Tuesday, January 23, 2007

NEW CONTRIBUTOR- The Bluetooth!™

"The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist." - Some bad guy

It is I, The Bluetooth, the greatest criminal mind of our time!

Welcome to my personal area network of evil (PANE!). I'm proud to say that the death, the assassinating, the chaos-- that's all me baby. You were thinking that bald, insecure and sexually ineffective man in the picture was the real bad guy, right? The truth is that Graem "The Cracker" Bauer is a nobody, he's simply my vessel-- the meek exterior for my superior intellect! It really is quite simple, I speak and Graem obeys my command. Pretty sneaky, no? I told you I was a criminal mastermind.

Have I said too much? Well, since your country has already lost, it couldn't hurt to let you in on the whole enterprise. The Bluetooth Consortium is the latest incarnation of an international cabal controlling human events for the past several centuries. Daniel Brown's silly tome "The DaVinci Code" touched on one of our older brand names, the Illuminati, which was a smashing success. However, modern times call for fresh business models. And the current plot is really quite brilliant in its simplicity: we spent money lobbying your corruptible politicians to pass "public safety" legislation requiring motorists to use "hands-free" phone devices over the past several years. As each state has enacted these laws, Bluetooth™ wireless devices have become commonplace, controlling your every action. We seek hosts that have access to money and who hold positions of power. Statistically, that skews our demographic to pale white men. Of course a few lucky ones get the real good assignments.

But me? I get "Fredo" Bauer, the one host no other Bluetooth wanted. Do you want to know the worst part about being his headset? Taking baths with him. Yep, Graem is completely scared of drowning in the bathtub, so I gotta stay on his ear the whole time. People, bathtime is second only to his "lovemaking" as the single most depressing routine I have ever witnessed.

Headquarters tells us not to get too close to our hosts, but I admit to looking at his journal. People... it's really bad. When Graem turned 16, he got a Commodore 64 computer while his brother, Jack Bauer, got a Corvette. And I am not certain, but I think Graem's first sexual experience was with a horse, as he speaks of feeling "naughty" when he watches the Kentucky Derby. All of this is enough to ruin a man's production of testosterone.

And now, big brother Jack has come to beat the snot out of the poor bastard. As you all know, Graem obeys my every command. So, remember that line where he dissed Jack's dead wife? Hehehe, yep, my idea! I know, I know, it wasn't nice but I'm evil! Seeing Jack maul his little brother is a lot more fun than watching another afternoon of CNBC. I keep telling him: "Little man, Bluetooth™ is the only stock you need to buy!"


(Note: For best results, it is suggested that this article be read aloud and in a British accent)


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