaded daughters.
All that aside, Mr. Julia Roberts follows Eurotrash's orders to let the well-meaning CIA kid die. Send him to get milk.
Heller quickly decides that he should resign at some point after Jack Bauer saves the world. Chief-in-Law and Audrey are shocked. Heller, don't talk to these kids about what you think.
Simone wakes up and meets Jack. Jack appeals to Simone's good nature. You know, she's killing people left and right, so naturally she'll cooperate. Or maybe we start squeezing the pinkie stub. This is more than simply the scowling I predicted. OH GOD IT HURTS!!! She passes out from the pain. Torture doesn't work. I told you, Jack. Jack finally lets the racism out. "I hate these people." Hehehe.
And then they run into Shadow Goon. Shots fire! Running! Drum beats! OK! Jack catches up to the Shadow Goon's corpse (it wasn't that long a run, I guess) and finds a text message on Goon's phone saying "I have a drone coming to your position to blow up the hospital in 8 minutes" or something like that. Jack doesn't need to work those police skills too hard so far, thankfully.Evacuate the hospital! Yeah, okay, Jack.
At a pub, Chloe opens up a laptop. This reminds me of years ago, when Chloe went to a coffee shop with a laptop. Many hair styles/colors ago.
Jack picks up Pixie Chick to rescue her. She acts pissy so he drops her on the floor. She says "Wait! Please don't leave me here." Jack picks her back up and they leave. An odd couple is born. Meanwhile, Kate is doing the right thing and saves Yasmin, the Orphan so the Orphan can grow up and be angry at the terrorists for killing her mom. And there are so many people waiting for an elevator to leave the hospital. I think I see someone emptying the pill cabinets. Woohoo!!!
The drone fires one missile on the hospital. BOOM! Shadow Mom quickly finds Jack, Simone and Kate in the melee and fires on them again as they flee in a luxury mid-size sedan. Meanwhile, misery at the hospital. Simone sees this during the tire-screeching drive out of the blast area. Ooops,. she thinks. Jack evades missiles by car decides "Enough of this poppycock! Time to get a new motorcoach!" Jack sizes up a roomier SUV with a good back seat to catch Simone's blood. Without hesitation, Jack introduces hismelf to that car's driver by PUNCHING HIS EVERLIVING FACE OFF!!! I love it. But Shadow Mom saw that too (REALLY?!?!) and has more missiles to fire. Jack is tired of this, he gets to an underpass, stops and takes another car to get this crazy drone lady off his ass.
Jack tells Kate to "Grab my bag" (awww yeah!!!) and they jump into their 3rd getaway ride, not before Jack puts a conveniently placed loose brick on his last car's accelerator to send it away for the drone to destroy. Shadow Son is pumped up that he won the videogame, Shadow Mon notes that he blew up an empty SUV. This lady is having a very bad day. Oh, Kate notices that Simone is dying. Jack, did you hear her? Simone is...
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP (commercial break!)
CIA Good Nerd is walking alone in an abandoned part of the toilet we call London and gets shot, falling into the water. The hitman isn't sure he got him. Heh.
Chief-in-Law meets the Russian. The Russian looks like he could win that circus game with the mallet. Russian tells Chief-in-Law that he knows the kid forged the extradition order. So, the Chief-in-Law promises to screw over Jack when things die down.
Oh, the hitman was right, he didn't kill the CIA Good Nerd. From the filthy waters of a london stream, emerges the Good Nerd Reborn! Or is it Rebooted?! GOOD, NERD! GOOD!!
Heller, sits in a room feeling sad. So, he calls Jack. Jack says "Hang in there boss." Heller says he needs to meet with Jack. Jack knows this means something serious. Heller puts on his suit jacket and he calls Shadow Mom using FaceTime!
Heller says he's going to turn himself over to Shadow Mom. Shadow Mom says "Don't catfish me, infidel." Old Man Heller says "What, you want to argue with me in a boat too?! Sheesh!"
Alright, above is Clementine imitating James Heller's foreign policy in this episode. I mean come on, James! Really?! Also, the fact that Shadow Mom could track Jack through the chaos of an exploded hospital is a bit much to accept. Not that I ever needed this show to be realistic, I just lose interest when it turns into a cartoon. I loved Jack in this episode. Kate was great too, slinging The Jack Sack™ over her shoulder, consoling the Orphan and being generally competent. The messy subplots don't interest me as much- Mr. Julia Roberts and the Russian angle both feel too formulaic. Not that I'm saying they can't get better, I just know how these things normally turn out. I did appreciate Zombie Good Nerd. He's not amused, people-- well, neither am I.