It was 90 degrees today. I have proof:
it's still warm in my house because we haven't put the AC units in the
windows yet. So tonight, I'm writing about 24 with a lot of extra
humidity in my soul.
Previously on 24:
It wasn't 90 degrees outside last week.
Jack Bauer returned from exile to spring Chloe "WikiLeaks" O'Brian from
the hoosegow in CIA land, London, England. Yeah, I dunno, just stop at
"Jack Bauer returned..."
Jack goes to a pub, now this is about time. 9 seasons in, oh wait, he finds Evil Pies on the bathroom floor. Jack says to Chloe that the Pixie Chick is the killer. Jack also reasons to believe that Pixie Chick will have changed her appearance because if he was writing the show, that's what he would do. Did I also mention that Jack does this all with his trusty manpurse?
Meanwhile, back at the apartment complex where Jack punched everyone, Kate is interrogating the soccer hooligans to figure out who this Yates guy is- you know the guy who Jack already found dead in the bathroom? CIA is always a step behind the Man with the Sack.
Well, Kate doesn't mess around, she starts pistol-whipping the head hooligan, Basher, the one that Jack slashed across the neck. Basher is tough. His lack of being dead shows this to be a fact. Crew Neck tells Kate to stop trying to find Bauer. Hehehe, okay, sure.
Jack heads from the pub to the tube, so this is already an accelerated tourist trip of London. Jack is looking for Pixie Chick. Think he finds her? Oh yeah, she cuts her leg to smear blood on her face to... make it look like Jack already did what he was already going to do to her. Pixie Chick loses Jack by dipping down a side door and right in front of Chloe's car while Chloe fantasizes about being a soccer mom again. So far, these heroes are showing their rust. Chloe reveals that Morris and her son, Prescott, died years earlier in a truck accident. So, Chloe is pretty damned messed up. She's convinced that her family was offed on purpose because of her friendship with Bauer. Jack says some fortune cookie stuff about stopping the bad guys, and the camera lands closely on Jack's sincere eyes. Chloe says nothing. BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP- commercial break!
Unfortunately, the already tiresome subplot of the overambitious Chief of Staff/son-in-law has produced nothing but groans. Is he dirty? Is he a terrorist? I don't care. The Hellers are morons for letting this guy into their lives. Audrey agrees to do something stupid because the Chief-in-Law said so a few times. And then the guy falsely signs a document in the president's name. So, we're supposed to hate the guy even more, as registered voters. Ha!
Shadow Mom and Pixie Chick are revealed to be al Qaeda operatives. Okay.
Meanwhile, at Shadow Mom's creepy walking garden, mother and daughter talk about "the American." Bauer makes an impression. There is nothing wholesome about this family based on the creepy music playing underneath. Ah, there's a brother. He's the one with the computer skills. He says it will take one more episode to get the drone equipment Yates made working. Pixie Chick then sees her real husband walk in, he's cranky about his wife is hooched up. And with a gaping leg wound! Get some anti-bacterial ointment! Pixie leaves, Shadow Mom tells her mopey husband to deal with the fact that his wife (and her daughter) banged the hell out of Yates for 3 weeks. It's all for the cause!
Jack brings Chloe back to the Scooby Gang and they begin to piece together the plot with the drones. Jack says please to Mr. Cross (the scarf wearing Assange guy). Cross likes this a lot.
For reasons unknown, Kate's subplot involves torturing Basher. This is to get to Bauer? Kate offers to leave Basher with a rival gang or otherwise he cooperates with them. Basher tells Kate that Evil Pies was involved with some bloke named "Tanner." They speed off before the rival gang kills them all.
Tanner, of course, is the innocent man who's blamed for the drone attack. Is he innocent or not? I'm confused. I blame my cat, she's easily cuter than Basher. Hi Clem!
Back to the show-
Shadow Mom sews up Pixie in a dark room. Shadow Mom is obsessed with "this American..." so the stitches go extra painful for Pixie. No one loves in this family. They're basically like the terrorist version of the Kardashians. But the Kardashians terrorize us already, yes, I know, but these people are sadly more productive.
Kate talks to Mr. Roberts (yeah, he's kind of in this episode to say "Don't push the envelope, you loose cannon!"). He says "Okay, push the envelope, you loose cannon!" Oh snap- character development!
President Heller is wearing a robe, it's 1:45 p.m. This is not going to be a good scene. Audrey tries to convince her dad to not speak to Parliament, but old pops charms her daughter into shutting up. Audrey's got the crazy eyes. *eyes roll* Please don't drag out this Heller drama.
Jack Bauer gets on line to turn himself in at the U.S. Embassy. Wait, strike that, "Ron Fairbanks" (Jack's favorite film star of the silent era and go-to later ego) is going to visit the U.S. Embassy to speak with Tanner, the drone patsy. If you want to register @RonFairbanks on Twitter, have at it- there's comedy in those hills. Thanks to Mr. Cross ginning up a fake ID, Jack can walk into any dance party in London!
Pixie and her hubby have a moment. Hubby is pounding contraband sauce in the bedroom. Pixie wants some... hubby. He is freaking out over the whole cause- it's not about Pixie being promiscuous. He's having a real crisis of conscience. Pixie will have to kill him before Shadow Mom does it first. And then we see Shadow Mom bugged the room with a camera. Creeeeeeeeeepy!
Heller gets out of a limo and walks to Parliament. Stephen Fry says "Crumpets, yardarm, thistleberry, Hurrah!" Basically, "Don't fuck it up, Yankee Doodle." Good pep talk, Mr. Prime Minister.
Awwww gawd, Audrey and Chief-in-Law... just shoot them both at this point.
Woah, is this actually Parliament? I'm impressed if it's a fake set. Alright, Heller walks up to the podium and begins to speak his apology, that is until a bald British prick interrupts. And then some British lady and then, oh my God, so many Brits are yelling! If only Heller wasn't senile, then he could whip up some charming answers to the screaming. Right? Yeesh.
Kate and Crew Neck are at the U.S. Embassy. Holy shit, they're going to see Bauer- I mean Fairbanks. Tense coincidence! Kate walks right by Jack. CIA wins again! Jack is free except for the fact that his ID is bogus (he was double-Cross-ed. Get it?). AND THEN JACK DROPS THE JACK SACK ON THE DIRTY LONDON GROUND! And before you can even cry over this, Jack leads an insurgent force of British protesters through the Embassy gates and overrun Kate, the military defenses and all U.S. sovereignty. But... he dropped the damn bag on the ground....
Worst episode ever.
BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP BLOOP
Alright, subplots are taking shape. The CIA is slow, but Kate is half-brained. The Shadow Mom is creepy, and her family is all messed up and terroristy. President Heller is beset by fools and scumbags. Heller deserves so much better, this is one of the best supporting characters who finally gets a shot at doing good things. He's David Palmer-levels of good, so please stop making him feeble. On the plus side, Jack still brings the chaos and now that he's set to spring Tanner and take on the entire U.S. government, I think we have a good few episodes coming up. Just pick up the bag, Jack. Please!